I've always considered myself to be a "generous person" who would always share things, and even sometimes give away things to another, and be left without myself. How generous. Only, it is not, because it was always done in self-interest, the self-interest being that I wanted to define/perceive myself as a "generous person", so that I could make myself feel superior to and more than others in my mind, which is not real sharing because of seeing another as oneself, but sharing from the starting point of being more than the other. What a fuckup.
I noticed myself reacting to someone taking something of mine without asking for it. I had absolutely no need for it in that moment, and if they hadn't taken it, it would just sit there, unused. But I reacted anyway, because it was -mine-. I know fully well what impudent stupidity it is to limit another's access to something that they need in a moment just for the sake of claiming ownership of it, but there I was, reacting inside like it was a matter of life and death. These feelings inside every human being are exactly what causes global starvation, conflicts and wars for resources. This is why we deny each other access to basic living accessories and necessities, because we either claim ownership or want to claim it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with annoyance, resentment, anger and frustration, whenever I see/perceive that someone has taken something from me or used something that I claim as mine, instead of realising and understanding that I do the same thing, only I justify it with "they don't need it at this moment, and I will buy them a new one", not realising and understanding what a hypocrite I am every time I energetically react to something that someone does which I do as well.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that it is rude for someone to take/use something that I claim as mine (especially when I am not using it), instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within a mind construct, which I have built up a long time ago, when my parents and surroundings taught me the concept of ownership and having to politely ask and wait for permission in order to use/take something that was not considered to be mine.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like people need to ask my permission in order to use/take things that I claim ownership over, even when I am not using them, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disrespected, angry, frustrated and resentful, when they do not ask my permission before taking/using it, instead of realising and understanding that I am reacting this way because I feel like I have been denied courtesy and consideration of my feelings, because I want to feel regarded and considered, thus superior, when I give the permission for my stuff to be used.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about myself and define myself as a generous person, whenever I am asked to give/lend something that I claim ownership over, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for others, especially those borrowing/taking/using, to perceive me as a generous person, so that I could make myself feel superior in my mind and define myself as a good person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am a good person, whenever I give permission for something of "mine" to be used/taken by another, instead of realising and understanding that I am in that moment not in fact considering the other as an equal, but am considering myself as superior to them for allowing them to use/take my stuff. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself and often give to others something that I myself needed to have/use, just for the sake of being able to feel like a good person, like a superior and generous human, instead of realising and understanding how I am in fact harming and compromising myself in order to satisfy my ego's need for feelings of superiority and validation as a good and generous person, within which I also often did more damage than good, because I would allow and give permission for something that wasn't necessarily good, but I would allow it in order to make myself feel good about myself.
When and as I see myself wanting to give more to another than I am able to just for the sake of feeling good about myself afterwards, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct, within which I will feel bad for giving away something that I myself needed and will also feel good about myself for "helping another", not realising and understanding that I am in that moment not regarding myself and the other as equals, but am looking to fulfil and satisfy my ego's desire for superiority, and will after that action expect the same in return, thus doing it from a starting point of self-interest - doing a favour in order to receive a favour - not regarding the reality of the situation and what is best for me in the context of what is best for all. Therefore I release the trigger point of wanting to feel good by giving to others with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards what is best for me in the context of what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect people to return the favours/actions/things/money/words that I "give" and "bestow" upon them, instead of realising and understanding that I am having this expectation because of self-interest, fear of the future, within which I do not absolutely rely on myself but am expecting to be able to rely on others, which is not absolute self-responsibility and self-sufficiency, thus making another "in my debt" and creating the feeling within myself of another being in my debt and feeling superior about it and thinking that I have the right to claim reciprocity whenever I damn well please.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed, angry, sad, resentful and frustrated, whenever I perceive that I cannot claim reciprocity of a favour that I did to another, instead of realising and understanding that I am feeling this way because I have not regarded doing the favour in equality, but did it in self-interest in order to once be able to materialise/monetise that favour back.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry, resentful, frustrated and sad, whenever I perceive that someone is not returning, doesn't want to, or cannot return a favour that I did for them, instead of realising and understanding that I am feeling this way, because I had expectations and tied that person in my mind to myself as being in debt to me, thus not regarding them as an equal but as my inferior.
I commit myself to stopping and removing all energetic mind reactions and thought patterns about giving/lending/doing favours to others, and to remove all my expectations of reciprocity in those cases, because I realise and understand that if I have expectations and feelings/thoughts of them being indebted to me, I am not regarding them or the situation in equality, but am only looking to satisfy my ego's demand for superiority, and powering my mind as ego with superiority and inferiority about and within the subject.
I realise and understand that "give as you would like to receive" doesn't mean that I have the right to claim reciprocity of what I am giving and in essence hold another hostage to reciprocating what I have done for them, but implies the consideration of being able to ask for assistance and support in equality, when that is required.
I realise and understand that having energetic emotional reactions to someone taking/lending/using things that I claim ownership over is the cause of humanity denying access to life-supporting resources between individuals, therefore I commit myself to remove all energetic reactions about the subject that come up in my mind with self-forgiveness and direct myself within consideration of what is best for all.
I realise and understand that "claiming ownership" is a ridiculous concept on this one enclosed planet, where everything and everyone is interconnected, therefore I commit myself to thoroughly investigate my own perceptions and definitions about ownership, and remove them with self-forgiveness. I also realise and understand that claiming ownership is a consequence of fear of survival due to living in a system, where not everything is equally accessible and available to all, therefore I commit myself to investigate and remove those fears of survival from myself (because they are limiting my interaction, communication and perception of others as equal beings), and direct myself in consideration of what is best for all and towards manifesting a reality in which all beings are considered as equals as Life, and have therefore unlimited access to everything that supports and assists Physical Life and not the delusional mind of fears.
cool realisations Hilda, thanks for sharing!
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