Monday, 25 February 2013

Day 122: "The diet is always tomorrow"



Throughout my life I have been caught up in overeating and dieting. I would indulge in eating whatever I wanted for a while, then I'd gain weight, and set up a goal for myself, which was always completely entirely unrealistic, like loosing ten kilos in 20 days, thinking that if I starve myself, I can reach this preposterous goal. The preposterous time frame was always connected with some or other event, for which I wanted to loose weight in order to look my best for it. This is connected to a particularly silly procrastinating pattern of behaviour that I developed, which encompasses my whole life: I am always late, and therefore always in a hurry.
Of course, reaching this goal never worked, and the sadness and almost hysterical anger at myself for eating always completely possessed me. Eventually I rendered myself into a very unhappy being. This has been going on since I can remember, as I can hardly remember the time in my early childhood when I wasn't dieting and thinking about food. In the past few months I have caught myself into another one of these vicious cycles, and noticed a symptom that has been following them ever since they emerged: the diet is always tomorrow, and until then I will indulge in some more binging. It is a symptom of classic addict behaviour, where I will take this reward, and punish myself for it afterwards. This stops here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overeat in order to make myself feel better about some or other emotional turmoil that I am experiencing, and after gaining weight because of it, promise to myself that I will starve myself and restrict my food intake to the max in order to fix the damage that I have done to myself and loose the weight that I have gained during the binge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive gained weight as damage that I have done to my body, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for having gained weight during a food binge, instead of realising that by hating myself, I am furthering the separation from myself and all that is here by generating negative energy for my mind to survive as ego in it's constant unhappiness and turmoil about being fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as a very unhappy being due to being fat, instead of realising and understanding that this is a definition of the mind, with which I power myself to exist as ego and separate myself from myself and all that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set completely unrealistic and preposterous goals for myself to loose lots of weight in a short period of time, and think/believe/perceive that I can/could manage to reach them, despite knowing fully well that I am setting up unrealistic goals for myself, and therefore setting myself up for failure and disappointment, within which I will make myself feel even worse about myself, instead of realising and understanding for real what I already know: that weight loss and a healthy body are directly linked to listening to my body and observing what makes it run effortlessly, and which foods should be avoided, because they make me feel heavy and not good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my body's signs and eat food that does not make it feel good, but makes me feel heavy and sleepy, but I would eat the food anyway, because I have defined it to be tasty and good, knowing fully well that I am using it in order to make myself/my mind feel better, and by eating it, I am not supporting my body in any way whatsoever, instead of breathing and not allowingmyself to listen to my mind and believe that I will feel better after these comfort foods, because I know that I never do afterwards.

When and as I see myself wanting to eat food that I know is not supportive to my body, and I want to eat it from a starting point of comforting myself because of an emotional turmoil, and for which I know that it will make me feel heavy, sleepy and render me ineffective, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am compromising myself by giving in to these mind patterns, in which I will eat food that I have defined as tasty in order to make myself feel better, and I do not support my physical body in any way whatsoever, therefore I release the trigger point of the desire to eat the unhealthy food and direct myself in breath towards what I know is best for my body.

I commit myself to through writing and self-forgiveness identify and remove all points, where I use food in order to make myself feel better and remove the pattern of comforting myself with food after and during emotional turmoil, because I realise and understand that if I keep participating within these patterns, I will only harm my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself time frames in which I should loose a certain, usually unrealistic, amount of weight, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set my goals up always for tomorrow or the next Monday, where I would promise myself that tomorrow or the next Monday I will start dieting, in that giving myself a short period of time in which I can continue with the abuse of food and eat foods with which I comfort myself and make myself feel better, instead of realising and understanding that this plot and plan of the mind was a tactic, with which I abdicated my self-responsibility and my perceived responsibility towards my weight loss onto the "future me", who would compensate for my past sins, not realising and understanding that this future me does not exist, and that I have separated myself from myself and all that is here into a mind dimension of hoping and wishing and planning in the future, instead of remaining here in breath.

When and as I see myself wanting to give myself the excuse to eat whatever I want in the now by promising myself that tomorrow or next Monday I will start dieting, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind construct, where I am abdicating my self-responsibility by putting off responsible behaviour towards my body into the future, therefore I investigate and release the origin of the thoughts with self-forgiveness and direct myself towards what is best for my body here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for eating whatever I wanted in order to make me feel good and consequentially gaining weight, and therefore afterwards punish myself with severe dieting and starving myself, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thoughts about how I deserve the pain of hunger that I am experiencing during the restriction of my food intake, because I have been bad when I was eating whatever I wanted in order to make myself feel good.

When and as I see myself wanting to punish myself for eating whatever I wanted in order to make me feel good during an emotional turmoil and gaining weight because of it by starving myself and/or forcing myself to do some extreme diet with severe caloric intake cuts, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I feel inferior to myself for allowing myself to eat whatever I wanted to make myself feel good and am defining/perceiving myself as a weakling for giving into the cravings for comfort food, and therefore I will compensate for that inferiority towards myself with superiority as anger and strictness towards myself in terms of what I eat and will severely restrict my food intake in order to prove to myself that I am able to adhere to a strict dieting/eating plan, within which I will completely disregard my physical body and it's needs, and will only play out these obsessive thoughts about it in my mind. Therefore I release the trigger point and investigate the obsessive thought pattern with writing and self-forgiveness, and direct myself IN BREATH towards what is best for my physical body WITHOUT listening and giving in to my mind's perceptions and energetic claims about my physical body.

I commit myself to through writing and self-forgiveness and self-corrective application stop and remove all obsessive compulsive patterns of the eating disorder that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up within myself over the years, because I realise and understand that by giving into these mind thought patterns and believing them and my knowledge and information about food and eating and myself and my image, I am compromising and disregarding my physical body, the only thing that is in fact real about me.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Hilda.

    I've walked a similar point though not as extreme with the dieting part because I've seen my mom dieting all my life. But what I've done to stop the cycle is to focus on developing a way of eating that supports my body and making that my main focus, rather than losing weight. Within this it is also to understand that there can be underlying issues in addition to food-consumption as to why one would gain weight, meaning process-related points that has more to do with who one is than what one does.

    Thanks for sharing!

    ReplyDelete