My relationship with the word "please"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at X, whenever she tells me to do something without saying please.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach an incredible amount of value to the word "please", and judge/perceive/define people who do not use the word "please" as people without culture, as inferior, as uneducated and unsophisticated, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior to people who I perceive do not use the word please in their communication with me when they are asking/telling me to do something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look down upon people who I don't hear using the word please in communication with other people when telling or asking them to do something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define myself as having more culture, more manners, and therefore as superior because I use the word please in communication with other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the word please in a derogatory way, where I will pronounce it with a tone of superiority, which I have learned from my aunt, and speak it in a way that shows that I think that I am a better person than the one that I am directing the word at.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the word please in an ordering manner, where I do not in fact ask the other person do to something, but am ordering them to do it by speaking the word in a demanding manner and tone, because I perceive that I have power over them and can afford to use the word please in an ordering tone, so as to strengthen my superiority over them by making myself still appear polite, which I define/perceive as a superior state of being to being impolite, and to at the same time strengthen my perceived power over them with being condescending and patronising.

When and as I see myself wanting to use the word please in order to appear superior to the person I am talking to, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating in emotional manipulation, I'm trying to subdue the other person, and since I wouldn't want to be treated that way, I commit myself to stopping myself and changing myself in the moment by applying and living understanding, gentleness and care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak the word please angrily, wherever I perceive that I can afford to do so without serious consequences to the relationship with the person I am talking to, as a way of manipulation, to manipulate them with fear, to make them afraid of my anger, so that they would more readily comply with what I am asking of them, not realising and understanding that I am participating in a power play where I am trying to overpower the other person by speaking the word please in an angry tone and manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define speaking the word please angrily as cool and superior, and perceive it to be a way to strengthen my authority over people.

When and as I see myself wanting to speak the word please angrily, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I have picked up this behaviour from my father, whom I saw as an authority figure, and started emulating his way of speaking it in order to establish my own authority over people. I also realise and understand that I am with this manner of speaking the word please invoking negative emotions within people about themselves and about myself, which makes it impossible to have cooperation between us, therefore I commit myself to stop and to check my starting point for speaking the word please, am I asking for assistance or am I using it as a way of manipulating others, and to apply and live understanding and cooperation as I align myself to what is best for all.

I commit myself to be/become alert to the way I am speaking the word please, and to remove all energetic ties to the word with which I exert superiority or inferiority, and to learn to use it solely for asking for assistance when I self-honestly need it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior, whenever I use the word please to ask for assistance a person that I in that moment define/perceive as more than myself, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I am begging them when I use the word please to ask them for something, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel fear, doubt, inferiority, insecurity, to feel less than, and to be afraid of how they will respond, and to feel negative and bad, whenever their response to my please is no.

When and as I see myself feeling inferior, insecure and frightened of/about the answer being no, whenever I use the word please, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to investigating why I am feeling this way towards the person I am talking to, and aligning myself to become equal in my communication and expression towards them by self-forgiving anything and everything that comes up in that moment.

Buying something because I feel sorry for salespeople

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for salespeople, and to think/believe/perceive that they must be suffering tremendously because of having to sell stuff, and to therefore desire to buy the stuff that they are offering me in order to diminish their suffering.

When and as I see myself wanting to buy something solely because I want to diminish the salesperson's suffering, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment compromising myself, therefore I commit myself to realistically and commonsensically assessing whether I really need the product that is being offered to me, or am I wanting to please the salesperson by buying it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define selling stuff to people, offering them stuff and getting negative responses as a form of suffering since the times my mother was a book saleswoman, whom I used to feel sorry for and pity her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for salespeople and pity them for having to be salespeople, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to therefore want to buy their products just to make them feel better about themselves for having made a sale.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel obliged to buy a product that is being offered to me, and responsible for the salesperson's happiness, and to therefore desire to buy their product in order to make them happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like shit, to feel bad, as a bad person, whenever I do not want to buy a product that is being offered to me, and that I know the salesperson is getting a percentage of, and to within that feel like I am diminishing their ability to survive comfortably in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad, whenever I am trying to sell something and no one wants to buy it, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project this sadness onto other salespeople, to think/Believe/perceive that they will be sad if I do not buy their product, and to feel responsible for making them sad if/when I do not want to buy the product that they're offering me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, whenever I am being offered a product, which I do not want to buy, imagine the salesperson not meeting their necessary quota for a decent survival, not being able to feed or clothe their children, and to with this imagination persuade and convince myself into buying their product, and to then within that feel like a good person, like I did something good for them, to feel morally superior.

When and as I see myself persuading myself that I should buy an offered product in order to help the salesperson survive and make a living in this world, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating in moral superiority, that I am not really considering that person, but I am in fact rubbing my own ego by thinking that I am a good person for buying the product, therefore I commit myself to keeping it practical and assess whether I really physically need the product and direct myself accordingly.

