Day 160: Wanting to be different, not fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be different than how I am, to have a different body, similar to the image of the perfect female body that I have conjured up in my mind from the data input I took from the media and my surroundings, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and hate and judge the way that I look and define it as imperfect/ugly/not pretty, instead of realising and understanding that what I resist, persists, thus I have by resisting my body image created it.

When and as I see myself desiring/wanting to look differently than I look right now, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind comparison and competition construct about body image, which I have built up during my growing up from by using data from my surroundings and the media, within which I will want to have the perfect body in order to be able to compare clothes and appearance in clothes with other women, and get attention from men and compete with other women for the attention of men. Therefore I release the trigger point of wanting to look differently than I do now with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards what is best for my physical body and what supports it best within the context of what is best for all.

I commit myself to stopping and removing my desires to look differently than I am now, because I realise and understand that I am abusing myself with this desire by wanting to participate energetically within the mind system of comparison and competition with other women, with which I abuse my physical body with thoughts about wanting to look different and feeling less than, inferior, powerless and ugly for not being able to do so. I realise and understand that by participating with these thoughts I am only fueling my mind as ego/my perceptional reality with negativity and with wanting/desiring positivity, thus separating myself from all that is here within one single mind dimension of wanting to look better, where I disregard everything else in reality and miss out on life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the wishes of not being fat. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire to not be fat in order to not be teased by my peers and my family, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and angry, whenever I was or I perceived that I was being teased by my family and peers about my body image. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a fear of being teased about my weight, and fear having to experience being teased about my weight, instead of realising and understanding that the teasing only has power over me if I give it attention in my mind and power it with thoughts about it, thus catching myself in my own personal hell that I trigger with word that I hear from others and define as teasing.

When and as I see myself wishing that I would look different and not be fat, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that this wish is coming from fear of not being accepted by others and the fear of being teased, because I allowed as a child to become hurt by the teasing words of others who were talking about my fat, and I believed/perceived that those words define me. I realise and understand that whatever other people have to say about my appearance and body image does not define me or reflect me in any way, therefore I will not allow myself to feel like those words define me or reflect me, but will release any trigger point that I notice going off with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

I commit myself to remove from myself all wishes/desired to not be fat and to look different, because I realise and understand that those wishes are coming form me not feeling accepted due to body image and wanting to be accepted in terms of my body image, which I realise and understand to be feeling only because I have allowed myself to not accept myself and in fact reject myself for being fat, which I did by thinking/believing/perceiving that others are rejecting me because I am fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that other people are rejecting me and will reject me for being fat, and fear the rejection of me by other people due to my body image, and try to counter it and resist it by trying to not be fat in order to feel accepted and appreciated, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unappreciated and unaccepted and disrespected because of being fat, not realising and understanding that it is me who is creating these feeligns inside myself, thus disrespecting, not appreciating and not accepting myself due to the way my body looks - due to being fat. So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hatred for myself, not appreciate myself and not care for myself due to being fat. I realise and understand that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel this way because I have accepted and allowed the world perception of fat people, which was ridiculing them, labelling them as ugly and lazy and unclean and unworthy of love and appreciation, to become part of me, thus building up this kind of behaviour towards myself, thus separating myself from myself by judging myself the way I perceived that fat people should be judged.

When and as I see myself judging myself according to the world perception of fat people that I allowed to become part of my own perception, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that within this action I am separating myself from myself and all that is here into a self-judgement mind dimension, therefore I release the trigger point with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath, not allowing myself to judge myself in any way, because I realise and understand that I am responsible for stopping and removing all self-judgement because I have accepted and allowed it to exist within me.

I commit myself to erase and delete from myself all judgements,  perceptions, beliefs, definitions, opinions and behaviour towards fat people that I saw in others and accepted and allowed to become part of me, my existence, reality and behaviour towards fat people and consequentially myself, because I realise and understand that I paradoxically as a fat person have anyway accepted and allowed the world abusive perception towards fat people to exist within me, and I used it to compromise myself and hate myself, therefore I am responsible for stopping and removing it from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I do not deserve and am not worthy of appreciating myself, loving myself, caring for myself and embracing myself (due to being fat), if I perceive that other people do not appreciate, care and love me, following the logic that if others do not like me - when I perceive that others do not like me - then I shouldn't and am not allowed to like myself, instead of realising and understanding that within this I have developed a very self-destructive pattern of self-hatred, with which I powered my mind as ego and abused my body for the longest time.

