Monday, 21 April 2014

Day 186: Fears in relation to time



Getting my work done by the deadline is extremely important to my boss, and is a vital part of me getting paid for my work.
I've always been one that is late. I've also always been one that promises to do something, and then doesn't follow through. It's not that I wouldn't want to do something I promised, it's a point of laziness (escaping reality) and wanting to enjoy myself (escaping reality) rather than working, thus losing time and eventually not being able to complete what I have promised.
I was always late with my schoolwork - if I've done it at all. I always had correctional exams at the end of the school year in high school, because I didn't do the work during the school year (due to escaping reality - drunk parents, which became a big source of excuses for me not doing in life what I'm supposed to do and what is expected of me - by watching tv, reading books and comics), thus my vacation was always tainted with schoolwork in high school. I've started defining myself as lazy and tardy, and I exist in fear of never being able to overcome this point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that I will never be able to overcome the point of being lazy and tardy, instead of realising and understanding that with this fear I am justifying myself as a tardy and lazy person and with this fear I am justifying why I do not change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive/see myself as a lazy and tardy person, instead of realising and understanding that with this definition I am allowing myself to not change this point.
When and as I see myself being lazy and tardy and/or perceiving myself as a lazy and tardy person, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that by allowing such thoughts within me to exist, I am giving myself permission to be the way I think I am, tardy and lazy. Therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath towards what is best for all, and I do not allow myself to perceive/define myself as tardy and lazy.
I commit myself to stopping and removing all thought patterns of laziness and tardiness, because I realise and understand that I compromise myself with these patterns and do not allow myself to face my responsibilities immediately, but put them off and procrastinate.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel resistance towards immediately dealing with my responsibilities and to rather put them off for later.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use work as an excuse to not deal with my responsibilities immediately.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define my work as my greatest responsibility, instead of realising and understanding that I am hiding behind work from my other responsibilities, which I do not want to face due to me defining them as a hassle, boring, inconvenient and unpleasant.
When and as I see myself avoiding facing my responsibilities, and working instead, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's construct, where I feel less bad about shunning my other responsibilities in order to do work, because I define/perceive work to be very important and I use it as a "good excuse" to not have to deal with my other responsibilities in life. Therefore I release the trigger point of wanting to avoid my responsibilities and I direct myself in breath towards taking care of what I can in the moment.
I commit myself to stopping and removing my thought patterns with which I hide behind work from having to face my other responsibilities in life, because I realise and understand that by hiding from my other responsibilities in life, I am compromising myself by piling up my other responsibilities and creating unwanted consequences for myself.
I didn't do my schoolwork, because I defined/perceived it as boring, as hard work. I didn't take good notes in school, because I could never decide on the form and design of the notes, on prioritizing with colours, even on the shape of my handwriting. I changed it frequently to be similar to the handwriting of schoolmates that I admired/wanted to be like. I thought that if I wrote like them, and had nice notes and notebooks like them, I will be as effective as them. (I always strived for perfection, and at the slightest sign of not being able to achieve it, I would give up - which was almost always.) However, when I got home, and had to deal with drunk parents and a moneyless broken home, I lost all willpower to do schoolwork. I had it in school, and then reality abruptly changed every day when I'd get home, and I'd go and watch tv in order to isolate myself from this harsh reality, thus manifesting the ever present lateness in my life.
I always wanted to live up to my parents claims that I am special, better than others, more than, superior, but through growing up I gave up on it and secluded myself in my own little fantasy world with tv and reading and later computer games and the internet.
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being late with my work, and my boss yelling at me for being late, and threatening me that I will lose my job.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect being late with my work and not completing it until the dead line to fear, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my job because of being late with my work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect being late with work and losing my job because of it to fear, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing a constant source of money if I lose my job.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect losing money due to losing my job to fear, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about having fun and about completing my tasks as soon as possible so that I can have fun, while I am doing the work that must be done, instead of realising and understanding that I am compromising myself by doing so, because I am wasting time by thinking about having fun while doing the work, I am not fully concentrated on my work, but am divided into separate dimensions of reality and future projections of having fun in my mind, and so I am separating myself from all that is Here and the task at hand, therefore rendering myself less effective with the task than my full potential is. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/desire that the work would already be over/be over as soon as possible so that I could focus on having fun and not have to worry about work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive work as something that I have to worry about and feel negative about, instead of realising and understanding that I am compromising myself with these definitions and energetic reactions towards work.
When and as I see myself thinking about having fun and hurrying to get the work done as soon as possible in order to be able to have fun afterwards, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am compromising the quality of my work, because I am not absolutely concentrated on it, not fully being Here while thinking about fun, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath and do not allow myself to go into mind dimensions of wanting to have fun and wishing that the work was already over.
I commit myself to stopping and removing all definitions of fun and not fun, because I realise and understand that by defining things as fun and not fun, I am participating within a polarity construct of my mind, where I will gladly and enthusiastically do things that I define/perceive as fun, and will create resistance within myself/my mind towards doing things that I define/perceive as not fun, thus separating myself from whatever I am doing.
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the justification and excuse about me having had a hard life and growing up with alcoholic parents within communication with people I perceived as authority, whenever I didn't finish a responsibility or whenever I wanted to avoid doing something that was expected of me in the system, such as finishing school and having good grades.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of myself for having used excuses and justifications about having a hard life and alcoholic parents in communication with people I perceived to be authority.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as helpless and hopeless within the context of directing my own life into a direction that is best for me within the context of what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as a failure that is unable to direct my life in a direction that is best for me within the context of what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become comfortable with defining/perceiving myself as a failure that is not able to direct her life effectively.
When and as I see myself looking for justifications and excuses for not doing something that I know I should do/be doing, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that by looking for justifications and excuses, I am abdicating my absolute self-responsibility for directing my life into a direction that is best for me within the context of what is best for all, therefore I release the trigger point of looking for justifications/excuses and I direct myself in breath towards completing the task at hand, and do not allow myself to trap myself into inaction with justifications and excuses.

