Saturday, 30 June 2012

Day 5: other women in my exclusive relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with dismay, anger and fear, whenever my partner says that he will spend the night with another girl.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior, less than and powerless, whenever my partner says that he will spend the night with another girl.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my partner for not wanting to face himself in self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for my partner to reach self-honesty, because I am afraid that otherwise he will leave me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to stop my partner and prevent him from being with other girls, because I am insecure about myself, and am afraid that those other girls might steal him from me, instead of realising that I do not own him or have the right to demand exclusiveness within oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally that my partner wants to have a relationship with someone else, and feel rejected, instead of realising the truth about cycles of relationships, and how they can never last, because they are energetic in nature, and energies die out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to exist within an energetic relationship of "love", where I would feel safe and cherished.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run to my partner every time I have a problem, instead of realising my self-responsibility and writing myself out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself in various individual relationships of separation, so that I would not have to take responsibility for myself and this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed and resentful after perceiving that someone is not doing their process right or are faking it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become jealous, whenever I see/perceive my partner flirting with another girl or girls.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner for giving into his energetic addiction to flirting/relationship, instead of realising that I was absolutely the same, and have thus no right to judge, blame or define him, but only assist and support him.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of other women "stealing" my partner, which I was trying to prevent with that fear, instead of realising the fuckup and separation of an exclusive relationship.

Day 4: Fighting and spitefulness in relationships

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to spite my partner when breaking up by not giving him money, taking money from him to spite him, or hide money from him so that I would feel better about myself for "being left".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about myself, to feel like a failure, inferior and less than, because my partner wants to break off our agreement to be with someone else.

Yesterday, when we fought, I hid the key so that he wouldn't be able to leave the apartment, but stay and cool himself down, which of course resulted in the opposite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear of being abandoned, whenever I have a fight with my partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to prevent that fear of abandonment from manifesting by trying to calm my partner down, whenever we have  a fight.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of my partner's emotional possession, where common sense cannot be heard, and I am powerless to convey it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry with my partner, whenever he doesn't want to stop fighting.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue fighting with my partner, instead of realising that I am fighting, because I want to prove that I am right, which is ego.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that fighting always happens to me, when I want to prove that I am right.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to prove to my partner that I am right, whenever we fight, instead of realising that it does not matter whether I am right or not - what matters is my stability within myself - which is not dependant on other people thinking/knowing/confirming that I am right.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare and compete with my partner in terms of "being right".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight with my parter in order to prove to myself that I am right by having him confirm what I am saying, instead of realising that we are both in such a mental state, and as such are causing friction between us, as each wants to prove to be right.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cause friction between my partner and I, by wanting to overpower him in a fight and have him admit and confirm that I am right.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use emotional manipulation to get my partner to admit and confirm that I am right in the fight that we are having.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate with money, and threaten to not contribute money to our mutual funds, to get my partner to confirm to me that I am right.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful towards my partner, wish harm on him, and have violent and murderous thoughts towards him, whenever he doesn't agree with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to prevent my partner from leaving the premise, because I am afraid of him not coming back.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my partner from freely expressing himself, in order for me to be sure and secure that he will not leave.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of my partner leaving.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of my partner's anger towards me, and consequential leaving.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure and frightened to stay alone in the future, whenever I had a fight with my partner.

Whenever I notice myself trying to prove that I am right to someone else, I stop, I breathe. I do not allow myself to go into an energetic discussion of being right and wrong. Instead I investigate my starting point, clear it with self-forgiveness, and direct myself with common sense towards what is best for all in oneness and equality.

I commit myself to stop all conflict within myself and my world.

