Sunday, 31 March 2013

Day 137: Battling others with knowledge



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to prove and validate myself with knowledge in communication with (a group of) people, because I perceive/believe that I lack qualities in other areas of my existence, such as my appearance and academic achievements, therefore I want to balance out the inferiority that I experience towards those areas of my existence with superiority through proving that I am smarter than everyone else. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with annoyance, frustration and wanting to overpower others, whenever I see/perceive that they are participating within the same point, when they talk to me or in a company of people, instead of realising and understanding that I am in that moment attacking myself, because I'm attacking a pattern that is existent within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that the older I am, the smarter I am and the more knowledge I have, thus my worth is greater, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I will make myself feel superior about my age and knowledge in order to compensate for the inferiority that I generate towards myself in other areas of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately go into 'battle mode', whenever I see/perceive that someone is trying to be a smartass, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within my 'competing with knowledge' construct, which I have built up many years ago, when I started comparing and competing and feeling inferior towards my father, who was telling me that I will never be as smart as him. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to win every debate/discussion about and with knowledge, and thus make myself feel superior and more than people that I am having the conversation with, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within my mind's automated mode of operation that I have accepted and allowed to exist within me since childhood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to humiliate people by pointing out that their knowledge is flawed and inaccurate, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to beat and overpower with knowledge people that I react to with disliking them, instead of realising and understanding that I am doing onto another what has been done onto me by my father, who would tell me that I am stupid and that my statements are stupid, after which I would allow myself to feel bad about myself, and now I am trying to get other people to feel bad about themselves in the same way that has been effective on me.

When and as I see myself wanting to participate within a battle of knowledge and information with other people, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I will feel inferior and less than if I perceive that others are stronger in knowledge than myself and will therefore dislike them and want to overpower them, and I will feel superior and more than, when I perceive that I am stronger in knowledge and information than others, and will feel more than within the prospect of me overpowering them and beating them with knowledge. Therefore I release the trigger point of wanting to battle with knowledge with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath within the realisation that battling and overpowering others with knowledge is me creating artificial separation between us.

I commit myself to stop and remove all needs/wants/desires to prove myself with knowledge, because I realise and understand that by using intellectualism and education and knowledge and information I am the creator of dimensions of separation between me and others and all that is here, therefore I commit myself to stopping my own self-accepted creation of separation by wanting to battle people with knowledge.

Saturday, 30 March 2013

Day 136: Fear of break ups



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that my partner will meet a new girl and that they will fall in love, and that he will break up with me, and that I will be left alone, feeling inferior, less than, negative, bad and beaten, instead of realising and understanding that I am the one that is generating these definitions and perceptions about being broken up with, and that whatever my partner might do or say has nothing to do with me. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in violent thoughts such as "I will kill him and do something bad to him if that happens", instead of realising and understanding that I am reacting to my own self-accepted inferiority in this potential situation with superiority as anger in an attempt to balance myself out within the mind polarity construct that I am participating in.

When and as I see myself becoming afraid that my partner might leave me for another girl or whatever other reason, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a self-validation mindconstruct, where I will generate constant fear of being broken up with and justify it with the belief that I am not good enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough and not young enough for my partner to like me, and I realise and understand that all of these thoughts I am generating within myself and then projecting onto my partner, therefore I release the trigger point of the fear of being left/broken up with with self-forgiveness, and direct myself in breath and not allow myself to participate within these self-destructive thought patterns any more.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all fear of being left/broken up with, because I realise and understand that a break up can only affect me, when I have allowed myself to define myself with my partner/partnership, therefore I commit myself to remove all definitions of myself with my partner and within partnerships, and stand as one and equal in breath with myself and all that is here, and not allowing myself to be dependent on another/my partner.

Friday, 29 March 2013

Day 135: Self-forgiveness on ending relationships



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately go into jealousy, whenever I see and perceive that my partner has called another girl, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my partner is looking for a better partner than me, instead of realising and understanding that I am projecting onto him my own construct of looking for a better partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive it as unacceptable to leave my partner, if he is financially supporting me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel obliged to a partner that is financially supporting me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive it as acceptable to leave a guy, when he is being violent and dismissive, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within fear of leaving a guy, even when they are violent or dismissive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify, perceive and define it as acceptable to leave a guy, when I am no longer capable of generating good feelings within myself around him, instead of realising and understanding that I am in that moment completely disregarding the other person as life and looking to satisfy my own energetic cravings for good feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a reaction of anger, disappointment, resentment, sadness and frustration, whenever I see/perceive that my partner is resisting facing points, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire for my partner to be willing to face points in self-honesty so that I could rest assured that I can trust his application and his process, instead of realising and understanding that I am doing this, because I am afraid of him leaving me due to energies, and then I would have to feel inferior and less than and diminished.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define myself as inferior, less than, diminished and overpowered in the situation that my partner would leave me, instead of realising and understanding that I have built this definition/perception of myself in that situation because I would perceive myself as 'not good enough to stick around with'. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define people who got left behind by their partners as 'not good enough to stick around with', instead of realising that within this I am making them/myself unequal in my head.

