Day 102: We lost our kitteh

The day before yesterday was quite a stressful day - we had lost the newly acquired kitty from our flat.

I got up in the morning, at my usual late o'clock. As my partner was leaving for school, I noticed that the kitty, which our flatmate brought home about a week ago, wasn't prancing around and asking for food as it usually did. I immediately felt that stabbing worry in my stomach. I looked at her plate, and it was empty - no one had given her food yet - so it was highly weird for her to not be meowing around my feet. My partner and flatmates left, and I was left alone in a suspiciously quiet flat. I turned it upside down, I went into all the rooms, I called the kitty, but it just wasn't there. I felt like crying. I wanted to go into blame. While I was running around the flat like a headless chicken, the blaming backchat in my mind turned into internal conversations with my flatmates - from angry blaming to calm explaining as to why we're apparently not responsible enough to have a kitten.
All the while I was semi-aware of myself, and slowly but surely it dawned upon me to go outside and look for the cat. It was snowing outside, so when I came out, over me came an overwhelming feeling of feeling sorry for the scared and cold little kitty, who got lost in the big bad loud obnoxious city. I started crying, I was immensely angry with myself for allowing this to happen. I was identifying with the kitten, and my heart wanted to jump out of my chest. I was sooo angry with myself, and I punished myself by going on my knees in the snow to look under cars - perhaps I would find her cooped up under one. I didn't.
I came back home, and on my way asked everyone I met whether they had seen her. The cleaning lady saw that someone put some milk and a towel outside a flat, and some other neighbour saw the kitten early in the morning, but not afterwards.

I tried ringing all the doorbells in our house, but it was late morning, and hardly anyone was home. Those who were, hadn't seen her. I saw the milk and the towel, and hope sparkled inside me that someone was human enough to take the kitty in, so I made a firm plan within myself to visit all the neighbours in the PM's, and find out what the milk and towel were about. As I was walking in and out of the flat, trying to figure out what the hellto do next, I made acquaintances with a very nice neighbour, who invited me in, and gave me the phone numbers of two neighbours, some coffee and a cigarette. After some pleasantries, I went on home to pointlessly worry and perhaps write myself out, but I couldn't. I did some self-forgiveness while looking for the kitty, but I couldn't sit myself down at the computer and deal with my mind fucks, while she was allegedly outside freezing to death. So I sat hopeless and helpless in the kitchen and smoked, when my phone rang. It was a neighbour, who had found the cat!!! I was so freaking relieved.

The neighbour is a cat lover, and she was a bit upset with us having lost the kitten, and said that she had already taken it to her parents' house, and that her father has already fallen in love with it. In that moment I was double relieved - as I still perceived the student bunch in the flat a wee bit too irresponsible for us to keep it.

My mind was for a moment looking for a scapegoat - I was wondering who the hell could have allowed the cat to exit through the main entrance, but I quickly started breathing. I became aware of the thoughts and recognised their blaming nature, and stopped them. Afterwards I came to the conclusion that it was no one's fault, really, because everyone was asleep that early in the morning. The kitten must have fallen out through our broken window that won't close.

Throughout my process I have already dealt with a lot of emotional turmoil with animals, lastly when my cat had to be put to sleep. After the self-forgiveness I was completely stable, and I witnessed it without any major emotional outbursts, but I haven't covered 'loosing a pet', therefore this time I was quite emotional.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself and blame myself and look for scapegoats in others, and someone whom I could be angry with, whenever I loose a pet. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty and ashamed of myself for having lost my pet, and define/perceive myself as too irresponsible and not alert enough to be able to effectively take care of a pet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about a pet/animal that I cannot find at the moment, instead of realising and understanding that worrying will not improve or help the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of general panicking, whenever I loose or perceive that I have lost a pet, instead of remaining here in breath and directing myself with common sense. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself with the pet that I had lost, and make up all kinds of negative and terrible scenarios in my head about what had happened to the cat. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about 'my' pets more than about all other animals, and perceive/define them as special to me, because I am taking care of them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as the owner of the pet/animal I am taking care of and looking after, instead of realising and understanding that the pet/animal is it's own being, equal to me and everything else that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience sadness and helplessness, whenever I loose a pet/animal or cannot find it, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that the pet/animal is lost without me and cannot take care of itself without me, instead of realising that within this I am making myself superior to the animal/pet and not recognizing it as an equal being but am arrogantly thinking that animals are lesser beings than humans. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define pets/animals that I'm taking care of as special to me, thus feeling sorry and sad, when I loose/cannot find them, not realising and understanding that I am in that moment disregarding all other animals and their suffering in this world and focusing only on one dimension in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define myself as a 'good person' and a 'benevolent person', whenever I feed animals and take care of them, instead of realising that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I make myself superior and more than other people for taking care of a pet/animal, and will define and perceive others as less than and inferior, if/when I perceive them to be acting differently towards animals than me, not realising and understanding that I am feeding my mind energy.

