Day 165: More self-forgiveness on Mother

My mother recently asked me for help. I said I'd do it under the condition that she starts her process. She promised she would, but after a while it became apparent that she's doing it only to satisfy my demand. She wrote a few blogs in the beginning, and I was absolutely thrilled, because I saw self-honesty in them. I told her that, and that was probably the fuckup - she relaxed and started writing half-assed blogs, and then after a while they completely ceased.

I was quite busy for a while, so I didn't pay much attention to what she was doing, but one day I got a breather and I checked it out. When I saw what happened, I completely freaked out. Multiple thoughts started arising in my head of her "bad deeds" in life, and then anger at her for wanting me to help her in life after she had done all those bad deeds. I freaked out, called her and told her that I can see her deception, and that for every day she continues with it, the due date her receiving my help will prolong, so that if she in the end receives my help too late, it will be entirely her own fault.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel obliged to help my mother only because she is my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire my mother to beg for mercy for what she has done to me, instead of realising and understanding that i am participating within a mind polarity construct, where i have in the past felt defeated and betrayed by my mother and I felt inferior to her, and now want to feel superior to her by wanting her to beg and cry for mercy and forgiveness for what she had done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to punish my mother for what I perceive to be the bad deeds that she had done onto me in my life, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within the revenge construct, where I want to compensate with feeling superior to my mother by punishing her for the feelings of inferiority that I allowed within myself, when I perceived her to be haring me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my mother harmed me in the past, instead of realising and understanding that by allowing myself to feel harmed by her, I am giving in to self-pity and abdicating my full self-responsibility for what I accept and allow to come up within my own mind.

When and as I see myself remembering past occurrences with my mother, where I perceive to have been harmed by her, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that holding on to bad memories of experiences with my mother only powers my mind as ego within the polarity construct of love and hate, superiority and inferiority, where I will pity myself and abdicate my self-responsibility to that feeling and allow that feeling to define me, therefore I release with self-forgiveness the trigger point of remembering past occurrences with my mother where I perceive to have been harmed by her and the thought pattern triggered by those memories, and I direct myself in breath towards what is best for all within awareness that holding onto such memories is an abdication of self-responsibility for who I am in every breath.

I commit myself to through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application stop and remove all my feeling and emotional definitions, thoughts, memories of and towards my mother, because I realise and understand that my mother is not responsible for who I allow myself to be in every moment of every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be able to run to my mother for protection and advice and consolation, whenever I feel bad, instead of realising and understanding that within wanting my mother's protection I am abdicating my self-responsibility for directing myself in breath with common sense and abdicating my self-direction onto her, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel cheated by my mother, because I perceived that she didn't provide me with protection and guidance, instead of realising that I am giving into self-pity and allowing myself to define myself as a poor thing for not having had what i perceive to be a good mother.

Day 164: Understanding Hitler and ourselves

In the first part of this video there is a rap battle between Hitler and Vader. When asked, who won, the viewers mostly chose Vader, because, as one simply and plainly put it - they just didn't want it to be Hitler. They didn't say why.

This is what an automated mind response looks like. We have been conditioned to believe and perceive Hitler to be the single most evil and bad individual in the history of human kind. Which is funny, because Hitler himself never actually killed any of the people that were murdered under his reign. It was done by his followers.

We like to judge Hitler, because we do not understand the situation that was going on. When hating on Hitler, we do not actually stop for a moment to remember or learn that before the war he actually saved an absolutely ruined Germany and lifted it's people from a devastating crisis by fixing the economy and creating jobs for everyone to be able to feed their families. 
But something went terribly awry, and he went nuts, absolutely bonkers. He started having ludicrous ideas, for which we oh so like to judge him and hate on him. But was this poor mad person, who lost his grasp on reality, to blame? Or are his followers to blame, who without questioning chose to carry out the mad ideas of an obviously mentally compromised individual? Where in this equation is the real crazy?

Is the so-called elite of rich people to blame for the state of this world, or is it us, who choose to blindly and automatically, without questioning, carry on executing the necessary mechanisms for this abusive world system to continue existing as it does? After all, we're all in this together, aren't we?

Start questioning and explore the alternative.

Day 163: Food=Love=Safety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have validation and recognition from my classmates and teachers in school in terms of getting feedback from them, which I could use to make myself feel good about myself, and define/perceive myself to be popular, smart, loved by everyone and desired by my male counterparts in order to compensate for the feeling of unpopularity that I made myself feel at home, which I felt because I wasn't getting the recognition and validation from my father that I wanted, which I wanted in order to feel like I have a safe place where I can come and hide in I need to do so in my life, because I perceived that I cannot rely and count on my mother to give me safe haven.

Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I saw that I wouldn't get the desired recognition and validation from my classmates in order to make myself feel good, more than, popular and desired by males, close off from company into my own little world, where I would then read and play games and watch tv and eat in order to escape the reality of this reality, where I perceived myself to be unpopular and perceived by others as a weirdo.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that other people were seeing/perceiving me as a weirdo and a looser, instead of realising and understanding that I had labeled myself that way due to my perception that I wasn't able to fit in and communicate with the cool kids.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to run away from this reality and my self-responsibility within it towards myself and the planet and all that is here with eating and entertaining myself with watching tv, browsing the internet, playing games and working, instead of realising and understanding that I am compromising myself within this pattern.