I commit myself to being alert, whenever I am being offered a product which I did not ask for or look for myself, and to apply practical common sense when assessing whether I really need or could use the offered product, and to not give in to my desire to be seen as a good person by myself for buying the product and thus helping the salesperson meet their quota, to have a decent survival in this world.

Day 207: The 'convenience' of euthanasia for animals

A family cat is dying. I don't live with the cat, so I can't know for sure, but yesterday when visiting I didn't get the impression that it's in such a bad shape that it needs to be put down. I was cautious about this subject because I didn't want to come off as wanting to put the cat down because it is cheaper and more convenient than treatment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive/consider/regard putting animals down as more convenient for me than treatment of the animal because it is cheaper, quicker and generally less of a hassle, not realising and understanding that in that moment I am only considering myself and my own needs/wants/desires/ and not the animals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive people, who consider money before the well-being of an animal - regardless of what their financial situation is - as heartless, and therefore feel like a heartless person because I am taking into consideration my own survival within the system when considering the treatment or euthanasia for an animal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider/define/perceive my own financial situation and saving money to be more important than an animals well being, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that spending money on the treatment of animals is an unnecessary and unfair expense, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within fear of loss of money and am therefore putting money before life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of considering my own financial situation/well-being before the health of an animal that needs medical treatment, and want to hide it from myself and others by not wanting to put an animal down even when it is needed due to not wanting to come off as if I am rushing it only to save money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being seen/perceived as neglectful and selfish if I suggest an animal to be put down without exercising every other available option no matter how much it costs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for not being prepared to spend all of my money on the treatment of an animal, when I perceive that the treatment would not be efficient.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a villain, like I am doing something evil and bad, whenever I need to put down an animal to relieve it of it's suffering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to counter/balance the feeling of doing something bad when putting down an animal by calling/perceiving/defining it as an 'act of mercy', with which I would try to feel superior in order to neutralize the feeling of inferiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive any act of killing as 'bad', regardless of the starting point, instead of realising and understanding that the starting point is everything and accepting death as a part of life without judging it as 'bad'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define putting down an animal as a relief for me because I don't have to worry about it being in pain anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone putting down an animal because I felt bad about killing it.

When and as I have an energetic emotional reaction to putting down an animal, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my 'death is bad' construct, and am therefore not able to be clear about the situation, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath towards what is best for all and do not allow myself to be influenced by my own perceptions and definitions of death.

I commit myself to investigating and releasing my mind construct of 'death is bad', because I realise and understand that death is a part of life and only the mind fears death due to not knowing what is beyond it.

Day 206: "Doing accounts is so boooring and I don't want to!"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to shift my responsibilities for taking care of my business onto other people, and have them take care of those responsibilities of mine so that I wouldn't have to work and educate myself in order to be absolutely responsible for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have other people, like my accountant, take care of my expenses sheets so that I would not have to be bothered with them. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive having to do expenses sheets for myself/my business as a hassle, as a burden, as a bother, instead of allowing myself to learn and be the directive principle of my own business, not realising and understanding that with these negative perceptions about doing expense sheets about my business, I am limiting myself from being able to look at the point, learning and educating myself about the point, and taking full responsibility and be the directive principle in whole of my business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up resistances towards accounting and doing accountant responsibilities for my business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and equate accounting business with mathematics, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a negative attitude towards doing my accounts and my expense sheets, instead of realising and understanding that I am severely limiting myself from being absolutely self-responsible and in control of my business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as the non-accounting type, as one that is too dumb and too limited and too uneducated to be able to be doing accountant work for my business such as expense sheets, and too dumb and limited to educate myself about the way my business works within the system, instead of realising and understanding that with these perceptions I am making excuses for myself to not have to take absolute self-responsibility and could rather shift that responsibility for my business onto my accountant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think in this moment that "if my friend's mother can do expense sheets, then so can I", instead of realising and understanding that I am going into comparison and competition, and I am also feeling ashamed of myself for not wanting to take responsibility for my business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and equate doing my accounts, my expenses sheets to boring mathematics.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive mathematics boring and uninteresting, instead of realising and understanding that with this definition/perception I am giving myself permission to not learn it, thus I am limiting myself and abdicating my responsibility towards learning mathematics.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as one that is not naturally talented mathematician, instead of realising and understanding that I have been limiting myself my whole life with this perception and abdicating my responsibility towards learning mathematics.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that some people are naturally gifted for mathematics, and some are not, instead of realising and understanding that learning mathematics is only a matter of exercise, which I have proven to myself numerous times when I passed tests for which I actually studied.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of mathematics because I have within myself built up a mind construct about mathematics being hard and incomprehensible to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself when I thought that I am not able to be good with mathematics, instead of realising and understanding that I was simply giving into laziness because I didn't feel like doing the necessary exercises in order to fully grasp mathematics.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I have been limiting myself my whole life from learning mathematics by creating a perception within myself about mathematics, which I charged negatively and so have created resistance towards mathematics.

