Tuesday, 25 September 2012

Day 37: Wanting to let others know when I'm in a relationship


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel proud of myself, whenever a man wants to kiss me in public and show his affection to me, which means that he is not ashamed of me but proud to be with me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my partner must be ashamed of me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my partner is ashamed of me because of me being overweight
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for my partner to be proud of me and be proud of being with me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that my partner is ashamed of me and of being with me because I am overweight
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself because I think/believe/perceive that my partner must be ashamed of me and cannot be proud of me because I am overweight
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my partner cannot possibly like my body and me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with my parnter, because IIII believe that he cannot like me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my partner whenever he says that he likes me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for my partner to kiss me in public and hold my hand in public, so that other people would see that we are a couple
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for other people to know that I am in a relationship, whenever I am in one
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior to the rest of the world and exhilarated, whenever I am in a fresh relationship
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to the rest of the world, whenever I am not in a romantic relationship
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be in  a romantic relationship, where the man will be all nice to me and gentle and hug me and kiss me and appreciate me, instead of realising that I can give all those things to myself
When and as I see myself wanting to be in a romantic relationship, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that romantic relationships are a preprogrammed design, made to keep me forever occupied with finding that 'one person' who will 'make me complete', so that I wouldn't realise that I already am complete.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see/perceive myself as incomplete, when I am not involved in a romantic relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I must be involved in a romantic relationship in order to be seen/perceived as 'normal' in this world, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I'm not normal, when I am not involved in a romantic relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a negative connotation to the word 'relationship'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word relationship by defining relationships as hard, when I am in fact jealous of people who can get whomever they want because they 'look good'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that people who I define as good-looking have no problems getting a partner that they want, and witihn this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous of people whom I perceive have no problems getting a partner that they want

