Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Day 60: Fear of vlogging/exposing myself

Yesterday and the day before there were demons on the streets of Slovenia's two biggest cities. I'm visiting with my partner in the second biggest city. I was out of milk, so my partner and I went to get some, and on our way to the shop, we had to avoid the demonstrators. There was a police helicopter circling above our heads, and in my throat I could feel the mace that the police used, to break up the emotional hordes of people. I felt like I was in the movie Blade Runner, like I was in a negative sci-fi story, where the oppressed majority is ruled by rarely seen elites that hide in their safe mansions high above the cities. When I was little, I thought that this was fiction, only to grow up into the horrible reality of it all. I successfully avoided this by aenesthetising myself with entertainment and drugs for the longest time, but now I have woken up into a reality that I realise I co-create with my avoidance of it, and it's a bit scary altogether.

As we were walking down the street, we heard people yelling and screaming at the policemen, who are also people, just like everybody else, protecting and defending the rulers for a measly paycheck that is just enough to cover their surviving expenses. They do it in fear of loosing their jobs and ending up without that measly support for survival. Just like everybody else. I had a slight feeling of fear - how to approach all of this? How to make people understand that demonstrations are useless? I -know- how to do this - through blogging and vlogging, but I suddenly had a feeling of 'I'm too small, this is too big'. I am committed to the implementation of the Equal Money System completely and fully, but as I draw timelines into the future, I can only see people fighting me and resisting me due to their egoes - a clear sign that I am fighting and resisting myself still with my own ego. I realise that some day I'll have to become political, I just don't see that happening yet, because so many people are still sleeping and dreaming their american dream of money and safety. I feel alone (inferiority). There is also the problem of me perceiving myself in my mind as some sort of leader, some sort of common sense guru (superiority), because I see that other people are way too limited to realise that demonstrations do not work, and I'm a little scared of the task and not feeling quite up to it (inferiority).

I've been prepraing to make a vlog in my own language about why demons on streets do not work for two weeks now, but I've managed to keep myself occupied with my partner and my own little personal world, and I'm a bit angry at myself and ashamed of myself as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am too small to take on a subject as big as implementing the EMS, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define standing for and implementing the EMS as a big and arduous task, instead of realising and understanding that as I change the system within myself, I stand as an example and need to show that standing with vlogging and blogging as much as I can to shorten this process as much as possible.

When and as I see myself doubting myself about being able to convey common sense through my blogging and vlogging, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that with these thoughts I am only sabotaging myself and my application, therefore I release the doubts with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

I commit myself to blogging and vlogging about all the anomalies of human existence that I see, and within this I commit myself to keep blogging my journey to life as much as I can, because I realise and understand that for my world and the world to change, I must change and stand as an example of that change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to large groups of people and go into fear of their judgement, when and as I take a stance that is best for all, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that no one will want to listen, because I judge people as beings who are not interested in change, only in pointing out problems and being emotional about it.

When and as I see myself fearing people's judgements towards my standing for what is best for all, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that no one has ever judged me, I have only ever judged myself, therefore I release the point of self-judgement with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all self-judgement from myself through writing and self-forgiveness, because I realise and understand that with judgement I am separating myself from myself and all that is here, and am creating friction to generate energy for my mind to survive as ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people might not understand my vlogging, and withing this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself with this fear into not making vlogs about what I see, instead of realising and understanding that with this fear I am limiting and compromising not only myself but all people, because I am neglecting my commitment to life to shorten the unnecessary suffering on this planet and am instead entertaining myself with sex, my partner and other people.

When and as I see myself going into fear of vlogging, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that my mind is set up in such a way to keep this currect capitalistic system of slavery going, therefore I release the point of fear with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people might judge my appearance in my vlogs and within that miss the whole point of what was said, instead of realising and understanding that with such thoughts I am participating within my mind's polarity constructs, where I judge my appearance as inadequate and feel inferior due to it, and then want to compensate for it by getting affirmations from men that I am good looking through playing into the flirting game, and wasting my time, and the polarity construct where I want to feel good/positive/more than when I make a vlog that has a lot of views, and am feeling inferior/negative/less than, when I make a vlog that is not so popular.

I commit myself to stop and remove all thought patterns within myself that I use to manipulate myself into not blogging and vlogging the hell out of this world and spreading common sense, because I realise and understand that if I do not stand up for my world, I cannot expect anyone else to do it.

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