Thursday, 28 March 2013

Day 134: "Thin equals freedom"



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as inferior, feel negative, less than and bad, whenever I see/perceive that my partner doesn't want to cuddle and touch me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately compare myself to thin women and think/believe/perceive that if there was a thin woman in my place, that my partner would be hugging her and cuddling with her, instead of realising and understanding that I am compromising myself in my own mind by comparing myself to theoretical thin women in my head and making myself feel inferior to them, because that is how I power my mind as ego by feeling inferior to thin women and wanting to feel superior thus wanting to be thin like thin women.

When and as I see myself thinking about how my partner would treat a thin woman, if she was in my place, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, in which I have gotten so used to comparing myself to thin women and feeling inferior to them, that I do not even notice it anymore. Within this construct I will generate friction through comparison with thin women and feeling inferior to them, and then I will think about how to achieve the goal of becoming thin in order to compensate for the feelings of inferiority with superiority about being thin.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all points of comparison with thin women in my head in relation to my partner, my partnerships, relationships and life in general, because I realise and understand that comparison to thin women is what powers my mind and generates energy as friction for my mind to exist as ego within the constant and continuous flow of thoughts from the negative, where I will hate myself in comparison to thin women for being fat and envying the freedom that I perceive thin women have, to the positive, where I will promise myself to loose the weight and gain the freedom that I perceive thin women to be having within their relationships with men and their surroundings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and equate being thin with having freedom, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am less free to do what I want, because I am fat, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to envy and feel jealous of thin women, because I perceive that they have more freedom than me to exist and coexist with their surroundings than me, instead of realising and understanding that I have built up my own perception of not being free due to being fat in my head as a mind construct, within which I participate in order to power my mind as ego.

When and as I see myself longing for or being jealous and envious of thin women due to perceiving that they have more freedom than me, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I have defined thin women to be more free and fat women to be less free in their self-expression, therefore I remove the trigger point with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards what is best for all without perceiving myself as less free due to being fat.

I commit myself to stop and remove all my self-accepted limitations of definitions and perceptions that I have built up in my mind due to being fat, because I realise and understand that I have built up all my personalities with this undercurrent, and that they are controlling every aspect of my life and self-expression.

Monday, 25 March 2013

Day 133: "I'm a freak"

Yesterday I remembered how I always perceived myself as a freak and out of place, always and everywhere, simply for being fat. In my pre-teens I thought that due to being so different physically, my life and behaviour and relationships will also be totally different.
Then through puberty I kind of tried blending in and persuading myself that I am a 'normal person', although I am fat. I was falling in love with the same pretty guys as thin girls, and I wished I could enjoy girlie stuff like playing with clothes, and later manipulating and seducing with clothes, but perceived myself as unable to, due to being fat.
So the process of programming my mind about this stuff went from first creating self-judgement about being abnormal by referencing my surroundings and especially the (anti)social media, then suppressing it and layering a 'trying to blend in and be normal' pattern over it. It never worked, of course, because I was physically different to my references to start with, therefore I grew angrier and angrier.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define myself as an abnormal person due to being fat, as a freak that no one could and/or would ever love, and then I allowed this perception to grow into a fear out of the desire to be normal and be loved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that other people are seeing/perceiving/defining me as a freak and abnormal person, because I was the one that labelled myself as such, and would then project this onto other people in my surroundings. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that no one will ever love me and that no one could ever love me, instead of realising and understanding that this fear is coming from my own relationship with myself, where I didn't love myself but in fact hated myself for being fat and labelled myself as a freak for it.