When and as I see myself wanting to indulge myself in terms of running away from this reality by means of using entertainment, such as watching tv, playing games and browsing the internet, work and eating, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind thought pattern of running away from having to face myself in self-honesty in every breath, and I am using food in order to enhance my experience. Therefore I release the trigger point of wanting to run away and not face myself with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards facing myself in every moment of every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use food as an enhancer of my good experience, because I have defined food to be the ultimate enjoyment in life and an expression of love towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from food within my belief/perception that eating food is the ultimate enjoyment in life and an expression of love towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use food and eating food in order to compensate for the love that I perceived I was lacking/not getting in my childhood from my parents, especially my father, and later in life from my partners.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as I perceive that my partner is not giving me love, because I have defined giving love to be different from what he is showing me, to compensate that expression of love from my partner with eating food and in that way giving myself love, instead of realising and understanding that I am separating myself from love even further by wanting my partner to show me love, which I have built my own picture/perception of through movies and input form my surroundings, and am even further separating myself from love by compensating the love that I perceive I wasn't getting from my partner with food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate/define/perceive eating food with loving myself, instead of realising and understanding that I am separating myself from myself, food and love at the same time within this perception.

I realise and understand that food does not give me love, and that I have been harming and compromising myself by trying to feel loved by eating food, therefore I commit myself to stop and remove all my perceptions of food being a comforter and a giver of love, and to use it strictly for the physical support that my body needs in order to function properly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive love as my partner doing everything that I want him to do, obeying my every desire as a command, hugging me and kissing me all the time, always regarding me when he's passing me, and always telling me that he loves me and that I am his whole world, and always wanting to have sex with me, thus making me feel desirable, instead of realising and understanding that I have built up this perception of love through fairy tales, tv shows and movies and data input from my surroundings, not realising and understanding that within these perceptions and definitions  I am separating myself from love, myself and all that is here into an imaginary mind dimension which can never be satisfied.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resort to eating food in order to make myself feel loved, whenever I perceived that my partner wasn't meeting my standards of behaviour towards me in terms of love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from love within my desire to feel loved by my partner, instead of realising and understanding that I am looking to love myself, and I perceived that I can only love myself through my perceptions of my partner's love towards me, therefore when those perceptions were not met, I would not love myself and would therefore resort to eating food in order to make myself feel loved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to get the love from my partner that I perceived I never got form my father, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a secret spitefulness towards my partner because I equated and perceived them as a substitute for my father, and because I never felt loved and appreciated by my father, I moved those behavioural patterns onto the relationship with my partner, where no matter how much my partner would try to show me appreciation, I would still feel unappreciated, because what I didn't realise was that I wasn't really having a relationship with my partner, but was only mimicking with him the relationship that I had with my father, in which I accepted and allowed myself to always feel belittled, not appreciated and abandoned.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that I have never in fact had a relationship with my partners, but have only transferred the behavioural relationship patterns from the relationship with my father onto my relationships with my partners, thus dooming the relationships to failure, because there was no way that I could ever feel loved within them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from love, appreciation and caring within my desire/want/need to feel loved, appreciated and cared for by my father, instead of realising and understanding that within this desire I am separating myself from myself and my self-responsibility to take care of myself in terms of surviving within this world, and my self-responsibility to love, appreciate and care for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want /desire that I could always rely on my parents/partner for money and shelter, so that I wouldn't have to get those things for myself, because I perceived and defined getting money and shelter for myself and being self-responsible in terms of survival in this world as hard, arduous and unpleasant. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for my parents/partner to show me love, appreciation and care and worry, so that I could make myself feel like I can rely on them in the future for survival without having to do anything in terms of making money, but could emotionally manipulate them into caring for me.

When and as I see myself wanting my parents(mother)/partner to express love for me, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am wanting this because I want them to ensure my survival in the future, within which I abdicate my absolute self-responsibility for doing that, therefore I release the trigger point and thought patterns with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath in absolute self-responsibility towards myself and my survival within this world and manifesting a world that is best for all in terms of helping implement the equal money system.

I commit myself to stop and remove all wants/needs/desires to feel loved and perceive that I am loved, because I realise and understand that this desire for love is my masked fear of survival and absolute self-responsibility, therefore I commit myself to thoroughly and fully investigate and remove my fear of survival thus fear of death.

In high school I was desperate for validation from boys and recognition from other people, especially in my class, but I perceived that I wasn't getting any, so I decided to isolate myself from it, and not look for it, thus suppressing the desire for it and taking on a kind of "fuckit" attitude. I enjoyed myself most when I was alone by myself eating food; that was when I felt happiest and most content and least threatened. So food was my way of making myself feel good and happy.

Eating due to having a fuckit attitude, to compensate for the love that I feel I am not getting from my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel desperate and sad and hopeless inside, whenever I was indulging in food in order to make myself feel better, because I thought that every bite of that food will make me fatter, and give me even less chance to feel loved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always eat with fear of getting fat, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming even more fat and therefore never experiencing that love and being desired by males in my surroundings. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to perceive that I am desired by males in my surroundings in order to be able to validate myself and feel superior about myself and feel safe in terms of having many options of being with many males that could take care of me in terms of survival, not realising and understanding that I am within this running away from my absolute self-responsibility and am reacting in fear of survival thus fear of death.

When and as I see myself wanting to perceive that men find me desirable, and feeling frustrated and angry because I am not able to do so due to my fat body, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that within wanting to be desirable I am looking to abdicate my absolute self-responsibility and wanting to lead a comfortable life without having to do anything for it, therefore I release the trigger point of wanting to feel desirable and the trigger point of frustration about my body's fat with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards removing all thoughts with which I want to abdicate my absolute self-responsibility and having to face myself in self-honesty in every breath.

I commit myself to stopping and removing my desire to be perceived as desirable, because I realise and understand that I am within this desire abdicating my self-responsibility for my own survival in the system and looking to have a comfortable life in a world where people starve to death, which is unacceptable, therefore I commit myself to face myself in self-honesty in every breath and work on myself with self-forgiveness and SCA in order to eventually globally manifest heaven on earth for everyone as the EMS.

Day 162: "Don't touch my stuff without my Permission!"

I've always considered myself to be a "generous person" who would always share things, and even sometimes give away things to another, and be left without myself. How generous. Only, it is not, because it was always done in self-interest, the self-interest being that I wanted to define/perceive myself as a "generous person", so that I could make myself feel superior to and more than others in my mind, which is not real sharing because of seeing another as oneself, but sharing from the starting point of being more than the other. What a fuckup.

