Monday, 12 November 2012

Day 50: SF on reactions to my sexual partner



Today I was feeling awfully tired all day long. I didn't go outside any, because I had to do a translation. I was quite distracted all day long with thoughts of my sexual partner, future projections of him coming to visit in the weekend. I wasn't really concentrated on my work, and it took for fucking ever for me to translate something that I normally would have done in three hours. So when he told me, that he might not be able to make it, I went into a reaction, which I felt in my stomach as fear and anger, so I wrote out these:


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience inferiority and define it as anger at my sexual partner, whenever I see and perceive that he doesn't want to come to me to have sex, and that he makes excuses as to why he can't make it, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to prove to my sexual partner that I know that he is talking bullshit and that I know what is going on, instead of realising that with this I am trying to compensate with superiority for the inferiority that I am generating within myself because things are not going my way, and thus I am playing into the polarity relationship construct of fighting with my sexual partner, with which I am generating friction for the creation of energy for my mind to survive as Ego.

When and as I see myself becoming energetically affected by my sexual partner's decisions and what I perceive as his self-dishonesty, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that by allowing myself to become energetically affected, I am playing into a polarity construct of my mind in order to generate friction for the creation of energy for my mind to survive as Ego within the goal of acquiring my self-interest, therefore I commit myself to release the trigger point with writing and self-forgiveness and self-corrective application and direct myself in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become scared that I am not the centerpoint of my partner's existence, when and as he tells me that he doesn't know if he will be able to visit me, or when he says that he won't come to visit, instead of realising and understanding that with this I am separating myself from myself and all that is here by making myself inferior and experiencing negativity as friction for the creation of energy for my mind, which comes from the belief "I should be superior to other women in the eyes of my partner" not being supported by my world and reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and annoyed whenever my partner says that he cannot make it and come and visit me, instead of realising that I am wanting him to come in order for me to feel good, positive, experience more of myself with him, not realising and understanding that with this I am playing into my mind's polarity construct of feeling good/positive when I'm around my sexual partner, and experiencing negativity and feeling bad and incomplete and miss him, when he is not around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lacking, left out and inferior, whenever my partner says he cannot visit me, instead of remaining here in breath and directing myself in breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my partner is lying to me and making excuses and blaming the system that he cannot come, and that his true intentions are hidden from me, instead of realising that I am being suspicious of him because I am valuing myself through his willingness to give me attention in spite of his duties.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately be suspicios of my sexual partner, when he says that he cannot come and visit, instead of realising that this is me feeling inferior and insulted, because he's not willing to sacrifice fulfilling his duties in order to come and see me, which is what I was readily doing in order to see my sexual partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to readily give up on fulfilling my duties within the system and compromise myself with this in order to have sex with my partner, instead of realising that I am readily playing into my mind's polarity construct, within which I am striving to experience more of myself by having sex, thus separating myself from myself and all that is here in order to generate friction for energy for my mind to survive as ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my partner should give me undivided and unconditional attention and be willing to come and visit me in spite of his system duties, instead of realising that I am forcing him to give me attention in order for me to feel superior and wanted, thus I am playing into a polarity construct of my mind, where I feel inferior if I see/perceive my partner to not be willing to drop everything and run to me in order to have sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into fantasies about how it would be, if I were to live together with my sexual partner, instead of realising that I am wanting this in order to not have to be absolutely self-responsible and take care of myself on my own, but within a partnership, because I perceive such life to be easier than living alone, not realising and understanding that within this I am abdicating my self-responsibility and inhibiting myself to take absolute responsibility for my life and the consequences of my choices, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of taking absolute responsibility for the consequences of my choices, instead of realising that being afraid and worried about them is not going to change or help the outcome, only inhibit me from directing myself effectively through them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up energies within myself as expectations and projections of how it will be, when my sexual partner visits, instead of realising that I am giving into a mind dimension, I am living in the future and am not here, breathing.

When and as I see myself having expectations and projecting how it will be when my sexual partner visits, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am creating energetic yearning within myself, within which I feel inferior and incomplete, therefore I release the trigger point with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel crushed and beaten, whenever my sexual partner says that he will not be able to make it and come and visit me, and immediately go into inferiority as suspicion that my partner is not giving me the real reasons for this, isntead of realising that I am projecting a point that I carry within myself, within which I would lie to my partner about my true intentions to have sex with other men in order to keep him apeased so that I could always have him as a reserve point for sex and protection.

To be continued with me picking up this pattern from my mother.

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