Today I was feeling awfully tired all day long. I didn't go outside any, because I had to do a translation. I was quite distracted all day long with thoughts of my sexual partner, future projections of him coming to visit in the weekend. I wasn't really concentrated on my work, and it took for fucking ever for me to translate something that I normally would have done in three hours. So when he told me, that he might not be able to make it, I went into a reaction, which I felt in my stomach as fear and anger, so I wrote out these:
I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience inferiority and
define it as anger at my sexual partner, whenever I see and perceive that
he doesn't want to come to me to have sex, and that he makes excuses as to why he can't
make it, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to want/need/desire to prove to my sexual partner that I know that he is
talking bullshit and that I know what is going on, instead of realising that
with this I am trying to compensate with superiority for the inferiority that I
am generating within myself because things are not going my way, and thus I am
playing into the polarity relationship construct of fighting with my sexual
partner, with which I am generating friction for the creation of energy for my
mind to survive as Ego.
When and as
I see myself becoming energetically affected by my sexual partner's decisions
and what I perceive as his self-dishonesty, I stop and I breathe. I realise and
understand that by allowing myself to become energetically affected, I am
playing into a polarity construct of my mind in order to generate friction for
the creation of energy for my mind to survive as Ego within the goal of
acquiring my self-interest, therefore I commit myself to release the trigger
point with writing and self-forgiveness and self-corrective application and
direct myself in breath.
I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become scared that I am not
the centerpoint of my partner's existence, when and as he tells me that he
doesn't know if he will be able to visit me, or when he says that he won't come
to visit, instead of realising and understanding that with this I am separating myself from myself and all that is here by making myself inferior and experiencing negativity as friction for the creation of energy for my mind, which comes from the belief "I should be superior to other women in the eyes of my partner" not being supported by my world and reality.
I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and annoyed
whenever my partner says that he cannot make it and come and visit me, instead of realising that I am wanting him to come in order for me to feel good, positive, experience more of myself with him, not realising and understanding that with this I am playing into my mind's polarity construct of feeling good/positive when I'm around my sexual partner, and experiencing negativity and feeling bad and incomplete and miss him, when he is not around.
I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lacking, left out and
inferior, whenever my partner says he cannot visit me, instead of remaining
here in breath and directing myself in breath.
I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that
my partner is lying to me and making excuses and blaming the system that he
cannot come, and that his true intentions are hidden from me, instead of
realising that I am being suspicious of him because I am valuing myself through
his willingness to give me attention in spite of his duties.
I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately be suspicios of
my sexual partner, when he says that he cannot come and visit, instead of
realising that this is me feeling inferior and insulted, because he's not
willing to sacrifice fulfilling his duties in order to come and see me, which
is what I was readily doing in order to see my sexual partner.
I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to readily give up on fulfilling
my duties within the system and compromise myself with this in order to have sex
with my partner, instead of realising that I am readily playing into my mind's
polarity construct, within which I am striving to experience more of myself by
having sex, thus separating myself from myself and all that is here in order to
generate friction for energy for my mind to survive as ego.
I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that
my partner should give me undivided and unconditional attention and be willing
to come and visit me in spite of his system duties, instead of realising that I
am forcing him to give me attention in order for me to feel superior and
wanted, thus I am playing into a polarity construct of my mind, where I feel
inferior if I see/perceive my partner to not be willing to drop everything and
run to me in order to have sex.
I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into fantasies about how
it would be, if I were to live together with my sexual partner, instead of
realising that I am wanting this in order to not have to be absolutely
self-responsible and take care of myself on my own, but within a partnership,
because I perceive such life to be easier than living alone, not realising and
understanding that within this I am abdicating my self-responsibility and inhibiting
myself to take absolute responsibility for my life and the consequences of my
choices, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of taking absolute responsibility for the consequences of my choices, instead of realising that being afraid and worried about them is not going to change or help the outcome, only inhibit me from directing myself effectively through them.
I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up energies within
myself as expectations and projections of how it will be, when my sexual partner
visits, instead of realising that I am giving into a mind dimension, I am
living in the future and am not here, breathing.
When and as
I see myself having expectations and projecting how it will be when my sexual
partner visits, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am
creating energetic yearning within myself, within which I feel inferior and
incomplete, therefore I release the trigger point with self-forgiveness and
direct myself in breath.
I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel crushed and beaten,
whenever my sexual partner says that he will not be able to make it and come
and visit me, and immediately go into inferiority as suspicion that my partner
is not giving me the real reasons for this, isntead of realising that I am
projecting a point that I carry within myself, within which I would lie to my
partner about my true intentions to have sex with other men in order to keep
him apeased so that I could always have him as a reserve point for sex and
protection.
To be continued with me picking up this pattern from my mother.
No comments:
Post a Comment