Sunday, 11 November 2012

Day 49: Self-forgiveness on Sex

Yesterday I wrote out the self-forgiveness statements bellow in a moment of actual physical distress. My occipital bone points started hurting terribly, and I experienced a horrible headache. I knew that the pain was about a point that has been compounding for a few days. I allowed it to compound, because I always found something more important to work on instead of writing myself out as soon as I brought the point to my attention. When the headache started to be serious, I opened my laptop and started writing, and I wrote out the sf statements bellow, but the headache didn't stop, because (although the sf is relevant) I wasn't hitting the nail on it's head, but was banging away aimlessly in the general direction of the nail. While writing, I was also feeling extremely annoyed, because I wanted to fulfil my commitment of writing out the music in my head sf, but due to the headache I was not able to concentrate on that, as I was wanting to write the headache out, as I knew it was about sex, but in spite of writing I wasn't getting any relief. It was late o'clock, and at some point I simply gave up, closed my laptop and went to sleep in hopes of waking up without the headache. Big mistake. I woke up 4 hours later, and my head was pounding so hard that I had to throw up. I was feeling weak and sleepy and tired, so I went to bed again, and just before falling asleep again, the music in my head pointed me into the right direction to write out. I had half a mind to open my laptop and start writing, but I perceived that I couldn't bear to look into the bright screen, so I 'treated' myself with 4 more hours of agonizing sleep, after which I woke up with the headache still waiting for me. After my morning toilette, I started writing and reading the Structural resonance document about the occipital bone point, in which I found the center of the nail that I had to hit on, which was not sex, but relationships. I wrote on that in my daily process document, and I am not done yet, because my head is ever so slightly still signaling me that I am not yet done. I feel a bit feverish and my left chest also gives me a bit of a pain here and there. I will share my sf on the point once I'm done.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive the moments of having sex as more than and better and more positive than the moments when I do not have sex, not realising and understanding that within this I am creating separation within myself as friction for my mind to generate energy for it's survival by me playing into this polarity construct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive the experience of having sex as positive, within which I experience more of myself than when I am not having sex, instead of realising that this 'more of myself' is a point of separation of/from myself, because I have judged and defined sex within myself as more pleasurable and pleasant than other moments and experiences in my life, thus this is a polarity construct within which I feel negative within myself when I am not having sex, and positive/superior/more than when I am having sex. Within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that I am playing into this polarity construct and creating separation within myself and separating myself from all to create friciton for my mind to generate energy for it's own survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word sex within my accepted definition of sex being something that I need to constantly strive towards and try to get as much sex as possible, instead of realising that with sex I am enabling my mind to further separate me from myself and all that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have an unlimited access to sex, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated and annoyed, whenever I perceive that I do not have unlimited access to sex, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have a partner that will be at my disposal to have sex with whenever I please, instead of realising and understanding that within this I am separating myself from myself and creating friction within myself to create energy for my mind to survive as ego.

When and as I see myself desiring to have unlimited access to sex, and becoming annoyed because I perceive that I do not have access to sex, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am craving sex, because I have defined it as a positive experience in which I experience more of myself, because I have separated myself from myself and all that is here through this perception/definition, therefore I release the trigger point with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

I commit myself to stop any and all definitions/thoughts about sex within me, because I realise and understand that sex is in fact a physical act, and as such has no business occupying my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior and experience negativity as a desire to have sex, whenever I am not having sex, instead of realising and understanding that within this I have separated myself from myself and all that is here.

When and as I see myself going into inferiority and experiencing negativity in relation to (not having) sex, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that with this I am playing into my minds polarity construct to create friction for energy for itself to exist as ego, within which I am abusing my physical body of equality and oneness of this earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior towards my sexual partner, when and as I see/perceive that he doesn't want to have sex with me, instead of realising and understanding that within this I am separating myself from sex within my belief that I need my/a partner in order to be able to have sex.
Withing this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to ballance the feeling of inferiority with superiority, which I would excercise as nastiness and sly remarks towards my partner in order to overpower him and make myself feel better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do self-forgiveness about sex with the starting point of showing x how self-forgiveness is done, and of wanting to make myself appear knowledgaeable and superior for having long and deep self-forgiveness, instead of realising that with this I am causing reactions in other people, because my starting point is not equality, but wanting to be superior, which is friction for my mind to generate energy to survive as ego.

When and as I see myself doing sf in front of others, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that doing sf in front of others is an ego point, therefore I simply write them in my jtl blog and share like that.

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