Saturday, 22 September 2012

Day 36: I, Monster


The pattern of fighting with my partner: I want to be in control, I want to dictate what he does, and If he doesn't do it, I will bite his head off, I will destroy him into nothingness. I threaten and yell and hit around, and I threaten with knives. I threaten to kill him and myself, because I don't care what happens to me or this existence. It can all go to hell, as far as I am concerned, as long as I am considered as 'right', even if my claim is absolutely ridiculous and stupid.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by my desire to be in control and overpower my partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to excert and ensure my power over my partner by making him do things for me that I want him to do, and if he does them, then I have power over him, and if he doesn't, then I don't have power over him and I feel diminished and inferior, at which point I move into emotional manipulation again with feeling sorry for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to emotionally manipulate my partner with feeling sorry for myself, in order to sneakily get what I want anyway, because I didn't succeed in getting it by force.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I have the right to force my partner into decisions with yelling, screaming and threatening him.
I'm blaming my mother for this
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother for me being a violent person, because she was a violent wife towards my father, instead of realising that I have accepted and allowed every program to exist within me, and I became what I hated about my mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my mother for being a violent person towards my father and for diminishing his worth as a man.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define my father as a poor thing and unable to do anything about my crazy mother, and within that see him as inferior to her and powerless against her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my mother that all men are bad and that I should hate them all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly and openly hate all men and want to overpower and win over them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as hatred towards men that stems from my hatred towards my father and my perception that he never accepted me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my father never accepted me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the desire to be accepted by my father as an equal being.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior and less than, because I perceived that my father never accepted me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/Perceive that all men are like my father, and that I have to have the same masculine communication with all men, instead of realising that all men are different and I have ruined most (or all) of my relationships because I have judged all men to be the same as my father
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my childhood innocence perceive and define all men as my dad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see all men as my dad and equate all other men that I have seen with and as my dad
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become violent and want to physically beat men, when they do not agree with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take revenge on all men for what I perceived my father did to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that it is ok to want to take revenge on all men for what one man has 'done to me'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to destroy all men and 'break their spirit', because I feel inadequate and inferior towards them because of my relationship with my father.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that fighting is normal in a relationship.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to accept violence in relationships as something normal in life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that if I don't become violent towards my partner, I will be overpowered by him like I was always overpowered by my father.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as overpowered by my father within our communication.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jump at my partner and want to overpower him physically, whenever we do not agree on something.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that it is wrong for a man to hit a woman, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exploit this societal belief and attack my partners physically, because 'they won't hit me back anyway, they can't'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed and embarrassed of attacing my partners physically.
I realise and understand that it is unacceptable to physically attack another being, because I would not want to be physically attacked myself.
When and as I see myself becoming violent and agressive, I stop and I breathe. I do not allow myself to play my agression out, instead I release the trigger point with self forgiveness and I direct myself in breath.
When and as I see myself wanting to fight with my partner and blame my partner for anything, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that blaming other people is me not wanting to take absolute self responsibility, therefore I release the point of blame with self forgiveness and I direct myself in breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to threaten my partner that I will kill him.
My father used to throw that word aroud like it was a toy. "I will kill you, I will destroy you, I will make you piss blood, I will anihilate you."
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to threaten other people that I will kill them, if they do not conform to my wishes.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that it is normal and ok to threaten other people with killing them, instead of realising that this is a pattern that emerges from my childhood, when my friends used to say that all the time, and is in no way acceptable
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to and scared of my friends, when they were threatening to kill me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to threaten people that I will kill them, so that they would feel inferior and scared of me, instead of realising that I would not want other people to do this to myself, therefore it is unacceptable to threaten people to kill them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become full of rage, whenever people/my partner do not agree with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as rage, whenever I cannot come to a point of agreement with someone.
When and as I see rage coming up within me, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that rage is simply a program that makes me unable to communicate effectively with others, therefore I release it with self forgiveness and direct myself in breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to threaten my partner that I will stab him with a knife, if he doesn't comply with what I want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be prepared to physically fight my partner for real, instead of realising that this pattern comes from me feeling inferior to my friends, when they were hitting me, and I wanted to inflict this on someone else as well, who is considered 'wrong', therefore I would always see my partner as 'being wrong', so that I could inflict on him what was inflicted on me so many years ago.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior and scared of my friends, because they were hitting me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my friends for hitting me, instead of realising that they were programmed by hostile families as well.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the desire for revenge towards my friends for hitting me, which later transformed into the desire for revenge towards my partner, because I perceived him as 'a friend', and I believed that friends hit each other.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive friendship as something dangerous, because friends will want to hit me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that it is normal for friends to hit each other.
I had a friend who didn't come from a violent family, and she never wanted to hit me. When I said to her that I will hit her, because I thought that she would not retaliate, I was utterly scared and surprised when she said that she would hit me back, therefore I never tried to hit her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pray on people whom I perceived as weaker than me to hit them and get back at them for what was done to me by completely different people.
I perceived the outer world as a unit, and myself as another unit, therefore whatever came from the world - I would give back into the world, but within this I always made other people (especially my partners) pay for what was done onto me by my parents and friends.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my violence out on my partners, instead of realising that I am angry at my friends and parents.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for not standing up for myself to my parents and my friends, when they were being violent towards me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner for not taking me into consideration when he made his choices, instead of realising that I am being jealous because I perceive that he has taken care of only his ass and went somewhere, where he will have fun without any care about what is going to happen to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become angry with my partner and blame him, whenever I perceive that he is not taking me into consideration.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel alone in this world without a partner, instead of realising that I want a partner so that I would not have to face myself in absolute self responsibility.
When and as I see myself longing for a partner, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that wanting a partner and longing for a partner is an abdication of absolute self responsibility, therefore I release the point with self forgiveness and direct myself in breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my partner has forsaken me in order to have fun himself, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to my partner, because I perceive that he has only taken care of his own ass and not considered me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge/define/perceive my partner as selfish, whenever I perceive that he doesn't take me into consideration.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my partner should always take me into consideration and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to my partner, whenever I perceive that he doesn't take me into consideration.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and violent, whenever I perceive that people are not taking me into consideration.
When and as I see myself wanting people/my partner to take me into consideration, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that wanting to be considered is a mechanism of inferiority and superiority, therefore I release the point of want with self forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

Friday, 21 September 2012

Day 35: Where will I live?