I noticed myself reacting to someone taking something of mine without asking for it. I had absolutely no need for it in that moment, and if they hadn't taken it, it would just sit there, unused. But I reacted anyway, because it was -mine-. I know fully well what impudent stupidity it is to limit another's access to something that they need in a moment just for the sake of claiming ownership of it, but there I was, reacting inside like it was a matter of life and death. These feelings inside every human being are exactly what causes global starvation, conflicts and wars for resources. This is why we deny each other access to basic living accessories and necessities, because we either claim ownership or want to claim it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with annoyance, resentment, anger and frustration, whenever I see/perceive that someone has taken something from me or used something that I claim as mine, instead of realising and understanding that I do the same thing, only I justify it with "they don't need it at this moment, and I will buy them a new one", not realising and understanding what a hypocrite I am every time I energetically react to something that someone does which I do as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that it is rude for someone to take/use something that I claim as mine (especially when I am not using it), instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within a mind construct, which I have built up a long time ago, when my parents and surroundings taught me the concept of ownership and having to politely ask and wait for permission in order to use/take something that was not considered to be mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like people need to ask my permission in order to use/take things that I claim ownership over, even when I am not using them, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disrespected, angry, frustrated and resentful, when they do not ask my permission before taking/using it, instead of realising and understanding that I am reacting this way because I feel like I have been denied courtesy and consideration of my feelings, because I want to feel regarded and considered, thus superior, when I give the permission for my stuff to be used.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about myself and define myself as a generous person, whenever I am asked to give/lend something that I claim ownership over, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for others, especially those borrowing/taking/using, to perceive me as a generous person, so that I could make myself feel superior in my mind and define myself as a good person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am a good person, whenever I give permission for something of "mine" to be used/taken by another, instead of realising and understanding that I am in that moment not in fact considering the other as an equal, but am considering myself as superior to them for allowing them to use/take my stuff. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself and often give to others something that I myself needed to have/use, just for the sake of being able to feel like a good person, like a superior and generous human, instead of realising and understanding how I am in fact harming and compromising myself in order to satisfy my ego's need for feelings of superiority and validation as a good and generous person, within which I also often did more damage than good, because I would allow and give permission for something that wasn't necessarily good, but I would allow it in order to make myself feel good about myself.

When and as I see myself wanting to give more to another than I am able to just for the sake of feeling good about myself afterwards, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct, within which I will feel bad for giving away something that I myself needed and will also feel good about myself for "helping another", not realising and understanding that I am in that moment not regarding myself and the other as equals, but am looking to fulfil and satisfy my ego's desire for superiority, and will after that action expect the same in return, thus doing it from a starting point of self-interest - doing a favour in order to receive a favour - not regarding the reality of the situation and what is best for me in the context of what is best for all. Therefore I release the trigger point of wanting to feel good by giving to others with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards what is best for me in the context of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect people to return the favours/actions/things/money/words that I "give" and "bestow" upon them, instead of realising and understanding that I am having this expectation because of self-interest, fear of the future, within which I do not absolutely rely on myself but am expecting to be able to rely on others, which is not absolute self-responsibility and self-sufficiency, thus making another "in my debt" and creating the feeling within myself of another being in my debt and feeling superior about it and thinking that I have the right to claim reciprocity whenever I damn well please.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed, angry, sad, resentful and frustrated, whenever I perceive that I cannot claim reciprocity of a favour that I did to another, instead of realising and understanding that I am feeling this way because I have not regarded doing the favour in equality, but did it in self-interest in order to once be able to materialise/monetise that favour back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry, resentful, frustrated and sad, whenever I perceive that someone is not returning, doesn't want to, or cannot return a favour that I did for them, instead of realising and understanding that I am feeling this way, because I had expectations and tied that person in my mind to myself as being in debt to me, thus not regarding them as an equal but as my inferior.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all energetic mind reactions and thought patterns about giving/lending/doing favours to others, and to remove all my expectations of reciprocity in those cases, because I realise and understand that if I have expectations and feelings/thoughts of them being indebted to me, I am not regarding them or the situation in equality, but am only looking to satisfy my ego's demand for superiority, and powering my mind as ego with superiority and inferiority about and within the subject.

I realise and understand that "give as you would like to receive" doesn't mean that I have the right to claim reciprocity of what I am giving and in essence hold another hostage to reciprocating what I have done for them, but implies the consideration of being able to ask for assistance and support in equality, when that is required.

I realise and understand that having energetic emotional reactions to someone taking/lending/using things that I claim ownership over is the cause of humanity denying access to life-supporting resources between individuals, therefore I commit myself to remove all energetic reactions about the subject that come up in my mind with self-forgiveness and direct myself within consideration of what is best for all.

I realise and understand that "claiming ownership" is a ridiculous concept on this one enclosed planet, where everything and everyone is interconnected, therefore I commit myself to thoroughly investigate my own perceptions and definitions about ownership, and remove them with self-forgiveness. I also realise and understand that claiming ownership is a consequence of fear of survival due to living in a system, where not everything is equally accessible and available to all, therefore I commit myself to investigate and remove those fears of survival from myself (because they are limiting my interaction, communication and perception of others as equal beings), and direct myself in consideration of what is best for all and towards manifesting a reality in which all beings are considered as equals as Life, and have therefore unlimited access to everything that supports and assists Physical Life and not the delusional mind of fears.