When and as I see myself perceiving myself as an abnormal person and a freak for being fat, and when I see myself thinking that other people are seeing/perceiving me as an abnormal person and a freak for being fat, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am projecting onto myself through myself or other people self-hatred, which I allowed to fester within me for being fat, not realising and understanding that I can stop and change this experience of myself in breath. Therefore I release the trigger point of perceiving myself as abnormal and a freak with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath within equality with myself without self-judgement and self-deprecation.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my self-hatred and my own labelling of myself as a freak onto my partner, where I would then think/believe/perceive and be afraid of my partner seeing me the way I see myself (as a freak), and would then lash out at him, and demand, tacitly and covertly through blackmailing him that I will leave or violently burst out and break something, for him to show me his appreciation and love, so that I could at least have that from him, because I perceived that I was unable to give this to myself.

When and as I see myself looking for and demanding of my partner to show me love and appreciation, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's construct of self-hatred and self-deprecation, where I hate myself very much, and want to counter it by having my partner show me his appreciation and love so that I wouldn't feel like I am not worthy of those, which is how I felt about myself inside. Therefore I release the trigger point of wanting my partner to show me appreciation and love with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath within respecting/regarding/considering myself as an equal to all human beings and without self-hatred and self-deprecation. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I could never ever love myself and respect myself and genuinely care for myself because I was fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to succumb to feelings of sadness (which I would then transform into anger as to not perceive myself as weak), which I created and generated from the thoughts that "I am fat and therefore no one could ever like me and love me", instead of realising that I myself am the creator of my own experience and that I do not have to allow such thoughts to exist within me.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within myself and then periodically generate feelings of inadequacy within comparison with pictures of thin women, from which I would power my self-hatred and be sad, angry and bewildered as to why I cannot lose weight and why I have to be fat and not have what I perceived to be a normal life.


When and as I see myself generating within myself the feeling of inadequacy through comparison with thin women in terms of how males perceive me and them, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's ego polarity construct in order to keep my ego going within self-judgement and the polarity of wanting to be superior and feeling inferior to other/thin women, with which I generate energy for my mind to survive as ego and am not regarding myself as life in breath. Therefore I immediately stop and remove the trigger point of generating inadequacy about myself within myself with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath within consideration of me as life, not a picture with which I compare and compete with other women for the attention and love of males, because I realise and understand that this is an ego program, an energetic program within which I only exist as energy that needs to win and will also generate energy through feeling as a looser, instead of being here as myself as breath.

Saturday, 23 March 2013

Day 132: The constant search for a perfect partner



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger, annoyance, resentment, frustration and a general feeling of unfairness, whenever I see/perceive my partner looking at another woman, and to allow fear to come up within me that he is comparing me to that woman and that he is not satisfied with my appearance, and therefore he looks at others, instead of realising that I am comparing and judging myself through this perception and also projecting onto him a point that is existent within me, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my partner to other men that I look at, and consider those other men that I have looked at as potential partners in my mind, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within a mind construct, in which I will scan and asses all men that I meet as potential partners and grade them and rate them in my mind from not being interested in them to being very interested in them according to their physical appearance and mind programming in terms of it matching my own mind programming and their financial situation in terms of them being able to support and take care of me financially.

When and as I see myself participating within the mind construct of checking other men and assessing them as potential partners in my mind, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within an automated thought pattern of looking for a partner, within which I believe and perceive that I must always be on the lookout for a better partner, one that would 'complete' me in terms of being everything I want my partner to be, thus looking to find a partner to build what I have defined and perceived to be a perfect relationship, which I know and realise does not exist outside of my mind. Therefore I release the trigger point of participation within this construct with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath and perceive men as my equals and not as potential partners.

I commit myself to stop and remove all automated relationship constructs from within myself, because I realise and understand that within those relationship constructs I am ultimately abdicating my self-responsibility through trying to achieve being in a perfect relationship as I have defined it, within which I can run and hide from myself and my self-responsibility.