When and as I see myself not liking myself because I perceive that someone else doesn't like me, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am conditioning how I treat myself with my perception of how other people treat me, thus following a pattern of wanting to be accepted by others instead of me accepting me. Therefore I release the trigger point of not liking myself and the thought pattern that follows with self-forgiveness and direct myself in full appreciation of myself as myself without allowing myself to be influenced by my perceptions of how other people see/perceive/accept me.

I commit myself to start liking myself, to embrace myself and to let go of all self-judgement that I have built up through years of perceiving how other people judge me, because I realise and understand that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up a pattern of self-destructive behaviour towards myself according to the input from my surroundings, from my perceptions of how others behave towards me, which I would then emulate and copy until it became a part of me. I realise and understand that I must stop my self-accepted and allowed behaviour towards myself, my self-hatred and loathing, because by participating within these patterns I separate myself from myself and all that is here into a mind dimension of emulating other people's behaviours and jdugements and definitions of/towards fat people. This is not me, and I will not allow it to be me anymore.

My heart area started hurting, which means that I have thought-patterns of how my partner doesn't accept me due to being fat, which is only my perception in relation to my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my partner cannot accept me due to me being fat, instead of realising and understanding that I myself am generating and creating these self-sabotaging thought within myself.

When and as I see myself thinking/believing/perceiving that my partner cannot accept me due to being fat, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my own belief that my partner cannot accept me because I am fat, because I do not accept myself because I am fat, and believe/perceive that I cannot and may not accept myself because I am fat, because I believe that I must be perfect/slender/lean/skinny in order to be accepted by others and consequentially accept myself. Therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern behind the belief that my partner cannot accept me because I am fat, and direct myself in breath within the awareness that my perception of my partner not accepting me is in fact my own non-acceptance of myself, which I also remove and delete from myself with self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to stopping and removing my perceptions of my partner being unable to accept me the way I am, because I realise and understand that I am coming from my own inability to accept me the way I am, therefore I commit myself to accept me the way I am and remove from my mind and reality all disapproval and non-acceptance and self-hatred and disrespect for myself for being fat, because I now realise and understand that I am the sole creator of these experiences, which I have taught myself to experience by building them from my perceptions of how fat people are being treated in this world and from the belief that I need to treat myself the same way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my father didn't love me and cherish me because I was fat and because he couldn't be proud of having a pretty daughter, instead of realising and understanding that I have come up with all of this in my head and allowed myself to build a negatively charged emotional construct around it, within which I hated my father and despised him for judging me by my appearance, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my father because of my perception that he didn't like me because he couldn't be proud of having a pretty daughter. I realise and understand that this is something that I myself have built up in my mind, I came to this conclusion by interpreting his behaviour within my own self-hatred that I accepted as part of me, therefore when and as I see myself remembering my father/parents in this way, I stop, breathe and release the trigger point with self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all blame towards others, my parents, family, partner, surroundings and the media for the way I experience myself and the attitude I have towards myself within myself, because I realise and understand that I myself  have accepted and allowed myself to build up thought patterns within which I experience myself, therefore I will release them with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath with appreciation for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel helpless and hopeless, whenever I saw/perceived that other people are judging me for being fat, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel helpless and hopeless for living in a world, where fat women are judged as inferior and less than slender thin women, instead of realising and understanding that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an emotional mind construct around the subject, with which I kept myself occupied and busy and completely separated from reality and all that is here by fueling and feeding my mind as ego with my unhappiness and inferiority about my body image.

