Saturday, 4 October 2014

Day 201: Reacting to being asked for help

A woman, our neighbour, came knocking on our door the other night. It was after 10 pm, and when I opened the door, she asked for help from the boys in our apartment to help her carry furniture from her car to her place in the second floor. She was accompanied by another woman, who waited next to the car. I was very much annoyed by this. I thought it was highly irregular and inappropriate to simply ask for something that people otherwise pay money for. After she saw the annoyed look on my face, she offered to give the boys money for beer afterwards. I said that I would ask, and in that thought that it is the boy's responsibility to either help or refuse to help. Within this I see that I was feeling responsible for something that wasn't my responsibility, for how the boys will answer. I was afraid that they might also react with laziness and would only reluctantly help in order to not be seen as unhelpful and impolite, which is my own projection of myself onto them.
I called the boys together and they helped, but I myself went into justification of my annoyance. "If they hadn't come so late, if they had come beforehand and asked for assistance, not just like this in the given moment... - I wouldn't have been so annoyed." As I was doing that, I was also aware that had I been in their place, I'd have wanted assistance as well. And when my friend told me that the other woman was pregnant, I felt ashamed that I was so unaware in that moment of annoyance and frustration that I completely missed that. I also went into blame. "How dare they simply assume that we will be there at their service whenever they damn well please, they probably think that they can take advantage of students, that they won't say no to a pregnant woman."

Truth is that they were in a situation where they needed help, and due to my reactions I was completely unable to put myself in their shoes, and even went into justification why I cannot. I realised that night how much money interferes with us, human beings, being unable to assist and support each other without expecting anything in return, how money makes true kindness and compassion impossible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel obliged to help, whenever I am asked for help, and to react with fear that I will not be liked if I refuse to help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that it is impolite to refuse to help someone, when they are asking for help, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive people who do not want to help others/me as impolite and rude.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with annoyance, frustration, resentment and anger, whenever I am asked to help with something without the possibility of getting anything in return.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I should always get something in return whenever I do something for other people, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always feel indebted to someone who did me a favour or helped me with something, no matter how small that something is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within myself connect and equate doing something for other people, where I spend my time and effort to do so, with money, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect money or a favour in return, whenever I do something for other people where I spend my time and effort to do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insulted, whenever someone is asking me to do something for them without offering anything in return.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into spitefulness towards people who ask me for favours without promising something in return and allow myself to participate within backchat of "how dare they think that I am here at their disposal".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and equate my time and effort that I put into something with money, and want/need/desire to get money for things that I do for other people, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insulted when I am asked to do something that would take up my time and effort without being promised money or favours in return.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate and connect my time spent on doing something for other people to money, and think/believe/perceive that whenever I do something for other people, I am owed either money or their time as favours they should do for me in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uneasy and uncomfortable, whenever I am asked by other people to do favours for them, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unable to say no to them without feeling like an impolite and inconsiderate person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that it is impolite to refuse to help someone, when they ask for help, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I should always be helped, whenever I ask for help, and to define/perceive someone who doesn't want to help me as inconsiderate and rude, and then blame them and judge them for apparently making me feel bad, instead of realising and understanding that with this I am abdicating my self-responsibility for the way I feel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad, whenever I refuse to help someone, and go into fear that they might not like me for it. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be ready to help someone just for the sake of being liked by them, not realising and understanding that in this way I am opening the doors to being abused/taken advantage of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of people, whom have helped me in the past by relying on them that they will always be there to help me again, instead of realising and understanding that with this I am abdicating my self-responsibility to take care of whatever I can take care of alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into resentment towards other people asking me for help in order to justify my own feelings of not wanting to help them because I am feeling lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into laziness, whenever I am asked by others for help, instead of putting myself in their shoes and assessing whether they really need my help and then helping them accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into justification as to why I shouldn't and will not help someone who asks me for help, instead of realising and understanding that had I been in their shoes, I might have wanted help as well.

When and as I see myself reacting energetically to someone asking me for help without promising something in return (with annoyance, resentment, being insulted and feel like I'm being exploited, anger, frustration), I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment now allowing myself to assess whether it is common sense to help this person and helping accordingly, and I also realise and understand that by expecting something offered in return, I am playing into my mind's and this world's money construct, where I will only be satisfied and 'happy to' spend my time and effort if I get promised or given something in return, thus I am not seeing myself in the being that is asking for help and am separating myself from them, myself and all that is here by participating within this mind construct. Therefore I bring myself back Here with breathing, I assess the situation with common sense, help accordingly and commit to write out and remove with self-forgiveness any kind of energetic reactions that might have come up within me.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all of my energetic reactions towards being asked for help by other people, because I realise and understand that those reactions are a consequence of my mind's patterns and this world's patterns about money and debt, money representing the time and effort put in to do something, and by participating in those patterns I am in my mind separating myself from myself and all that is here and am unable to see myself in another.