Day 161: Stopping and removing my perceptions/beliefs of what one requires in order to be happy (body)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I need to have what I perceive to be a perfect body in order to be happy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from happiness within my belief that I need to have what I perceive to be a perfect body in order to be happy and live a fulfilled life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I cannot be happy, if I do not have what I perceive to be the perfect body, instead of realising and understanding that I am compromising myself and my body by conditioning happiness and joy with having what I perceive to be a perfect body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I will never be happy if I do not have what I perceive to be the perfect body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and achieve what I perceive to be the perfect body in order for me to be happy, not realising and understanding that I am separating myself from happiness, myself and all that is here within my belief that I must have a perfect body in order to be happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that if I do not have/achieve what I perceive to be the perfect body, I will never be happy, instead of realising and understanding that I am separating myself from happiness by defining and conditioning it with having what I perceive to be the perfect body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel/be unhappy, because I perceived myself to have an imperfect body, instead of realising and understanding that I am making myself unhappy by conditioning and defining happiness with having what I perceive to be the perfect body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse my physical body as a source of grief for myself and fuel my mind with hatred towards my body, because I perceived it as imperfect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive my body as imperfect, and in that definition separate myself from my body, myself and all that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a hateful and spiteful relationship towards my body in my mind, because I perceived and defined my body to be imperfect.

Day 161: War

I watched a movie, inspired by real events. In WW2 three Germans and two Englishmen, who had shot each other's planes down,  found themselves together in a hunting cabin in the middle of the Norwegian winter wilderness. After an awkward period of holding each other prisoners, they made friends, and two of them even got together after the war.

During the awkward taking each other prisoner part (they were going back and forth with their egos), I was laughing at the scenes, where they tried overpowering each other, and imagined myself handling the situation "so much better", because I would perceive them as equal human beings, and was expecting that I would get the same treatment in return. But that's just the superiority of my ego own ego. Reality probably would be much different.

But what really got to me, and provoked a really obvious emotional response, was the last part of the movie, where one of the Germans got killed by the Norwegian army, while he was enjoying himself with his newly found English friend. The Englishman mourned, and I got tears in my eyes. The backchat was really loud: "We are all equal human beings, how can we kill each other in wars, how can we kill another being that is just like us?" I got overwhelmed by sadness, anger, disbelief, rage and hopelessness. I just cannot understand, and then again - I can, because I've been the target of national indoctrination as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed sadness, anger, disbelief, rage and hopelessness about wars being fought in this world to exist within me, instead of realising and understanding that my emotional responses to wars will not change the situation on earth, and in fact fuel the war system in our minds and in the world, which is consisted of all of those emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for and about the wars that human beings are fighting amongst each other, and pretend that I do not understand it, when I am fully aware of the brainwashing that goes on in order to condition people into believing that wars are part of human nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at some point in my life accept and allow the belief/perception within myself that wars are part of human nature, and that wars are normal in this world, instead of realising and understanding that I was simply trying to explain to myself why wars exist, because I wasn't aware of the real reasons behind wars, which is always money, greed and power, which I have become aware of only later in my life.

Wars are fought on an individual level by individuals, thus the individuals need to be brainwashed into separation, such as nationality, faith, beliefs, philosophy and ownership. When I was little, my ears would get filled with stories about WW2, it would be nearly damn everywhere. I went to a school that was named after one of the bigger battlefields in our area. The city was full of monuments about it, and all other schools were named after some or other war hero. Picture of our (by then deceased) "bellowed leader, who lead us to victory", were in every classroom. My great grandfather supposedly hid the guy during the war. My mother played in a movie about the war, which was for a while predominantly the theme of our country's entertainment industry. The TV was full of movies about it, my teachers spoke about it, and my grandma sometimes as well. I grew up believing that the Partisans did a great job in deflecting the enemy from our territory.
The funny part within in all was that - there I was, a little child, seeing all these remnants of a Great World War. It happened, and now it finished a looong time ago. I perceived myself to be living in the time After the Great War - the Time of Peace, after humanity has resolved it's greatest conflict, and now we are focusing on the well being, fun, progress and betterment of humanity.
I was absolutely shocked, when I was around 9 or 10, to learn that there is a war being fought in Iraq. My grandmother was listening to the news all the time, and I was annoyed by this, because it was interfering with my winter-time fun. I asked her why she has to listen to it all the time, since it was happening in another part of the world (which I already then took as not part of my reality), and she snapped at me that it might come to us as well. It absolutely shocked me to think that I could find myself in the conditions of a war, which I have been hearing about in stories about the distant past. I imagined myself in scenarios where my home town would be bombed, I would be left without a home, be separated from my family, have no food and clothes, be cold... and it confused and scared me.
A few years after that a real war was started in our country. One of the republics (which I live in today) separated from the rest of the country, and this scared me. It was the end of my reality as I knew it. My life would not be the same, yet life itself remained, so I adapted to the new reality of living in a country that was falling apart.
Now as I read this text, I remember that I was also vaguely aware of the war in Vietnam through movies, but again, that wasn't part of my world, because it was happening somewhere else in the world. The Great WW2 had perspired a long time ago, and there was no doubt in my mind that it cannot happen again. My grandmother obviously knew better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe/perceive that I could never experience a war, because I believed/perceived that the great conflict of humanity had already been resolved and that it could never happen again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become shocked, when I learn that a new war is being fought, and that new human lives are being taken by bullets and guns, and to become scared that I might find myself amidst a war, instead of questioning the war and the motives for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I would never get to experience the horrors of war, and to perceive that I am safe and protected within this world by the army in my country, instead of questioning why it is that we have an army in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that there exist just reasons for war, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that justice exists, and that one side is always right and the other side is wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that some other country could invade my country, and that this is why we need to have an army.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to question the reason for why every country in the world needs to have an army, but simply accept it as the way things are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from war within my belief that I could never find myself in a war situation, because I am living in a post-ww reality in the developed world, and within my belief that if a war is happening in some other part of the world, then it isn't part of my reality and as such I should not worry or think about it, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within a self-consoling pattern, because I am aware that wars exist in the world, which instigates fear in me, and am therefore convincing myself that "everything will be ok, because this/my part of the world cannot experience war again"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of experiencing war, and all the negative things that come with it, such as bombing raids, loosing my home and being separated from my family, not having anything to eat and being taken hostage by the enemy and being raped and tortured by enemy soldiers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for people who are experiencing war, instead of realising and understanding that I am making myself feel superior and more than, because "I feel sorry for them, therefore I am a good human being, because I want no one to suffer", not realising and understanding how useless my feelings of sorry are in the matter, because they do not change or better anything, but only make me feel better about myself and make me feel like I have done my human duty to those that suffer in wards by feeling sorry for them.

