Thursday, 31 January 2013
Day 102: We lost our kitteh
The day before yesterday was quite a stressful day - we had lost the newly acquired kitty from our flat.
I got up in the morning, at my usual late o'clock. As my partner was leaving for school, I noticed that the kitty, which our flatmate brought home about a week ago, wasn't prancing around and asking for food as it usually did. I immediately felt that stabbing worry in my stomach. I looked at her plate, and it was empty - no one had given her food yet - so it was highly weird for her to not be meowing around my feet. My partner and flatmates left, and I was left alone in a suspiciously quiet flat. I turned it upside down, I went into all the rooms, I called the kitty, but it just wasn't there. I felt like crying. I wanted to go into blame. While I was running around the flat like a headless chicken, the blaming backchat in my mind turned into internal conversations with my flatmates - from angry blaming to calm explaining as to why we're apparently not responsible enough to have a kitten.
All the while I was semi-aware of myself, and slowly but surely it dawned upon me to go outside and look for the cat. It was snowing outside, so when I came out, over me came an overwhelming feeling of feeling sorry for the scared and cold little kitty, who got lost in the big bad loud obnoxious city. I started crying, I was immensely angry with myself for allowing this to happen. I was identifying with the kitten, and my heart wanted to jump out of my chest. I was sooo angry with myself, and I punished myself by going on my knees in the snow to look under cars - perhaps I would find her cooped up under one. I didn't.
I came back home, and on my way asked everyone I met whether they had seen her. The cleaning lady saw that someone put some milk and a towel outside a flat, and some other neighbour saw the kitten early in the morning, but not afterwards.
I tried ringing all the doorbells in our house, but it was late morning, and hardly anyone was home. Those who were, hadn't seen her. I saw the milk and the towel, and hope sparkled inside me that someone was human enough to take the kitty in, so I made a firm plan within myself to visit all the neighbours in the PM's, and find out what the milk and towel were about. As I was walking in and out of the flat, trying to figure out what the hellto do next, I made acquaintances with a very nice neighbour, who invited me in, and gave me the phone numbers of two neighbours, some coffee and a cigarette. After some pleasantries, I went on home to pointlessly worry and perhaps write myself out, but I couldn't. I did some self-forgiveness while looking for the kitty, but I couldn't sit myself down at the computer and deal with my mind fucks, while she was allegedly outside freezing to death. So I sat hopeless and helpless in the kitchen and smoked, when my phone rang. It was a neighbour, who had found the cat!!! I was so freaking relieved.
The neighbour is a cat lover, and she was a bit upset with us having lost the kitten, and said that she had already taken it to her parents' house, and that her father has already fallen in love with it. In that moment I was double relieved - as I still perceived the student bunch in the flat a wee bit too irresponsible for us to keep it.
My mind was for a moment looking for a scapegoat - I was wondering who the hell could have allowed the cat to exit through the main entrance, but I quickly started breathing. I became aware of the thoughts and recognised their blaming nature, and stopped them. Afterwards I came to the conclusion that it was no one's fault, really, because everyone was asleep that early in the morning. The kitten must have fallen out through our broken window that won't close.
Throughout my process I have already dealt with a lot of emotional turmoil with animals, lastly when my cat had to be put to sleep. After the self-forgiveness I was completely stable, and I witnessed it without any major emotional outbursts, but I haven't covered 'loosing a pet', therefore this time I was quite emotional.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself and blame myself and look for scapegoats in others, and someone whom I could be angry with, whenever I loose a pet. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty and ashamed of myself for having lost my pet, and define/perceive myself as too irresponsible and not alert enough to be able to effectively take care of a pet.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about a pet/animal that I cannot find at the moment, instead of realising and understanding that worrying will not improve or help the situation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of general panicking, whenever I loose or perceive that I have lost a pet, instead of remaining here in breath and directing myself with common sense. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself with the pet that I had lost, and make up all kinds of negative and terrible scenarios in my head about what had happened to the cat. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about 'my' pets more than about all other animals, and perceive/define them as special to me, because I am taking care of them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as the owner of the pet/animal I am taking care of and looking after, instead of realising and understanding that the pet/animal is it's own being, equal to me and everything else that is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience sadness and helplessness, whenever I loose a pet/animal or cannot find it, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that the pet/animal is lost without me and cannot take care of itself without me, instead of realising that within this I am making myself superior to the animal/pet and not recognizing it as an equal being but am arrogantly thinking that animals are lesser beings than humans. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define pets/animals that I'm taking care of as special to me, thus feeling sorry and sad, when I loose/cannot find them, not realising and understanding that I am in that moment disregarding all other animals and their suffering in this world and focusing only on one dimension in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define myself as a 'good person' and a 'benevolent person', whenever I feed animals and take care of them, instead of realising that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I make myself superior and more than other people for taking care of a pet/animal, and will define and perceive others as less than and inferior, if/when I perceive them to be acting differently towards animals than me, not realising and understanding that I am feeding my mind energy.
When and as I see myself defining/perceiving the pet/animal that I'm taking care of as special to me, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment defining myself with the animal, and separating it from all other Life, and separating myself in a single mind dimension, thus I am disregarding everything else that is here. Therefore I release the perceptions and definitions with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards what is best for all.
I commit myself to stopping and removing all definitions of 'my pets' from my mind, because I realise and understand that as long as I keep definitions of specialness attached to a single animal/being, I am participating in my mind as ego and disregarding the equality of all beings.