Day 21: Moving with the Physical

I have noticed that whenever I go into my mind, and am not breathing Here, when walking, my knees tend to go into doing their own thing and clickety clacking. There's no sufficient direction, as I am not directing them, because I'm in my mind, and as soon as I feel/hear that sound - I'm breathing Here again.

I have started enjoying moving my physical body despite it's 'heaviness' - walking and especially playing hacky sack is fun, enjoyable, it's actual Physical living, instead of sitting on my arse all day and living my head and talking about life with others. I can direct my body due to having released that 'laziness', when one doesn't want to get up from a chair in order to get an item from the table - which was quite prominent within me. So now when I need to move - I move myself fully and immediately.

Even running (something I detested before) has become a great way of getting to know my body and how it works - how I have to move it, to efficiently drop my foot on the ground in order to not put too much pressure on my joints and bones, and I direct this with my muscles. It's a trial and error thing - yesterday I dropped my foot flat on the floor while jumping, the pressure went straight to my stretched knee, and the consequences were not desirable for the physical body. I felt the tremor all over it.

I also still have some problems with running in my head, so here goes:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed and ashamed while running, because I perceive that I look stupid, because I am 'fat', and 'fat people don't run without looking ridiculous while at it'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge/define/perceive myself/fat people as looking stupid/ridiculous while running.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed while running, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how other people will perceive me while running.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that running is not good for me or my knees, instead of realising that when I trust myself, I know exactly how much strain and pressure to put on them while running, and when I have had enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of hurting/damaging my physical body while doing sports, and the consequential doctor/HMO outflows of that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and my movement due to the fear of hurting/damaging my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of rendering myself invalid with an accident.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of having an accident in which I would damage/hurt my physical body and/or render it invalid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for invalids/people in wheelchairs, and think/believe/perceive that that is 'no way to live'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty, whenever I pass or encounter an invalid person, for having a fully functional body, while they do not, instead of stopping comparing myself to that person and remaining here in breath and directing myself with common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of hurting an invalids feelings by having a fully functional body, and be afraid of them judging me for it, instead of realising that I am only judging myself and feeling guilty myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for people, whom I cannot help, instead of realising that I am feeling sorry for them as a superiority act within which I compensate for the inferior feeling of helplessness that I'm feeling for not being able to help them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into my desire/thoughts to help people, instead of realising that I am playing a polarity game, within which I will some day ask their help in return, which is not absolute self-responsibility here in breath.

Day 20: Me in the eyes of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life according to what I perceive others expect of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow my perceptions of the opinions and perspectives of others to influence me to such an extent where I am completely diminished to a state of fulfilling opinions and perspectives that I perceive others have of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to validate myself with my perceptions of other people's views and perspectives of me in order to make myself feel superior and wanted/accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about myself, inferior, less than, scared, angry and confused, when/as I see/perceive that other people think badly of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about myself, superior, more than, proud, excited and happy, when/as I see/perceive that other people have good opinions about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for others to have a good opinion about me, instead of realising that I want others to like me so that they would want to help me in the future - it's my survival construct, relationships that I am forming in my head with people, so that I would not have to stand as absolute self-responsibility.

I realise and understand that when/as I want/need/desire others to like me and have a good opinion about me - it is because I am not standing as absolute self-responsibility, but am 'counting on others in the future to assist/support me'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect/want/need/desire/believe/think that other people in this world should support me and assist me, instead of realising that within that I am abdicating my absolute self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always look for someone who I could 'share the burden of life' with, instead of realising that Life is not a burden, when walked in Breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive living in this capitalistic system as a burden, instead of realising that I am responsible for the burden that I created for myself and this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to make people/my partner feel good about themselves in order for them to like hanging with me, so that I could count on them in the future for survival, instead of standing within absolute self-responsibility in breath and directing myself with common sense towards what is best for all.

Day 20: Manipulating with knowledge and information

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate people in my surroundings with knowledge for my self interest, and persuade them with knowledge that came outside of myself - from a 'higher source/authority', be it spiritual or scientific - into doing things or not doing things, and act to be all excited about knowledge in order to get people to like me for being smart and educated, so that I could manipulate them into my self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to convey knowledge to people, and persuade them to look at the body of knowledge that I have looked at and stored as memories in my mind,  in order to be able to manipulate them with the knowledge, win over them, overpower them and basically 'drag them to my level in order to be able to beat them with experience'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to tease people in order to get them to do something, manipulate them into doing as I say, instead of realising that I am playing an energetic game, which causes friction and inequality.

I commit myself to whenever I am in company, I stick to my breath and direct myself with common sense within it. If I cannot do that, I remove myself and write myself out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use parts of conversations that happened in the past with a specific person when we are both in company together, as "code" to convey a point within the oblivious company's conversation, and with this create an air of secrecy between me and the specific person within the oblivious company. I realise that this is separation that I am doing, using "code" in order to manipulate another into doing as I say for my own self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger, dismay and resentment, when/as I see/perceive someone using code and spiteful laughing to manipulate another, when I perceive that they see a mutual point within secrecy with the other, instead of realising that I am taking it personal, which means that I have a personal agenda, which I must stop immediately and take full self-responsibility in the moment in breath and direct myself with common sense towards what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally and react with anger and general superiority towards my partner, when/as I see/perceive him being manipulated by a third party into decisions that affect me, instead of realising that I am manipulating myself into a bad mood instead of remaining here in breath and directing myself with common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the behaviour and actions of other people in my world personally, and react to them with thoughts, feelings and emotions, instead of remaining here in breath, in absolute self-responsibility and directing myself with common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame other people, their behaviour and actions, for the way that I experience myself, instead of taking absolute self-responsibility and directing myself with common sense in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the decisions of others personally, even when they do affect me, instead of remaining here in breath and directing myself and my world with common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of addressing a point of manipualtion outside of myself and be afraid to stand up against it, when/as I am personally involved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of standing up for myself and my equality within a group, instead of realising that I am compromising myself and my self-responsiblity by doing so.