Friday, 29 June 2012

Day 3: Money and relationships

I am absolutely going out of my mind, because my agreement partner has chosen to go back into an exclusive relationship. He knows it is wrong, but she's richer than me. It's much more comfortable to stay with her, where it is safe, and I am jealous, because I don't have that safety. I feel  so insulted, I feel betrayed, I cannot find the words to explain how unfair all of this is, but that's capitalism and capitalistic self-interest. I would have done the same before process - I'd disregard people with no money, and give all my attention to people with enough money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sad, because I have to move away from x.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cry, because I have to move away from x.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as sick of having to move around constantly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful towards my partner for choosing to be with someone else.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to persuade my partner to not leave me and abandon me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as abandoned, when my partner breaks off our agreement/relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insulted, betrayed and incredulous, when my partner chooses to break up with me and go into another relationship due to self-interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for relationships due to capitalistic self-interest of having material safety in this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to punch my partner and physically punish him, because I perceive that he is abandoning me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to punish my partner and wish harm upon him, because I perceive that he is abandoning me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish harm upon the girl for whom my partner is leaving me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for a partner who is well suited within this system, so that I would be comfortable and safe and wouldn't have to do anything about the situation in the world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for safety with people who are well suited in this system, instead of realising that they are safe, because someone else gets abused and is unsafe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to without questioning think/believe/perceive that I can only make myself safe in this world, and that I cannot do anything for anyone else but myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for safety in partnerships so that I wouldn't have to stand up within myself for equality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world system in which not all are equally safe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself, because I perceive that I have no safety in this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself, because I perceive that I have no one to turn to but myself in this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have someone whom I could turn to in moments, when I perceive that I am unsafe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience spitefulness, jealousy and envy, whenever I see a couple that is making each other safe in this world, and feel sorry for myself, because I have no one to lie to that I'll love them forever in order to secure myself safety in the future.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to my partners that I will love them forever, because I was afraid of not having material safety in the future.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mask my self-interest for being safe as love towards my partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself that I love my partner, when I am not in fact allowing him to expand with other people, and am holding him in my grips, because I am afraid that I will not find anyone else who will like me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of not being able to find a partner in this world with whom I will be able to build up safety for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise and limit myself and my partner with jealousy and exclusivity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have my partner only to myself, because I feel insecure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that if I do not hold on to my partner exclusively, I will feel diminished and less than.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel diminished, inferior and less than, whenever my partner wants to be with other people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as worried and insecure, whenever my partner wants to be with other people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will never find someone else, and therefore limit and compromise myself and my partner within an exclusive and abusing relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my partner in order to make myself feel superior, more than and cherished and loved in this world, instead of me cherishing and loving myself first.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love and cherish myself through my partner, instead of giving those things directly to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have enough money with which I could bind my partner emotionally to myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy presents for my partner in order to bind him emotionally to myself and ensure that he will not leave me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to extort my partner with money, and want to force him into staying with me by giving or not giving him money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use money and manipulate with it openly and covertly in order to make my partner stay with me due to my insecurities.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous of people, who have enough money and material safety to be able to manipulate other people with it into liking them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like people, who have money, more than people who do not have money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard people who have no money as people who are not worth hanging with, because I perceive that there is nothing they can give me, if they are poor.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give more attention and respect to people with money, because I am hoping to have their assistance and be in their good grace for the future, if I ever need their help and support.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed money to determine, create and direct the relationships that  I have with other people.

Thursday, 28 June 2012

Day 2: Looking for safety in relationships

I had a fallout with my agreement partner. We started fighting because I got taken over by the fear of not having safety in the future, because I have absolutely nothing to fall back on in terms of material safety.

When I moved in with a Destonian, I was under the impression that we will assist and support each other, because that's what Desteni stands for and that's what Destonians do. But slowly but surely I realised that this is not the case, that calling oneself a Destonian means absolutely nothing. One can call oneself Destonian and still cause much harm with not wanting to stop and write oneself out. This was very evident today, when my partner got so angry, and didn't want to stop himself, that it almost came down to a physical fight. He was absolutely possessed and spiteful, and started making fun of my fear of being alone and having nothing.

Which was always my biggest fear since childhood, and it manifested. My family had fallen apart quite some time ago when my father died, and since then I've been moving around to various rooms in various apartments. The only things that I really have is a job and my process. So when I moved in with a Destonian, I thought I was finally home, where assistance and support would come in equality. Boy was I wrong. I'm currently being squeezed out of this agreement by a girl who has everything in terms of material safety, but wants to take this away from me anyway.

He is absolutely under her influence, and it bothers me, because he does not consider us equally at all... she has everything, I have nothing, and he'll still give it all to her, and leave me to fend for myself as before, before he used me for his own self-interest - to move in with him and help him pay for a nice apartment. Only trouble is that in the beginning he didn't tell me that he plans to go to study, and that we'll have to move out in a years time. He told me when it was all said and done, when I had already moved to another city with him. I was completely taken aback that he didn't consider me, and that situation repeated itself a few times - him doing/deciding something that affects me - behind my back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become attached to my partner and look for material safety in partnerships.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of/feel sorry for myself for not having a family to be safe in.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and equate family with safety.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive Destonians as family and think/believe/perceive that they will assist and support me, as long as we all do process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive Destonians as benevolent, kind and understanding.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for a family that I could fit into, so that I would have material safety and security in the future.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself because I have no family and material safety of one.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous and envious of people who have material safety and families in this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am less than and inferior to other people, because I do not have a family or material safety in this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire to have a family and material safety in this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I cannot survive in this world if I don't have material safety and a family.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive having a family and a place to live as having safety.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am not safe if I don't have a family and a place to live.

