Sunday, 20 January 2013
Day 95: Wanting to experience infatuation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to get a feeling of infatuation from my partner/men, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to experience infatuation and all the good feelings that I have attached to it, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, within which I want to make myself feel more of myself, feel positive, more than, superior and good within the temporary energetic feeling of infatuation, for which I know that it lasts for only so long, and on the flip side I will feel negative, inferior, less than and bad, when I do not get this sensation from my partner and cannot generate and create this sensation within myself through my partner's behaviour and reaction to me.
I realise and understand that the feeling of infatuation is a mind construct, which enables me to feel better than usual, it is the drug that keeps me occupied and separated from all that is here, unable to take into consideration anything but my own energetic wants, needs and desires. I realise and understand that the feeling of infatuation has been specifically designed in order to keep me enslaved to my own creations and perceptions of myself around another human being. I realise and understand that by wanting/needing/desiring to be infatuated and to see/perceive my partner to be infatuated with me, I am closing myself /us off into an energetic bubble of my own experience, and with this neglecting and deliberately ignoring equality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become annoyed, resentful and angry with my partner, and in turn with myself for being with my partner, when and as I do not see/perceive him to be giving the 'right vibes' for me to generate the feeling of infatuation within myself, instead of realising and understanding that I am in a withdrawal-like state, where I need my energetic fix, and my mind is throwing a fit, because I cannot feed it the energies it requires to sustain itself in my self-created perceptions and definitions of how relationships in this world should be.
Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive the feeling of infatuation to be the ultimate and best feeling that a human being can experience, and therefore always look for other human beings/men, around which I could within myself generate this feeling of infatuation, instead of realising and understanding that I am trapping myself with this energetic passing feeling that never lasts into a slow but sure decline of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blindly chase the energetic feeling of infatuation, and feel more than and superior, whenever I get to experience it, and feel less than and inferior and sad and wishful and bad about myself, whenever I do not experience the feeling of infatuation, not realising and understanding that I am participating within a polarity construct with which I only feed energy to my mind as ego, and am separating myself from myself and all that is here.
I commit myself to through writing and self-forgiveness and self-corrective application identify and remove any and all remaining wishes for experiencing infatuation, because I realise and understand that otherwise I am chasing an illusion, an energetic entity, that I can only sustain within myself for so long, until it wears off, and I have to start looking for it all over again, thus eternally trapping myself into cycles of positivity and negativity, within which I look to remove the negative and gain the positive, and within which I disable and separate myself from seeing and understanding all that is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good, more than and superior to myself and others, when and as I see and perceive that I am able to generate the feeling of infatuation within myself around another human being/other human beings as catalyst and trigger point, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within a polarity construct, where on the flip side I will feel negative and inferior and less than and not good enough around people, if I perceive myself unable to instigate them through my picture presentation and my intelligence, knowledge and information to give a response, through which I will be able to generate this feeling within myself.