I have a fear and it revolves around not having a home and not knowing where I will be living in the future. I am all alone, and since I am not buying into the whole 'love' deal, I am not eligible to partner up with someone and lie to them for an unspecified amount of time (until they get it themselves) just to be able to live somewhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be worried about and afraid of not having anywhere to live in the future, instead of allowing myself to walk breath by breath within and as the physical and identify and see what routes are accessible and available for me to take.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful and jealous of people whom I perceive to be 'safe' in terms of having their own home, instead of realising that I am limiting myself with jealousy and spitefulness and disabling myself to do something about it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge/define/perceive people who I perceive are not willing to share what I perceive as their 'good fortune' with me as selfish and not understanding.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I can only have safety of 'my own home' if I have a partner to build that home with me, instead of realising that I am the sole creator of my experience and therefore only I am responsible for it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have a partner so that we could have a home together, instead of realising that I am playing into a belief system and following a preprogrammed path of partnership within capitalism, where one needs a partner in order to survive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that one needs a partner in this world in order to survive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate and define having a partner with having a home and consequential safety.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate and define having one's own home with safety and security within this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind make my partner responsible for my living arrangements, instead of realising how I am abdicating my self-responsibility in doing so.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like no one cares for me because no one cares where I live, instead of realising that I am giving into a mechanism of self-pity and breathing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pity myself for not having my own home, instead of taking it breath by breath within and as the physical and see what I can do about my situation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself for not having my own home, instead of realising that feeling sorry for myself is actually disabling me from acting and investigating what I can do for myself.
Feeling sorry - giving into the situation and abdicating my self-responsibility for my own survival and living.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that feeling sorry for myself means that I am giving up in a given situation, and am making others responsible for my own survival and living, and that is not acceptable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to the mechanism of "feeling sorry for myself", instead of realising that I am putting myself up for failure within it by abdicating my absolute self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my absolute self-responsibility by feeling sorry for myself in a given situation.
When and as I see myself starting to feel sorry for myself, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that feeling sorry for myself means that I am abdicating my absolute self-responsibility, therefore I release the trigger points with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.
I commit myself to stop feeling sorry for myself and expose it within myself as the abdication of self-responsibility that it is.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive home as a place where I am safe from the outside world, instead of realising that I am separating myself from the world by fearing it and wanting to be safe inside a home.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the world within my fear of not being safe in the world and not having my own home.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define the world as something separate from me and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the world as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that the world is out to get me, and I have to protect myself inside a home that I defined as separate from the world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attack my partner within my fear of not being able to survive alone in this world with blame when/as I see/perceive that he doesn't want to help me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I cannot survive alone without a partner in this world, instead of realising that I am limiting myself within this belief and abdicating my absolute self-responsibility and ability to take care of myself and find solutions for myself. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as unable to survive alone without a partner in this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear surviving alone without a partner in this world, instead of realising that I am limiting and disabling myself to act within this fear.
Family
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define myself as 'all alone in this world', because I perceive that my family has forsaken me, instead of realising that I am defining myself with not having a family and longing for protection within such a group.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be able to define myself with a family and wish to have a family that I could run to, instead of realising that I am wanting to run away from having to face myself in absolute self-responsibility by wanting to have a family.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my family has forsaken me, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself within that perception, instead of realising that I am abdicating my absolute self-responsibility by doing so.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as forsaken by my family in order to be able to feel sorry for myself and not have to take absolute self-responsibility. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad, inferior and disappointed because I perceived that my family has forsaken me, instead of realising that I was feeling disappointed because I couldn't get them to take care of me as I wanted to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my family should always take care of me, instead of realising that money is the glue that binds families together, and as soon as moneyruns out, the family is destroyed and it is every man for himself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel spiteful towards the construct of family within this world and feel jealous of those that have families, because I perceive that they have an easier survival within this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that family is a construct that makes it easier for individuals to survive in this world, instead of realising how it is keeping up the separation, wars, famine and violence within this world by favouring some people over others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a positive connotation to the word 'family'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word family within my fear of not having a family and not being safe within this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold a grudge against my family, because I perceived that they had forsaken me, instead of realising that I am angry because I want to abdicate my absolute self-responsibility and make my family responsible for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have a family because I perceive that it is easier to survive within this world when one has a family.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word family within my belief that it is easier to survive in this world when one has a family.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word family within my belief that it offers protection and my desire to have the protection of a family so that I wouldn't have to be absolutely responsible for myself. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel forsaken by my family, instead of realising that I am generating this emotion within my wish to abdicate my absolute self-responsibility, so I wouldn't have to take care of myself by myself in this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel all alone and vulnerable within my inability to manipulate people to my whims, instead of realising how this feeling of aloneness and feeling sorry for myself is me trying to manipulate myself into a victim position, where I am not responsible for my thoughts and consequential actions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself with the feeling of aloneness, instead of realising that I am hiding within this excuse from myself and from having to take absolute self-responsibility, because I realise and understand that I am physically fine, and all troubles that I am having - I have created for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of taking full responsibility for my thoughts and consequential actions, instead of realising that I can only trust myself within absolute self-responsibility.
When and as I see myself wanting to blame another for my own thoughts and actions, I stop and I breathe. I do not allow myself to blame, instead I release my thoughts with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.
When and as I see myself going into self-pity over not having a home or a family, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that 'home' and 'family' are definitions of the mind, they have nothing to do with me physically breathing here. Therefore I release the trigger point of self-pity with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.
When and as I see myself wanting to blame other people and call them selfish for not wanting to share their 'good fortune', I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that blame is a mind mechanism that keeps me from taking absolute self-responsibility, therefore I release the trigger points with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.
I realise and understand that blame is a mechanism that keeps me from taking absolute self-responsibility and responsibility for my world, therefore I commit myself to stop all blame within myself and my world.
When and as I see myself wanting to blame my partner for my own situation, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am absolutely self-responsible, therefore any kind of blame is me abdicating that absolute self-responsibility. I release the trigger points for blame with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath.
I commit myself to stop blaming my partner for my own situation.
I commit myself to stop blaming other people, my family, my friends and my colleagues for my own situation, and I commit myself to stop comparing my situation to that of other people so that I could blame them and label them as selfish and within that feel sorry for myself - because I realise and understand that blaming and feeling sorry for myself is an abdication of my absolute self-responsibility.
I commit myself to through writing and self-forgiveness expose and remove all blame from within myself and my world and take absolute self-responsibility for myself, my thoughts and consequential actions.