When and as I see myself feeling any kind of polarity energetic movements within myself towards mathematics or any other school subject, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment compromising myself and limiting myself from effectively learning about that subject, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and I direct myself towards effectively learning about the subject without any polarized energetic perceptions about it.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all my energetic, polarized perceptions about things that I need to learn, because I realise and understand that by allowing myself to have those perceptions, I am limiting myself from effectively learning and I am compromising myself with ignorance about those things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that accountant's work is too complicated and hard for me to comprehend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to accountants for not knowing and understanding the work that they do so that a business may be fully operational within the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself inside a cycle of not wanting to learn new things about how my business is set up and works within the system, and make excuses such as "I just want to be a translator", instead of realising and understanding that by not knowing anything about how my business works within the system, I am severely limiting and compromising myself and putting myself up for failure and to be a victim to the mistakes of other people who are handling my business in terms of accounts and how it is set up in the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed by the amount of data that I have to read and learn about how my business works within the system, instead of realising and understanding that I must take things one by one, breath by breath, and not allow myself to become overwhelmed, because that is me as the mind wanting to abdicate my self-responsibility for learning and expanding myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define learning new things as overwhelming and impossible and a hassle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated if I do not understand something right away, instead of allowing myself to be patient with myself and collect all the necessary data in order for me to effectively learn something new.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to give up in the moment when I do not understand something, instead of realising and understanding that this is how I have ruined my life up until now, and by giving up understanding something, I am severely limiting and compromising myself within the system.

When and as I see myself experiencing resistance towards taking absolute self-responsibility within the business system as not wanting to learn something new or being frustrated because I do not immediately understand something, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment compromising myself and limiting myself and abdicating my full self-responsibility for being the directive principle of my business and my life, therefore I immediately release the cause of resistance with self-forgiveness and I direct myself towards becoming fully educated about how my business is set up within the system.

I commit myself to fully educating myself on and about how my business is set up within the system, about doing my accounts, expense sheets and learning about taxation, so that I may never become compromised and limited and a victim of the system because I didn't know something, because I realise and understand that in order to be fully directive in the system, I must know how the system operates.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel resistance towards learning how businesses operate within the system because I have defined/perceived businessmen to be greedy people who are abusers, and I didn't want to perceive/define myself as such. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate businessmen and define/perceive them as abusers who take advantage of other people and the system for their personal gain, instead of realising and understanding that I am with this perception putting myself in a superior position, thus I have used this perception as a definition of myself, my personality, to feed my mind as ego energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to businesspeople and their ability to take advantage of the system for their personal gain, and their knowledge of how to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish that I was one that had knowledge and information about how to take advantage of the system for personal gain and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel jealous and envious of businesspeople who have the knowledge, information and ability to be successful and rich within the system, not realising and understanding and being aware of the fact that those people also had to at some point learn about how to create and develop and direct their businesses in order to become successful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel reluctant to learn about how to build a strong business because of my fear of not being able to understand the knowledge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define economics as a subject that is boring and complicated and impossible to learn, instead of realising and understanding that I am with this perception limiting myself and giving myself permission to not even try to understand it.

When and as I see myself perceiving anything that has to be learned as difficult, boring, complicated, too much or too vast for me to learn, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment giving myself permission to limit myself, to not put in the work and time that is needed for me to understand the knowledge. Therefore I immediately release the trigger point and thought pattern of my limiting perception with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath towards learning what I need to learn in order to be effective, one thing at a time, breath by breath, until I have learned it effectively, and I do not allow myself to go into any kind of polarized perceptions about what I am learning in that moment.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all of my polarized perceptions and definitions about things that need to be learned/that I need to learn, because I realise and understand that nothing is impossible to learn, and for me to learn something, I must put in the necessary time and effort, and by having polarized perceptions/definitions about the knowledge, I am limiting myself as ego and compromising my ability to learn the knowledge.

