Wednesday, 14 November 2012

Day 51: Fear of losing my sexual partner


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into ultimate fear when/as my sexual partner does not pick up the phone or replies to my messages, which stems from fear that he found somebody else and doesn't want to be with me anymore, instead of realising and understanding that I am validating myself through my perception of my partner wanting to be with me or not, not realising and understanding that I am playing into the relationship polarity construct of the mind, where I will feel good, if he wants to be with me, and feel bad if he doesn't want to be with me. I realise and understand that with participating in this construct, I am separating myself from myself and all that is here, and generating friction for the creation of energy for my mind to survive as ego.

When and as I see myself going into fear about loosing my sexual partner, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that this fear is my mind fearing that it will loose a point with with which to define itself as ego through superiority and inferiority, therefore I release the trigger point of the fear with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

I commit myself to stop defining myself with and through my sexual partner and my relationship with him, as I realise and understand that I do not need him to survive, only my mind does.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become worried that my sexual partner doesn't like me anymore, when he is not answering his phone or answering to my messages, instead of realising that I am fearing loosing having sex with him and having someone to cuddle with in the future, not realising and understanding that this is a polarity construct of my mind, in which I will feel good, when I talk to my partner, because with that I am making sure that he likes me and will want to stay with me, and I will feel bad, whenever I percieve that he doesn't want to talk to me, because I perceive that it means that he doesn't like me anymore, therefore I start fearing that I might loose him. I realise and understand that by worrying about 'loosing my partner' (when he is not there for me to communicate with) I am separating myself from myself by judging myself asnot being good enough and believing that he is perceiving me this way, thus experiencing negativity and inferiority as unhappiness and fear of not being able to have sex with him in the future, for which I will want to compensate with superiority as anger at some point, to generate friction within myself to create energy for my mind to keep existing as ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to keep my sexual partner happy and satisfied and appeased in order for me to be able to always have him as a reserve point for sex and protection, in case I do not find anything that I would perceive as "better" than him, instead of realising and understanding that with this behaviour/thoughts I am separating myself from myself and all that is here, I am creating friction within myself and between us and I am creating energy for my mind to keep existing as ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to talk to/have conversations with my sexual partner from the starting point of making sure that he still likes me in order to make sure within myself that he will remain my reserve point for sex and protection, instead of realising that I am playing into my mind's polarity construct, within which I will experience negativity through judging myself as 'not good enough for him' and feel inferior and less than, when he doesn't respond in our conversations the way I would want him to in order to feel sure that he will remain my reserve point for sex and protection, and on the flip side I will experience more of myself as positivity and feel superior and more than, when he does repsond the way I want him to in order to feel secure that he still likes me and will remain a reserve point of sex and protection for me. I realise and understand that by playing into this construct with these thoughts and behaviour - I am compromising myself and our participation together, because it is not based in equality within breath, but in fear of loss of sex and protection, which are energies of my mind as ego. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of 'being alone' in terms of not having a reserve point for sex and protection in/as my sexual partner, instead of realising that I was and am always alone within and as myself, and this fear is only my mind fearing loosing a point with which to define itself and with which to create energy for itself to survive as ego, which is an energetic point in itself.

When and as I see myself going into fear of loosing my sexual partner as a (reserve) point for sex and protection, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that by participating in this fear, I am compromising andabusing my physical body of oneness and equality, by separating myself within myself through self-judgement and creating in fear iority as friction within myself to power my mind with energy to survive as ego, therefore I release the trigger point of this fear with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

I commit myself to through writing and self-corrective application stop and remove any and all points of my mind's dependency on my sexual partner, because I realise and understand that I do not need to be dependent on a sexual partner to stand within and as myself in breath in equality with myself and all that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with my (sexual) partner for the attention and approval of our friends/parents/people we know together/groups that we participate in together, instead of realising that I am compromising myself and our participation together with this, because I am wanting to experience more of myself as positivity by generating friction within myself as the desire for superiority over my partner and the desire to be acknowledged by others as superior/equal to my partner and fear of being perceived as inferior/less than my partner, not realising and understanding that with this I am separating myself from myself and all that is here and creating energy for my mind to survive as ego, thus I am playing into a polarity construct of my mind, where I will feel superior if I perceive that I get more attention/approval from others than my partner, and feel inferior if/when I perceive that I am getting less attention/approval from others than my partner. I realise and understand that by comparing myself to my sexual partner, I am compromising myself by judging myself, within which I separate myself from myself and all that is here into a mind dimension, therefore when and as I see myself comparing to my partner in any way, I stop and I breathe - I release the point ofcomparison with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

I commit myself to through writing and self-corrective application stop and remove all comparison and competition within myself, because I realise and understand that by competing and comparing I create friction within myself to create energy for my mind to survive as ego, and within that I am separating myself from my physical body of oneness and equality and abusing it to create energy, as well as separate myself from all that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at my sexual partner, whenever I see/perceive that he is doing something else than what he told me he is doing, instead of realising that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct, within which I will experience negativity (when/as I perceive that he is lying to me and not telling me the truth about what he is doing) by separating myself from myself through juding myself as not being perceived as trustworthy by my partner and validating myself through this self-created perception of how my partner is perceiving me, and I will make myself feel inferior - create friction within myself to power my mind with energy to survive as ego. On the other side of the construct I will experience positivity, when I see/perceive that my partner told me the truth, by separating myself from myself and all that is here through feeling superior/more than, and validate myself through this self-created perception that I am being perceived as trustwhorthy by my partner, within which I will create a 'special relationship' between us in my mind with the perception that I can have more 'trust' within my relationship with my sexual partner than with other people, not realising and understanding that by participating in this construct, I am supporting and enforcing inequality and separation within myself and in this world.

When and as I see myself reacting positive or negative within a point of 'trust' towards my sexual partner/friends/family/people that I have defined as 'more than others' in my world, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that by participating with such thoughts, I am separating myself from myself and all that is here by creating a point of 'specialness' and 'superiority' of those people above other people in this world, with which I create friction in order to feed my mind energy to survive as ego, therefore I release the trigger point with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

I commit myself to through writing and self-corrective application stop and remove any and all definitions of 'trust' with other people that I have, as I realise and understand that 'trust' between me and others is a point of separation through which I make myself feel inferior and/or superior to feed my mind as ego, and it is the cause of the abuse caused with/through secrecy in this world. I also realise and understand that self-trust in directing myself in breath is the only valid point of trust in this existence.

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