Tuesday, 11 September 2012

Day 34: Looking for "something better"

I've been realising lately how all of my existence was centered around 'looking for something better', especially considering partners. Previously in my life, when the excitement of hormones and the 'newness' of my relationship cooled down, I started looking for 'something better' and 'something new and more exciting'. While doing all this, I kept my partner close and emotionally dependent on me, just in case 'something better' didn't come my way. But it did. It was new, fresh and better in terms of my interests and social references. I had a short, wild fling, and I didn't tell my partner about it, until I would be absolutely sure that I could have a more substantial relationship with this guy, but that didn't happen, because he was also looking for something better, and he found it. But she was also looking for something better, and she found it. And so on, I am sure. I knew fully well what was going to happen, I could see it happening, but I kept myself deluded with hope that something might change, and my fears wouldn't manifest, lol. Back then I did not know about the mathematical certainty of the future being the same as the past, although I did notice that my life experience keeps repeating itself as a certain pattern. I did, however, to some extent realise the futility of hoping, therefore I still kept my partner close and around as a 'reserve', and simply lied to him that nothing is going on in my life except what I "honestly tell him". He kept coming back, which gave me reassurance that he will always be there in case I don't get something better, and I kept looking for something more, until he eventually decided to move on with his life and stop hoping for me to change back to what I was for him while being with him.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grow bored with my partner and succumb to my energetic need for 'new' and 'more exciting and validating partners'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look and seek out men for potential partners, with which I could validate myself and prove myself to my friends.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have a partner who will make me look cool in front of my friends.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have a partner who is perceived by others as attractive in order to validate myself with jealous sighs from my female friends.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to my partner and not be honest with him in terms of what is going on in my life, so that I would my survival within the system by keeping him close, just in case I don't get anything 'better'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed and ashamed of having manipulated men emotionally in order for me to assure my own survival within the system, and to not have to take absolute self-responsibility.
When and as I see myself wanting to go into fear of survival and therefore want to manipulate a man emotionally, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is my fear of 'survival in the future' playing itself out in my mind, therefore I do not allow myself to play it out, instead I release the trigger point of this relationship construct and direct myself in breath.
I commit myself to stop all emotional manipulation of men in order to ensure my own survival (as ego), and expose how it is all connected to money within myself and my world.
To be continued.

