Wednesday, 6 February 2013

Day 107: Feeling uneasy around other people



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel relieved, when I am left alone and/or alone with my partner, when my flatmates  leave the flat, and feel freer and less limited than when they are in the flat, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bothered, constricted and limited, when all my flatmates are in the flat, because I believe/perceive that I cannot be myself and I cannot act the same when they are in the flat as when I am alone (with my partner) due to social paradigms and rules of behaviour and modes of conduct, instead of realising and understanding that when I in front of other people act differently than when I am alone, I am participating within an ego construct, where I am trying to uphold an image of myself that is not real, which I have built up in order to be accepted and appreciated by society - my superego character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel limited due to not being able to walk around the flat naked, because I think/believe/perceive that others will judge me for it, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge/perceive/define walking around the flat naked with other people present as unseemly, unsocial and something that is not done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel limited and constricted when I have to pass my flatmates/other people on my way to the toilet, because I think/believe/perceive that I have to acknowledge those people every time I pass them, because I have accepted and allowed the belief in me that not saying hi and not acknowledging people/my flatmates as I pass them is rude and inconsiderate. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel obliged to acknowledge and talk to my flatmates, whenever I pass them, instead of realising and understanding that this is part of my social program of politeness, which I have built up in my early childhood, when my parents were teaching me the basics of politeness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define politeness as positive/good/superior, instead of realising and understanding that by participating in politeness, I am separating myself from other people by perceiving/defining myself as superior/more than for being polite. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe/think/perceive that people who are not polite and do not have the upbringing of 'politeness' that I have received from my parents, are inferior and less than. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that farmers (boeren) are impolite and therefore inferior, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being perceived as impolite and therefore inferior by others, if I do not acknowledge them and greet them every time I pass them/meet them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uneasy, whenever I pass my flatmates or meet someone I know without greeting them and being polite to them and listening to them, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pressured to greet and be polite to my flatmates/other people when I pass them/meet them by stopping and talking to them, instead of realising and understanding that I am generating this feeling of uneasiness and constriction within myself, and can easily overcome it with self-forgiveness and breathing and being here.

When and as I see myself feeling constricted and uneasy and pressured around other people, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating in my mind constructs of social behaviour, which I have generated a long time ago, therefore I investigate myself through writing and release the points with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath, not allowing myself to participate in my self-created limitations of politeness.

I commit myself to through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application stop and remove all my perceptions/beliefs/definitions of how I should behave around other people, because I realise and understand that by wanting other people to perceive me in a certain way, I am participating in the separation into classes that has been haunting humanity since forever, I am trying to make myself appear superior, well behaved and well brought up, which is a consequence of wanting to please my parents and wanting them to be proud of me.

To be continued.

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