I commit myself to stand up for myself, when/as I see abuse going on within my world to/towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of the reactions of other people, when/as I am about to call them out on their self-deception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to call out other people on their self-deception, instead of realising that I create friction with that and am not being equal, but an accuser.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accuse other people for doing something, instead of realising that what I accuse - comes from myself, therefore I stop the point within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of other people ruining my plans, instead of realising that my plans are of the mind, not me directing myself within breath, therefore I stop planning things, and direct myself within the moment in breath.

Day 20: Self-manipulation & Blaming

Yesterday I was reacting heavily to 'my family not giving a shit about me, no one giving a shit about me', and I looped myself into a stupidity loop for a while, blaming everyone and everything for how I feel about my past, instead of stopping myself and continuing realising my absolute self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger, sadness, resentment and annoyance, when and as I see/perceive my mother/sister/brother judging me together with other people and not wanting to stand up for me, instead of me standing for and as myself.

I became annoyed with my mother and sister going to my aunt's place for holidays, but didn't ask if I can come. That aunt doesn't like me, so they were afraid to ask her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my family and dub them as "pussies", because I perceive that they should stick to me as a member of the family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that families stick together no matter what, in spite of clear evidence that this is in fact so only as long as there is money within a family, and families without money are way less tight and sticking together and standing up for each other, but rather belittle one another in company to make themselves feel important and liked by others within the survival construct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt and betrayed, when/as I see someone not standing up for me, instead of me standing for and as myself within absolute self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect people to stand up for me, whenever I am not there, when I'm being gossiped about, instead of realising that whatever other people say about me doesn't matter, as long as I don't allow it to interfere with me and my self-trust in my standing for equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and be angry with, resentful and spiteful towards my mother for not standing up for me with other members of my family who think badly about me, and with that abdicate my absolute self-responsibility in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have other people standing up for me in company of people who think badly of me, instead of realising that I judge myself through their words, therefore I stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge/define/perceive myself according to what others say of me, instead of trusting myself and remaining here in breath, and releasing any reactions that come up.

Holidays/vacations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the memory of holidays and vacations as a 'special, more fun time' than other days in my life when I had to go to school and not enjoy myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel left out and deprived, jealous and envious, whenever someone is speaking about having had a 'holiday'/'vacation', because I defined 'holidays' and 'trips' as more special and enjoyable times than others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have 'holidays', where I don't have to 'work' and get to 'play', instead of realising that I want to play in a world where people are starving to death, therefore I am not really considering anyone but myself, and am looking to fulfill only my own desires for 'fun'.

I realise and understand that any kind of 'special day' like 'holidays', 'birthdays', 'vacations' and others are simply a separation of the mind - they are not real - they cannot be real in a world that suffers - therefore I remain Here in Breath and Direct myself with Common Sense towards what is Best for All, when/as I am presented with the ideas of 'special days' when in company.

--

I have reactions to people doing stuff behind my back - plotting for what I perceive to be their self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally and react with anger, dismay, resentment and annoyance, when/as I see/perceive people in my world plotting against better judgement and common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to punish people, when/as I see/perceive them plotting against me and what I perceive to be common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to change people's directions, when/as I see/perceive them making decisions against better judgement and common sense, instead of realising that I am creating friction with that, because I am not allowing equality, but want to overpower them and prove myself to myself as 'effective'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that being effective means getting other people to see common sense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be seen/perceived by others as 'effective'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'be in a hurry to manifest equality', instead of realising that this desire is coming from my fear for my own survival in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that I won't be able to survive in the future, instead of realising that with this fear I am abdicating my self-trust and my absolute self-responsibilitah.

Day 19: Releasing the blame

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame people in my environment, my partner, my friends, my parents/family/sister/brother, policemen, firemen, doctors, lawyers, politicians and myself for not taking direct immediate responsibility for the fuckup in the world, but giving into mindfucks in spite of the painful common sense being presented by me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into frustration, resentment and annoyance (that come from my ego's expectations not being met) towards people in my environment, whenever I am presenting what I perceive as common sense that I perceive is not being understood/heard, instead of realising that I am in the 'saviour of the world' character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a 'saviour of the world' character when I was little, when I looked at this world, the state that it is in, and started wanting/needing/desiring to have some sort of superpower to be able to save it. When I realised that I can only do so much, I started telling other people that if we all just do so much, we will have accomplished something, and integrated that as part of my ego to make myself feel superior and more than others who do nothing for the world despite the state that it is in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for other people to see me as a saviour, so that I could feel good about myself and superior to other people, because my mother always wanted me to be something more, and was telling me about my superior abilities, which was total mind created bullcrap.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother for me developing a saviour of the world character within myself, instead of taking full responsibility for all my mental constructs, and not taking any shit from myself in the form of blaming other people for them.

I realise and understand that I cannot and may not blame other people for the way I am experiencing myself. When and as I see myself going into blame and wanting to blame someone other than myself or myself, I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to go into blame. Instead I look at the point I wanted to blame, I release it with self-forgiveness, and I direct myself with common sense towards what is best for all.

I blame a friend a lot for not wanting to get a job and take care of himself, but rather hangs on his gf as a parasite. He comes around and I waste time with him, thinking that I can talk some sense into him, and then I blame him for wasting my time when I fail, because I cannot talk common sense to him - I know this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame anyone in my vicinity for 'wasting my time', when in fact it is I that decides what I do with my time, no matter how limited by the system it may seem to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my friends, whom I perceive not taking absolute self-responsibility, instead of realising that I myself am still not taking absolute self-responsibility, and have no right to demand it of them.

Blame towards my partner:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner for not wanting to take absolute self-responsibility and stand within what I perceive to be common sense, instead of realising that I am still giving into the relationship construct, within which I need someone to stand beside me and do the same thing that I do, so I would feel fulfilled and appreciated.

I commit myself to stop the relationships within and as myself, and stand within and as absolute self-responsibility.

I realise that all relationships of superiority/inferiority/neutrality are a fuckup, with which I create separation within my mind as a specific character for a specific person in my world - and so I create the separation to/of 'strangers' as people who I have not yet met in my life/world, and people whom I already know and have a specific character/personality for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner for having private conversations and making plans without me behind my back, instead of realising that I am feeling inferior to him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to my partner and the relationships he has in his world, instead of realising that I myself am here, self-responsible, breathing, not dependant on what my partner is doing with other people.