Thursday, 6 September 2012

Day 33: The desire for exposing people


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to expose people, whom I perceive have hurt me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful and vengeful towards people, whom I perceive have hurt me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I have the right to expose people when/as I see/perceive them hurting me, instead of realising that I am generating my own feelings of hurt and want to blame another/others for it, with which I am abdicating my absolute self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that other people can hurt me, instead of realising that only I can allow myself to be hurt.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the perception that others have hurt me is coming from my mind, which is trying to abdicate my full self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to make others 'think bad' about people whom I perceived have hurt me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as 'feeling hurt', whenever I see/perceive people not acknowledging me as an equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as 'feeling hurt', whenever I see/perceive people disregarding me as an equal.
When and as I see myself becoming 'hurt', I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that this is an emotion that I am generating myself within myself, therefore I release the trigger points with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.
I commit myself to stop feeling hurt and blaming others for making me feel this way, as I realise and understand that I am solely responsible for the way that I am experiencing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame/judge people, when/as I see/perceive them disregarding me/not acknowledging me as an equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, annoyed, scared, resentful and vengeful, when/as I see/perceive people disregarding me as an equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for other people to acknowledge me as an equal, instead of realising and understanding that only when I treat others as equals will I be acknowledged as an equal too.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally and feel less than and inferior, when/as I see/perceive people not acknowledging me as an equal.
When/as I see/perceive others not acknowledging me as an equal, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that it is me who is making me feel unequal, therefore I release the point of inequality with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for my partner to regard me as an equal, instead of realising that I have to regard him as an equal first, in order to get acknowledged as an equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to gossip and talk shit about other people in order to impress my partner and make him like me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about other people and look for their mistakes, so I could point them out to my partner and within that make myself superior and more than, so that he would like me more.
When and as I see myself thinking/talking about other people, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am thinking and talking about others so that I would not have to face myself and my own shit, therefore I immediately bring the point back to self, apply self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.
I commit myself to stop focusing on others and focus only on myself and my own process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior and less than, when/as I see/perceive my partner/other people not wanting to talk to me and interact with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anger, blame, judgement, resentment and vengefulness, when/as I see/perceive my partner/others not wanting to talk to me and interact with me, instead of simply remaining here in breath and not allowing myself to go into inferiority.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior and afraid of 'loosing communication', when/as I see/perceive my partner/other people not wanting to talk to me and interact with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of not being able to effectively communicate with my partner/other people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to validate myself and make myself superior within communication with my partner/other people, instead of realising that I am creating friction and resistance within doing so, this defeating my purpose of equalising myself.
When and as I notice myself wanting to make myself superior and more than within communication with my partner/other people, I stop and I breathe. I do not allow myself to go into superiority, as I realise and understand that this is my inferiority complex due to being fat manifesting itself in the opposite polarity, therefore I release the trigger points with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.
I commit myself to stop all inferiority, fear and superiority within myself when communicating with other people, as I realise and understand that they only create friction and resistance within communication, which disables me to share myself and communicate myself effectively.

Tuesday, 4 September 2012

Day 32: Self-forgiveness on being responsible for my creations - part 2


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk to other people about my process from the starting point of wanting to persuade them that doing process is awesome, so that I would have 'company' and 'someone to talk to about it', instead of realising how I am trying to make myself superior and more than within doing so.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for people to praise me because of the progress that I have made with process, instead of realising that I do not need anyone's confirmation on my progress but my own.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to brag about how I have regained control over my body, instead of realising that I am trying to make myself superior and more than other people within that.
When and as I see myself wanting to brag to others, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that this is stemming from wanting to prove myself as superior, because I feel inferior, therefore I investigate the point, release it with self forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to 'get throutgh to people' and make them do process, instead of realising that this is yet again a point of superiority to ballance out inferiority, therefore when and as I see myself wanting to persuade others to do process, I stop, breathe and release the point with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with dismay and hopelesness, when/as I see/perceive others not wanting to apply themselves, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the thought »I cannot do this myself, alone, I need other people to do it too, because we need to implement the EMS«
When and as I see myself feeling alone and lonely in terms of not having anyone to talk to about implementing the EMS, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that we are in no way near any kind of practical action in terms of implementing the EMS, therefore I release the point with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel more than and superior, when/as I see/perceive someone worshiping me for my progress, instead of realising that I am defeating the whole point of process within doing so. When and as I see myself wanting to feel or feeling superior to others due to process, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am compromising myself and others with these thoughts, therefore I release them with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have the protection of a group and be able to rely on the group members for support, instead of realising that within doing so I am abdicating my absolute self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to balem other people for understanding me wrongly, instead of taking full responsibility to express myself in a way so that they do not understand me wrongly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider how other people will understand me when and as I express myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself in such a way so that I could feel superior and more than others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for other people to tell me how different I am from others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be perceived as 'different', instead of realising that this is only my mind's construct of enslavement, designed to never allow me to realise myself as equal and one with everything.
When and as I see myself wanting to be different, special and more than others, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in no way different than other people, therefore I release my want with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty, when/as I see/perceive someone misunderstanding me, instead of realising that guilt is absolutely useless, and that I can only prevent this by taking into consideration how other people will understand me, when I express myself. Therefore when/as I express myself, I carefully consider how others will accept it, and express myself accordingly.
When and as I see myself wanting to talk to others about process, I stop and I breathe. I do not allow myself to talk from a point of wanting to appear superior, instead I release it with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