When and as I see myself feeling sorry for people that experience war, and feel sorry about the fact that wars are being fought, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am only powering my mind as ego through making myself feel good about myself and defining myself as a good person because I feel sorry for those people, which I now realise and understand is absolutely useless bullshit, therefore I release the trigger point of feeling sorry for those in wars and direct myself in breath in common sense and questioning the war itself.

I commit myself to stopping and removing my feeling sorry for people that experience war, because I realise and understand that I am only making myself feel good about myself and superior to others, because I am apparently being empathetic. I realise and understand that the way I feel about war changes absolutely nothing in this world, but only impedes me and prevents me from questioning and directing myself towards what is best for all in order to stop wars once and for all in this world/humanity.

To be continued...

Day 160: Wanting to be different, not fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be different than how I am, to have a different body, similar to the image of the perfect female body that I have conjured up in my mind from the data input I took from the media and my surroundings, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and hate and judge the way that I look and define it as imperfect/ugly/not pretty, instead of realising and understanding that what I resist, persists, thus I have by resisting my body image created it.

When and as I see myself desiring/wanting to look differently than I look right now, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind comparison and competition construct about body image, which I have built up during my growing up from by using data from my surroundings and the media, within which I will want to have the perfect body in order to be able to compare clothes and appearance in clothes with other women, and get attention from men and compete with other women for the attention of men. Therefore I release the trigger point of wanting to look differently than I do now with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards what is best for my physical body and what supports it best within the context of what is best for all.

I commit myself to stopping and removing my desires to look differently than I am now, because I realise and understand that I am abusing myself with this desire by wanting to participate energetically within the mind system of comparison and competition with other women, with which I abuse my physical body with thoughts about wanting to look different and feeling less than, inferior, powerless and ugly for not being able to do so. I realise and understand that by participating with these thoughts I am only fueling my mind as ego/my perceptional reality with negativity and with wanting/desiring positivity, thus separating myself from all that is here within one single mind dimension of wanting to look better, where I disregard everything else in reality and miss out on life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the wishes of not being fat. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire to not be fat in order to not be teased by my peers and my family, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and angry, whenever I was or I perceived that I was being teased by my family and peers about my body image. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a fear of being teased about my weight, and fear having to experience being teased about my weight, instead of realising and understanding that the teasing only has power over me if I give it attention in my mind and power it with thoughts about it, thus catching myself in my own personal hell that I trigger with word that I hear from others and define as teasing.

When and as I see myself wishing that I would look different and not be fat, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that this wish is coming from fear of not being accepted by others and the fear of being teased, because I allowed as a child to become hurt by the teasing words of others who were talking about my fat, and I believed/perceived that those words define me. I realise and understand that whatever other people have to say about my appearance and body image does not define me or reflect me in any way, therefore I will not allow myself to feel like those words define me or reflect me, but will release any trigger point that I notice going off with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

I commit myself to remove from myself all wishes/desired to not be fat and to look different, because I realise and understand that those wishes are coming form me not feeling accepted due to body image and wanting to be accepted in terms of my body image, which I realise and understand to be feeling only because I have allowed myself to not accept myself and in fact reject myself for being fat, which I did by thinking/believing/perceiving that others are rejecting me because I am fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that other people are rejecting me and will reject me for being fat, and fear the rejection of me by other people due to my body image, and try to counter it and resist it by trying to not be fat in order to feel accepted and appreciated, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unappreciated and unaccepted and disrespected because of being fat, not realising and understanding that it is me who is creating these feeligns inside myself, thus disrespecting, not appreciating and not accepting myself due to the way my body looks - due to being fat. So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hatred for myself, not appreciate myself and not care for myself due to being fat. I realise and understand that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel this way because I have accepted and allowed the world perception of fat people, which was ridiculing them, labelling them as ugly and lazy and unclean and unworthy of love and appreciation, to become part of me, thus building up this kind of behaviour towards myself, thus separating myself from myself by judging myself the way I perceived that fat people should be judged.

When and as I see myself judging myself according to the world perception of fat people that I allowed to become part of my own perception, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that within this action I am separating myself from myself and all that is here into a self-judgement mind dimension, therefore I release the trigger point with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath, not allowing myself to judge myself in any way, because I realise and understand that I am responsible for stopping and removing all self-judgement because I have accepted and allowed it to exist within me.

I commit myself to erase and delete from myself all judgements,  perceptions, beliefs, definitions, opinions and behaviour towards fat people that I saw in others and accepted and allowed to become part of me, my existence, reality and behaviour towards fat people and consequentially myself, because I realise and understand that I paradoxically as a fat person have anyway accepted and allowed the world abusive perception towards fat people to exist within me, and I used it to compromise myself and hate myself, therefore I am responsible for stopping and removing it from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I do not deserve and am not worthy of appreciating myself, loving myself, caring for myself and embracing myself (due to being fat), if I perceive that other people do not appreciate, care and love me, following the logic that if others do not like me - when I perceive that others do not like me - then I shouldn't and am not allowed to like myself, instead of realising and understanding that within this I have developed a very self-destructive pattern of self-hatred, with which I powered my mind as ego and abused my body for the longest time.

When and as I see myself not liking myself because I perceive that someone else doesn't like me, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am conditioning how I treat myself with my perception of how other people treat me, thus following a pattern of wanting to be accepted by others instead of me accepting me. Therefore I release the trigger point of not liking myself and the thought pattern that follows with self-forgiveness and direct myself in full appreciation of myself as myself without allowing myself to be influenced by my perceptions of how other people see/perceive/accept me.