I realise and understand that I cannot want/need/desire to influence my partner or anyone else in the world, as this is an energetic fuckup, and will as such create resonant consequences of separation and inequality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to influence my partner and other people in my world to take absolute self-responsibility, instead of taking absolute self-responsibility myself with writing and self-forgiveness, as that is the only influence I have on myself and my world, within which I can only stand as an example of abdicating one's wants/needs/desires to create a world that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire to assist people to stop their minds and release their mindfucks, instead of me doing it myself for myself and not blaming other people for not wanting to do it, as I realise that with blame I will only create more friction and separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into reactions of anger, resentment, annoyance and frustration, and consequentially allow myself to blame whenever I see/perceive someone not taking responsibility for something, instead of looking what I'm reacting to and releasing it from myself.

I commit myself to expose and remove all blame towards others and take full self-responsibility for my world.

Day 18: Agreement revisited

Yesterday my agreement partner and I re-visited practical common sense and re-formed our practical agreement to support each other in deprogramming sex and do process together in general for the next two months, until he goes for studies. The goal is to develop our self-directive principles and expand in order to better understand ourselves, this existence, become more effective human beings and stand as examples of change for other people to start doing the same.

I commit myself to use this agreement to it's fullest extent and deprogram myself as much as I can within the next two months.

Day 17: Sex manipulation in relationships = indirect whoring

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to persuade my partner/men into having sex with me, so that I could get validation from him/them as being good at sex and with that bind him/them to myself, because of my belief that men always think about sex, are obsessessed with sex, and therefore my way to safety and comfort in the future in a partnership with them is through sex.

I realise that I cannot and may not use and utilize manipulation with sex to be able to abdicate my absolute self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to persuade myself and others that "I love sex" and "I am good at sex" and present myself as a character that likes sex in order to make men interested in me, without realising that I am doing so in order to secure a safety and comfort zone with them in the future, so that I would not have to face myself and take absolute responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek comfort and safety in the future by using and utilizing sex and talking about sex with men.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have sex with men in order to be able to emotionally bind them to myself and not have to take absolute self-responsibility for my life and survival in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use/utilize sex as a means of survival in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I have to use/utilise sex in this world in order to secure and ensure my survival in this world system, instead of taking full responsibility for ensuring my survival in the system on my own and not being afraid of doing that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use/utilite sex in order to manipulate men into liking me and making them want to be responsible for me, so that I wouldn't have to be responsible for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that a man should take care of me/a woman, and support me/her financially and emotionally as long as I/she provides him with sex.

I realise that manipulation with sex in order to not have to face myself in absolute self-responsibility is a fuckup, therefore I stop the manipulation of men with sex in order to secure my safety and survival in the future, and remain here in breath and direct myself with common sense towards what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that sex is a physical act, much like any sport and activity, and is separated from other physical acts only through my definitions of it's specialness that I have picked up from those that have gone before me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk about sex in conversations in order to make myself superior and more than men, because I want to embarrass them and overpower them, because I know that they are ashamed of "honesty" about sex, and women who talk about sex openly are perceived as strong women.

I commit myself to stop manipulating myself and others with sex in order to not have to face myself in absolute self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that sex is actually a means of securing money/survival for myself (im the future), when all the nice and pretty definitions of it have been removed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and utilize sex in order to make men feel responsible for me, because I was too lazy to get a job in the past and take care of myself in full self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of having used sex to secure my (financial) survival in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise how sex is indirectly through emotions and feelings connected to survival and money, which is needed in this world to be able to survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that we are all indirect whores, because we manipulate with sex in relationships in order to secure and ensure our own survival and comfort in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive whoring/prostituting as a shameful act, when in fact all humans are whores/prostitutes - directly for money or indirectly through manipulating with emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive being a prostitute for money to be worse than being a manipulator with sex in a partnership, instead of realising how the two acts are the same, because the inner emotional system of the human is equal to the outer monetary system of humanity - and they're both caving in, equal and one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of myself for manipulating my partners/men into having sex with me, so that I could get their money, with which I could buy my own survival in this world, instead of standing within and as absolute self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of having accepted/taken money from my partners/men, whom I've seduced/manipulated into having sex with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form emotional end feelingy sexual relationships with men, so that we could pay the rent together and I wouldn't have to face myself alone in absolute self-responsibility.

Day 16: Honesty vs self-honesty

I have recently made a big fuckup by thinking that I was honest. Within this I didn't realise how "honesty" is actually of the ego, and a completely different thing from self-honesty and what is best for all. "Honesty" exists, so that we could form special relationships with people, in which we will present ourselves as honest and worthy of their company.

"Honesty" is an energetic experience connected to secrecy, trust, privacy, and for honesty to exist - dishonesty must exist. When I perceive that I am being honest with someone - it is actually from a point of wanting their "trust" and "support".

When and as I see myself thinking/believing/perceiving that I am "being honest" with someone - I stop and I breathe. I investigate the point - why I want someone to perceive me as honest - I release it with self-forgiveness, and I direct myself in self-honesty, in breath, with common sense towards what is best for all.

Day 16: Communication in relationships

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad and resentful, annoyed and angry and violent, whenever I see/perceive my partner not wanting to talk to me and be honest with me, instead of directing myself here in breath and with common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into existential fear of the future, whenever I see/perceive my partner not wanting to talk to me and be honest with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of my relationship falling apart, whenever I see/perceive my partner not wantin to talk to me honestly and drifting away from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as sad and hurt and afraid, whenever I see/perceive my partner not talking to me honestly and drifting away from me, instead of remaining here in breath and directing myself with common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have a close and honest relationship with my partner, instead of realising that honesty is an energetic feeling for creating "special relationships", and is as such compromising our equality with the rest of the beings in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less than and inferior, whenever I see/perceive my partner drifting away from me and not being able to talk to me self-honestly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about myself and take it personally and as a personal failure, whenever I see and perceive my partner drifting away from me and not being able to talk to me self-honestly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire to have a special contact with my partner that I can define/perceive as close and intimate, instead of allowing myself to be close and intimate with myself in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with my partner, because I perceive that he doesn't want to talk to me self-honestly, instead of remaining here in breath and never taking anything my partner does personal.

