Sunday, 19 May 2013
Day 158: Strangers
Today a stranger approached my partner and me, when we were throwing frisbee in the park. I choked up a little, not entirely sure whether I have ever before met this person. It happens a lot that I want to introduce myself, and then the other says that we've already met, which leaves me in an awkward apologising position. I met a lot of people in my life, because my mom used to bring home new people all the time, and I was a potsmoker for quite a while. Those two things combined result in me not remembering most of the people that I've briefly met.
He joined in and turned out to be quite the frisbee player. He showed and taught us some moves, and we played. All the while I felt inferior and ashamed every time I missed or made a mistake, this implying that I am still subject to desire to make a good impression on others. Incidentally, I talked to another stranger today in a coffee place, and I didn't feel the same energies, I was much more relaxed, because I didn't want to impress that guy in any way, because he was old, his days are numbered and I didn't feel under pressure to be any kind of example to him.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choke up and feel under pressure to make a good impression on a stranger that I meet for the first time. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that I might have already met that person somewhere and that I had forgotten about them, thus putting myself in the situation where I have to apologize to them for forgetting.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I must apologize, whenever I meet someone that I have already met, but forgot about it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel under pressure to leave a good impression and be an example to other people/strangers that I meet for the first time, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating with superiority, because I perceive that I am better than others due to doing process and that I must stand as an example to others, instead of sharing myself unconditionally.
When and as I notice myself wanting to leave a good impression on others and wanting to be an example to others, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am being superior in that moment, therefore I release the trigger point with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards what is best for all.
I commit myself to stopping and removing my desire to leave a good impression on others, on strangers, because I realise and understand that in that moment I am being superior and more than within my perception that I must stand as an example, and am not sharing myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable around strangers, instead of realising and understanding that I am feeling uncomfortable because of my desire to leave a good impression on them, and I have not yet collected enough data on their personality in order to calculate and assess how to leave a good impression on them, therefore I feel uncomfortable. I realise and understand that this is manipulation and self-manipulation, with which I want to make myself appear and feel like more than others, superior to others, which is a mind polarity construct, therefore I release the trigger point of discomfort with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath without wanting other people's/stranger's approval and validation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from strangers by wanting to leave a good impression on them, and perceive/define people that I've never met as strangers, whose personalities I have yet to learn about in order to make them like me, instead of realising and understanding that within this I am disabling myself from communicating and interacting with those people as equals.