When and as I see myself defining/perceiving the pet/animal that I'm taking care of as special to me, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment defining myself with the animal, and separating it from all other Life, and separating myself in a single mind dimension, thus I am disregarding everything else that is here. Therefore I release the perceptions and definitions with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards what is best for all.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all definitions of 'my pets' from my mind, because I realise and understand that as long as I keep definitions of specialness attached to a single animal/being, I am participating in my mind as ego and disregarding the equality of all beings.

Day 101: "It's my partner's job to keep me happy"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my partner should feel obliged to make and keep me happy, instead of realising and understanding that I am doing this from a point of superiority and participating within a mind polarity construct, in which I will feel superior, more than and positive, when I perceive that my partner is trying to keep me happy, and will feel inferior, less than and negative, when I perceive that my partner is not trying to keep me happy, and will connect and equate this with my partner caring or not caring for me enough for him to want to keep me happy.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to (feel like I have the right to) demand from my partner to keep me happy and satisfied, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my partner should be able to read my mind and act accordingly to what I want, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating with superiority, because I have accepted the belief that a man should woe and court a woman, and that a woman is superior to the man, because she is the one giving sex, not realising and understanding that I am acting and behaving this way because I want/need/desire to be treated like a princess, and I have 'fallen victim' to the socially accepted programming of a man having to serve and love and cherish a woman. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be treated as special, and for my partner to show me special appreciation, care and love, so that I would feel superior and special, instead of realising and understanding that by participating within thesethoughts, I am perpetuating my own enslavement to the self-accepted ideas and beliefs that I have picked up through stories, fairytales, television and other media.


When and as I see myself wanting my partner to make me happy and read my thoughts and do what I want him to do without me having to tell him what I want him to do, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a specialness construct, within which I believe that I should have a special connection with my partner, where I wouldn't have to communicate with words what I want, instead he would somehow magically know what I want, and I would become frustrated, angry, resentful and annoyed, when that wouldn't happen, and I would feel positive, more than and superior and connected with my partner, when that would happen. Therefore I release the trigger point of wanting to feel connected and special within my relationship with my partner, and I direct myself in breath towards what is best for our agreement and for me as all.


I commit myself to stop and remove all wants/needs/desires for my partner to make me feel special, because I realise and understand that by wanting to feel special within my relationship/agreement with my partner, I am closing myself off into a bubble of privacy with him, and excluding and ignoring everything else that is Here.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel negative, less than and inferior and sad, whenever I perceive that my partner is not willing to do what I want him to do in order to make/keep me happy, and connect and equate this with him not caring for me enough, instead of realising and understanding that I am again validating myself through my partner's actions towards me within my mind's construct of perceptions and beliefs that my partner should feel obliged to make/keep me happy and within that do what I want him to do, without me telling him what I want him to do.


When and as I see myself wanting to validate myself as superior or inferior through my partner's actions and behaviour towards me, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am with this only feeding my mind energy through causing friction within myself and between us, thus disabling myself/us to effectively communicate and share our experience together. Therefore I release the point of wanting to validate myself with my partner's behaviour towards me, and direct myself in breath without emotional reactions to my partner's behaviour.