I commit myself to stop and remove all justifications and excuses for not doing something, because I realise and understand that I inhibit myself with justifications and excuses from effectively directing my life into a direction that is best for me within the context of what is best for all.

Day 185: Fear of the future


Lately the news about governments doing everything to stifle and inhibit the people has been getting to me. The news about the economic situation and complete lack of care for the life of humans in it has been getting to me as well. I became afraid of what might happen if my workload diminishes, how I will take care of myself in the future and how I will be able to stand up for what is best if I do not have the necessary living conditions to survive taken care of.
The memory that has been coming up is of my family moving to a new country into a new system - capitalism, where we moved into complete lack, so much so that we sometimes didn't have any food in the house. But there was always alcohol. Spitefulness towards my mother who was an alcoholic. I remembered now that I once bought her a liquor for birthday, trying to make her like me by fuelling her addiction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the economic situation in my country and the world might become so bad in the future that I might be out of options to take care of myself in a legal manner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and equate 'the economic situation in the world and my country becoming so bad that I could be out of legal options to take care of myself' to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being stifled and inhibited by our governments and politicians and thus not being able to stand up for what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'being stifled and inhibited by our governments and politicians thus not being able to stand up for what is best for all' to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about the future in a negative way with fear of being inhibited and stifled by my government/politicians, instead of realising and understanding that with this fear I am in fact inhibiting and stifling myself into inaction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'the future and what might happen in the future' to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that 'politicians and governments can stifle and inhibit their people from taking action', and to connect this perception/belief to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger and resentment and fear, whenever I see/perceive that a government is trying to inhibit its people from taking legal action, instead of remaining here in breath and not allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear politicians because I think/believe/perceive that they are more powerful than me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'politicians' to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the politicians will not want to give up their power without fucking the planet up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'politicians not wanting to give up their power' to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of going into politics, becoming politically involved and voicing and standing for what is best for all, because I think/believe/perceive that politicians/government will do everything in their power to inhibit and stifle me, thus dig up dirt from my past and use it against me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that politicians/government are going to try and dig up dirt about my past and use it against me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'politicians/government digging up dirt about my past' to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

When and as I see myself being afraid of being politically active, doubting that I can have any meaningful impact within politics and being afraid of people in politics digging up my past in order to stop me with it, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's limitation constructs where I am giving in to my ideas of participation within politics, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath towards what is best for all and do not allow my fears to direct me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize about/want/need/desire  to become a politician who would have an impact and would implement a change and would be cherished by all people and feel superior about myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the future within the context of me having to take political action in the future in order to manifest what is best for all, so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of taking political action in the future and messing up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of making mistakes in the future.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'making mistakes in the future' to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of making mistakes in the future to exist within me.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise how I am inhibiting and limiting myself by allowing the fear of making mistakes in the future to exist within me.
When and as I see myself being afraid of making a mistake in the future, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's construct of feeling bad and inferior when I make a mistake, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath and not allow myself to inhibit myself with fear of making a mistake.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'making a mistake' to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never take action, when I could have taken it, due to being afraid of making a mistake somewhere in the future.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never take action, when I could have taken it, due to not knowing and/or not being able to control the outcome.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'the future' with the unknown and with me not having control over the outcome, which I connected to fear, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'the unknown future' and 'me not having control (over the outcome) in the future' to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone in the future.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'being alone in the future' to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

When and as I see myself being afraid of being alone in the future, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's relationship construct, where I need other people to define myself with, and at the same time I am abdicating my self-responsibility by wanting to have others live with me in order to not have to be absolutely self-responsible for myself in the future, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath towards what is best for all and do not allow myself to be afraid of being alone in the future.