Monday, 3 September 2012

Day 31: Self-forgiveness on being responsible for my creations - part 1

For context read this blog post. Here I share self-forgiveness on points that I have found within that post.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to hang with people in order to get valiation from them about how great I am and smart and special, instead of realising that this need is stemming from my deeply ingrained inferiority that I have accumulated in my mind throughout my life by thinking that I am somehow inferior to others because I am fat.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am inferior to others due to being fat, instead of realising myself as equal to all other human beings and not allowing my mind to persuade me that I am less than others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed into the system of feeling inferior to others and wanting them to prove me wrong, instead of remaining here in breath as an equal to other beings and directing myself with common sense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build a system of inferiority to others which I compensated for with superiority through knowledge and information in conversations with other people.
When and as I see myself wanting to be superior to others in conversations, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that this is stemming from my inferiority for being fat and having to prove myself in other ways, thruogh knowledge and information.
When and as I see myself feeling inferior and less than others due to having a fat body, I stop and I breathe. I do not allow myself to go into inferiority, instead I release the trigger point with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge/define/perceive people that I see/perceive failing to apply self-forgiveness effectively as failures.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as a failure and be angry at myself, when/as I see myself not being effective, instead of remaining here in breath and investigating the point at hand.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have someone that I could talk to about process openly and without limitations.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire to have someone who sees what I see, so that I could talk to them about it, instead of realising that I am wanting to talk about it from an ego perspective of validating myself with 'what I see' and within that I would be perpetuating the shit that I have been doing in system conversations, playing energetic ping pong, only on a slightly different topic.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be praised for 'what I see', instead of realising this ego point about myself and releasing it.
When and as I see myself wanting to be praised by other people, I stop and I breathe. I investigate the point and release the trigger with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push and persuade other people into applying self-forgiveness, because I want to fix this world as soon as possible so that I could enjoy myself afterwards for a while before I die, instead of realising how I am separating myself from myself and enjoyment and fun through fear of not being able to enjoy myself and have fun in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from enjoyment and fun by fearing that I will not be able to have fun in the future due to the ammount of work that I have to do, instead of realising that I have defined work as not fun and within that made another dimension of separation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive work as the opposite of fun and within that give the word 'work' a negative connotation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive fun and enjoyment as the opposite of work and within that give the words 'fun' and 'enjoyment' a positive connotation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from fun and enjoyment within desiring to have fun and enjoyment in the future and not realising that I can have fun and enjoy myself with whatever I am doing here in breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become dependent on other people in order to have fun and enjoyment, instead of realising that I am fun and enjoyment, no matter who I am with or not with and no matter where I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive sitting, smoking and talking to other people within the desire to get validated by them as fun.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive being validated by other people as a smart and insightful individual as fun.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be validated by others as an insightful individual because I perceived it as fun.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive fun as feeling superior to others and more than them and feeling better than 'usual', instead of realising that I am not real within this inconsistency of experiencing myself differently at different times.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the need/wish/want/desire to fix this world as soon as possible, instead of realising how I am separating myself from myself and the world with this desire by going into a mind dimension and not remaining here in breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive/define my world according to the 'rule': fun comes after work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of having too much work to be able to have fun, instead of realising that there is little to no physical difference within what I do for work and what I do for fun, as both imply sitting at a computer and typing and/or talking to people and/or breathing, walking, being here, and that all differences that I perceive are only definitions of the mind.
When and as I see myself desiring to have fun, I stop and I breathe. I realise that I am separating myself from fun because of some definition of the mind, therefore I investigate the point and release it with self-forgiveness, and direct myself in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to help everyone and save everyone in this world, instead of realising that no one can save anyone, everyone can only save themselves, and this desire of mine is coming from a desire to be superior to others and feel special and more than them within helping them, and such help is not an act of equality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to help others and 'save' them, instead of realising that I am separating myself from them as equals, because me 'saving' them implies me being more than them and superior to them for being able to save them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to validate myself as a good person within helping others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for others to perceive me as a good person in order for them to like me and help me in the future, instead of realising how I am feeding into yet another survival construct of the mind within doing so.
When and as I see myself wanting others to perceive me as a good person, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is coming from a survival construct within my mind, therefore I investigate the point and release it with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.
When and as I see myself wanting to be perceived by others in a certain way, I stop and I breathe. I investigate my starting point and release trigger points with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a 'saviour of the world' character, within which I want to save this world and everyone in it, so that I could have some peace and quiet and be praised as a saviour.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be praised as one that saves the day, instead of realising that this is a superhero pattern that I have picked up from television.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be programmed by television and accept within myself the desire to separate myself from other human beings by having supernatural powers and/or being a hero of the people.