I commit myself to start liking myself, to embrace myself and to let go of all self-judgement that I have built up through years of perceiving how other people judge me, because I realise and understand that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up a pattern of self-destructive behaviour towards myself according to the input from my surroundings, from my perceptions of how others behave towards me, which I would then emulate and copy until it became a part of me. I realise and understand that I must stop my self-accepted and allowed behaviour towards myself, my self-hatred and loathing, because by participating within these patterns I separate myself from myself and all that is here into a mind dimension of emulating other people's behaviours and jdugements and definitions of/towards fat people. This is not me, and I will not allow it to be me anymore.

My heart area started hurting, which means that I have thought-patterns of how my partner doesn't accept me due to being fat, which is only my perception in relation to my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my partner cannot accept me due to me being fat, instead of realising and understanding that I myself am generating and creating these self-sabotaging thought within myself.

When and as I see myself thinking/believing/perceiving that my partner cannot accept me due to being fat, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my own belief that my partner cannot accept me because I am fat, because I do not accept myself because I am fat, and believe/perceive that I cannot and may not accept myself because I am fat, because I believe that I must be perfect/slender/lean/skinny in order to be accepted by others and consequentially accept myself. Therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern behind the belief that my partner cannot accept me because I am fat, and direct myself in breath within the awareness that my perception of my partner not accepting me is in fact my own non-acceptance of myself, which I also remove and delete from myself with self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to stopping and removing my perceptions of my partner being unable to accept me the way I am, because I realise and understand that I am coming from my own inability to accept me the way I am, therefore I commit myself to accept me the way I am and remove from my mind and reality all disapproval and non-acceptance and self-hatred and disrespect for myself for being fat, because I now realise and understand that I am the sole creator of these experiences, which I have taught myself to experience by building them from my perceptions of how fat people are being treated in this world and from the belief that I need to treat myself the same way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my father didn't love me and cherish me because I was fat and because he couldn't be proud of having a pretty daughter, instead of realising and understanding that I have come up with all of this in my head and allowed myself to build a negatively charged emotional construct around it, within which I hated my father and despised him for judging me by my appearance, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my father because of my perception that he didn't like me because he couldn't be proud of having a pretty daughter. I realise and understand that this is something that I myself have built up in my mind, I came to this conclusion by interpreting his behaviour within my own self-hatred that I accepted as part of me, therefore when and as I see myself remembering my father/parents in this way, I stop, breathe and release the trigger point with self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all blame towards others, my parents, family, partner, surroundings and the media for the way I experience myself and the attitude I have towards myself within myself, because I realise and understand that I myself  have accepted and allowed myself to build up thought patterns within which I experience myself, therefore I will release them with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath with appreciation for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel helpless and hopeless, whenever I saw/perceived that other people are judging me for being fat, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel helpless and hopeless for living in a world, where fat women are judged as inferior and less than slender thin women, instead of realising and understanding that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an emotional mind construct around the subject, with which I kept myself occupied and busy and completely separated from reality and all that is here by fueling and feeding my mind as ego with my unhappiness and inferiority about my body image.

When and as I see myself feeling helpless and hopeless about fat people being judged in this world as inferior to slender/thin/skinny people, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am feeling this way, because I accepted and allowed myself to incorporate these beliefs into and as myself, into my perceptional reality, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath and the awareness that I do not have to and in fact do not allow this to be part of my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hopeless and helpless whenever I am walking with my partner, and we encounter a thin woman, because I think/believe/perceive that he immediately goes into desire for thin women, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within my own fear of loss partner to a thin woman, and my perception/definition that thin women are more desirable to men than fat women, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to incorporate within myself the belief that thin women are prettier and more desirable than fat women/me.

When and as I see myself going into desperation around my partner when meting a thin woman and think/believe/perceive that he desires thin women more than me, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within the fear of loss of a partner, within which I fear that I would feel inferior and less than, if I lost my partner to a thin woman, and feel humiliated and disgraced, if I was to loose my partner to a thin woman.  I realise and understand that I am participating within a survival construct of wanting/keeping a partner so that I would not have to be alone and would have a constant supply of sex, which I define to be the comfort of a partnership.

I commit myself to stopping and removing my need for  a partnership, because I realise and understand that I am making myself co-dependent by participating within my desire for partnership, thus not standing absolutely within myself as comfort and self-responsibility due to desiring to have a constant supply of sex, thus fearing loosing having sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider and think about and wish that I could use mechanical means of altering my body so that I would not be fat anymore, such as surgeries and liposuction. I also forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider and to think about and wish that I could use chemical means of altering my body so that I would not be fat anymore, such as ephedrine, cocaine and other drugs that I learned were suppressing hunger. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous and envious of rich people, whom I perceive/believe are able to lose weight by means of snorting cocaine and not having to put too much effort into losing weight.

When and as I see myself wanting to be able to change my body and lose weight with mechanical and/or chemical means, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within the self-destructive, self-judging mind construct that I have built up from beliefs of how my body should look in order for me to be happy, therefore I release the trigger point of wanting to be happy with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards what is best for my physical body and what will support it best in terms of physical well-being.

I commit myself to stopping and removing my beliefs about how my body should look in order for me to be happy, because I realise and understand that I am only separating myself from my body and happiness within my perceptions/beliefs that I should look a certain way in order to be happy, instead of realising and understanding that everything I need is already here. Within this I commit myself to stopping and removing my perceptions/beliefs of what one requires in order to be happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become desperate and feel sad, angry and hopeless, because I am not able to change the way my body looks, for not being able to lose the fat and become a slender/skinny person, instead of realising and understanding that this is one of the standards that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need in order to be happy, not realising and understanding that within this I am separating myself from happiness within my definitions of what happiness is.