Friday, 22 March 2013

Day 131: Mother



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my mother, because I perceive that she hasn't taken good care of me, and that she has been taking advantage of me in order to boost her own ego at my expense, by sharing my personal information that I was sensitive to, with her friends and other people, instead of realising and understanding that I was being insulted, because I wasn't ok with who and what I am, and I was terribly concerned with what other people think of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I must have control over my mother's actions and thoughts, because I was afraid that if I didn't control what she is doing and saying, that she would somehow hurt my reputation by gossiping about me, and that she would do something irresponsible that would affect me in the end. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel desperate and powerless, because my mother wasn't around for me to control her words and actions, instead of realising and understanding that what my mother says and does does not reflect me in any way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my mother, because she allowed her friend to drive her car, which was promised to me, and then her friend smashed it, and my mother is paying it off till this very day, instead of realising and understanding that I am actually reacting in jealousy, because I perceived that my mother would rather make her friends happy and content instead of her children, because her children couldn't just walk away from her if they had a 'bad' opinion of her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive my mother as a weakling for needing other people to validate her all the time, instead of realising and understanding that within this I am judging myself as such, because I was also looking for attention and validation from my friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to control my mother's life, in order to ensure her being a good mother, a perfect TV mom that I could feel safe and secure with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to control my own life through controlling my mother, instead of simply controlling my own life directly without making my mother and other people responsible for the way my life is/was.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to refuse to help my mother with her financial problems, in order to spite her and punish her for what I perceive to have been her indiscretions towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, whenever I remember and talk about my mother's past actions and choices, instead of realising that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I am being superior to my mother through anger in order to compensate for the feeling of inferiority and helplessness and hopelessness that I have experienced in the past in relation to my mother's actions and words and behaviour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to see my mother realise what I perceive to be her bad behaviour in the past, instead of realising and understanding that I want this, because I feel hurt by her past actions and now I want retribution and I want to feel righteous and justified when seeing her cope with the consequences of her past actions and choices.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel resistance and reluctance towards helping my mother by vouching for her, because I feel like she doesn't deserve my help, because she has walked out on me in the past, so why would I help her now?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to get back at my mother and have my revenge on her for her past actions by giving her the same treatment as she has given me in the past, thus tell her that she is old enough to take care of herself and that I am not responsible for her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hatred for my mother, because I perceived that she never gave a shit about me, and has always regarded other people before me in her life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to give my mother terms and conditions that she must follow, if she wants my help, instead of realising and understanding that this is part of my wanting to take revenge on her, because I perceive that she has hurt me in the past and that she was never a good mother, and that she never took care of me adequately, instead of realising and understanding that I am within this justifying why I shouldn't help her have the best life possible based on memories of the past, thus I am participating within a mind construct instead of directing myself in breath according to common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my mother based on memories of past events and experiences, instead of realising and understanding that I am supporting the sins of those that have gone before us and not giving us a chance to forgive ourselves and continue with a clean slate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger and annoyance and frustration and resentment to what I perceive to be my mother's attempts of making herself appear special and more than other people.

When and as I see myself reacting to my mother based on memories of past experiences, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind polarity/memory construct, where I am being directed by definitions and perceptions of my mother that I have shaped throughout my life with her, instead of regarding her as an equal. Therefore I release the judgements/memories/feeling/emotions with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath and not allow myself to see/perceive my mother as anything less or more than my equal.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all my memories and perceptions and definitions of my mother, because I realise and understand that otherwise I cannot perceive her as an equal, and therefore cannot treat her as an equal being.

Thursday, 21 March 2013

Day 130: "I have no time for myself"



I have virtually neglected my process in the last week. I allowed myself to become overwhelmed by a general feeling of wanting some time off, not having to push myself so much all the time. I've had a lot of work, and after I was done with it, I'd skip my routine of pushing myself to also write a blog and read up on other blogs. This has actually been going on for the past two months, where I'd have periods of skipping 2, 3 or 4 days of blogging, because I kinda fell asleep on my laurels, so to speak. I was under the impression that I had made great progress, that I was "different" in relation to my surroundings, and that this was enough. I thought that I had already tapped in to being so equal that I would in my daily participation do what is best for all. And then I failed a test. I failed to effectively take care of a cat that I found on the street in a state of shock, unable to move at the time. I was visiting a friend far away from where I live, when we found it. We took it to his home and had it there for the night, but in the morning we released it into the wilderness where we found it, hoping that it would be ok to take care of itself, although the cat clearly showed to us that it didn't want to leave yet. The back chats that arose to justify it were of the "I am too busy and in a hurry" kind. I had to get home, that friend had to go to work, I don't have my own car, and that friend has a dog, and his family wouldn't approve if the cat stayed, and I have work to do, and I also want some time for myself, and so on and so on. It was simply easier to release it and hope for the best, that it can take care of itself. I am so ashamed of this that I almost didn't write this text. Tried deleting it twice.
I fully realised what I did after indulging in some sweets. There I was, stuffing my face with food that made me feel good, yet I wasn't even able to take care of a cat's basic needs, which in that moment was simply letting it rest and recuperate from the shock in a safe place. Making an effort to make that possible. I failed to take care of a life. The guilt was dreadful. So I'm not that different from my surroundings, am I? Haven't really changed significantly, as I have proved to myself that in a jiffy I'd still choose my own convenience over helping another. Back to the drawing board. Process restart.

