Tuesday, 3 July 2012

Day 7: Process on relationships - raw and uncut

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and equate having a partner with having safety.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel safe and secure within relationships with men.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for/seek out relationships with men in order to create a false sense of safety, instead of realising how I compromise myself and my expression in order to manifest that sense of safety in a relationship with a man.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care more about my partner than other people, because I am expecting my partner to care more about me than other people, and keep ME safe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and utilize sex in order to convey to my partner that I care about him more than other people, and so manifest an emotional connection with which I would ensure my own safety within this exclusive emotional/sexual relationship in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider myself as part of a unit, when I am in a (sexual) relationship with a partner, and feel whole, as opposed to when I am not in a relationship and feel like part of me is missing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a part of me is missing, whenever I am not in a relationship, instead of realising myself as a whole being regardless of me being in a relationship or not.

Yesterday I fucked up. Being part of a stupid triangle is, well, stupid. I have done my best to not exclude the girl, to include her in whatever circle we're in, but I eventually became fed up with her constant sad face. Sadness is to be written out, and that's it. Not to be used as a manipulation point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to persuade myself that I am sad, so that I could persuade others that I am sad, so that I could manipulate them with my sadness into doing things for me, and claim that "I cannot handle/write this out right now", so that I could keep perpetuating my relationship manipulation pattern with sadness and hold power over people/my partner with it, keep them/him doing what I want them/him to do for me, instead of facing myself, releasing the pattern with self-forgiveness, and directing myself with common sense towards what is best for all

When and as I see myself trying to become sad and manipulate myself and others into sadness, I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to become sad. Instead I look at the point I wanted to manipulate, I release it unconditionally with self-forgiveness, and I direct myself with common sense towards what is best for all in oneness and equality.

I commit myself to expose and remove the manipulative nature of sadness in relationships within me and this world.

We manipulate with sadness to ensure our safety/survival as the mind in the future. We are fighting for our limitations and to not have to take self responsibility. Unacceptable.

We manipulate ourselves with fear of the future and responsibility into persuading ourselves that we love our partner, that our partner needs us, that we need our partner, because we just cannot do this on our own, which is - my manipulation with integrity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself and others into doing what is best for all with "integrity", not realizing that I have not yet cleared integrity for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive integrity as doing what is best for all in common sense, without actually knowing what best for all in common sense in every breath really is. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the word integrity in order to manipulate people into doing what I perceive to be best for all, which is clearing oneself with self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force people into doing self-forgiveness, instead of doing self-forgiveness myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as annoyed, whenever I perceive people resisting doing self-forgiveness, instead of realising that the annoyance is coming from me wanting to be right, and having participated in backchat, where I have "won" and "proven my point", which I am now trying to manifest in reality and failing, hence become annoyed

When and as I see annoyance coming up within me, I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to become annoyed, and to manipulate with annoyance in superiority. Instead I realise that annoyance is a consequence of superiority/in-fear-iority backchat, I look at the point, I release it with self-forgiveness unconditionally and I direct myself in breath with common sense towards what is best for all in oneness and equality


I coughed big time right now, because I am competing with the girl in terms of process, trying to prove myself as better than her, more self-honest, more applying, more worthy of choosing to be with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my process to those of other people, and to compete with them in terms of "who will make it faster" and "who will do more".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate my process from those of other people, instead of realising that mirroring is assisting me in facing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with other people whom I perceive to be in process, instead of realising that everything and everyone is in process, and that I can only do my process at this point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and force self-forgiveness upon others, instead of realising that if I do my self-forgiveness, I can support others directly with my realisations.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to support others in order to be supported myself, instead of supporting myself unconditionally and supporting others only when they are ready to support themselves.

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