When and as I see myself wanting to take things from my partner personal and blame him for something that I experience within myself - I Stop and Breathe. I do not allow myself to blame my partner for any experience that comes up inside me. Instead I investigate and release the point with self-forgiveness, and direct myself in breath with common sense towards what is best for all.

I commit myself to never again blame/judge my partner for any kind of experience that I experience within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sad, angry, resentful and annoyed, whenever I see/perceive my partner avoiding eye-contact with me and having a defensive stance, and go into all sorts of mind projections of blame and guilt and want to guess what the hell is wrong, and want to push him to make eye contact with me and be self-honest with me without realising that I am playing a power game in that moment, instead of remaining here in breath, not taking it personally and directing myself with common sense.

I realise and understand that I cannot and may not blame my partner for not wanting to have contact with me for whatever reason. I may not push into him energetically, instead I remain here in breath and direct myself with common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to find out why my partner doesn't want to have contact with me, instead of investigating my own point of why I want to have contact with my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be able to talk to my partner honestly, and perceive that it would help me more than I can help myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my partner more than myself, whenever I am having a problem, to solve that problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have a partner who would share solving my problems with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have a partner whom I could trust with my problems, instead of realising how I am shifting my self-responsibility onto him by doing so.

I realise and understand that no one outside of me can or may solve my problems for me and instead of me, because that way I would be giving up and abdicating my own self-responsibility.

Day 15: "I'll be there for you, so you're obliged to be there for me in the future"

When I was 17, I started my first relationship, that would define me for the rest of my "life".

My first partner came from a very well-standing family, one could almost say "rich". They had a wonderful house with a wonderful garden, a jacuzzi and three cars at their disposal at any given moment. Having come from a very poor family, I immediately latched on to him, and started moulding him into what I wanted him to be, so that I could have a partner to my liking + have all the material security and safety in the world that his family would bring me. Therefore I also created relationships with his parents, who basically adored me for my smartness and helpfulness. They allowed me to drive their cars, use all their stuff, and they even bought clothes for me.

I was enjoying this a lot - I had everything I always wanted - a rich boyfriend, who would keep me safe and secure until the rest of my life.

The only problem being - I wanted to have sex with other people, after the infatuation with my boyfriend died off. I tried ignoring this problem at first, but as time was going by, I was becoming increasingly restless, so I proposed an open relationship to my him. His reaction scared me - he was absolutely against it. So I said "ok", and endured some more of the monotonous life I had with him, simply because I didn't want to loose the comfort of his parents' home, the jacuzzi, the cars that I could drive, the illusion of safety and security that I could perpetuate by simply "being there for my boyfriend".

The car itself was a special point - I liked driving it, I liked being able to get to anywhere I wanted, and not have to be dependant on other people to take me there - and for that I endured in the relationship for 4 more years, before I realised that I cannot lie to myself like this any more and abuse him, just because he was born into a rich family.

Because it was absolute abuse that I was doing: I was using and abusing his emotional attachments towards me in order to be able to use his stuff and live with him, so that I wouldn't have to provide for myself, but let his family do it for me. I knew what I was doing on some level, and I was absolutely disgusted with myself, and couldn't stand myself any more. I knew I was being deceptive and deceitful, but the fear of taking absolute self-responsibility was simply too strong.

I started cheating on him and lying to him, because I wanted to have sex with other people, but didn't want to loose the comfort that his family was providing for me. Within all this - I was blinding myself and lying to myself that I "love" him, and that I'm not doing anything wrong with lying to him. He did find out, and he forgave me, because he was emotionally very attached to me, which is what I was counting on, and supported in him every way I could - I pretended to "be there for him whenever he needs me" - so that I could continue enjoying and using the things that he had. I lied to myself and him quite successfully.

And then I found Desteni. I realised how I was abusing him and myself with all the self-deception that I was doing, and I tried showing it to him too. I tried forming an agreement with him, but our starting points were just too different - my starting point was me/this world, but his was wanting to be with me, and as such he could not grasp or realise the extent to which we were lying to each other, because he wanted to perpetuate the lies.

I realised at that point that being able to drive his car and live in his house in the future is not worth sacrificing my own self-honesty for. Therefore I broke off the relationship, and started to stand on my own and be responsible for myself in this physical reality.

I have yet to completely de-construct the relationship construct in my head, but as for the practical step of taking self-responsibility - I have done it. I stopped the delusion and lie of "love" and "being there for another", so that I wouldn't have to take absolute self-responsibility, but could count on the lie and self-deception of "the other being there for me in the future". Now I am here, and I'm working on becoming the same yesterday, today and tomorrow - as that is where the certainty of self lies, where self-responsibility actually resides.

I commit myself to never again abuse another being because of my fear of not having safety in the future, because I realise that I, here in breath, am my own safety. As long as I don't allow any fears to consume me and take me over - as long as I trust my breath - I am here and I am fine.

Day 14: Removing reactions towards my partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as betrayed, hurt, sad, angry and dismayed, whenever I perceive that my partner is making plans behind my back and is fraternizing with others in order to exclude me from whatever is happening.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to isolate people from other people, so that I could manipulate them into doing my self-interested bidding, instead of realising that I am doing so in order to not have to take absolute self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel excluded, inferior/less than, whenever I perceive that my partner is making plans behind my back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make plans behind the backs of other people, whom I want to manipulate in my self-interest, instead of realising that by not being absolutely transparent, I am supporting my secret mind in abdicating my absolute self-responsibility, and wanting to transfer it to others by forming special relationships them with having secrets with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to punish my parnter, whenever I am perceiving that he is lying to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry, whenever I am confronting someone about something that I perceive they did wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within violent thoughts, and want to cause damage to people whom I am perceiving are hurting me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as spiteful towards people, whom I perceive to have more material means of mainpulating other people with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be envious of people, whom I perceive to have more material and financial stability within this world than me, because I envy them their power to manipulate with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be able to manipulate people with money, instead of realising how I am compromising myself and others by doing so - by making myself more powerful than them with money, and thus compromising our equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have money in order to make myself powerful and be able to manipulate people into doing what I desire/want them to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sick to my stomach in worry, because I do not know what the future will bring, instead of remaining HERE in breath and directing myself with common sense. I realise that when I direct myself within breath with absolute self-responsibility and common sense yesterday, today and tomorrow - I do not need to fear tomorrow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that people, whom I perceive have hurt me, will be punished with consequences of their decisions, instead of realising that I am being spiteful towards them because I am hurt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that anyone outside of myself can hurt me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate the emotion of being hurt within myself, whenever things do not go my way.
When and as I see myself wanting to generate the emotion of 'feeling hurt' within me, I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to manipulate myself with being hurt. Instead I investigate and remove the point and direct myself with common sense in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for something bad to happen to people, whom I perceive to be hurting me, instead of realising the spitefulness of my thoughts and stopping them and removing them.

