Saturday, 11 January 2014

Day 183: Blaming parents for not completing my education


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I've never amounted to anything and within this feel inferior to other human beings, whom I perceive have done something with their lives in terms of education and survival in the system - getting what I perceive to be good job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that the goal in life is/should be getting the highest form of education, excel at it, get a job, excel at it, and within this I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel inferior/negative/less than because I perceived that I was unable to complete my schooling and get what I'd perceive to be an ideal job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior in the presence of people who have finished their schooling, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself and others who have not reached/completed the highest form of education as inferior to those that have completed it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a fear of not finishing my schooling/university within myself when I was a child, when I read in a paper article that a woman didn't/couldn't finish university and left before she graduated. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to that woman, and fear that I too will not be able to finish my schooling, not realising and understanding that that is when I started creating my own reality of not graduating from university.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define myself as a student who is not capable of concentrating enough in order to learn the information presented at school, instead of realising and understanding that with this perception/definition I was creating an excuse for myself, because I didn't want to or had the drive to study and better myself amidst the emotional turmoil I subdued to because of living with alcoholic parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive my childhood experience with my parents as hard and a turmoil, and use it as an excuse to not have to take responsibility for myself in the system in terms of educating myself effectively on how to survive in the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply not care what happens to me in terms of education and survival within the system and justify this not caring with having too many problems at home to be able to focus on my education and learning how to survive in the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the fact that my parents were alcoholics for me not studying, not wanting to study, not feeling like studying and not caring what happens to me in the future if I do not study, instead of realising and understanding that with this blame I am abdicating my self-responsibility and shifting it onto my parents, not realising and understanding that I was haring myself in the process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for the way I experienced myself as a child, instead of realising and understanding that I created my own inner experience and I myself allowed myself to feel like a victim and feel powerless as a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a child feel powerless and like a victim, instead of breathing here and not allowing myself to go into self-victimisation.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise as a child that I am the sole creator of my inner experience and that only I am responsible for what I create within my mind based on the input from outside of myself.

When and as I see myself wanting to blame my parents and their drinking of alcohol and irresponsible behaviour for the experiences I have created within myself and my reality in life, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within abdication of absolute self-responsibility within my mind, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath without blaming my parents, and I take absolute responsibility for the situation I am in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive my parents as irresponsible and neglectful because they drank alcohol, and within this feel superior to them, instead of realising and understanding that with this I am justifying/causing separation between myself and my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my parents by defining and perceiving them as bad, neglectful and irresponsible parents, instead of realising and understanding that I am with this blaming my parents and with that abdicating my self-responsibility for the way I experience myself in this world.

commit myself to stopping and removing all my thought patterns about blaming my parents for the way I turned out, because I realise and understand that what I am is a result of what I have accepted and allowed to exist within my own mind.

Monday, 6 January 2014

Day 182: Tears of joy



I watched this video about a chicken farmer releasing his chickens from cages and making it possible for them to live as actual chickens. This act of kindness brought tears to my eyes. I have already dealt with my reactions to animals and people being abused, but I had not yet written out my reactions to such acts of kindness, hence the welling up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cry and get entangled into positive feelings and energetic movement within myself, whenever I see acts of kindness that humans do for each other and/or (abused) animals or that animals do to each other or to humans. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive such acts of kindness as something irregular and extraordinary, and be happy for such acts of kindness in this abusive world, instead of realising and understanding that I am perceiving something that should be normal and generally accepted as superior and more than.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience happiness and joy, whenever I see acts of kindness being done, because I perceive that if someone else does more acts of kindness, then I do not have to worry about the world so much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and fret about the world and the state it is in, instead of realising and understanding that worrying and fretting is not going to assist this world to manifest a system that is best for all in any way, only the self-directive movement of many individuals will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that it is ok to cry for joy, instead of realising and understanding that I am crying for joy because at the source of what I am crying about there is great pain and great abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify abuse in my mind as "not that bad", whenever I see acts of kindness that contradict the abuse, instead of realising and understanding that no abuse whatsoever is acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to adore and give credit to people who diminish or abolish abuse themselves, instead of simply following their example and standing for the same abolishment of abuse worldwide.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel joy and happiness and other positive energetic feelings, whenever I see that suffering that was there before has been stopped, as an opposite polarity of thesadness and anger I felt when I saw suffering happening.