I commit myself to stop validating myself through my perception of my partner's behaviour towards me, because I realise and understand that within this I create my perception to be negative or positive so that I would feed my mind energy and so that my ego can live on, which I do not allow anymore, therefore will I release my perception of positivity and negativity with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

Day 100: Perceptions about the State

When I was little, I was worried about having to get an education and a job, and I was worried that I might fail, and I was kinda hoping that if I fail, the state will take care of me. In my childhood naivety I was hoping that I am living in a system that takes care of all. As I grew up, I slowly but surely learned and realised that this is not the case.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that the institution of state is made to take care of each individual in this world, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that everyone should be faithful and loyal to their state in terms of civil obedience, paying taxes and obeying the law, instead of realising and understanding that within these perceptions and definitions, I am abdicating my self-responsibility for my survival and living and taking care of myself onto a made up entity, the state, which does not serve the interest that is best for all, but only serves the interest of the few people at it's top. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disillusioned and disappointed, when I found out that the state is not an entity that takes care of everyone's dignified survival and life, and would therefore start hating the institution of the state, not realising and understanding that these emotional responses will not better or fix the situation that I have realised, but will only perpetuate the current fuckup that all of humanity together have accepted and allowed to exist in our lives.

When and as I see myself becoming frustrated in conversations and thoughts about the world system and states and how they neglect actual human lives, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that frustration and anger will only contribute to perpetuating the current system fuckup, because instead of directing myself towards changing the system, I am abdicating that responsibility in the form of emotional reactions and a feeling of helplessness and being overwhelmed. Therefore I release the trigger point with self-forgiveness and direct myself toward becoming a self-willed individual that will stand and help implement a system that will unconditionally support what is best for All Life.

I commit myself to through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application stop and remove from within myself all perceptions, ideas, beliefs and fears that are related to the current world system and states and their political arrangements, because I realise and understand that all those concepts are only limiting me from seeing what is really here, and directing things towards changing the system into one that supports what is best for All Life.

Day 99: Interaction within a group of people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself feel important and more than in a company of people by laughing hard, being loud and acting smart. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to boost my positive energy experience by talking to a third party on the phone in a company and talking loudly, so that the company would hear what I am saying, so that afterwards I can make myself feel more important, more than and superior by talking about the subject/person that I was on the phone with, and sometimes talk shit about that person in the company, and sometimes talking nice about that person in the company, according to how the company perceives that person, or how I would want the company to perceive that person, depending on whether I perceive the person to be popular in the eyes of others or not.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk about myself to others about how great I am, what my accomplishments are, and what I had succeeded in within my ventures in life, in order to instigate a feeling of awe and admiring within the person that I am talking to, instead of realising and understanding that I am wanting to make myself appear superior to that person because I feel inferior within myself and feel inferior to that person, until I get my confirmation and validation from the person about how great I am. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel positive, more than and superior, after I get feedback that I perceive as positive, and feel negative, inferior and less than, when I get feedback that I perceive as negative, instead of realising that I am participating in a mind-polarity energy construct, and that this is not me as Life, it is me as temporary Energy that needs to be refilled and rejuvenated all the time, not realising and understanding that by refilling and rejuvenating myself as Energy through boosting my ego as superiority and positivity - I am consuming my physical body and manifesting my own slow but constant and continuous death.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with annoyance anger resentment and frustration to people whom I perceive to be boosting their ego through talking to me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel obliged to confirm and validate their egos at least a little, so that they would like me at least a little, so that they wouldn't want to harm me and talk shit behind my back, instead of realising that within doing so, I am compromising myself and my standing, because I am allowing energies to direct me and I am supporting the energies in another.


When and as I see myself reacting energetically to someone whom I perceive to be bragging, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am reacting to something that I carry within myself, therefore i release the point with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards what is best for all.


I commit myself to through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application stop reacting and stop supporting other people's egos, and stand clear within conversations, where I see/perceive other people to be bragging and boosting their egos, because I realise and understand that as long as I support any iota of another's ego in my self-interest, I am in fact abusing life and substance for the creation of energy for the mind as ego.