Thursday, 14 March 2013

Day 129: Wanting to have a tiny waist




I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have a tiny waist like all the women in cartoons, magazines and movies that I have compared to, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior, less than, negative and bad about myself, because I perceived that I didn't have a tiny waist, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealousof all the women that I perceived to be thinner than me and had a thinner waist, and wish/want/need/desire to have a waist like them. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge, perceive and define my waist as too big, and I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel bad, because I perceived tiny waists to be pretty and I perceived myself as unable to show off my waist as a sexual mating call.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define/judge a waist that has fat on it as ugly, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/judge fat hanging over one's waist and over my own waist of my pants as unattractive and ugly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that other people find my waist to be too big and ugly, instead of realising that I am the one that is defining it as such and feeling bad about it, based on my comparison with the thin women in media and my surroundings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become angry, frustrated, resentful, annoyed with myself and sad, because I perceive that my waist is not good enough to attract male looks, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within a mind polarity construct that I have built up based on pictures of women from the media and the word of mouth of people that said that a thin waist is an attractiveone, and a 'fat' waist is unattractive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive a woman's waist as her sexual attribute, with which she can lure and seduce men, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge/perceive/define myself as inferior and less than, because I perceived that I am not able to lure and seduce men, because I perceived my waist to be too unattractive and big/fat to be able to do so, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within mind constructs of sexual manipulation, with which I keep myself occupied in my mind, creating energy for my mind to exist as ego with these definitions, and disregarding all that is here by trapping myself within this single mind dimension of wanting to have a tiny waist to be sexually attractive in order to manipulate men with sex into providing me with safety in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to check and observe my waist in my reflection, whenever I pass a mirror or a window, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad, less than, inferior and negative, whenever I perceive my waist to be too big, when I am not dieting and starving myself in order to be thin to be able to sexually manipulate men, and on the flip side I would feel goodabout myself, when I would see/perceive my waist to be adequately proportional to the rest of my body and good enough to be able to attract men, instead of realising that I am participating within self-judgement and creating energy through creating yet another definition for my mind to exist as ego.

When and as I see myself having any thoughts about my waist, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind construct, where I will compare my waist to those of other women, and will feel inferior, if I perceive that my waist is bigger/larger/more fat than another's, and will feel superior and more than, if I perceive that my waist is smaller/thinner than another's. I also realise and understand that I am defining waists as a sexual factor/attribute, therefore I will release the thoughts with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

I commit myself to through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application stop and remove all thought patterns and constructs and perceptions that I have about my waist and other people's waists, because I realise and understand that all the definitions that I have built up throughout the years are only perpetuating and feeding my mind as ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous of men with tiny waists, and perceive it as a waste of waist on a man, because a man doesn't have to sexually manipulate with his waist.

Ridiculous!!!

Tuesday, 12 March 2013

Day 128: Self-hatred

Here I start writing out my self-hatred. My buddy mentioned that it has to do with the accumulation of fat, therefore this is a continuation to my series of blogs on being fat.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the way my physical body looks, the way my mind works and my whole being as a presentation of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am a terrible being and that I am not worthy of Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the way I am built, to hate my height and weight and appearance, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop self-hatred as a coping mechanism for my perception that I am not good enough to succeed and make it in this life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for not looking/appearing like the girls in movies and magazines.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my body, because I perceived/thought/believed that I cannot dress the same way as thin girls do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for being lazy and define/perceive myself as a shit that doesn't get anything done, instead of realising and understanding that I am compromising myself with these thoughts/perceptions and actually rendering myself incapable and motionless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my legs, my arms, my belly, my boobs, my ass and my face for not being thin. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself, because I perceived/defined myself to be unattractive and ugly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that no man could ever love/like me, because I am fat, and therefore perceived myself as ugly. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my reflection in the mirror, and be sad and angry with myself for not being able to become thin, whenever I look at myself in the mirror, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to cry every time I see my reflection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge/perceive/define my reflection as ugly, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my reflection and physical appearance reflect who I am as Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overly nice to people as an apologetic move for my appearance. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I must apologize to everyone for having the appearance that I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that other people are perceiving my appearance as ugly and not pretty, instead of realising and understanding that I am the one that isperceiving and defining it as such.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for not being able to become thin, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to become thin in order for my father to approve of my appearance and not pick on me for it anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my father for picking on my appearance and fat, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel desperate, caught, outraged and not loved, whenever my father was picking on my appearance. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be able to develop bulimia and anorexia so that I could loose weight and get my father's approval on my appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to get my father's, mother's, friend's, family's and other people's approval on my appearance, and then hate myself for not getting it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel positive, good about myself, superior and more than, whenever someone says that I have lost weight and/or that I look good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel negative, inferior, less than and bad about myself, whenever someone says to me that I do not look good, that I look ugly and/or that I have gained weight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become angry with my mother, whenever she told me that I gained weight and that I do not look good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally and judge myself in a negative way, whenever someone tells me that I am fat and that I do not look good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seeK/want/need/desire for people to tell me that I look good and that I have a nice body, and then hate myself for not being able to have such an experience, and blame myself for being fat and not being able to hear from others that I look good and that I am pretty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that other people hate the way I look and that I will never be pretty, and therefore hate myself.

