Wednesday, 4 July 2012

Day 8: My father's personality in me

In my first Journey to Life blog I commit myself to expose and remove all violence within myself and this world.

Yesterday I allowed a violent outburst into the physical, within which I didn't remember this commitment. The person that represents my partner in this construct that I am writing out, was making pancakes. He was fucking up royally due to never having cooked in his life. I came there with my years of experience, and immediately started telling him how to make pancakes, not allowing him to do the trial and error method, which is what my father was doing to me. If I didn't want to learn how to do it properly from him, and fucked up on my own, I was scolded.

So I scolded this poor guy, and he reacted back violently, which was the consequence of a particular superiority program that I had caused in him due to my self-interest. I realised the fuckup of my thoughts and actions for the past ten days, and I was asking him to correct it, but he wouldn't, as the programming was too strong, and so was my own. We started manipulating each other with fear, and it all escalated to me banging on the table with my hand. In that moment I was so possessed, that I had not remembered my commitment to not allow violence in me, and it played out in the physical. Later I investigated the point, and realised how I was simply playing out the programming that I had picked up from my father such a long time ago.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become annoyed, angry and resentful, whenever I perceive that someone does not want to take into consideration my experiences and knowledge, and feel unappreciated, disregarded and inferior whenever that happens, instead of realising that I am playing out my father's behavioural patterns from the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and utilize common sense, the Desteni lingo and the message of equality in order to enhance my claims and support my self-interest, instead of remaining here in breath and directing myself according to what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with sadness, go into anger and resentment  and feel hurt and betrayed, whenever I perceive that someone is comparing me to someone else, and is saying that the other person is better than me, instead of remaining here in breath and directing myself with common sense towards what is best for all.

Whenever I see myself going into comparison in my mind, I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to compare myself to other people. I do not allow within me in-fear-iority and superiority that stem from comparison. Instead I look at the point that came up, release it with self-forgiveness, and direct myself in breath with common sense towards what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally, whenever I see/perceive that someone is being spiteful towards me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of living on my own again and having to do everything alone again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear and uncertainty, whenever I perceive that someone is being influenced and manipulated by others against me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for decisions to be made in my favour, whenever I am part of a decision that someone else needs to make.

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