Day 205: Stopping my judgments towards healthy living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and laugh at people, who consume organic foods and are interested in organic solutions and body cleanses and health tips and ayurveda and holistic medicine, instead of realising and understanding that by doing so, I have put myself in my mind onto a pedestal of 'knowing better', thus in a superior position to them, with which I generate energy for my mind to exist as ego. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now feel ashamed of myself for investigating the same things, after being concerned that my body has become toxic after years of consumption of polluted processed food, and I also forgive myself for being ashamed of making fun of these people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge/perceive/define people who are interested and are investigating healthy living as health freaks and hypochondriacs, instead of realising and understanding that I am using this perception as a way of making myself feel superior to them, and I am on the flipside of this construct feeling inferior to them as being someone who doesn't have the money to play along in this what I perceived to be a fad. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label/perceive/define looking for organic foods and caring about health as a fad, not realising and understanding that I have also created this perception in order to make myself feel superior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become irritated and feel superior, whenever someone talks about organic food and alternative medicine, not realising and understanding that I am doing so from my own limited standpoint of having been educated within the westerner medical/pharmaceutical system, in which I learned (and adopted this knowledge as an ego point to feel superior through knowledge) only about western research and experiments, which are kept in strict separation within different disciplines, and I accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that separate disciplines are a way to take on science, not realising and understanding that everything within the physical bodies of all beings and everything in nature is interconnected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive holistic medicine as a bunch of bullshit, not realising and understanding that I have picked this belief up from my father, and have taken on his negative view of it and made it part of my ego/personality, instead of investigating holistic medicine for myself and making my own conclusions about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive myself to be an expert on medical/health/pharmaceutical issues due to having been educated in those fields, and thus become irritated and angry, frustrated, resentful and spiteful, whenever that knowledge is challenged, by reacting with inferiority by taking it personally by feeling that I am not being respected as an individual who was educated in these things, thus I am reacting by lashing out with superiority and try to discredit the source of information and act like my source of information is the only valid one, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct of superiority and inferiority, within which I am only generating energy for my mind to exist as ego, and thus am limiting myself from learning new things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive myself to be an expert in dieting and healthy eating because I have read some books on it years ago, instead of realising and understanding that I have trapped myself into a very limited mind construct of considering only that data to be reliable, and shunning all other data as not reliable, not realising and understanding that I have allowed this to become an ego point with which I generate energy for my mind and am not taking into consideration any other type of research or even considering trying out new things for myself.

When and as I see myself in any way energetically reacting to topics about health, weight loss, diets, natural healing, organic foods, ayurveda, holistic methods, alternative medicine and anything that is related to the health of the physical body and nature, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I have allowed myself to become limited by knowledge that I took in throughout my life, and have started to shun any other knowledge that doesn't relate to and fall in with my own sources of knowledge, and that in the moment of reaction I am participating within my mind's polarity construct of inferiority and superiority around knowledge, with which I only fuel my ego with energy. Thus I stop myself, I breathe, I do not allow myself to act on the reaction, but I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself within the awareness that I do not know everything, that I have much to learn and that different things work differently for different people.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all my energetic reactions towards knowledge and information about the physical body and nature, about health and dieting and medicine and pharmacy, because I realise and understand that any kind of energetic reactions towards this knowledge means that I have created a personal relationship with it in my mind, with which I generate positive or negative energy within myself to keep my ego going, and am thus limiting myself and not allowing myself to expand by taking in new knowledge and information.

Day 204: Feeling neglected by my parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience unhappiness due to my mother and father drinking and fighting. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for giving me an unhappy childhood, not realising and understanding that I am myself within my own body generating the feeling of unhappiness and is therefore my own responsibility to deal with and remove. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for me being fat due to eating in order to make myself happier and forget, not realising and understanding that it was my own decision to eat and so try to make myself happier to compensate for the feeling of unhappiness.

When and as I see myself wanting to blame my parents, especially my mother, for having had a difficult and unhappy childhood, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment participating within my mind's victimization construct, where I will shift responsibility to how I feel, how I experience myself and how I came out in life, what I've created out of my life, onto my parents. Therefore I remove the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath not allowing myself to participate within the victimization construct, because I realize that I have created it in order to not have to take responsibility for my life and my choices.

I commit myself to removing my victimization construct from my mind, because I realise and understand that I have created it within myself in order to no to have to be held accountable for my actions, choices and decisions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for not helping me identify and develop my talents into skills, instead of realising and understanding that the responsibility for developing my skills lies wholly within myself, and blaming my parents is just an excuse with which I shift responsibility onto them because I myself was too lazy and didn't give myself direction to develop my talents into skills.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry and disappointed with my parents for never helping me properly develop my talents into skills, instead of realising and understanding that with these emotions I am giving myself permission to not develop my skills on my own and limit myself to not being skilled and justify it with the emotions I have towards my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents and my unhappy childhood for all the mistakes, bad decisions and bad choices that I made in my life, not realising and understanding that with this blame I am keeping myself in a bad place of bad choices and decisions, because I am abdicating my full self-responsibility and ability to change myself and my ways.

When and as I see myself wanting to blame my parents for not helping me develop my skills during childhood, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's limiting victimization construct by shifting responsibility for developing my skills onto my parents, and I am inhibiting myself from taking responsibility to develop my skills myself. Therefore I breathe, I do not allow myself to go into the victimization construct, I remove trigger points and thoughts with self-forgiveness and direct myself within the awareness that no one is to blame for anything that happened in my life, and that I am responsible for everything that I do or not do.

