Day 163: Food=Love=Safety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have validation and recognition from my classmates and teachers in school in terms of getting feedback from them, which I could use to make myself feel good about myself, and define/perceive myself to be popular, smart, loved by everyone and desired by my male counterparts in order to compensate for the feeling of unpopularity that I made myself feel at home, which I felt because I wasn't getting the recognition and validation from my father that I wanted, which I wanted in order to feel like I have a safe place where I can come and hide in I need to do so in my life, because I perceived that I cannot rely and count on my mother to give me safe haven.

Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I saw that I wouldn't get the desired recognition and validation from my classmates in order to make myself feel good, more than, popular and desired by males, close off from company into my own little world, where I would then read and play games and watch tv and eat in order to escape the reality of this reality, where I perceived myself to be unpopular and perceived by others as a weirdo.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that other people were seeing/perceiving me as a weirdo and a looser, instead of realising and understanding that I had labeled myself that way due to my perception that I wasn't able to fit in and communicate with the cool kids.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to run away from this reality and my self-responsibility within it towards myself and the planet and all that is here with eating and entertaining myself with watching tv, browsing the internet, playing games and working, instead of realising and understanding that I am compromising myself within this pattern.

When and as I see myself wanting to indulge myself in terms of running away from this reality by means of using entertainment, such as watching tv, playing games and browsing the internet, work and eating, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind thought pattern of running away from having to face myself in self-honesty in every breath, and I am using food in order to enhance my experience. Therefore I release the trigger point of wanting to run away and not face myself with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards facing myself in every moment of every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use food as an enhancer of my good experience, because I have defined food to be the ultimate enjoyment in life and an expression of love towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from food within my belief/perception that eating food is the ultimate enjoyment in life and an expression of love towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use food and eating food in order to compensate for the love that I perceived I was lacking/not getting in my childhood from my parents, especially my father, and later in life from my partners.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as I perceive that my partner is not giving me love, because I have defined giving love to be different from what he is showing me, to compensate that expression of love from my partner with eating food and in that way giving myself love, instead of realising and understanding that I am separating myself from love even further by wanting my partner to show me love, which I have built my own picture/perception of through movies and input form my surroundings, and am even further separating myself from love by compensating the love that I perceive I wasn't getting from my partner with food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate/define/perceive eating food with loving myself, instead of realising and understanding that I am separating myself from myself, food and love at the same time within this perception.

I realise and understand that food does not give me love, and that I have been harming and compromising myself by trying to feel loved by eating food, therefore I commit myself to stop and remove all my perceptions of food being a comforter and a giver of love, and to use it strictly for the physical support that my body needs in order to function properly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive love as my partner doing everything that I want him to do, obeying my every desire as a command, hugging me and kissing me all the time, always regarding me when he's passing me, and always telling me that he loves me and that I am his whole world, and always wanting to have sex with me, thus making me feel desirable, instead of realising and understanding that I have built up this perception of love through fairy tales, tv shows and movies and data input from my surroundings, not realising and understanding that within these perceptions and definitions  I am separating myself from love, myself and all that is here into an imaginary mind dimension which can never be satisfied.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resort to eating food in order to make myself feel loved, whenever I perceived that my partner wasn't meeting my standards of behaviour towards me in terms of love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from love within my desire to feel loved by my partner, instead of realising and understanding that I am looking to love myself, and I perceived that I can only love myself through my perceptions of my partner's love towards me, therefore when those perceptions were not met, I would not love myself and would therefore resort to eating food in order to make myself feel loved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to get the love from my partner that I perceived I never got form my father, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a secret spitefulness towards my partner because I equated and perceived them as a substitute for my father, and because I never felt loved and appreciated by my father, I moved those behavioural patterns onto the relationship with my partner, where no matter how much my partner would try to show me appreciation, I would still feel unappreciated, because what I didn't realise was that I wasn't really having a relationship with my partner, but was only mimicking with him the relationship that I had with my father, in which I accepted and allowed myself to always feel belittled, not appreciated and abandoned.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that I have never in fact had a relationship with my partners, but have only transferred the behavioural relationship patterns from the relationship with my father onto my relationships with my partners, thus dooming the relationships to failure, because there was no way that I could ever feel loved within them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from love, appreciation and caring within my desire/want/need to feel loved, appreciated and cared for by my father, instead of realising and understanding that within this desire I am separating myself from myself and my self-responsibility to take care of myself in terms of surviving within this world, and my self-responsibility to love, appreciate and care for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want /desire that I could always rely on my parents/partner for money and shelter, so that I wouldn't have to get those things for myself, because I perceived and defined getting money and shelter for myself and being self-responsible in terms of survival in this world as hard, arduous and unpleasant. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for my parents/partner to show me love, appreciation and care and worry, so that I could make myself feel like I can rely on them in the future for survival without having to do anything in terms of making money, but could emotionally manipulate them into caring for me.

When and as I see myself wanting my parents(mother)/partner to express love for me, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am wanting this because I want them to ensure my survival in the future, within which I abdicate my absolute self-responsibility for doing that, therefore I release the trigger point and thought patterns with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath in absolute self-responsibility towards myself and my survival within this world and manifesting a world that is best for all in terms of helping implement the equal money system.

I commit myself to stop and remove all wants/needs/desires to feel loved and perceive that I am loved, because I realise and understand that this desire for love is my masked fear of survival and absolute self-responsibility, therefore I commit myself to thoroughly and fully investigate and remove my fear of survival thus fear of death.

In high school I was desperate for validation from boys and recognition from other people, especially in my class, but I perceived that I wasn't getting any, so I decided to isolate myself from it, and not look for it, thus suppressing the desire for it and taking on a kind of "fuckit" attitude. I enjoyed myself most when I was alone by myself eating food; that was when I felt happiest and most content and least threatened. So food was my way of making myself feel good and happy.

Eating due to having a fuckit attitude, to compensate for the love that I feel I am not getting from my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel desperate and sad and hopeless inside, whenever I was indulging in food in order to make myself feel better, because I thought that every bite of that food will make me fatter, and give me even less chance to feel loved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always eat with fear of getting fat, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming even more fat and therefore never experiencing that love and being desired by males in my surroundings. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to perceive that I am desired by males in my surroundings in order to be able to validate myself and feel superior about myself and feel safe in terms of having many options of being with many males that could take care of me in terms of survival, not realising and understanding that I am within this running away from my absolute self-responsibility and am reacting in fear of survival thus fear of death.

When and as I see myself wanting to perceive that men find me desirable, and feeling frustrated and angry because I am not able to do so due to my fat body, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that within wanting to be desirable I am looking to abdicate my absolute self-responsibility and wanting to lead a comfortable life without having to do anything for it, therefore I release the trigger point of wanting to feel desirable and the trigger point of frustration about my body's fat with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards removing all thoughts with which I want to abdicate my absolute self-responsibility and having to face myself in self-honesty in every breath.

I commit myself to stopping and removing my desire to be perceived as desirable, because I realise and understand that I am within this desire abdicating my self-responsibility for my own survival in the system and looking to have a comfortable life in a world where people starve to death, which is unacceptable, therefore I commit myself to face myself in self-honesty in every breath and work on myself with self-forgiveness and SCA in order to eventually globally manifest heaven on earth for everyone as the EMS.