When and as I see myself becoming positively energetically charged and reacting with positive feelings, whenever I see/perceive the ending of hardship and suffering, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind and generating thoughts and energetic feelings within myself as the opposite polarity of the sadness and anger and frustration I felt when I saw/perceived suffering occurring, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards having no energetic reactions to what I am seeing/perceiving.

commit myself to identify, stop and remove all positive energetic reactions within myself, because I realise and understand that I need to remove both polarities in order to be clear of any kind of reactions and be able to direct myself towards what is best for all.

Sunday, 5 January 2014

Day 181: Deconstructing the Cartoon Character


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive the behaviour of characters in cartoons and comedies to be funny, cute, innocent and appropriate for me to copy it and incorporate it into my own behaviour towards and communication with other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act and speak like cartoon and comedy characters within my desire to be perceived as funny, cute, innocent and non-threatening to others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise and understand that by copying and imitating cartoon/comedy characters, I am in my mind further separating myself from myself into separatecharacters for specific situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy expressing myself through cartoon and comedy-like characters and define and perceive such expression as pleasant, funny and cute and non-threatening, instead of realising and understanding that I have developed those characters within myself with a specific reason of being more liked by other people, because I perceived that all people like cartoon and comedy-like characters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself through cartoon and comedy-like characters with baby speak and baby and animal noises in order to alleviate a situation that I perceived as serious/heavy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use/utilize the cartoon and comedy-like characters in situations that I perceived as serious in order to be the one that calms the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself through cartoon and comedy-like characters and baby-speech and animal noises and other random noises in order to be perceived by men as funny and quirky and different from other girls.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use/utilize cartoon and comedy-like characters and baby-speech and animal and other random noises without words in order to make myself feel like a child and within that deflect my responsibility for matters that I have perceived as serious and grown up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself through cartoon and comedy-like characters, through baby-speech and animal and random noises in order to escape the seriousness of being a responsible grown up.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that by using baby-speech, animal and random noises and cartoon and comedy-like characters I am escaping and abdicating my responsibility to become a responsible human grown-up that realises it's responsibility towards myself and all that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to forever stay a child and be perceived by others as a child, even though I am grown up, in order for me to not have to take on the responsibilities of grown-ups, because I perceived/defined those responsibilities to be hard, arduous, scary and not fun.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of not having fun as a grown-up, and therefore try to stay in my childhood mode by using and expressing myself through baby-speech, cartoon and comedy-like characters and random noises.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define grown-ups as beings who are serious and boring and never have fun, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of becoming a boring and serious grown-up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run away from facing myself and my own responsibility for myself and all that is here by developing and playing out cartoon and comedy-like characters with and as baby speech, animal and other random noises.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive the character Dexter from the cartoon Dexter's laboratory as a character that is appropriate for me and overlapping with my own personality, and therefore incorporate parts of this made up characters expression of funny speech and using big words into my own behaviour towards other people in my surroundings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define myself as a pleasant and funny person, whenever I was using the cartoon and comedy-like characters, baby speech and animal and random noises to express myself, instead of realising and understanding that I was automatically participating within my own self-accepted and self-created mind construct, where I have defined people who express themselves with cartoon and comedy-like characters, baby speech and animal and random noises as funny, pleasant, entertaining and superior to people who do not express themselves in such a way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and escape and avoid becoming a responsible and serious grown-up human being by watching cartoons and mimicking cartoon-like behaviour in real life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define myself as a grown-up child, and within this perceive myself as different, funny and entertaining, instead of realising and understanding that with this I am deliberately trying to escape my responsibility towards myself and all that is here as a grown-up human being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to entertain people in my vicinity with cartoon and comedy-like