I commit myself to removing all points of blame towards my parents, because I realise and understand that by blaming my parents, I am justifying to myself the status quo, I am making up excuses and justifications for it, I am abdicating my absolute self-responsibility and I am inhibiting myself from directing myself towards where I would like to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry, sad, frustrated, resentful, neglected and disappointed, when I saw that my parents are not too interested in what is going on in my life, how I am doing in school, how I feel, what things I need, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label them as bad parents and blame them for everything bad that would be happening in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a construct of feeling neglected by my parents within my mind, within which I would blame them, especially my mother, for everything that went wrong in my life, not realising and understanding that by participating in this construct, I am abdicating my absolute self-responsibility for my life.

When and as I see myself wanting to bring up in my mind the emotion of being neglected by my parents/my mother, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment participating within abdicating my absolute self-responsibility by wanting to blame my parents for how I feel - I am participating within my victimization construct. Therefore I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to participate within my mind and so feed it energy, but I remain in breath and remove trigger points that I see come up with self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to stopping and removing my mind constructs around feeling neglected by my parents and other people, because I realise and understand that I am with those constructs only harming and limiting myself, and inhibiting myself from taking absolute self-responsibility and directing myself towards where I want to be.

Day 202: Releasing the desire for falling in love

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist and live within and as the desire for lovey-dovey feelings and emotions of 'falling in love'. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize and desire and want and need to have physical contact with a boy I find cute within this emotion/feeling of 'falling in love' and think/believe/perceive that I cannot live without this experience and that this experience is the meaning of human life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive the experience of falling in love and the hormonal bliss it brings as something that I should ultimately strive for in my life.

When and as I see myself fantasizing about having a hormonal lovey-dovey relationship, when I see myself fantasizing about the excitement and exhilaration and ecstasy of 'falling in love' and kissing and having sex with a new man, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within the desire for the addictive substances that my mind releases in my body whenever a new relationship like that occurs, and I also realise that this is a way of my mind countering perceived boredom and monotony, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern and I direct myself in breath.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all my desires for new relationships and all my desires for feeling the rush, excitement, exhilaration and ecstasy of 'falling in love', because I realise and understand that this is an addictive pattern of my mind as ego, where I look for a higher experience of myself to feel good, superior, nice, lovey-dovey, because I have not accepted experiencing myself as enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive the everyday living experience of myself as 'not enough', as not fun enough, and therefore look for a heightened experience of myself as myself falling in love and experiencing the lovey-dovey hormonal experience of excitement, exhilaration and ecstasy with another in order to feel better than by myself in my everyday experience of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself by defining /perceiving my everyday experience of myself as not enough and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself by looking for/seeking a higher/heightened experience of myself as the hormonal exciting exhilarating ecstasy-like experience of falling in love with another human being and having a romantic/sexual relationship with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive having a romantic/sexual relationship with another human being as 'more than' my everyday life experience of myself, not realising and understanding that this is how I separate myself from myself by looking for a higher experience of myself within a romantic/sexual relationship with another.

Day 201: Reacting to being asked for help

A woman, our neighbour, came knocking on our door the other night. It was after 10 pm, and when I opened the door, she asked for help from the boys in our apartment to help her carry furniture from her car to her place in the second floor. She was accompanied by another woman, who waited next to the car. I was very much annoyed by this. I thought it was highly irregular and inappropriate to simply ask for something that people otherwise pay money for. After she saw the annoyed look on my face, she offered to give the boys money for beer afterwards. I said that I would ask, and in that thought that it is the boy's responsibility to either help or refuse to help. Within this I see that I was feeling responsible for something that wasn't my responsibility, for how the boys will answer. I was afraid that they might also react with laziness and would only reluctantly help in order to not be seen as unhelpful and impolite, which is my own projection of myself onto them.
I called the boys together and they helped, but I myself went into justification of my annoyance. "If they hadn't come so late, if they had come beforehand and asked for assistance, not just like this in the given moment... - I wouldn't have been so annoyed." As I was doing that, I was also aware that had I been in their place, I'd have wanted assistance as well. And when my friend told me that the other woman was pregnant, I felt ashamed that I was so unaware in that moment of annoyance and frustration that I completely missed that. I also went into blame. "How dare they simply assume that we will be there at their service whenever they damn well please, they probably think that they can take advantage of students, that they won't say no to a pregnant woman."

