Sunday, 17 February 2013

Day 116: Being fat ruined my life - introduction

I've been "fat" ever since I can remember. I've been dieting since my early primary school days, because my mother was a ballet teacher, I was attending her classes, and it's not for a ballerina to be fat. Somewhere along the line it was decided for me that I would quit ballet and focus on my violin classes (my father's trade), because it became clear that I'm simply not built to be a ballerina.

The consequences of this were immense. I loved to express myself through dancing, I still do, but because I was fat, I couldn't keep doing what I loved. I was always incredibly troubled by my appearance, and I couldn't understand why this is happening to me. When I was comparing to my thin schoolmates, and being all depressed about it, my mother would try to console me by telling me that I am "big-boned". It wasn't much of a consolation, though, because the kids at school kept picking at me for being fat. When I told my mom about that, she'd tell me to reciprocate by finding some fault in them and picking on them for it. I tried doing that, but it didn't seem to bother them nearly as much as them picking on my fat bothered me. I grew up into a frustrated, unhappy, forever dieting and overeating individual. When I wasn't dieting, I was overeating to deal with the depression and unhappiness, thus catching myself in an eternal vicious cycle of self-destruction.

What I have noticed in my life was that I wasn't eating much more than my peers. I did have a different relationship with food, though. Sometimes I'd eat to make myself feel better, not to not be hungry, but I also tried controlling that and eating only as much as my peers. It didn't work, I was still heavier than them. I couldn't understand, why the hell I'm fat, and others are not. I didn't know anything about the obesity system design that triples all of my food intakes. I didn't know it existed. I started believing the limited accepted knowledge of how obesity works in this world, that it is a consequence of calorie intake, and that it is my own fault that I am fat. That made me even more frustrated about not being able to solve this problem. I've been trying since forever, but I could never ever achieve the perfect ideal body figure of ideal women in the magazines and on TV. What bothered me even more, something that I've been able to put into words only recently, was the fact that everyone else also seems to believe that fat people want to be fat and that it's their own fault for not being thin, and therefore it is ok to pick on them. It's a socially accepted paradigm. I can guarantee that there is not one fat person on this planet that didn't try at some point in their life to restrict their calorie intake. It simply doesn't work, unless the cut is so drastic that it impairs normal life, so one is either forever stuck in battling with food patterns, or giving in, making peace with forever being picked on for being fat and developing some or other coping-mechanism for it. I belong to the former. My weight fluctuates a lot, and it follows a certain pattern. When I eat whatever I want, it goes up. Afterwards I stick to a low calorie intake for a while, and it goes down, but never enough for me to feel "normal" and not standing out.
The only time in my life that I was able to approximately get myself near to a "normal" weight was when I discovered ephedrine. It is a under-the-counter drug that can cause heart problems, but I didn't care enough to not try to escape this hell of being fat with it. It makes one not hungry, so my food intake dropped to only one meal a day, and even that one was very small. For about six months I would literally eat about one serving of soup a day or something equivalent to that. And I still didn't manage to become "thin", but I did feel a bit more "acceptable". As soon as I quit the drug, my weight began to go up again.

When I discovered Desteni, I found out about the system design and a bit about how it is connected to my relationship patterns with men. Theoretically I should be able to get rid of it by investigating and removing those patterns, so that is what I'll attempt to do within my Process.

This is an introduction to my research of that realm. Stay tuned.

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