When and as I see myself going into spitefulness towards others, I stop, I breathe, I investigate the point and release it with self-forgiveness, and direct myself with common sense in breath towards what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be nasty to/have nasty thoughts about people, whom I perceive to be hurting me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish harm upon people, whom I perceive to be hurting me, instead of taking full self-responsibility for my thoughts and myself by realising that I myself am generating 'being hurt'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior to people, whom I perceive are not doing process consciously.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame other women for taking over my partner, instead of realising that I am doing so out of fear of the future, remaining here in breath and directing myself with common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss my partner and want/need/desire to be with him, when he is not in my vicinity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become energetically high and happy, whenever I am around my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience an energetic low in the form of sadness and loneliness, whenever I am not around my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of going to sleep whenever I feel a resistance to facing myself, instead of realising that that is my mind not wanting to face itself and die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for my mind to die, because I started hating it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my mind, instead of embracing it and releasing it with self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad, angry, violent, powerless and overpowered, whenever I perceive that my partner does not want to spend time with me because he is being brainwashed by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to spite people, whom I perceive do not want to take absolute self-responsibility, instead of realising how by doing so, I am abdicating my own absolute self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to blame my partner for making me miserable by posting material to him, for which I know that he has given value to, as a manipulation tactics to overpower him and make him do what I want him to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as miserable, whenever I perceive that my partner does not want to spend time with me.

I realise that whenever I am being miserable, I am abdicating my absolute self-responsibility. Therefore when and as I see myself becoming miserable, I stop, I breathe. I investigate the point, release it with self-forgiveness, and direct myself in breath with common sense and absolute self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my partner into doing things for me, by using arguments for which I know that he has defined as valid and I know they have power over him, therefore I have power over him, whenever I use them.

I realise that I may not manipulate people/my partner into doing things for me, because in doing so I abdicate my absolute self-responsibility. When and as I see myself wanting to manipulate people, I stop, I breathe, I investigate and release the point and direct myself with common sense in breath and absolute self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be with a partner in order to not have to face myself in absolute self-responsibility.

I allow myself to unconditionally let go of the desire to be with a partner.

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to be with and have a partner, I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to go into this desire. Instead I look at the point that caused the desire, release it with self-forgiveness and direct myself with common sense in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with myself by giving myself goals and deadlines, and feel disappointed with myself, whenever I do not reach them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as tired, whenever I am facing myself with self-forgiveness in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am tired, when doing self-forgiveness, instead of realising that my tiredness is not real and it's only my mind that wants to prevent having to face itself due to its fear of dying. Therefore I breathe and continue applying my self-forgiveness.

Day 13: Stopping the blame game

My left heel hurts when I step on it. I asked about this, and the answer was:

the left heel represent that you are still in your mind, blaming everyone and not taking self responsibility - not standing up within and as a point of self responsibility towards yourself and your world. (Sunette perspective)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame other people for my situation, instead of taking absolute responsibility for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for bringing me into this world, although 'I didn't ask them to', because I am reluctant to take absolute self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel reluctant to take absolute self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire to have parents and/or a partner, who would take care of me all my life, instead of realising that I need to take absolute self-responsibility for myself and my world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for not securing me with a house/place to stay in this life, and within that I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be angry at my parents for having to pay rent in this world, because I perceive that there is no way that I could ever have a home of my own.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be frustrated and annoyed, because I have to pay rent in order to live somewhere, instead of realising that there are many more beings in this world that suffer far greater pains than me having to pay rent.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I need to take absolute responsibility for myself and this world, and that playing the blame game is the opposite of that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and be envious of friends, who have material security in this world, and wish /want/need/desire for them to help me, so that I would not have to take absolute self-responsibility, instead of remaining here in breath and directing myself with common sense in absolute self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame politicians for 'not taking care of the people', and think/believe/perceive that 'it used to be so much better in socialism, because everyone had a roof over their heads', instead of realising that all people in this world, including politicians, only look after their own self-interest, and therefore would not help me anyway.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have friends who will help me in terms of having material safety, instead of realising that I am abdicating my self-responsibility with this want, remaining here  in breath and directing myself with common sense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my sister and brother for 'abandoning me' in terms of not wanting to live together, instead of realising that I am simply to afraid to take absolute self-responsibility and live alone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to live with a family/friends, so that I would have a sense of safety and security.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have a home/special place with other people, where I would feel secure and safe, instead of taking absolute self-responsibility and me taking care of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being alone and not having anyone who would help me carry and share 'my burden' of financial responsibility within this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry, resentful, annoyed, sad, bewildered, that I need to work for money to survive in this world, instead of breathing and directing myself with common sense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I need help and assistance from other people/my parents/siblings/relatives/partner/children in order to survive in this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I cannot take care of my own survival alone in this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self-responsibility for my own survival and living in this world to other people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire for a saviour in form of another human/my partner/aliens to come and save me from having to take absolute self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to count on having safety if/when I find a partner who will want to share a life of material/monetary responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for a partner in order to not have to be absolutely self-responsible, but have a partner that I could run to and hide behind, whenever I perceive things to be hard and/or whenever I don't have money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disgusted with this world, because humans need to work 8+ hours in order to secure our own survival, which is keeping us away from actually realising ourselves.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner for not wanting to be responsible for me with me, instead of realising that I need to direct myself with common sense in breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire to have a partner who would want to be responsible for me with me.

When and as I see blame towards another person coming up within me, I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to blame, but rather investigate and release the point with self-forgiveness, and direct myself in breath with common sense towards what is best for all.