Truth is that they were in a situation where they needed help, and due to my reactions I was completely unable to put myself in their shoes, and even went into justification why I cannot. I realised that night how much money interferes with us, human beings, being unable to assist and support each other without expecting anything in return, how money makes true kindness and compassion impossible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel obliged to help, whenever I am asked for help, and to react with fear that I will not be liked if I refuse to help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that it is impolite to refuse to help someone, when they are asking for help, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive people who do not want to help others/me as impolite and rude.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with annoyance, frustration, resentment and anger, whenever I am asked to help with something without the possibility of getting anything in return.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I should always get something in return whenever I do something for other people, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always feel indebted to someone who did me a favour or helped me with something, no matter how small that something is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within myself connect and equate doing something for other people, where I spend my time and effort to do so, with money, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect money or a favour in return, whenever I do something for other people where I spend my time and effort to do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insulted, whenever someone is asking me to do something for them without offering anything in return.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into spitefulness towards people who ask me for favours without promising something in return and allow myself to participate within backchat of "how dare they think that I am here at their disposal".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and equate my time and effort that I put into something with money, and want/need/desire to get money for things that I do for other people, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insulted when I am asked to do something that would take up my time and effort without being promised money or favours in return.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate and connect my time spent on doing something for other people to money, and think/believe/perceive that whenever I do something for other people, I am owed either money or their time as favours they should do for me in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uneasy and uncomfortable, whenever I am asked by other people to do favours for them, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unable to say no to them without feeling like an impolite and inconsiderate person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that it is impolite to refuse to help someone, when they ask for help, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I should always be helped, whenever I ask for help, and to define/perceive someone who doesn't want to help me as inconsiderate and rude, and then blame them and judge them for apparently making me feel bad, instead of realising and understanding that with this I am abdicating my self-responsibility for the way I feel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad, whenever I refuse to help someone, and go into fear that they might not like me for it. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be ready to help someone just for the sake of being liked by them, not realising and understanding that in this way I am opening the doors to being abused/taken advantage of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of people, whom have helped me in the past by relying on them that they will always be there to help me again, instead of realising and understanding that with this I am abdicating my self-responsibility to take care of whatever I can take care of alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into resentment towards other people asking me for help in order to justify my own feelings of not wanting to help them because I am feeling lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into laziness, whenever I am asked by others for help, instead of putting myself in their shoes and assessing whether they really need my help and then helping them accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into justification as to why I shouldn't and will not help someone who asks me for help, instead of realising and understanding that had I been in their shoes, I might have wanted help as well.

When and as I see myself reacting energetically to someone asking me for help without promising something in return (with annoyance, resentment, being insulted and feel like I'm being exploited, anger, frustration), I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment now allowing myself to assess whether it is common sense to help this person and helping accordingly, and I also realise and understand that by expecting something offered in return, I am playing into my mind's and this world's money construct, where I will only be satisfied and 'happy to' spend my time and effort if I get promised or given something in return, thus I am not seeing myself in the being that is asking for help and am separating myself from them, myself and all that is here by participating within this mind construct. Therefore I bring myself back Here with breathing, I assess the situation with common sense, help accordingly and commit to write out and remove with self-forgiveness any kind of energetic reactions that might have come up within me.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all of my energetic reactions towards being asked for help by other people, because I realise and understand that those reactions are a consequence of my mind's patterns and this world's patterns about money and debt, money representing the time and effort put in to do something, and by participating in those patterns I am in my mind separating myself from myself and all that is here and am unable to see myself in another.

198: The Fear and Pride in Perfectionism

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit my work in a less than what I perceive to be perfect form due to fear that if I do not submit my work in a perfect form, that someone will find a mistake in my translation and have me fired for it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become obsessed with submitting perfect translations to the point of not allowing myself to have any free time for myself in the day, but spend almost all of my time on work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that a viewer might notice a mistake in my translation and write to my superiors and have me fired for it, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of losing my livelihood, my financial self-support in case I got fired, instead of realising and understanding that I am through this fear abdicating my absolute self-responsibility to keep myself financially stable and fluent to support myself within the system with any kind of job I can get.
When and as I see myself becoming overly worried and perfectionistic about my work, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am being overly perfectionistic because I'm afraid to make a mistake and I am fearing the possibility of being fired due to a mistake or mistakes, thus I am afraid of losing my source of income. I also realise and understand and trust myself that I can provide for myself another source of income in case I lose my job, and I realise and understand that I fear losing this job because I perceive it as glamorous and respected, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern of the perfectionism with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath and do not allow myself to be overly perfectionistic to the point of wasting my own time with unimportant details.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive my job as a translator to be a respected and glamorous job, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct, where I will make myself feel superior to other people for being a translator and am causing separation within myself and my world by defining/perceiving some jobs to be better/more than and others as worse/less than.
I commit myself to stopping and removing my wasteful and time-consuming perfectionism, because I realise and understand that otherwise I will be limiting myself only to my job and being good at work and I will not be allowing myself to expand in other areas of my life.
I commit myself to allowing myself to not worry and be perfectionistic about my job, so that I may expand myself in and explore and enjoy self-expression in other areas of my life that I am currently neglecting/ignoring due to being overly perfectionistic about my job.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overly perfectionistic about my work to the extent of compromising my time, my life, my self-expression in physical movement, my process, in order to do a perfect job so that I may get feedback from others, especially my former boss, that I am doing a good job, so that I could feel proud of myself and the work that I have done, instead of realising and understanding that with this kind of behaviour and thinking I am limiting myself into a mind polarity construct, where I will feel pride as superiority to others/my peers for having done a good job, and on the flip side I will fear making a mistake and consequentially feel shame for not having done a good job, not realising and understanding that I am simply generating energy with these thoughts for my mind to survive as ego.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pride as superiority over others, whenever I perceive that I have done a good job with my work, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overly perfectionistic about my job and the work that I do in order to be able to feel that pride as superiority over others, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be perceived as a good translator so that I could be proud of that aspect of myself.
When and as I see myself being overly perfectionistic about my job and the work that I do, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct, where I will feel pride for doing a good job, and on the flip side I will feel fear of not doing a good job and therefore feeling shame, thus I am generating energy for my mind to survive as ego. Therefore I release the trigger point and though pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards doing the necessary adequate work, and I do not allow myself to go into desire to be proud of my work, as I realise and understand that with that I am only supporting my ego and am not being productive at all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become overly perfectionistic about my job and the work that I do due to fear of being scolded by my superiors for not doing a good job and due to fear of being fired by my superiors for not doing a good job. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to work from a starting point of fear due to allowing the memory of my boss yelling at me for making mistakes to linger around in me and generate the need for perfectionism so that I would avoid being yelled at if I make a mistake.