When and as I see myself feeling bad because of my appearance and reacting to my reflection in a mirror, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a self-judging construct of the mind, where I compare myself to the ideal woman in my head and am perceiving that I am not 'perfect', therefore I will feel bad about myself. Therefore I investigate the reaction and thought pattern, release it with self-forgivenessand direct myself in breath without emotional reactions to my appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my father, because I saw and perceived that he didn't like my appearance. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that no man will ever like my appearance because my father didn't like my appearance, and therefore want/need/desire to loose weight, to look nice so my father would think that I look nice, and then I believed that other men would also think that I look nice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with incredulousness and disbelief, whenever I saw/perceived that some man likes me the way I am, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start disliking that man, because I started believing that there must be something wrong with them for liking me, and I would start asking myself what is wrong with them for liking me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am so dislikable, that there must be something wrong with the men that like me, instead of realising and understanding that I have created this self-judgement based on my interaction with my father, and that this judgement does not in fact reflect on who I am or what I look like.

Monday, 11 March 2013

Day 127: System Command Lines



I sat in a restaurant in a room with about 30-40 other human beings. The atmosphere was very quiet, only the murmur or irrelevant talks and the clamour of cutlery filled the air. I sat bellow a plasma screen with a still picture on it and some text. Despite the picture not even once changing, I found my glance to be drawn to it in regular intervals. I was annoyed by this fact, so I started making fun of it with my friend. A few people who saw me, found it to be weird. There I was, pointing at an inanimate object and laughing about it.
At some point I became cold, so I needed to generate some heat. First I put my hands under my things, but that wasn't enough, so I wanted to wiggle my feet, but "hey, that's not done, because it looks weird." As soon as I identified these thoughts, I took a deep breath and started wiggling my feet. I knew that there were people looking at me, and I deliberately kept my eyes focused on my friend. I wasn't looking for attention, I was simply cold. In that I realised how placid everyone else is, how there is absolutely no Life in the room. The children at the table across were being shouted system commands at: "Sit down, be quiet, don't move, don't point, don't shout, don't don't don't..." Humanity's system commands work like a charm; no one in the restaurant did anything from the list. If there were 30-40 dogs in a room together, you bet your ass that there would be commotion, playfulness and interaction going on. There would be no "strangers".

I've been away from "my town" for about 3 months now, I've mostly been inside, and when I came back to my old environment, I was almost shocked, when I saw the people on the street. So much fear in their eyes, everywhere one looks, one can only see fear. Fear of other human beings, fear of cars, fear of the weather, fear of being late... there is no Life. Only Fear. No one to talk to, interact with, play with... the Fear does not allow it. The Fear does not allow for a solution to this mess to be born, because it ultimately separates people. And it all comes from those system command lines that we've burned into our subconscious: "Don't get into cars with strangers, they might take you away; Don't be bad, be good, or the police will take you away; Don't take candy from strangers, they might drug you, rape you and strangle you..." Jesus! We're so afraid of each other that we cannot wait to get into what we perceive to be the safety of our own homes, and on the flip side we will do the nastiest things to each other and justify it with the fact that other people are nasty too, because we've learned it from the command lines when we were little. And those "other people" IS US!!!

We've caught ourselves into these lies to thoroughly and completely, boy, it really has momentum. But it can be stopped. Join the Desteni I Process and remove the Fear to learn how to really Live. There's also the freeversion for the moneyless chums that are calling for change. Put your actions where your mouth is, there's no money required.

We've programmed ourselves into our separate little realities, and now it's time to deprogramme ourselves back into reality, so that we may change it once and for all into a reality that is worth experiencing, so that we don't have to run away from it in our minds.

Wednesday, 6 March 2013

Day 126: This is THE SYSTEM



The shelves, closets and desks in the accountants office were full of binders with her client's papers. So many trees have died, so that those binders could be opened once or twice a year for someone to take a glance at the information on the papers. Some papers would never ever be looked at again. It would have been so much more productive, if they stayed in the forest. They'd be producing oxygen and supporting Life. But they are dead and they support the system.