When and as I see myself becoming frustrated for not being able to change my body, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am separating myself from myself and all that is here within my desire to change my body in order to satisfy my perception of happiness, within which I separate myself from happiness by defining it to be having a what I perceive to be perfect body. Therefore I release the definition/trigger point of wanting to change my body/perception of happiness with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards what really supports my physical body and assists and supports it's physical well-being.

I commit myself to stopping wanting to change my body's appearance, because I realise and understand that if I want to change it, it is because I am participating within my own definitions/perceptions of what happiness is, thus within them separating myself from happiness. I realise and understand that everything I need and require is already here, and me chasing happiness is due to me having accepted and allowed myself to build up my own personal perception of happiness from the data-input from my surroundings and the media.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself and be angry at myself and judge myself and punish myself with harsh words towards myself in my mind for not being able to lose the fat from my body. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cry and feel sorry for myself for not being able to lose my fat and never being able to look the way that I desired to look.

When and as I see myself being distressed, angry and sad about not being able to change my body and loose the fat on it, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating in my mind within a chase for an illusion of happiness that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up an image of, therefore I release the trigger point and definition/perception of happiness with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath without separating myself from myself within my desire to reach my own illusion of happiness by trying to lose weight, because I realise and understand that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that happiness means having a slender/thin/skinny body and attracting looks from males with which I could feed my mind energy with superiority within comparison with other women.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all my emotional/energetic reactions towards what my body looks like, because I realise and understand that if I am reacting to the way my body looks, I am participating within my own self-accepted beliefs/perceptions of happiness and what life (and my body within it) should be like, and the desire for attaining and achieving such a life, with which I only separate myself from life, myself and all that is here.

Day 159: Scanning males as potential partners

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously, when meeting new men whom I see/perceive to be interested in me sexually, take interest in them from that sexual/relationship perspective, and check out their looks, social status and income status, and speculate about those things and come to conclusions in my mind about them just from looking at their picture, instead of realising and understanding that I am following a preprogrammed mind design, where I will equate men, whose pictures are in line with what I have in my mind accepted to be a picture of a "successful" man in terms of survival in this world (money and social status), with success, and label them as possible/potential partners, not realising and understanding that within this I am abdicating my self-responsibility within my wish/desire to have a partner whom I perceive would be giving me "stability" - thus survival in this system - by being what I perceive to be a "successful male".

When and as I see myself being/becoming interested in men from the perspective of having them as potential partners, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am searching for stability and success and dignified survival and safety in another by means of sexual and emotional manipulation, instead of working towards giving those things to myself. Therefore I release the trigger point with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath and regard men as equal human beings and not potential partners, where I would judge and label and grade them.

I commit myself to stopping looking at men as potential partners, because I realise and understand that by doing that I am only looking for ways to in a partnership hide from myself and my own absolute self-responsibility and self-sustainability.

Day 158: Strangers

Today a stranger approached my partner and me, when we were throwing frisbee in the park. I choked up a little, not entirely sure whether I have ever before met this person. It happens a lot that I want to introduce myself, and then the other says that we've already met, which leaves me in an awkward apologising position. I met a lot of people in my life, because my mom used to bring home new people all the time, and I was a potsmoker for quite a while. Those two things combined result in me not remembering most of the people that I've briefly met.
He joined in and turned out to be quite the frisbee player. He showed and taught us some moves, and we played. All the while I felt inferior and ashamed every time I missed or made a mistake, this implying that I am still subject to desire to make a good impression on others. Incidentally, I talked to another stranger today in a coffee place, and I didn't feel the same energies, I was much more relaxed, because I didn't want to impress that guy in any way, because he was old, his days are numbered and I didn't feel under pressure to be any kind of example to him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choke up and feel under pressure to make a good impression on a stranger that I meet for the first time. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that I might have already met that person somewhere and that I had forgotten about them, thus putting myself in the situation where I have to apologize to them for forgetting. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I must apologize, whenever I meet someone that I have already met, but forgot about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel under pressure to leave a good impression and be an example to other people/strangers that I meet for the first time, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating with superiority, because I perceive that I am better than others due to doing process and that I must stand as an example to others, instead of sharing myself unconditionally.

When and as I notice myself wanting to leave a good impression on others and wanting to be an example to others, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am being superior in that moment, therefore I release the trigger point with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards what is best for all.


I commit myself to stopping and removing my desire to leave a good impression on others, on strangers, because I realise and understand that in that moment I am being superior and more than within my perception that I must stand as an example, and am not sharing myself unconditionally.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable around strangers, instead of realising and understanding that I am feeling uncomfortable because of my desire to leave a good impression on them, and I have not yet collected enough data on their personality in order to calculate and assess how to leave a good impression on them, therefore I feel uncomfortable. I realise and understand that this is manipulation and self-manipulation, with which I want to make myself appear and feel like more than others, superior to others, which is a mind polarity construct, therefore I release the trigger point of discomfort with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath without wanting other people's/stranger's approval and validation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from strangers by wanting to leave a good impression on them, and perceive/define people that I've never met as strangers, whose personalities I have yet to learn about in order to make them like me, instead of realising and understanding that within this I am disabling myself from communicating and interacting with those people as equals.

Day 157: The Eurovision Hunger Games

Today was the Eurovision song contest, which I used to watch with my family when I was little. I stopped quite a few years ago, when the quality of the music dropped to an astoundingly low level, giving way to the visual stimuli and cheap "catchy" beats that replaced it.

But this year, just for the sake of having a chance to view it on a huge screen tv, I gave in to nostalgia, knowing fully well what to expect.

So two days ago I watched the semi finals, and in a given moment, the show host turned to one of the performers, and said in a highly snobbish way that he looks fabulous. The scene reminded me of a movie I watched last year, the Hunger Games. The similarity between the movie and this real life show was astounding. Only the killing was missing. 