Part 2 tomorrow.

Sunday, 2 September 2012

Day 30: I'm responsible for someone else's delusions

I've been hanging with a certain individual, who has been part of Desteni before, but has failed to apply himself in a manner that would bring him back here. Instead of removing his programming, he has been adding new constructs on top of old ones. My reason for hanging with him was to be able to hang with his gf, who does remove constructs and is doing process for herself, more or less. I could talk to her about common sense, but I still failed to acknowledge her relationship to this person, and I might have said too much, which resulted in him building extra new constructs after talking to her.

I was also trying to persuade him to start writing a blog, and make an account on Demonology - basically walk the path that I had walked. Unfortunately, his warped sense of reality twisted all of this, and although he outendly did create a blog, he still went on with following his mind and not stopping it, which resulted in him writing a whole lot of Desteni bashing.

I can see how I created this. It is a consequence of me thinking that all people can and should be 'saved', as none of us are free until all of us are free. In that I completely failed to realise that some people simply won't put in the effort to save themselves, and that this is only my 'saviour construct' trying to achieve something in order to validate myself with it.

I've been talking to him a lot about my own process, how and what I have changed about myself and how I am experiencing myself in my physical body now that I have regained some control over it and started enjoying the physicality of it.
Throughout that whole venture, which lasted for about a month, I was slowly realising that I am not getting through to this person, and I might never be able to. He started worshiping me for my progress instead of starting to walk the same path that I walk. I was not hitting the 'apply yourself' button, I was hitting the 'build new constructs' button. The more I tried to point this out, the more energy I was feeding into the new constructs. This all resulted in him conjuring up an idea of a way in his mind to get back into the group, because he perceives the group as something that will take responsibility for his life instead of him. I have warned him that he will never succeed with this, but of course he wouldn't listen, and went on with his rampant mission to get back into the group - by means of forcing himself onto certain individuals that I had mentioned as a great influence/support for me and my process. When I was made aware that this happened, I decided to stop all my participation with this person, and I asked him to delete the blog, which he has not done, because he still thinks that his ideas will work.

This whole mess is a result of me expressing myself within my own mind constructs of superiority and inferiority. I was not in any way ready to stand as an example of effectiveness to a very mindfucked person.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to persuade all people that I meet to do self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that self-forgiveness can and will save anyone, instead of realising that self-forgiveness can help only those that have a self-drive to 'save' themselves.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to get praise and acknowledgment on my effectiveness in getting other people to do self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look upon myself, define/perceive myself as a 'saviour' that can show people how to save themselves, instead of realising that with this I am trying to make myself superior to others. When and as I see myself wanting to explain and show self-forgiveness to another, I stop and I breathe. I investigate my starting point, clear it with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath with common sense towards what is best for All.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be part of a group within which I could feel safe and wouldn't have to face myself in absolute self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to help others within 'best intentions', instead of realising that those best intentions are coming from a need to make myself superior and more than others in terms of wanting others to perceive me as good and benevolent.
When and as I see myself wanting to help others, I stop and I breathe. I investigate my starting point and release the points of 'want' with self-forgiveness and direct myself within breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy, be happy and satisfied with myself, when and as I see/perceive someone praising me for my progress, instead of remaining here and directing myself in breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define myself as superior and more than other people because I am walking the process of equalising myself. lol - When and as I see myself feeling superior to and more than other people, I stop and I breathe. I investigate the point of superiority, release it with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to stand as an example of the effectiveness of process to others, instead of realising that this want is stemming from my want to be superior, which stems from ingrained inferiority. When and as I see myself wanting to stand as an example to others, I stop and I breathe. I release the point of want and superiority/inferiority with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.