The curtains were yellow and outdated as per current "fashion standards". They reminded of a time, when smoking in offices was not unusual. The synthetic textile has been gathering dust for years. Behind them, on the window shelf, there were orchids and pictures, buried behind many piles of binders with papers; forgotten, meaningless, purposeless. The little oxygen that the orchids produced, went unnoticed by the two tired-looking women, who were constantly browsing through binders and typing information into their computers. One of them had a very dignified look on her face while doing it, like she wanted to cover up the fact that she is a slave to the system, and that she takes pride in her work. The reading and then typing. She would have been so much more productive, if she could stay at home and dig through her garden and enjoy time with her little grandchildren, thus supporting Life. But she is dead and she supports the system.

There was silence in the office, despite so many organisms occupying it. It gave contrast to the artificial noise that the radio was producing. The voices of the anchors sounded happy and light and loud, and they in no way reflected the state of the beings in the office. They support the system by keeping those women  occupied with cheerfulness, while they do their work that supports the system.

The women were entirely oblivious of how they waste away their lives to support the system - every day for at least 8 hours - because as soon as they got home, they turned on the TV, whose job is to keep people oblivious to the fact that they live only to support the system. All those alternate realities of the entertainment industry are way too time consuming and focus consuming, for people to stop for a moment and consider what is here in this physical reality.

We are not humans, we are robots, trapped in a system. Our wish is our command line. We do not want to work, but we have to, so that we can have what we want. And we want the most preposterous things... we want a fast flashy car that serves no other purpose but to make other people envious - in a world, where more than half the population lives bellow the poverty line, and a billion people starve every day.

That's how we support the system. That is how we are the system. Our wishes are the system's command lines that carry out all these programs. That is how each and every one of us individually allows wars and famine in this world. By wanting things we don't need, for which we go to jobs and do work that in no way whatsoever supports Life itself.

Will we ever stop? Will we ever become beings of Life that live and support each other together in harmony
without spiting each other? That depends on each and every single individual separately; to make the decision to Stop being the System, and start being Life by deprogramming the inherent programs in one's mind that automatically make decisions for us and Are the System.

To Free oneself of the System Inside, go to www.lite.desteniiprocess.com. It is free, just like the solution to this World should be.


Tuesday, 5 March 2013

Day 125: Being fat - taking it personally



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obsessively look at pictures of thin women and read up on articles that promise to convey to me effective knowledge about how to loose weight, and while doing so, feel hopeful that I might discover something new that just might help me loose weight without having to struggle and give up food, and then feel sad and disappointed if I don't find out anything new and effective in the articles, instead of realising and understanding that I am creating a whole different world in my mind, where my appearance and experience are the most important thing, because I have defined/perceived looks to be a means of getting one's way in this world, and so I completely separate myself from all that is here into that one dimension of abdication of self-responsibility and wanting to manipulate with my looks/appearance.

When and as I see myself reacting to pictures of thin people and of fat people, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating in comparison, where I will feel inferior to the picture of a thin person, and will feel superior to a picture of a person that I perceive to be fatter than me, thus powering my mind as ego. Therefore I release the trigger point of the reaction with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

When and as I see myself looking for means of effectively loosing weight in articles and books through gathering knowledge and information, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that the limited knowledge about weight loss is not going to make me happy, because that is what I am doing - I am believing that being thin will make me happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that being thin will make me happy, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel/define/perceive myself as unhappy for being fat.

When and as I see myself being/feeling unhappy for being fat, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind construct, where I have defined thin people as happy people, who get to experience themselves/life to the fullest, because they are not limited with being fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define me being fat as a limitation, and think/believe/perceive that I cannot experience life to the fullest like thin people do, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be envious and jealous of thin people, because I perceive that they experience life as more pleasant than I do.
I realise and understand that these are all just definitions of the mind, which I will release as soon as I see them coming up. They are not real, and what I feel is not real, and I will not allow myself to compromise myself and my existence in breath by attaching these definitions to my experience of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for gaining weight, and because of that guilt apologetically explain to other people how and why I gained weight, and within that feel like I owe them an explanation and need to excuse myself for gaining weight.

When and as I see myself wanting to apologize for my weight and talk about it, to make myself feel less inferior about it, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I do not want others to perceive me as inferior for being fat, which comes from me defining and perceiving myself as inferior for being fat, and on the flip side I want to loose weight and I say that I will loose weight in order to make myself feel superior/compensate for the feeling of inferiority. Therefore I release the trigger point with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath without defining/perceiving myself as inferior for being fat. 

