Sunday, 4 November 2012
Day 44: Templated self-forgiveness does not work
I am at a point where I am restarting process again, this time with a clarity that I never had before. Smoking weed for ten years almost every day has left its toll. I am a bit shaky in my application, because I've never applied myself for real before. There were a lot of smoke and mirrors involved in my application before, and I have rendered myself into one who is 'late'. Late in terms of having looped so much, that I've almost missed the train and lost myself. Not fun.
I try to be indifferent towards the weed smokers and alcohol drinkers in my vicinity, as to not come off as superior to them for having quit both (which I obviously still have to write out, lol), but I cannot deny that the joy of knowing and facing oneself in ful awareness and not wanting to run away from self with substances is indescribable.
I have walked the 21 days, and during this period I have found myself in situations where I could easily get stoned and drunk, but I didn't feel the need. In the first week of quitting weed I regained myself again in a moment of having nearly lost myself... I was feeling almost depressed and extremely anxious, and that day I wrote and wrote and wrote... until I brought myself Here again, and felt the joy of self-certainty that I've never felt before. I started publishing my Journey to Life blogs again, and slowly but surely a big change occured in my application of self-forgiveness, which was also a consequence of having re-started reading Heaven's, Creation's and Earth's JTL blogs from the beginning again - this time with awareness and concentrating on every statement. It wasn't easy - I would get sooo tired sooo easily, and my mind would try to occupy me with random thoughts. I had to stop reading the blog, write out the point that my mind threw at me, and get back to reading. Then I'd get another batch of thoughts thrown at, I'd stop again, write them out, get back to reading... and slowly but surely my application of self-forgiveness changed, as reading the Heaven's journey to Life has clarified and made me realise how I create separation as friction within myself to generate energy for the mind. My statements went from having almost no direction, and having only knowledge and information as a compas, to me being the starting point and origin of my application.
I realised that templated self-forgiveness does not work, as there is no template to how I allowed myself to build myself up. We all work the same, yes, but it is still an individual process in which each has to find the specific points within self, and I cannot use knowledge and information to get there, but actual self-investigation.
I find nothing impossible or hard anymore. All it takes is time, everything else is only a perception or definition of my mind, and I do not allow myself to manipulate myself with the statement "it's hard or impossible right now".