Monday, 18 February 2013

Day 117: Fat people are second grade people




I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive my life as ruined, because I was fat, and I perceived that I couldn't express myself as I wanted to, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous and envious of girls who were thin, because I perceived that they could express themselves freely, while I didn't allow myself to wear girly clothes and act in a girly manner, because I thought/believed/perceived that I am not worthy of being girly due to being fat and that I do not deserve to be girly, because I cannot solve my problem of being fat. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire to be able to act and dress in a girly manner, instead of realising and understanding that "girly" is separation with which I wished I could define myself and perceive myself as desirable to men, whom I would want to sexually manipulate with my girliness  into liking me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive fat people as unattractive people who are not allowed to be sexual because they are fat, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad, inferior, less than and negative, because I believed that all these things apply to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be thin and to be able to compare and compete with thin girls in terms of things that I have defined/perceived as girly, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always feel like an outcast and actually cast myself out of the company of thin girls, because I perceived that I cannot compare and compete with them, therefore I would withdraw into myself and be alone instead of socializing with thin girls.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be thin in order to feel accepted in the company of thin girls, instead of realising that I am feeling this way, because I have never accepted myself due to being fat, and would therefore always feel like an outcast and I would feel inferior, less than, negative and bad, because I have in fact never accepted myself, but was looking for acceptance from an outside source/thin girls.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive thin girls as popular and loved, and fat girls as unpopular and hated, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for being fat, instead of accepting myself unconditionally and not defining myself according to what my body looks like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as terribly troubled because I looked differently from thin girls around me and in magazines and on TV.

When and as I see myself comparing and competing with thin girls, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I have caught myself into a mind polarity construct, where I will feel bad about myself for being fat, and will want to achieve being thin, which I would readily sacrifice my physical body for, by compromising it with not eating, therefore I release the trigger point of comparison/competition with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards removing my thought patterns about fat people and their participation within the world.

I commit myself to through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application stop and remove all thought patterns, perceptions, beliefs, definitions.. about fat people, because I realise and understand that with all of these things in my mind I am separating myself form myself and not accepting myself and therefore I am making myself eternally miserable.

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