I commit myself to through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application stop and remove all of my definitions and perceptions of myself as inferior for being fat, and my perceptions and definitions of thin people being superior for being thin, because I realise and understand that by participating within such thoughts, I am supporting my mind as ego, as which I only perceive myself as a picture in terms of comparison and competition with others, and do not accept and care for myself as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel personally hurt, whenever I see/perceive that someone is making fun of fat people, and allow the backchat within myself of " You don't know what it means to be fat and how hard it is to loose weight, and you don't even realise that fat people do not want to be fat, you think that fat is a choice, when it isn't", instead of remaining here in breath and realising that I am actually judging myself through the words of other people that I heard talking about/making fun of fat people.

When and as I see myself becoming/being hurt by other people talking about fat people in whichever context, and taking it personally, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating in my mind's relationship to the subject, therefore I release the trigger point with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards what is best for me in common sense, without taking anything that is being said or what I perceive is being said personally.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all of my perceptions and definitions of "fat" and talking about being fat, with which I personally connect to the subject, because I realise and understand that I am not a picture, I am life, which is not dependent on the picture presentation of my physical body.

Monday, 4 March 2013

Day 124: From eating to smoking



I forgive myself that I have 
accepted and allowed myself to connect and equate eating with feeling good, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define eating as a pleasant activity that makes me feel good, instead of realising that I am separating myself from eating by believing/defining it as something from the outside that makes me feel good, instead of me being the source of feeling good, within which I believe that I will feel good if I eat, and that I must eat in order to make myself feel good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue eating after I notice that my body has had enough food, because I have defined eating as something that I like and that makes me feel good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive eating food as something that I like above all else activities, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use/utilize food as a treat with which I will make myself feel better, whenever I am feeling down, bad and low on energy, instead of remaining here in breath and realising that by eating to lift myself up, and not because my body ishungry, I am compromising myself and my physical body, which will then gain weight, and I will be stuck in a loop of wanting to loose weight, being hungry, and wanting to eat.

When and as I see myself wanting to eat for any other reason than being genuinely hungry, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I have attached many social and psychological definitions to eating, thus I will be eating not to support my physical body, but to support my mind to exist as ego, therefore I immediately release the starting point of wanting to eat for any other reason that being genuinely hungry, and direct myself in breath towards what is best for my physical body, not my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use smoking cigarettes to compensate for eating food, whenever I want to loose weight, and smoke instead eat, not realising and understanding that I am separating myself from myself and all that is here by wanting to loose weight in order to support a mind dimension of perceptions about appearance.

When and as I see myself wanting to smoke in order to not eat, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that by smoking in order to suppress my craving for food, I am compromising my physical body, and notallowing it to get the necessary nutrients that it needs for optimal functioning, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards giving my body whatever it needs in order to sustain itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy smoking a cigarette after food more than when I am not eating, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define smoking a cigarette after food as a closure to the meal and something very enjoyable. I realise and understand that this is simply a mind perception, where I separate myself from myself in looking for outside sources of enjoyment, therefore when and as I see myself wanting/needing/desiring a cigarette after having eaten, I stop and I breathe. I release the trigger point and perception with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define smoking a cigarette and having coffee during other activities as something that enhances the enjoyment of those activities, instead of realising and understanding that I am separating myself from myself and all that is here within doing so by looking for an outside enhancement of enjoyment in the form of smoking and having coffee, and am not being here with myself, breathing.

When and as I see myself defining and perceiving having a cigarette and coffee with work, watching videos, reading and hanging/talking to friends as more enjoyable than doing those things without a cigarette and/or coffee, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am separating myself from myself and all that is here by being dependent on smoking and/or coffee to make those things more enjoyable for me, which means that I am not the origin and source of my enjoyment. Therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use smoking cigarettes as an excuse within myself to hang with friends and talk to them, and at the same time separate myself from them by having a cigarette as a sort of shield and sign of coolness that would protect me from their bashing. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive smoking a cigarette as being cool, more than, superior and fearless and rebellious against the system, not realising and understanding that this in fact supports the system from the other side.

When and as I see myself trying to hide behind a cigarette, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am separating myself from myself and all that is here and smoking as well, by defining it as a source of strength and a shield from other people, because I think that if other people see me smoking, they will leave me alone, or accept me better, and perceive me as a strong person for smoking in a world that is not too keen on smoking.