Friday, 27 July 2012

Day 21: Moving with the Physical

I have noticed that whenever I go into my mind, and am not breathing Here, when walking, my knees tend to go into doing their own thing and clickety clacking. There's no sufficient direction, as I am not directing them, because I'm in my mind, and as soon as I feel/hear that sound - I'm breathing Here again.

I have started enjoying moving my physical body despite it's 'heaviness' - walking and especially playing hacky sack is fun, enjoyable, it's actual Physical living, instead of sitting on my arse all day and living my head and talking about life with others. I can direct my body due to having released that 'laziness', when one doesn't want to get up from a chair in order to get an item from the table - which was quite prominent within me. So now when I need to move - I move myself fully and immediately.

Even running (something I detested before) has become a great way of getting to know my body and how it works - how I have to move it, to efficiently drop my foot on the ground in order to not put too much pressure on my joints and bones, and I direct this with my muscles. It's a trial and error thing - yesterday I dropped my foot flat on the floor while jumping, the pressure went straight to my stretched knee, and the consequences were not desirable for the physical body. I felt the tremor all over it.

I also still have some problems with running in my head, so here goes:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed and ashamed while running, because I perceive that I look stupid, because I am 'fat', and 'fat people don't run without looking ridiculous while at it'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge/define/perceive myself/fat people as looking stupid/ridiculous while running.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed while running, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how other people will perceive me while running.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that running is not good for me or my knees, instead of realising that when I trust myself, I know exactly how much strain and pressure to put on them while running, and when I have had enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of hurting/damaging my physical body while doing sports, and the consequential doctor/HMO outflows of that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and my movement due to the fear of hurting/damaging my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of rendering myself invalid with an accident.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of having an accident in which I would damage/hurt my physical body and/or render it invalid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for invalids/people in wheelchairs, and think/believe/perceive that that is 'no way to live'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty, whenever I pass or encounter an invalid person, for having a fully functional body, while they do not, instead of stopping comparing myself to that person and remaining here in breath and directing myself with common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of hurting an invalids feelings by having a fully functional body, and be afraid of them judging me for it, instead of realising that I am only judging myself and feeling guilty myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for people, whom I cannot help, instead of realising that I am feeling sorry for them as a superiority act within which I compensate for the inferior feeling of helplessness that I'm feeling for not being able to help them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into my desire/thoughts to help people, instead of realising that I am playing a polarity game, within which I will some day ask their help in return, which is not absolute self-responsibility here in breath.

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