Wednesday, 1 August 2012

Day 22: Deconstructing my 'ideal partner'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful of other people, who I perceive can hide within a relationship/agreement, instead of realising that I am also looking for a relationship/agreement to hide in emotionally/financially. Agreement is just a word. Only self-agreement exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sorry for the 'good times' that I had with my partner, instead of realising that it was all just an illusion of my mind, where I projected my ideal male/myself onto my partner and tried getting him to be as such.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my 'ideal male'/myself onto the picture presentation/physical body of my partner, and in my mind create my 'perfect partner', and think/believe/perceive that he can be real and try to achieve him to be real, instead of realising how I caught myself into my mind's relationship construct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sad, disillusioned, angry, resentful, annoyed, frustrated, when/as I realised that my perceptions of my partner are not real and that my expectations of my partner will not be met.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect my partner to fulfill my expectations of him, which is part of the 'worship me' character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my partner should be worshiping me for being with him in this partner ship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worship my partner for being with me. It's an actual worshiping. War shipping this partner ship into battle with/against the other ships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worship the traits in my partner that I 'like' and that are aligned with my perfect partner/male's traits.

My perfect partner:

has bright eyes, broad shoulders, slender body, is a gentleman, holds me when I want to run away from myself, is smart, is poetic, likes the music that I like, is fearless, gentle, but strong, protects me, keeps me safe so I don't have to face myself - safe - face - lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sexually attracted to men with bright eyes, and define/perceive them as more than and superior within their picture presentation than other people's picture presentations.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be attracted to broadly shouldered men and define/perceive them as attractive and strong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be attracted to slender bodied men.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for my partner to be a gentleman and show a lady the courtesy that belongs to her by the rules of the forefathers, instead of realising how I am creating separation and friction within myself and abdicating my absolute self-responsibility to open the door.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have a partner who would help me either face myself or run away from myself, who would understand me in any mode and character that I would happen to be in.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have a partner who is poetic, because that means that he is intelligent/smart/educated and therefore attractive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be able to 'connect' and create an energetic bond with my partner in terms of listening to and worshiping the same music, so that we could have something 'special' together to differentiate ourselves from other people and feel special within it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be with a partner whom I perceive as fearless and courageous and bold, who can protect me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek protection in relationships with other people, because I do not trust myself to take care of myself in every breath.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust myself that I can take care of myself in every moment/breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to show interest in my partner so that he would show interest in me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have my partner interested in me all the time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire other people's interest in me, so that I wouldn't feel abandoned.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being abandoned by other people, instead of realising that I need to stand in absolute self-responsibility in breath and direct myself with common sense towards what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insulted, when/as I see a man drifting away from me, because I perceive that he does not appreciate 'what I had done for him'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do things for men in order for them to appreciate me, and then feel disappointed when/as I do not get appreciation for what I have done for them, instead of realising my own self-interest for appreciation in the matter.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to feel/to be appreciated by my partner/other people, instead of realising that I am looking for validation and confirmation as a mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire validation and confirmation from people who are seen/perceived as 'authority' in this world, in order to be confirmed and validated by the rest of people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have validation and confirmation from other people about the direction that I am going in, instead of trusting myself in breath and directing myself with common sense towards what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that I cannot teach equality to people, I can only stand as an example of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inadequate, less than and inferior, when/as I see/perceive a man drifting away from me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to hold on to a man, who is drifting away from me in my fear of loss, instead of remaining here in breath and not allowing myself to fear loosing anything, as I realise that I cannot loose anything that is not attached to me physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear of loss, when/as I see/perceive my partner/someone drifting away from me, instead of remaining here in breath and directing myself with common sense towards what is best for all.

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