I commit myself to stop and remove the blame game within myself and my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame other people for abusing other other people, instead of stopping the projection and releasing the point within myself with self-forgiveness, and directing myself in breath.

----
I was meaning to write a blog, and address the fuckup that I had allowed myself a few days ago, and then didn't, because there were too many implications, and bellow is just one of them.

Participating with a group

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be the best in class/within any group that I participate in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to get recognition from my class/group for doing a great job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire praises from the group that I am participating in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be noticed and praised by my teachers/perceived leaders of groups that I participate in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependant on praise, and make it my main motivation for doing and accomplishing anything, instead of being my own starting point for doing things in this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I must be best in class, because my parents told me so.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare and compete with my classmates/groupmates in order to get recognition from the teacher/leader, my friends and my parents.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek a position within my class/group, because I think/believe/perceive that I must be the best and do extra effort so that I could live up to my parent's expectations, which I have adopted as my own, of having to be the best and brightest in a group/class.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek validation from the group that I participate in/my class and the perceived leader/teacher of the group.

Day 12: Lying and hiding the truth of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as sad, angry, disappointed, inferior, less than, annoyed, frustrated and violent, whenever I see/perceive that other people/my partner are/is lying to me or withholding the truth of themselves/himself from me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for people/my partner to always tell me the truth of themselves/himself and not lie to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that partners are/should be always honest with each other.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in a sacred honesty between partners, instead of realising that honesty between partners often, if not always, implies partners together lying to other people, therefore no self-honesty and equality are established within a partnership where partners perceive to be honest with each other.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I should always be more honest towards my partner than all other people, instead of realising that such a belief supports inequality and consequential deception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have people/my partner always tell me honestly what they/he are/is doing and where they/he are/is going, instead of realising that their/his actions and behaviour do not affect me physically but just in my mind, which is not real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that the level of people's/my partner's honesty towards me defines me in any kind of way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at people/my partner, whenever I see/perceive that they/he are/is not telling me the truth of themselves/himself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be vengeful towards people/my partner, whenever I see/perceive them/him lying to me, instead of realising that I am being like that, because I validate myself according to people's/my partner's honesty and opinion of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to validate myself as good, superior and more than, whenever I see/perceive people/my partner being completely honest with me and when they/he shares the truth of themselves/himself with me, and to devalue myself as bad, inferior and less than, whenever I see/perceive people/my partner lying to me and hiding the truth of themselves/himself from me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel betrayed, whenever I see/perceive people/my partner lying to me and withholding the truth of themselves/himself from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be insulted, whenever I see/perceive people lying to me and trying to deceive me, when I can clearly see that they are lying to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that when people/my partner lie to me, my worth is diminished, because they/he don't trust me enough to tell me the truth of themselves/himself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to not be lied to, and with that be validated as a person, who can be trusted, instead of realising that my energetic need to be trusted is invalid, because when I trust myself - I do not need the trust of other people to validate me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be trusted by others, and feel diminished by them not trusting me, instead of trusting myself in breath and directing myself with common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to prove to people that I know that they are lying to me/themselves, instead of realising that I can never beat self-deception with self-deception.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and equate people lying to me to people doing a great injustice to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like people are doing injustice to me and are devaluing me by lying to me, instead of realising that people lying to me has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with themselves.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a negative opinion about people, whom I see/perceive to be lying to me, and within that feel superior to them, because I can clearly see their deception, instead of realising that I see their deception because I carry it within myself as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to my partner/other people in order to manipulate him/them into doing what I want him/them to do, or not doing what I do not want him/them to do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie in order to secure my own self-interest within my relationships with people, instead of directing myself with absolute self-responsibility and not compromising myself with lying and manipulating myself and other people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to people in order to present a fake image of myself that I perceive they would like.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie in order to be liked by other people/my partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to people, because I am afraid of what they would think of me, if I told them the truth of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of people judging me, if I tell them the truth of myself, instead of realising that I am only judging myself, therefore I am afraid of judgement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as too trusting, naive and stupid for wanting to share the truth of myself with other people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to share the truth of myself with others, instead of realising that my want for sharing is energetic, therefore it's manipulative and invalid.
Whenever I notice myself wanting to share the truth of me with another, I stop, I breathe, I investigate my starting point and release potential energetic points with self-forgiveness, realign myself towards equality, and then share or not share the truth of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie in order to avoid facing the manifested consequences of my actions that I did in unawareness, instead of taking full responsibility for what I did, clearing myself with self-forgiveness and standing in breath with common sense and absolute self-responsibility.

When and as I see myself wanting to lie to another, I stop, I breathe, I investigate, where I am lying to myself and abdicating my self-responsibility. I release the point(s) with self-forgiveness and direct myself with common sense towards what is best for all.
I commit myself to stop, expose and remove all lies and lying from myself and within this world, so that we can take a long, hard look at the truth of ourselves and this world, and direct ourselves and the world towards what is best for All Life.

Day 11: Building new mind constructs - not good

I have noticed how I create new mind constructs on top of the old ones (and because of the remaining old ones).

I learned a new word today, and I learned it in a specific situation with a specific person, whom I've obviously formed a relationship with in my mind.

I noticed that I have built a construct around the word, because next time when I had to use the word, I remembered whom I learned it from, and smiled. I made a memory of getting to know this word from a 'special' person in a 'pleasant' situation or at least 'not as hard as when I have to deal with my own shit' situation, lol

Note to self: I build new constructs, when I am not aware of my breathing. And then I have to write those out as well.

Day 10: My observations

My mother is a heavy smoker of weed. She has also heard that hemp oil helps cure cancer, so now she has a potted plant in her room.

Recently they found some growth on her breast. They operated it, and it's fine, only my mother is making a Shakespearean drama about it, so that she would have an excuse to try and get hemp oil. I do not agree with this method of taking on the illness. But I digress.

Since I don't live with my family anymore, I will not be writing this blog based on memories from a personal experience, but rather from a friends interpretation of the situation.

My mother also has a cat. He likes to sunbathe on the window ledge near the weed plant.
So one day this harmless by-passer from the street started petting the cat. He noticed the plant, and asked whether it was weed. Mom replied that it is, and he went away.