Day 197: Wastefulness and Recycling

When I was around 16, I got introduced to the idea of throwing away old clothes, bed sheets, kitchenware, things that we weren't using anymore (but were still perfectly useful). This was a new concept for me, because before that, when I lived in Montenegro with my parents and my father's parents, we simply did not do that, ever. We didn't throw anything away, unless it was broken beyond repair. That must have been a consequence of living in a post-world war socialist state, where capitalism and planned and perceived obsolescence were not introduced yet. Cars didn't just break down. In fact, I don't remember my parents ever taking the car to the mechanic.
Then we moved to Slovenia, a state that was more used to capitalism due to being closer to Western Europe, and I started being introduced to brands and validating oneself with having stuff from different brands. This transition from one state to another was hard on my family financially, therefore we had a constant influx of money and stuff from my rich aunt. We lived in a small apartment, and the stuff started piling up. So then one day my mother told me that this aunt told her to simply get rid of everything we weren't using. I liked the idea because of the space shortage and I perceived it would be easier to manage a home with less stuff in it. So for a while I was infatuated with throwing stuff away, perceived it as practical and felt good about myself for doing it. The aunt said not to let nostalgia get in the way, so I adopted that kind of thinking and felt good about it. This is how I started integrating perceived obsolescence within myself - by throwing away stuff that was still perfectly functional. Clothes I didn't exactly throw away, I always tried to donate them, but I was getting rid of them, because new (and quite unnecessary from a physical standpoint) stuff kept coming in.
On the other hand, I was very concerned with the massive amounts of trash that humanity produces, so when the idea of recycling was introduced in my city, when they installed separate trash bins, I latched on immediately and started recycling my (our family's) trash and believing that "hey, I cannot change the world, but I can do my small part and behave decently in order to diminish/not contribute to the harm that others are doing by throwing everything into the same bin or even on the streets". I was then very worried to hear about recycling not being effective at all, except for paper, glass and metal, due to costing more energy (and thus money) to recycle the material (mostly packaging) then to produce new one from raw resources. My illusion of me having a positive influence on the environment was crumbling fast, but I still recycle in order to feel like I'm doing something good in my endless consumerist trash producing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I was a teenager, adopt the kind of thinking that I have to throw away everything that I am not using in order to make space for the new stuff that would be coming in, that I would be buying/getting due to fashion/trends, instead of realising and understanding that with this kind of thinking I was accepting and allowing within myself the construct of perceived obsolescence, through which I was then wasting things/resources that were still perfectly usable, not realising and understanding that I am contributing to the rapid wasting of earth's resources, which I was otherwise quite unhappy and worried about, but didn't realise and understand how I myself am contributing to it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that clothes, shoes, furniture, cars, kitchenware, toys and appliances have to be periodically thrown away due to not being fashionable anymore, due to not looking good or adequate for 'our time' anymore, not realising and understanding that with this perception I was allowing within myself the wasteful mentality that is on a global scale raping the earth for resources and is incredibly harmful to the environment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conform to the way of thinking of my peers, where I would perceive certain fashion products to be important to have in order to validate myself as good enough to be accepted in the company of my peers, such as shoes and clothes of certain brands, not realising and understanding that the result of this kind of thinking, where I would constantly want to have and buy new fashionable products, would result in massive amounts of things piling up in my home, where I would eventually have to throw away things that are perfectly useful just in order to make space for the new 'fashionable' things that I would be buying/getting.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throw away things just because they do not look fashionable anymore without any consideration of their usefulness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad for having wasted things in the past by throwing them away even though they were still useful, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for it, be angry at myself for having been so shortsighted, instead of realising and understanding that I cannot change the past and fix it through feeling bad, I can only direct myself in the current moment and commit to not waste anything of use anymore from this point on.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am a good person for recycling trash, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that it is enough of a contribution to improve the state of the world, and feel good about myself within the perception that I have done something good despite knowing that most of the material gathered for recycling will not be recycled due to high energy/money costs, thus I have essentially used recycling as a personality construct in which I would make myself superior to others who don't recycle.