Day 98: Feeling contempt for humanity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel contempt for humanity and hate humanity as a whole for accepting and allowing the abuse of Life, instead of realising and understanding that I am separating myself from humanity by doing so, and participating within a mind polarity construct, where I will feel superior and more than other humans/humanity within my perception that I am applying myself and other people are not, therefore I perceive myself to be better than the rest of humanity, and on the flip side I will feel smaller than humanity and inferior to it and powerless to do something about the abuse of all of humanity, which I will then compensate for with anger towards humanity and will allow backchat in the form of "Humanity is not worthy of saving", not realising and understanding that I am limiting and compromising myself within these thoughts.

When and as I see myself feeling hatred and contempt for humanity, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that this is due to me feeling smaller than humanity and unable to do anything about the abuse in the world because of these perceptions, therefore I release them with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less than, inferior and smaller than humanity itself, and within this perception allow myself to fear humanity and hate it and think/believe/perceive that humanity is not worth saving, and that humanity does not deserve to be saved and to save itself, instead of realising that within these thoughts I am giving up on myself, because I am part of humanity.

When and as I see myself feeling inferior to, less than humanity and negative about humanity, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, within which I separate myself from humanity by thinking that it is an abomination, within which I make myself feel superior in order to compensate for the feelings of inferiority towards it. Therefore I release the thoughts and perceptions about humanity with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards what is best for all.

I commit myself to through writing and self-corrective application stop and remove all feelings that I have about humanity as a whole, because I realise and understand that by allowing myself to participate within thoughts about humanity, I am separating myself from humanity and limiting and compromising myself within my process of standing up for what is best for all.

Day 97: Conclusion - restart

This is the conclusion of a streak of self-forgiveness statements. I've allowed myself to skip 3 days of blogging again, and it is not something that I recommend to myself in my future ventures.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that people in my vicinity will feel less than and inferior within comparison with me, when I do what I perceive to be best for all, instead of realising and understanding that it is actually me, who is feeling superior to them within my perception that I am doing what is best for all, not realising and understanding that I am participating within a self-validation mind polarity construct, within which I will make myself feel more than and superior and positive and good, when I perceive that I am doing something that is best for all, and I will feel negative, less than, inferior, bad and ashamed of myself, when I see/perceive myself doing something in my self-interest only.

When and as I see myself feeling superior to others in relation to perceiving myself to be doing what is best for all, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I have caught myself in a mind polarity construct, where I think more of myself and define/perceive myself as superior to people who do not do process consciously, when I perceive myself to be doing something that is best for all, not realising and understanding that I am participating in backchat about myself and others, and with that abusing myself, my physical body and others in order to make myself feel the positive energetic experience of me being 'good'. Therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath and I do not allow any kind of thoughts within me.

I commit myself to through writing and self-forgiveness and self-corrective application stop all thoughts/perceptions/opinions/self-validation about my physical actions and my self-expression, and eradicate from myself all polarity constructs about me doing process and me doing what is best for all, because I realise and understand that as soon as I have a thought about anything, I am experiencing myself as ego that is searching for it's positive energetic experience, and am thus not breathing and really standing as and doing what is best for all.

Day 96: "With kind regards, Hilda"

While walking my Process, I was, and still am, becoming increasingly aware of the preprogrammed nature of the human mind. Through self-honest communication, I was able to establish that all minds do in fact work the same, and that we all have the same thought patterns, desires, wants, and needs. We (our minds) are all a consequence of the environmental programming of this day and age, and we all work and act solely based on survival within a corrupted system that does not support what is Best for All.

Through realising and understanding how my own mind works, I have automatically realised and understood how the minds of other people work. I used this to my advantage numerous times, within my own survival mode. I manipulated and deceived - myself, as well as others. It is, in fact, a process, which does take a long time to walk, and I'm still not even halfway through.
The (self-)manipulation and deception carried consequences, and within my best efforts to communicate with non-strangers in my life, I always manifested some conflict or other through trying to make others understand what I had understood about myself in relation to the world, without taking into consideration the simple fact that the mind does not want to understand due to it's self-accepted beliefs and mode of operation. I 'knew' this, but I didn't apply it, because I was caught in my own beliefs and wants/needs/desires, in which I believed that I need to interact with others in order to be 'normal'.