In about ten minutes time there was a policeman on a bike at my mother's window, and he asked her, whether she knows that it's illegal to grow weed, and why does she grow it. She answered with her cancer and health excuse, which is kind of hard to negate to a person, even for a policeman. So the policeman said that he will pretend to not have seen this, and asked her, if she can hide the plant away from the window, to which she replied: "But it needs sunshine!" Then the policeman suggested to make some sort of a screen for the window, because people can see it, and people call the police because of it.
My mother made a screen, so that by-passers on the street cannot see the plant, and now the cat cannot look out the window anymore. He's the real victim of our delusional minds.

 Everything is in reverse, lol

The nice, pleasant man, who came to pet the cat, called the police, when he found out about the plant. He probably did it, because he was part of the Reaganistic upbringing, which has manipulated public opinion about drugs in the eighties, and brainwashed people into repeating: "Just say no."
So now, whenever people (who were teens in the eighties) see a drug, they still react with ultimate brainwashed fear and hatred, instead of realising that drugs are not illegal, because they are dangerous. They are dangerous, because they're illegal. Don't get me wrong, I am not promoting drugs - only that taking them is part of the domain of absolute individual self-responsibility, and as such should not be illegal and/or demonized.

The policeman turned out to be more man than police. He did not use any oppression or power, he simply acknowledged my mother as an equal, and even suggested some corrections, so that my mother would not have trouble in/with the system. It's nice to see that policemen are finally starting to realise themselves as human beings.

The cat is still fine, only a bit limited, as the window now looks like the window of a narco-cartel from the outside. My friend gave this description, I find it funny.

All men are created Equal. Therefore we should make an effort to finally implement a system that respects this simple fact of life.

Visit www.equalmoney.org

Day 9: Secrecy in relationships

Secrets with my partner:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have secrets with my partner, with which I make myself feel more than other people outside of our relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have "inside (sexual) jokes" with my partner in order to separate myself from other people and make myself feel superior, more than and better than other people outside of our relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have special intimate secrets with my partner, with which I could feel special, trustworthy, and create a "special bond of secrecy" with my partner, in which I exclude all people except us.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior and more than, and love my partner more, whenever he shares a secret with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an air of dependency and exclusivity and belonging and specialness, by telling my partner secrets that I do not tell other people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to manipulate my partner into trusting me, by telling him my secrets.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep secrets, so that I could create a special bond with people who I share them with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use other people's secrets in order to create a special bond with people who I share them with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use secrecy in this world and capitalistic system, in order to secure my own safety and survival within it.

Secrets I keep from my partner:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep secrets from my partner, because I am afraid that otherwise our relationship will fail.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of admitting to my partner that I am attracted to someone else as well, because I am afraid that he will want to leave me due to the illusion of monogamy in this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise the fuckup of attraction in this world, and how it is connected to safety and survival and self-definitions of the ego/consciousness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to my partner and keep things from him in order for him to stay with me and ensure my safety and survival in the future of this world.

My secrets:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach the definition of "secret" onto certain information about my behaviour/life, which I perceive that people would judge according to moral and ethical standards of this world and humanity, instead of realising how secrets are the fuckup that keep separation going within me and this world.

When and as I see myself thinking about sharing information that I have labeled as "secrets", I stop and I breathe. I look at the point of secrecy, release it with self-forgiveness and direct myself towards what is best for all in common sense. I do not allow myself to separate myself within myself and in the outer world by having preferences about people in terms of trusting them with my secret or not.

I commit myself to expose and remove all secrecy within myself and this world, so that we can stop perpetuating the separation that secrets cause.

Day 9: Manipulating in self-interest

I have fucked up quite heavily by being dishonest, where I thought I was honest. I honestly wanted to help one person, but in that I did not consider that in order to do that, the truth must be kept from another person.
So I did what I did in order to help person A, and hid the truth from person B, and accomplished absolutely nothing, because the starting point was absolutely self-dishonest - wanting to prove myself as the bigger person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to show and portray myself as the "bigger person" in a given situation, one that allows equality and does not have such big personal issues as other people, instead of realising what I am doing by having such thoughts, remaining in breath and clearing my starting point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I in any way allow equality, when I am not considering all people equally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself with equality into believing that what I am planning is all right, instead of realising that planning is a product of consciousness, and as such is absolutely not an action of equality, but self-interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use anyone's name in vain for my own purposes of manipulating people into doing stuff according to my planning.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make plans that include other people, without having told them about it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to predict people's behaviour in order to plan things in my own self-interest, and then be disappointed, when they do not behave according to my predictions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for my past manipulations, instead of realising that I will not accomplish anything with feeling guilty, remaining here in breath and directing myself with common sense.
 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that others will judge me for my past manipulations, instead of realising that being afraid is unproductive, remaining here in breath and common sense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate, lie to and deceive myself and others, in order to get what I want in self-interest, instead of remaining in breath and directing myself with common sense towards what is best for all.
When and as I see myself wanting to manipulate, lie, deceive and plan, I stop, I breathe, I reevaluate the point and release self-interest points with self-forgiveness and direct myself in self-honesty with common sense towards what is best for all, not excluding anyone and considering everyone involved.

I commit myself to stop manipulating with lies, words, deceptions and plans, where some have to be excluded for others to be included. I do not participate within these kind of constructs anymore. Instead I expose all manipulation within me and this world, so that we can stop abuse with manipulation once and for all.

Day 8: Being alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that something bad happens, when one is alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an irrational fear reaction, whenever I think of the possibility, idea and notion of being alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that being alone is a bad thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive being alone as a bad thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that one can be alone in a world of 7 bln people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and equate aloneness with sadness, patheticness, loneliness, and generally define it as being an inferior state of being and existing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afriad that if I live alone, other people will judge me as sad, pathetic, lonely, and label my existence as infeiror.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to other people, who live together in families and/or with friends and partners. – because they allow self-deception... which is a point of spitefulness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful towards people who live together in families and/or with friends and partners, because they have mutual assistance and support available.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of living alone, because I am afraid of not having mutual assistance and support with other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of living without the mutual support and assistance that other people, who live together, have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself for living without the mutual support and assistance that other people, who live together, have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have other people and live with other people, so that I could have mutual assistance and support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad, because I perceive that I do not have mutual assistance and support, if I do not physically live with other people, instead of realising that I cannot assist and support other people, if I cannot assist and support myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for other people to feel sorry for me, so that they would want to help me, so that I wouldn't have to unconditionally be self-responsible, but could hide in my felling sorry for myself and manipulate people with it into taking responsibility for me instead of me.

