Day 165: More self-forgiveness on Mother

My mother recently asked me for help. I said I'd do it under the condition that she starts her process. She promised she would, but after a while it became apparent that she's doing it only to satisfy my demand. She wrote a few blogs in the beginning, and I was absolutely thrilled, because I saw self-honesty in them. I told her that, and that was probably the fuckup - she relaxed and started writing half-assed blogs, and then after a while they completely ceased.

I was quite busy for a while, so I didn't pay much attention to what she was doing, but one day I got a breather and I checked it out. When I saw what happened, I completely freaked out. Multiple thoughts started arising in my head of her "bad deeds" in life, and then anger at her for wanting me to help her in life after she had done all those bad deeds. I freaked out, called her and told her that I can see her deception, and that for every day she continues with it, the due date her receiving my help will prolong, so that if she in the end receives my help too late, it will be entirely her own fault.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel obliged to help my mother only because she is my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire my mother to beg for mercy for what she has done to me, instead of realising and understanding that i am participating within a mind polarity construct, where i have in the past felt defeated and betrayed by my mother and I felt inferior to her, and now want to feel superior to her by wanting her to beg and cry for mercy and forgiveness for what she had done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to punish my mother for what I perceive to be the bad deeds that she had done onto me in my life, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within the revenge construct, where I want to compensate with feeling superior to my mother by punishing her for the feelings of inferiority that I allowed within myself, when I perceived her to be haring me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my mother harmed me in the past, instead of realising and understanding that by allowing myself to feel harmed by her, I am giving in to self-pity and abdicating my full self-responsibility for what I accept and allow to come up within my own mind.

When and as I see myself remembering past occurrences with my mother, where I perceive to have been harmed by her, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that holding on to bad memories of experiences with my mother only powers my mind as ego within the polarity construct of love and hate, superiority and inferiority, where I will pity myself and abdicate my self-responsibility to that feeling and allow that feeling to define me, therefore I release with self-forgiveness the trigger point of remembering past occurrences with my mother where I perceive to have been harmed by her and the thought pattern triggered by those memories, and I direct myself in breath towards what is best for all within awareness that holding onto such memories is an abdication of self-responsibility for who I am in every breath.

I commit myself to through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application stop and remove all my feeling and emotional definitions, thoughts, memories of and towards my mother, because I realise and understand that my mother is not responsible for who I allow myself to be in every moment of every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be able to run to my mother for protection and advice and consolation, whenever I feel bad, instead of realising and understanding that within wanting my mother's protection I am abdicating my self-responsibility for directing myself in breath with common sense and abdicating my self-direction onto her, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel cheated by my mother, because I perceived that she didn't provide me with protection and guidance, instead of realising that I am giving into self-pity and allowing myself to define myself as a poor thing for not having had what i perceive to be a good mother.