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior, more than, good, for being a person that recycles, instead of realising and understanding that with this perception I am comparing and competing with other people in terms of being good or bad, not realising and understanding that I have caught myself into a polarity construct of my mind and am therefore ignoring reality such as it is by thinking that I am good and that I did a good deed because I recycled, and within that I would completely ignore the knowledge I have about recycling being less effective than the public/me have lead ourselves to believe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be seen as a good person by other people AND myself because I recycle and take care of the earth, instead of realising and understanding that I am using recycling in order to try and validate myself through manipulating the opinions of others and myself about me into a positive direction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be worried and concerned about the massive amounts of trash that humans, especially us in the so-called first world are producing, instead of realising and understanding that with this concern I am yet again trying to build/manipulate myself and others into thinking that I am a good person, and am thinking that this feeling of concern is enough and that then I do not have to move myself practically to have an actual substantial physical effect of diminishing the trash that humans produce.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel helpless to do anything about the amount of trash that humanity produces, and think/believe/perceive that I can only powerlessly watch how this planet is being destroyed by trash, instead of realising and understanding that I am limiting myself with these thoughts from actually doing something substantial about it like educating myself about trash and all the dimensions involved and learning how to effectively diminish the impact that trash has on our planet and then share that knowledge with others.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that my concern and feeling of powerlessness in relation to trash on this planet is only an outflow of laziness and my unwillingness to move myself and find ways to be effective in the diminishing of trash.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that as long as I recycle, that I am good, not realising and understanding that I am simply following some accepted belief imposed on society that recycling is good, and am therefore only automatically reacting to the problem of trash and am following some bogus solution that others have come up with, thus I am not being self-directive about solutions to actually diminish the trash around us and its impact on our world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be horrified by the massive amount of trash that is polluting our oceans, and then define/perceive humanity as horrible beings that don't give a shit about their environment, without actually realising and understanding that I am having just as much of an effect and contribution to the trash in our oceans and everywhere else as other human beings, thus I am essentially being horrified at myself, but am not seeing that in my separation from other human beings, which I manifest by making myself superior to them in my perception that I am ok because I recycle.
When and as I see myself becoming horrified by the massive amounts of trash on earth, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment separating myself from myself, humanity and all that is here with the perception that I am not a part of humanity that does the polluting, thus I am participating within my mind's polarity construct, where I make myself superior to humanity because I perceive that I would never have allowed something like that if I were in charge, not realising and understanding that no one is really in charge and we are all allowing this collectively. Therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern behind being horrified and I direct myself in breath towards finding practical solutions of diminishing and clearing the trash.
I commit myself to stopping and removing all of my participation through my mind in the feelings of horror and limitation in relation to trash on earth, because I realise and understand that when I clear myself of energetic reactions towards the subject, I can effectively move myself and direct myself in clarity towards finding solutions that would contribute to the diminishing and clearing of trash on our planet.
blaming producers for packaging stupidly
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project blame, anger, frustration and resentment towards producers of goods that spend a lot of material on packaging, instead of realising and understanding that I am with this again making myself feel superior to them, and am not having any real substantial effect on or solution for diminishing the amount of trash that is being produced by way of packaging.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define plastic shell packaging that most small electronic devices and accessories come in as wasteful and unnecessary, and have a negative emotional reaction towards it such as anger at the company that makes the product and decides to package it this way, instead of investigating the reason for this, which is probably the company wanting the consumer to think that the product has not been tampered with in any way before purchase.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply accept and allow a world where we do not trust each other to not screw each other over in terms of not tampering with a product before purchase, thus making the need for plastic shell packaging a necessity that wastes a lot of earth's resources and is harming it by polluting it after the product has been purchased, instead of realising and understanding that by accepting this behaviour as a fact of life, I am contributing to earth's slow demise and am personally responsible for it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply accept and allow a world where trust between human beings is almost non-existent, and when it does exist, it exists based on money and the power and safety that money represents in this world, not realising and understanding that trust as self-expression not based in money/safety/power is established as self-trust to always do what is best for all, and that I accepted the lack of trust because I was lacking the self-trust to always do what is best for all within the realisation that I am not separate from anything that is here, but am co-existing as an equal part of this physical reality and am therefore responsible for it in its entirety.