Somewhere along the line I deprogrammed myself enough, and I let go of the beliefs that I am "a social animal that needs to interact with others and that this is normal". I'm quite content with myself without having to interact with others. I walk my process, I amalgamate with myself, and I do not need others to confirm and validate me anymore. Moreover, communication with others, especially non-strangers, has become a tiring hassle. With strangers, who know nothing of me, and have no pre-conceived ideas of me, I get along famously. I stick to common sense, and am always able to within interaction with them come to a point of agreement.

But with non-strangers in my life, it's a whole different story. Since I haven't yet deprogrammed enough, to be absolutely clear and Here within communication with them, I react. I react to the self-deceptive nature of the communication that is going on, and I cannot get myself to convey common sense due to some limitation or other, be it not wanting to insult them or otherwise. Therefore, in past communications, I kept myself mostly quiet. I would let them rant on about how great they are, and I would not challenge them in their beliefs about themselves and the world. But inside I would be screaming, because I was torturing myself with making myself listen to this bullshit, without knowing what the hell to reply without triggering their ego-programs. Therefore, eventually, I took myself out of the communication game with friends and family. I understand that as long as I have reactions to them, I will not be able to convey to them the common sense and what has to be done, therefore I keep myself out of their company, and I mostly focus on my process and work, and I have fun. It's fun to get to know oneself and how one works and how this world works. There's so much to be done that I do not even notice or perceive myself as being 'antisocial'. I like it. There's not much energy involved. Within communication with others there's so much energy involved, that by the time the interaction is over, I am exhausted - simply from holding myself back from communicating what I see, because I know that I am reacting and that they won't want to understand.

When I am forced to interact with people who do not do Process, and are not capable of self-honesty and vulnerability, and are not strangers to me, I have no self-expression. I stifle it and suppress it, because I see the consequences of not doing so. Therefore I like to give them the impression that they're being listened to (a point to write out), to not come off as rude and like I'm ignoring them, which would make them feel negative, as I do not want to make others feel what I do not want to feel myself. But when 'forced' to participate in that ongoing, never-ending, energetic, self-validating ego communication, I am absolutely bored. I usually start  looking at insects, because I see more Life in that tiny organism than in the owner of the pie-hole that is talking words in my direction. (I still have serious contempt for humanity, which I need to deal with.)

It's sometimes very frustrating to be able to see so many things, but not be able to communicate about them. So I keep myself at my process, and mostly communicate only with people in process, and now also my newly-acquired flatmates, who are pretty much still strangers at this point, and have no pre-conceived ideas and perceptions about me. I keep communication with them at a level of common sense and realisations, based on personal experiences. I refrain myself from sharing My knowledge and information. They accept me very well.

As for others, I cannot force myself to interact with them on a non-emergency basis, because I simply cannot handle that sort of communication yet. I am not yet able to convey to them common sense, without reacting to the self-deceptive nature of the communication, therefore I will keep myself away from them, until I am able to do so. That point does come eventually - I have already proven this to myself with some friends and family. Tests do come, and I pass or fail them as I go. It's a trial and error method, as this is not something that has ever before been done by anyone or any group of people. Self-honesty is literally being done/walked for the first time in history by a significant group of people, and I am extremely glad that I have the opportunity to be part of it and learn to stand as the change that I want to see in the world.
If my friends and family cannot be a part of that - so be it. Friends and family are merely programs. Life, on the other hand, is something that I have yet to fully realise and understand, but I'm enjoying the Process more than I have ever enjoyed any kind of programmed behaviour and interaction in this life. Therefore I will keep going, and whomever wants to come along, is very welcome to do so.

Day 95: HOW IS STARVATION JUSTIFIABLE???