As I was writing, I noticed that I blame him for giving in to her conditions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner and be angry with him, when he decides to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and be angry with the girl, who is taking over my partner for an exclusive relationship for herself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous and spiteful of the girl who I perceive is taking over my (agreement) partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself, because I perceive that my agreement partner will not take into consideration my situation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner that he doesn't want to take me into consideration.
Because that is not true, he's simply trying to balance between equality and self-interest. He promised to help me with moving in with them, and he also defended me, when it came to gossiping about me. Only later did he become possessed by anger so much, that he started making fun of my fears. As I tried to calm him, he was becoming more and more possessed by anger, and I couldn't stop myself from trying to calm him either, because I was wanting for us to talk normally again, and for everything to be ok. It all escalated so far that he wanted to leave the apartment, and I locked the door and hid the key, so that he wouldn't leave but calm himself down, which resulted in him threatening to hit me. It was interesting to observe how effective my self-forgiveness from the previous blog was, because I did not become violent, not one bit. I suggested to him to read the blog, but he was so possessed by anger that he refused.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight with my partner, because I feel insecure and threatened and scared of not having safety in the future.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for my partner to assist and support me in the future, because I do not have anywhere to go.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of living on my own without a partner and not being able to pay for all the living costs and expenses.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that if I live alone and pay for everything myself, my quality of life is diminished, because I have less money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have a comfortable life with material safety, instead of realising that I already have that, since I live in a world, where half of the population is living in poverty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sick of living in poverty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as poor, instead of realising that I still have a roof over my head.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself, because I have no family house to go to and be safe from the big bad world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive this world as big and bad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being completely alone in this world in terms of having to fend for myself without anyone's help.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive it as difficult to fend for oneself and live alone in this world.

Day 1: Violence and anger in relationships

Today I started this blog, as per Bernard's suggestion, in order to investigate and clear my starting point for wanting to have an agreement with my agreement partner, who is being forced and manipulated with suicide into being with another girl.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at x for forcing and manipulating x into being in an exclusive relationship with her by threatening that she will kill herself.


I used to do this as well. I used to force and manipulate my partner into doing things for me against his will, and every time I succeeded, which was almost always, I felt powerful, like a winner, superior and more than.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to threaten my partner that I will kill myself, if he doesn't do as I say.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force my partner into doing things against his will by threatening that I will kill myself otherwise.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior, more than, as a winner and powerful, whenever I manipulated my partner into doing something for me by threatening that I will kill myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless, whenever my partner called me out and challenged me to kill myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to overpower men by threatening that I will kill myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the claim that I will kill myself, although I knew that I don't mean it and that it is just a method of manipulation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make another being be worried about me, and  with that manipulate them into doing stuff that I want them to do.


I used to be a monster, and I feel a lot of remourse for the manipulations of men that I did in the past. I caused my ex boyfriend a lot of grief.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel remourseful  about my past emotional manipulations of men.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about the emotional manipulating that I did in the past, instead of realising that remourse is a feeling that is preventing me from taking full self responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel remourse for what I did to x.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for x for the things that I have done to him in the past, instead of writing myself out and clearing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for causing my ex bf so much grief, instead of writing myself out and clearing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about the emotional and physical abuse that I have caused within my first relationship, instead of clearing myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as angry and violent towards my partner, whenever he doesn't want to comply with what I want him to do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be able to control what my partner does, and manipulate him emotionally and with physical violence into doing what I want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become physically violent towards my partner within our relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as physical violence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a violent person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed violence to exist within and as me. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed physical violence to exist within and as me. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of being a violent person. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel remourse and shame for my past violent escapades.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as a violent person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by violence every time I do not get what I want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I will get what I want if I use violence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use (physical) violence in order to get what I want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be violent and have violent thoughts about people, whenever they are not complying with what I want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my surroundings into doing what I want with violence.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  exist within and as violence towards myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be violent towards myself, whenever I do not succeed within something that I wanted to succeed in.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I cannot control and stop the violence that I feel coming up inside me, whenever something doesn't go my way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed violence to come up within me, whenever something doesn't go my way.


When and as I notice violence coming up within me, I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to become violent. Instead I look at the point in self-honesty, release it with self-forgiveness and direct myself within common sense in oneness and equality towards what is best for all.


I commit myself to stop violence within and as me.


The violence comes from anger.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define myself as an angry person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use anger in order to manipulate other people into doing what I want them to do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself with anger into doing things that are required of me within the system.


I used to get angry at myself for not making an effort to succeed in school/the system.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become angry, whenever I perceive that things are not going my way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become angry with myself, whenever I perceive that things are not going my way. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my anger  to scare people into doing what I want them to do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make other people scared of me, so that they would do what I want them to do.


When and as I see myself wanting to manipulate people with my anger into being scared of me  and complying with what I want, I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to manipulate with anger and fear. Instead I look at the point in self-honesty, I release it with self-forgiveness, and I direct myself within common sense in oneness and equality towards what is best for all.


I commit myself to stop manipulating other people and myself with anger and fear.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my father for being a violent person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive my father as a violent person, and be afraid of him for it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pick up my father's angry behavioural pattern.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my father for making me a violent person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my father/parents made me a violent person, instead of realising that I have made myself that way with accepting and allowing anger and violence to exist within me.


I STOP being an angry and violent person.
I STOP allowing angry and violent thoughts within me.
I DO NOT ALLOW any angry and/or violent thoughts to exist within me.