Wednesday, 15 May 2013

Day 155: Professors



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of professors, and never question their "authority", because I was afraid of being on their bad side due to not wanting to have bad grades.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to professors within my perception that they are more knowledgeable, experienced and older than me. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to challenge professors and prove to them that I am smart in order to balance out the feeling of inferiority towards them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to get acknowledgement from my professors as being a smart kid, because I felt inferior due to my grades not always being excellent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my professors, whenever I got a bad grade, instead of realising and understanding that I am hating them so that I wouldn't have to take responsibility for not having done enough work/studying in order to get a better grade.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be an excellent student in order to feel superior and more than others, and so that I could brag about this and so that other people would perceive me as "special" and "better" than others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to get good grades, because I believed/perceived that good grades will "open all doors for me in life".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for not having excellent grades and feel like I am failing myself, my parents and everyone's expectations because I didn't have good grades.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have good grades in school in order for my parents to be able to be proud of me, not realising and understanding that I was valuing myself according to my perception of what my parents and professors thought of me, thus separating myself from myself with the desire to be highly valued by my parents and professors.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to prove myself to my professors as a smart kid in order for them to consider giving me a higher grade whenever I was being tested.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my professors know everything better than me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed and superior to my professors, whenever I found out that this is not so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ridicule professors by gossiping about them with my schoolmates, friends and family, instead of realising and understanding that I am doing that in order to balance out the inferiority and the feeling of powerlessness that I felt towards them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive/feel like my professors hold my future in their hands, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless against professors and feel like I am left to their mercy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adjust my behaviour in my professors presence in a such a way to get a positive response from them, in order to manipulate them into being merciful and nice to me in terms of grades, so that I wouldn't have to study so hard, but could get a good grade just because they would like me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my professors for my own academic failures and label them as bad professors or boring professors, instead of realising and understanding that with doing this I was abdicating my self-responsibility for academic success due to being lazy and not actively studying.

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