Wednesday, 25 July 2012

Day 20: Self-manipulation & Blaming

Yesterday I was reacting heavily to 'my family not giving a shit about me, no one giving a shit about me', and I looped myself into a stupidity loop for a while, blaming everyone and everything for how I feel about my past, instead of stopping myself and continuing realising my absolute self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger, sadness, resentment and annoyance, when and as I see/perceive my mother/sister/brother judging me together with other people and not wanting to stand up for me, instead of me standing for and as myself.

I became annoyed with my mother and sister going to my aunt's place for holidays, but didn't ask if I can come. That aunt doesn't like me, so they were afraid to ask her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my family and dub them as "pussies", because I perceive that they should stick to me as a member of the family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that families stick together no matter what, in spite of clear evidence that this is in fact so only as long as there is money within a family, and families without money are way less tight and sticking together and standing up for each other, but rather belittle one another in company to make themselves feel important and liked by others within the survival construct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt and betrayed, when/as I see someone not standing up for me, instead of me standing for and as myself within absolute self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect people to stand up for me, whenever I am not there, when I'm being gossiped about, instead of realising that whatever other people say about me doesn't matter, as long as I don't allow it to interfere with me and my self-trust in my standing for equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and be angry with, resentful and spiteful towards my mother for not standing up for me with other members of my family who think badly about me, and with that abdicate my absolute self-responsibility in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have other people standing up for me in company of people who think badly of me, instead of realising that I judge myself through their words, therefore I stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge/define/perceive myself according to what others say of me, instead of trusting myself and remaining here in breath, and releasing any reactions that come up.

Holidays/vacations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the memory of holidays and vacations as a 'special, more fun time' than other days in my life when I had to go to school and not enjoy myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel left out and deprived, jealous and envious, whenever someone is speaking about having had a 'holiday'/'vacation', because I defined 'holidays' and 'trips' as more special and enjoyable times than others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have 'holidays', where I don't have to 'work' and get to 'play', instead of realising that I want to play in a world where people are starving to death, therefore I am not really considering anyone but myself, and am looking to fulfill only my own desires for 'fun'.

I realise and understand that any kind of 'special day' like 'holidays', 'birthdays', 'vacations' and others are simply a separation of the mind - they are not real - they cannot be real in a world that suffers - therefore I remain Here in Breath and Direct myself with Common Sense towards what is Best for All, when/as I am presented with the ideas of 'special days' when in company.

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I have reactions to people doing stuff behind my back - plotting for what I perceive to be their self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally and react with anger, dismay, resentment and annoyance, when/as I see/perceive people in my world plotting against better judgement and common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to punish people, when/as I see/perceive them plotting against me and what I perceive to be common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to change people's directions, when/as I see/perceive them making decisions against better judgement and common sense, instead of realising that I am creating friction with that, because I am not allowing equality, but want to overpower them and prove myself to myself as 'effective'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that being effective means getting other people to see common sense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be seen/perceived by others as 'effective'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'be in a hurry to manifest equality', instead of realising that this desire is coming from my fear for my own survival in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that I won't be able to survive in the future, instead of realising that with this fear I am abdicating my self-trust and my absolute self-responsibilitah.

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