When and as I see myself feeling helpless and hopeless about fat people being judged in this world as inferior to slender/thin/skinny people, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am feeling this way, because I accepted and allowed myself to incorporate these beliefs into and as myself, into my perceptional reality, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath and the awareness that I do not have to and in fact do not allow this to be part of my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hopeless and helpless whenever I am walking with my partner, and we encounter a thin woman, because I think/believe/perceive that he immediately goes into desire for thin women, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within my own fear of loss partner to a thin woman, and my perception/definition that thin women are more desirable to men than fat women, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to incorporate within myself the belief that thin women are prettier and more desirable than fat women/me.

When and as I see myself going into desperation around my partner when meting a thin woman and think/believe/perceive that he desires thin women more than me, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within the fear of loss of a partner, within which I fear that I would feel inferior and less than, if I lost my partner to a thin woman, and feel humiliated and disgraced, if I was to loose my partner to a thin woman.  I realise and understand that I am participating within a survival construct of wanting/keeping a partner so that I would not have to be alone and would have a constant supply of sex, which I define to be the comfort of a partnership.

I commit myself to stopping and removing my need for  a partnership, because I realise and understand that I am making myself co-dependent by participating within my desire for partnership, thus not standing absolutely within myself as comfort and self-responsibility due to desiring to have a constant supply of sex, thus fearing loosing having sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider and think about and wish that I could use mechanical means of altering my body so that I would not be fat anymore, such as surgeries and liposuction. I also forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider and to think about and wish that I could use chemical means of altering my body so that I would not be fat anymore, such as ephedrine, cocaine and other drugs that I learned were suppressing hunger. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous and envious of rich people, whom I perceive/believe are able to lose weight by means of snorting cocaine and not having to put too much effort into losing weight.

When and as I see myself wanting to be able to change my body and lose weight with mechanical and/or chemical means, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within the self-destructive, self-judging mind construct that I have built up from beliefs of how my body should look in order for me to be happy, therefore I release the trigger point of wanting to be happy with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards what is best for my physical body and what will support it best in terms of physical well-being.

I commit myself to stopping and removing my beliefs about how my body should look in order for me to be happy, because I realise and understand that I am only separating myself from my body and happiness within my perceptions/beliefs that I should look a certain way in order to be happy, instead of realising and understanding that everything I need is already here. Within this I commit myself to stopping and removing my perceptions/beliefs of what one requires in order to be happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become desperate and feel sad, angry and hopeless, because I am not able to change the way my body looks, for not being able to lose the fat and become a slender/skinny person, instead of realising and understanding that this is one of the standards that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need in order to be happy, not realising and understanding that within this I am separating myself from happiness within my definitions of what happiness is.

When and as I see myself becoming frustrated for not being able to change my body, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am separating myself from myself and all that is here within my desire to change my body in order to satisfy my perception of happiness, within which I separate myself from happiness by defining it to be having a what I perceive to be perfect body. Therefore I release the definition/trigger point of wanting to change my body/perception of happiness with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards what really supports my physical body and assists and supports it's physical well-being.

I commit myself to stopping wanting to change my body's appearance, because I realise and understand that if I want to change it, it is because I am participating within my own definitions/perceptions of what happiness is, thus within them separating myself from happiness. I realise and understand that everything I need and require is already here, and me chasing happiness is due to me having accepted and allowed myself to build up my own personal perception of happiness from the data-input from my surroundings and the media.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself and be angry at myself and judge myself and punish myself with harsh words towards myself in my mind for not being able to lose the fat from my body. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cry and feel sorry for myself for not being able to lose my fat and never being able to look the way that I desired to look.

When and as I see myself being distressed, angry and sad about not being able to change my body and loose the fat on it, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating in my mind within a chase for an illusion of happiness that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up an image of, therefore I release the trigger point and definition/perception of happiness with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath without separating myself from myself within my desire to reach my own illusion of happiness by trying to lose weight, because I realise and understand that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that happiness means having a slender/thin/skinny body and attracting looks from males with which I could feed my mind energy with superiority within comparison with other women.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all my emotional/energetic reactions towards what my body looks like, because I realise and understand that if I am reacting to the way my body looks, I am participating within my own self-accepted beliefs/perceptions of happiness and what life (and my body within it) should be like, and the desire for attaining and achieving such a life, with which I only separate myself from life, myself and all that is here.