Monday, 21 January 2013
Day 96: "With kind regards, Hilda"
While walking my Process, I was, and still am, becoming increasingly aware of the preprogrammed nature of the human mind. Through self-honest communication, I was able to establish that all minds do in fact work the same, and that we all have the same thought patterns, desires, wants, and needs. We (our minds) are all a consequence of the environmental programming of this day and age, and we all work and act solely based on survival within a corrupted system that does not support what is Best for All.
Through realising and understanding how my own mind works, I have automatically realised and understood how the minds of other people work. I used this to my advantage numerous times, within my own survival mode. I manipulated and deceived - myself, as well as others. It is, in fact, a process, which does take a long time to walk, and I'm still not even halfway through.
The (self-)manipulation and deception carried consequences, and within my best efforts to communicate with non-strangers in my life, I always manifested some conflict or other through trying to make others understand what I had understood about myself in relation to the world, without taking into consideration the simple fact that the mind does not want to understand due to it's self-accepted beliefs and mode of operation. I 'knew' this, but I didn't apply it, because I was caught in my own beliefs and wants/needs/desires, in which I believed that I need to interact with others in order to be 'normal'.
Somewhere along the line I deprogrammed myself enough, and I let go of the beliefs that I am "a social animal that needs to interact with others and that this is normal". I'm quite content with myself without having to interact with others. I walk my process, I amalgamate with myself, and I do not need others to confirm and validate me anymore. Moreover, communication with others, especially non-strangers, has become a tiring hassle. With strangers, who know nothing of me, and have no pre-conceived ideas of me, I get along famously. I stick to common sense, and am always able to within interaction with them come to a point of agreement.
But with non-strangers in my life, it's a whole different story. Since I haven't yet deprogrammed enough, to be absolutely clear and Here within communication with them, I react. I react to the self-deceptive nature of the communication that is going on, and I cannot get myself to convey common sense due to some limitation or other, be it not wanting to insult them or otherwise. Therefore, in past communications, I kept myself mostly quiet. I would let them rant on about how great they are, and I would not challenge them in their beliefs about themselves and the world. But inside I would be screaming, because I was torturing myself with making myself listen to this bullshit, without knowing what the hell to reply without triggering their ego-programs. Therefore, eventually, I took myself out of the communication game with friends and family. I understand that as long as I have reactions to them, I will not be able to convey to them the common sense and what has to be done, therefore I keep myself out of their company, and I mostly focus on my process and work, and I have fun. It's fun to get to know oneself and how one works and how this world works. There's so much to be done that I do not even notice or perceive myself as being 'antisocial'. I like it. There's not much energy involved. Within communication with others there's so much energy involved, that by the time the interaction is over, I am exhausted - simply from holding myself back from communicating what I see, because I know that I am reacting and that they won't want to understand.
When I am forced to interact with people who do not do Process, and are not capable of self-honesty and vulnerability, and are not strangers to me, I have no self-expression. I stifle it and suppress it, because I see the consequences of not doing so. Therefore I like to give them the impression that they're being listened to (a point to write out), to not come off as rude and like I'm ignoring them, which would make them feel negative, as I do not want to make others feel what I do not want to feel myself. But when 'forced' to participate in that ongoing, never-ending, energetic, self-validating ego communication, I am absolutely bored. I usually start looking at insects, because I see more Life in that tiny organism than in the owner of the pie-hole that is talking words in my direction. (I still have serious contempt for humanity, which I need to deal with.)
It's sometimes very frustrating to be able to see so many things, but not be able to communicate about them. So I keep myself at my process, and mostly communicate only with people in process, and now also my newly-acquired flatmates, who are pretty much still strangers at this point, and have no pre-conceived ideas and perceptions about me. I keep communication with them at a level of common sense and realisations, based on personal experiences. I refrain myself from sharing My knowledge and information. They accept me very well.
As for others, I cannot force myself to interact with them on a non-emergency basis, because I simply cannot handle that sort of communication yet. I am not yet able to convey to them common sense, without reacting to the self-deceptive nature of the communication, therefore I will keep myself away from them, until I am able to do so. That point does come eventually - I have already proven this to myself with some friends and family. Tests do come, and I pass or fail them as I go. It's a trial and error method, as this is not something that has ever before been done by anyone or any group of people. Self-honesty is literally being done/walked for the first time in history by a significant group of people, and I am extremely glad that I have the opportunity to be part of it and learn to stand as the change that I want to see in the world.
If my friends and family cannot be a part of that - so be it. Friends and family are merely programs. Life, on the other hand, is something that I have yet to fully realise and understand, but I'm enjoying the Process more than I have ever enjoyed any kind of programmed behaviour and interaction in this life. Therefore I will keep going, and whomever wants to come along, is very welcome to do so.