Day 8: My father's personality in me

In my first Journey to Life blog I commit myself to expose and remove all violence within myself and this world.

Yesterday I allowed a violent outburst into the physical, within which I didn't remember this commitment. The person that represents my partner in this construct that I am writing out, was making pancakes. He was fucking up royally due to never having cooked in his life. I came there with my years of experience, and immediately started telling him how to make pancakes, not allowing him to do the trial and error method, which is what my father was doing to me. If I didn't want to learn how to do it properly from him, and fucked up on my own, I was scolded.

So I scolded this poor guy, and he reacted back violently, which was the consequence of a particular superiority program that I had caused in him due to my self-interest. I realised the fuckup of my thoughts and actions for the past ten days, and I was asking him to correct it, but he wouldn't, as the programming was too strong, and so was my own. We started manipulating each other with fear, and it all escalated to me banging on the table with my hand. In that moment I was so possessed, that I had not remembered my commitment to not allow violence in me, and it played out in the physical. Later I investigated the point, and realised how I was simply playing out the programming that I had picked up from my father such a long time ago.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become annoyed, angry and resentful, whenever I perceive that someone does not want to take into consideration my experiences and knowledge, and feel unappreciated, disregarded and inferior whenever that happens, instead of realising that I am playing out my father's behavioural patterns from the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and utilize common sense, the Desteni lingo and the message of equality in order to enhance my claims and support my self-interest, instead of remaining here in breath and directing myself according to what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with sadness, go into anger and resentment  and feel hurt and betrayed, whenever I perceive that someone is comparing me to someone else, and is saying that the other person is better than me, instead of remaining here in breath and directing myself with common sense towards what is best for all.

Whenever I see myself going into comparison in my mind, I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to compare myself to other people. I do not allow within me in-fear-iority and superiority that stem from comparison. Instead I look at the point that came up, release it with self-forgiveness, and direct myself in breath with common sense towards what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally, whenever I see/perceive that someone is being spiteful towards me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of living on my own again and having to do everything alone again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear and uncertainty, whenever I perceive that someone is being influenced and manipulated by others against me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for decisions to be made in my favour, whenever I am part of a decision that someone else needs to make.

Day 7: Process on relationships - raw and uncut

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and equate having a partner with having safety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel safe and secure within relationships with men.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for/seek out relationships with men in order to create a false sense of safety, instead of realising how I compromise myself and my expression in order to manifest that sense of safety in a relationship with a man.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care more about my partner than other people, because I am expecting my partner to care more about me than other people, and keep ME safe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and utilize sex in order to convey to my partner that I care about him more than other people, and so manifest an emotional connection with which I would ensure my own safety within this exclusive emotional/sexual relationship in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider myself as part of a unit, when I am in a (sexual) relationship with a partner, and feel whole, as opposed to when I am not in a relationship and feel like part of me is missing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a part of me is missing, whenever I am not in a relationship, instead of realising myself as a whole being regardless of me being in a relationship or not.

Yesterday I fucked up. Being part of a stupid triangle is, well, stupid. I have done my best to not exclude the girl, to include her in whatever circle we're in, but I eventually became fed up with her constant sad face. Sadness is to be written out, and that's it. Not to be used as a manipulation point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to persuade myself that I am sad, so that I could persuade others that I am sad, so that I could manipulate them with my sadness into doing things for me, and claim that "I cannot handle/write this out right now", so that I could keep perpetuating my relationship manipulation pattern with sadness and hold power over people/my partner with it, keep them/him doing what I want them/him to do for me, instead of facing myself, releasing the pattern with self-forgiveness, and directing myself with common sense towards what is best for all

When and as I see myself trying to become sad and manipulate myself and others into sadness, I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to become sad. Instead I look at the point I wanted to manipulate, I release it unconditionally with self-forgiveness, and I direct myself with common sense towards what is best for all in oneness and equality.

I commit myself to expose and remove the manipulative nature of sadness in relationships within me and this world.

We manipulate with sadness to ensure our safety/survival as the mind in the future. We are fighting for our limitations and to not have to take self responsibility. Unacceptable.

We manipulate ourselves with fear of the future and responsibility into persuading ourselves that we love our partner, that our partner needs us, that we need our partner, because we just cannot do this on our own, which is - my manipulation with integrity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself and others into doing what is best for all with "integrity", not realizing that I have not yet cleared integrity for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive integrity as doing what is best for all in common sense, without actually knowing what best for all in common sense in every breath really is. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the word integrity in order to manipulate people into doing what I perceive to be best for all, which is clearing oneself with self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force people into doing self-forgiveness, instead of doing self-forgiveness myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as annoyed, whenever I perceive people resisting doing self-forgiveness, instead of realising that the annoyance is coming from me wanting to be right, and having participated in backchat, where I have "won" and "proven my point", which I am now trying to manifest in reality and failing, hence become annoyed

When and as I see annoyance coming up within me, I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to become annoyed, and to manipulate with annoyance in superiority. Instead I realise that annoyance is a consequence of superiority/in-fear-iority backchat, I look at the point, I release it with self-forgiveness unconditionally and I direct myself in breath with common sense towards what is best for all in oneness and equality


I coughed big time right now, because I am competing with the girl in terms of process, trying to prove myself as better than her, more self-honest, more applying, more worthy of choosing to be with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my process to those of other people, and to compete with them in terms of "who will make it faster" and "who will do more".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate my process from those of other people, instead of realising that mirroring is assisting me in facing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with other people whom I perceive to be in process, instead of realising that everything and everyone is in process, and that I can only do my process at this point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and force self-forgiveness upon others, instead of realising that if I do my self-forgiveness, I can support others directly with my realisations.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to support others in order to be supported myself, instead of supporting myself unconditionally and supporting others only when they are ready to support themselves.