Saturday, 14 July 2012

Day 15: "I'll be there for you, so you're obliged to be there for me in the future"

When I was 17, I started my first relationship, that would define me for the rest of my "life".

My first partner came from a very well-standing family, one could almost say "rich". They had a wonderful house with a wonderful garden, a jacuzzi and three cars at their disposal at any given moment. Having come from a very poor family, I immediately latched on to him, and started moulding him into what I wanted him to be, so that I could have a partner to my liking + have all the material security and safety in the world that his family would bring me. Therefore I also created relationships with his parents, who basically adored me for my smartness and helpfulness. They allowed me to drive their cars, use all their stuff, and they even bought clothes for me.

I was enjoying this a lot - I had everything I always wanted - a rich boyfriend, who would keep me safe and secure until the rest of my life.

The only problem being - I wanted to have sex with other people, after the infatuation with my boyfriend died off. I tried ignoring this problem at first, but as time was going by, I was becoming increasingly restless, so I proposed an open relationship to my him. His reaction scared me - he was absolutely against it. So I said "ok", and endured some more of the monotonous life I had with him, simply because I didn't want to loose the comfort of his parents' home, the jacuzzi, the cars that I could drive, the illusion of safety and security that I could perpetuate by simply "being there for my boyfriend".

The car itself was a special point - I liked driving it, I liked being able to get to anywhere I wanted, and not have to be dependant on other people to take me there - and for that I endured in the relationship for 4 more years, before I realised that I cannot lie to myself like this any more and abuse him, just because he was born into a rich family.

Because it was absolute abuse that I was doing: I was using and abusing his emotional attachments towards me in order to be able to use his stuff and live with him, so that I wouldn't have to provide for myself, but let his family do it for me. I knew what I was doing on some level, and I was absolutely disgusted with myself, and couldn't stand myself any more. I knew I was being deceptive and deceitful, but the fear of taking absolute self-responsibility was simply too strong.

I started cheating on him and lying to him, because I wanted to have sex with other people, but didn't want to loose the comfort that his family was providing for me. Within all this - I was blinding myself and lying to myself that I "love" him, and that I'm not doing anything wrong with lying to him. He did find out, and he forgave me, because he was emotionally very attached to me, which is what I was counting on, and supported in him every way I could - I pretended to "be there for him whenever he needs me" - so that I could continue enjoying and using the things that he had. I lied to myself and him quite successfully.

And then I found Desteni. I realised how I was abusing him and myself with all the self-deception that I was doing, and I tried showing it to him too. I tried forming an agreement with him, but our starting points were just too different - my starting point was me/this world, but his was wanting to be with me, and as such he could not grasp or realise the extent to which we were lying to each other, because he wanted to perpetuate the lies.

I realised at that point that being able to drive his car and live in his house in the future is not worth sacrificing my own self-honesty for. Therefore I broke off the relationship, and started to stand on my own and be responsible for myself in this physical reality.

I have yet to completely de-construct the relationship construct in my head, but as for the practical step of taking self-responsibility - I have done it. I stopped the delusion and lie of "love" and "being there for another", so that I wouldn't have to take absolute self-responsibility, but could count on the lie and self-deception of "the other being there for me in the future". Now I am here, and I'm working on becoming the same yesterday, today and tomorrow - as that is where the certainty of self lies, where self-responsibility actually resides.

I commit myself to never again abuse another being because of my fear of not having safety in the future, because I realise that I, here in breath, am my own safety. As long as I don't allow any fears to consume me and take me over - as long as I trust my breath - I am here and I am fine.

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