Here we are, a world in peril, crippled by wars, famine, slave labour pollution and the division of the population into a small elite and a vast majority of increasingly unhappy "citizens", yet we as individuals do nothing about it, because we're too entertained, too busy, and too limited, to even conceive that we, as a part of the whole, are responsible for the mess that humanity finds itself in. We are too busy supporting the system to even notice how we are supporting the system.

The ironic part was that the slogan of this year's contest was "We are one", which was meant to give the average European a sense of belonging, and to promote the slowly but surely coming merging into the European Superstate. That's all fine and dandy, only the average European is not even remotely aware of where it's comfortable lifestyle is coming from. It's coming from the wars, famine, slave labour and consequential pollution of the other parts of the world, which are conveniently termed as "second" and "third", as to not be seen as part of this "first" one, thus "not being our problem". And that's how we deal with that.

Unfortunately for us, limited beings of the "first" world, there is no such thing as three worlds. There is only one enclosed Earth, an interconnected system of systems, which is all but collapsing into itself. The fact that we're not noticing it yet is due to it's physical size, but this is also catching up with us, as the global monetary-economic system, whose mathematical design is working against Life itself, puts more and more people on the street - even in the so called "first" world.

When do we truly realise that we are in fact one and that each one is equally responsible for the abuse that is going on? Will it only happen as we experience the nuclear winter? Or not even then?

We need a new system, one that supports Life and all living beings, but that will only happen when 51% of us realise all of the aforementioned. For that we need to rid ourselves from the imaginary reality that we have conditioned ourselves into throughout our lives by following the programming and thus perpetuating the sins of our forefathers.


www.equalmoney.org
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com
www.desteni.org

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect/equate the eurovision song contest with cosiness, comfortableness, fun and safety, because I used to watch it with my family when I was little.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive watching the eurovision song contest as a fun activity, instead of realising and understanding that while I am being entertained, billions of beings on this planet are suffering and dying for me to be able to be entertained.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply accept the eurovision song contest as something normal in this world, instead of realising and understanding that it is simply another diversion point, with which I keep myself oblivious to the world in peril that surrounds me and my own personal responsibility towards it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself with the eurovision song contest, and define/perceive myself an authority for giving critique on it, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within a superiority construct of my mind, where I will compare myself to the contestants and criticize them in my belief that "I would do better" or support them, because the song might have struck a chord that appealed to me, not realising and understanding that I am making this activity a part of my own personal bubble, in which I am so self-important that watching the show and giving my opinion on it is more important than all the suffering that I allow by participating within this construct and therefore ignoring the suffering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to watch the show with the starting point of choosing a favourite that I would then root for and identify myself with, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I will feel superior, happy and positive, when my favourite is doing well in the rating part of the show, and will feel inferior, negative and sad, when my favourite is not doing well in the rating part of the show. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have energetic reactions/emotional responses to how my favourite is doing in the rating part of the show, instead of realising that this is exactly how I keep myself enslaved and blind to the actual state of the world, by creating and filtering my own version of it, where I will then talk about my favourite and try to get others to agree with my opinions and perceptions, not realising and understanding that with this action I am only powering my mind as ego of thoughts, emotions and feelings that power the separation between human beings in the world and making us blind to each other and seeing ourselves in another, because then we believe that we are seemingly different, when in fact we all have the same basic needs, which should be provided for everyone equally, but are in our current reality provided only for a few of us out here in the imaginary "first world".

Day 156: Looking at men in the streets

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with my partner when/as I see/perceive that he is not stopping his energetic addictions to looking at women, instead of realising and understanding that I am annoyed by this because I am jealous of the women he is looking at.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous of the women that my partner is looking at, and think/believe/perceive that he is desiring to be with them, instead of realising and understanding that I am projecting onto him my own pattern, where I will look at men in the streets and grade them and desire to be with them and am imagining myself having sex with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to while walking the streets look at men that are coming my way, and grade them and rate them and imagine myself having sex with them based on their physical appearance and whether they suit my type of male that I would have sex with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project onto my partner my own patterns of looking at men and imagining myself and desiring to have sex with them.

Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior, whenever I see a man that fits my own preprogrammed type of male that I would have sex with, and when he looks at me and looks away, think/believe/perceive that he doesn't find me attractive enough to desire me and have sex with me, instead of realising and understanding that I am imagining this and believing that my thoughts reflect reality, not realising and understanding that I am only participating within my mind's polarity construct, where I will feel inferior when I perceive that a male doesn't want to have sex with me, and will feel superior, when I perceive that a man does want to have sex with me, with which I only power the mind as ego - I am feeding it energy through friction, positivity and negativity.

Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look away in order to not have to deal with these energies and thoughts about men not desiring me, instead of realising and understanding that I am only suppressing and not wanting to face my own thoughts about this, and believing that I can stop this pattern by not participating within the staring interaction with men on the streets, not realising and understanding that I am only playing into the opposite polarity of participating within the staring and grading and rating game. 

When and as I see myself looking away from men on the streets, so that I wouldn't have to face the disappointment of perceiving that they do not want to look at me, because I think/believe/perceive that I am not attractive enough to be stared at, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct of making myself feel inferior, when and as I see/perceive that men are not looking at me, and making myself feel superior , when I see/perceive that men are looking at me for long enough for me to believe that they like me. Therefore I release the trigger point of looking away, which is my judgment of myself as not pretty enough to be desired, with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath and not participate within the self-destructive thoughts of "I am not good enough".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself feel disappointed, whenever I perceive that a man is not looking at me long enough for me to believe that he is attracted to me, instead of realising and understanding that in that moment I am compromising myself by participating within my mind and powering it as ego through inferiority.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all my thought patterns of "I am not good enough/not pretty enough", because I realise and understand that I am only abusing myself and compromising myself by participating with these thoughts to power my mind as ego and am abusing my physical body for the creation of the accompanying energies