Friday, 9 November 2012

Day 48: Music in my head

I started dealing with the music in my head a few days ago, when I was walking with the dog. I've been increasingly enjoying physical moving lately, but when I noticed that I play music in my head while walking, I became annoyed, beacuse I wasn't fully here. I started doing self-forgiveness while walking, and I've realised many things, for instance about how we define and perceive any kind of movement to be unpleasant in some way, therefore we need to entertain ourselves with music or give ourselves pace with the rhythm, either from an ipod or by simply playing it to ourselves in our heads. It ballances out the definitions of "bad"that we've attached to moving, it makes it more "fun" and "bareable".
So the first day I did my self-forgiveness, but the music wouldn't stop. I managed to stop it by holding my breath for a while, and there was silence and I could hear my surroundings, but as soon as I would start breathing again, the music would be back. So I decided to try ignoring it, maybe it would go away, lol. It kindly wouldn't.
While walking the next day, I noticed it again. It was just as loud and obnoxious as before, and I simply couldn't get rid of it, no matter how many definitions and perceptions I released with self-forgiveness. Then I realised that I was playing the music in my head, so that I wouldn't have to face myself in every moment, because as soon as I'd stop doing my self-forgiveness, the music would return - a thought would come up, and then I'd start playing the music in my head. Therefore I supported myself with a commitment to next time stop and investigate the thoughts that I'm suppressing and hiding from myself with music, and walked on. It wasn't long before I caught myself playing a song in my head again, and this time I stopped and I breathed. I identified the thought and applied self-forgiveness on it.
Today I was yet again fascinated with things, because I forgave myself for entertaing myself with a certain song in my mind, which then stopped playing, lol, but then my mind chose another one in order to keep playing music. This time I looked at all the opinions I have on this particular piece of music, and from there I went on and expanded my self-forgiveness towards my behaviour towards and within music in general. Still not done. Tomorrow I'll share some self-forgiveness on the subject. This is a big point for me, because I was born into a musical family and i've been programming myself with it and escaping myself with it since almost the begining of my life, this is going to be extensive.

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