characters, baby speech and animal and random noises, so that I would be perceived by them as entertaining and a desirable person to hang out with, instead of realising and understanding that I am compromising myself and losing myself in a sea of characters in order to please others or not be perceived as threatening by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself and others what I am truly feeling in a moment and cover it up and silence it with trying to be funny through cartoon and comedy-like characters, baby speech and animal and random noises, instead of realising and understanding that I am suppressing what I am experiencing and I am not facing it, therefore allowing it to become a more complex set of suppressedemotions/feelings within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use/utilize cartoon and comedy-like characters, baby speech and animal and random noises as a mechanism to avoid having to talk about myself and my own situations and life experiences, which I have defined as bad/negative/tragic/sad, and with this behaviour hide those situations and life-experiences and accompanying emotions and feelings from my peers/surroundings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad/sad/inferior/negative about myself, my family and the fact that my parents were alcoholics and didn't have enough money/were poor, whenever theconversation with my peers lead to talking about our situations at home, and try to deflect and cover-up my situation at home by expressing myself through humour, because I thought/believed that if I make my peers laugh, they will not want to find out about my situation at home, and will not tease me about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed and degraded/inferior/less than/negative/humiliated because my parents were alcoholics and that we didn't have enough money/were poor, and to be afraid that my integrity among my peers and my family's safety and my own safety within it will be compromised if my peers/schoolmates and teachers found out about it, therefore I started behaving like a person that has fun, that is funny and laughs a lot in order to hide and suppress those fears and prevent anyone from finding out the truth, because then the social workers might come and break up my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a child be afraid of social workers breaking up my family, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define social workers as bad/negative/scary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use/utilize cartoon and comedy-like characters, baby speech and animal and random noises in order to convey a message that I perceived as serious/boring in a funny way, so that I would not be perceived as serious/boring and not feel like I am in danger of falling out of favour with the person that I am conveying the message to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at all costs avoid having to act and behave in a serious way, because I have equated and defined seriousness with/as being boring, instead of realising and understanding that within acting in such a way I am abdicating my responsibility towards myself, others and all that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive people whom I perceive to be acting in a serious manner without humoristic additions as boring and uninteresting, instead of realising and understanding that with these definitions I am giving myself permission to never have to take on serious responsibility for myself and all that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use/utilize cartoon and comedy-like characters, baby speech and animal and random noises in order to "better" myself as a "person" within my perception that I do not look as appealing as other girls, therefore I upgraded my personality to one that I perceived as fun and entertaining in order to compensate for my perceived lack in my appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use/utilize cartoon and comedy-like characters, baby speech and animal and random noises in order to be more liked by men and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my chances for finding/keeping a partner increase with my usage of funny elements in my expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being perceived as both ugly and boring by my surroundings and especially men, if I do not use funny elements within my expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to make people in my vicinity, and especially men, laugh, so that I would be perceived by them as desirable to hang out with and have conversations with.

When and as I see myself acting within cartoon and comedy-like characters, baby speech and animal and random noises, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my minds construct of wanting to be perceived as a funny and entertaining person in order to manipulate others into liking me and/or deflect something that I perceive as serious/bad/negative, and compromising my true expression in equality, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards communicating without energetic reactions what I had set out to convey.

commit myself to observing myself and stopping and removing all my cartoon and comedy-like characters, and the need to express myself through baby speech, animal and random noises, because I realise and understand that with such communication I as humanity as all have been avoiding, deflecting and abdicating our actual responsibility for ourselves and all that is here. I also realise and understand that comedy and funny behaviour is used in order to cover up and ignore pain and suffering by giving it a comical twist, therefore I commit myself to releasing the comical mechanism/way of thinking within myself and uncovering and exposing it to other human beings as well, so that we may all look at the reality of the situation we are in and deal with it appropriately by implementing a system within ourselves that is best for All.