Watching a documentary - the team of cameramen, directors, producers, drivers, guides and whoknowswhoelse are following a pride of starving lions. STARVING. As in no food. A state that countless other beings, including a third of humanity, are experiencing - on this more than abundant planet.

I have been watching these "documentaries" ever since I was little, and I always wondered, why the hell those people, that are around, do not save or help the animal that they're "documenting".

It's so simple that even a child gets it. Go get food. Give the food to the animal or starving human. It's not rocket science.

Why is it that we do not want to understand this, and why is it that we can write kilometres of useless words just to justify it instead of simply doing it? It would take way less time and effort.

Where exactly have we taken this abominable turn? We need to retrace our steps and get it right this time.
www.equalmoney.org

Day 95: Wanting to experience infatuation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to get a feeling of infatuation from my partner/men, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to experience infatuation and all the good feelings that I have attached to it, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, within which I want to make myself feel more of myself, feel positive, more than, superior and good within the temporary energetic feeling of infatuation, for which I know that it lasts for only so long, and on the flip side I will feel negative, inferior, less than and bad, when I do not get this sensation from my partner and cannot generate and create this sensation within myself through my partner's behaviour and reaction to me.

I realise and understand that the feeling of infatuation is a mind construct, which enables me to feel better than usual, it is the drug that keeps me occupied and separated from all that is here, unable to take into consideration anything but my own energetic wants, needs and desires. I realise and understand that the feeling of infatuation has been specifically designed in order to keep me enslaved to my own creations and perceptions of myself around another human being. I realise and understand that by wanting/needing/desiring to be infatuated and to see/perceive my partner to be infatuated with me, I am closing myself /us off into an energetic bubble of my own experience, and with this neglecting and deliberately ignoring equality.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become annoyed, resentful and angry with my partner, and in turn with myself for being with my partner, when and as I do not see/perceive him to be giving the 'right vibes' for me to generate the feeling of infatuation within myself, instead of realising and understanding that I am in a withdrawal-like state, where I need my energetic fix, and my mind is throwing a fit, because I cannot feed it the energies it requires to sustain itself in my self-created perceptions and definitions of how relationships in this world should be.


Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive the feeling of infatuation to be the ultimate and best feeling that a human being can experience, and therefore always look for other human beings/men, around which I could within myself generate this feeling of infatuation, instead of realising and understanding that I am trapping myself with this energetic passing feeling that never lasts into a slow but sure decline of myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blindly chase the energetic feeling of infatuation, and feel more than and superior, whenever I get to experience it, and feel less than and inferior and sad and wishful and bad about myself, whenever I do not experience the feeling of infatuation, not realising and understanding that I am participating within a polarity construct with which I only feed energy to my mind as ego, and am separating myself from myself and all that is here.

I commit myself to through writing and self-forgiveness and self-corrective application identify and remove any and all remaining wishes for experiencing infatuation, because I realise and understand that otherwise I am chasing an illusion, an energetic entity, that I can only sustain within myself for so long, until it wears off, and I have to start looking for it all over again, thus eternally trapping myself into cycles of positivity and negativity, within which I look to remove the negative and gain the positive, and within which I disable and separate myself from seeing and understanding all that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good, more than and superior to myself and others, when and as I see and perceive that I am able to generate the feeling of infatuation within myself around another human being/other human beings as catalyst and trigger point, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within a polarity construct, where on the flip side I will feel negative and inferior and less than and not good enough around people, if I perceive myself unable to instigate them through my picture presentation and my intelligence, knowledge and information to give a response, through which I will be able to generate this feeling within myself.

Day 94: Reacting to the abuse that is going on in the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be saddened, overwhelmed, angered and outraged by the damage that humanity does to Earth and itself as water wars, wars for resources, murders, pollution, famine, animal slaughter, deforestation, oil drilling and other things that I define/perceive as atrocities, instead of realising and understanding that having emotional reactions to these things will not change the situation, and that with these emotional reactions I am participating within a mind polarity construct, within which I will separate myself from humanity by feeling, perceiving and defining myself to be above, superior and more than other human beings, enforcing it with backchat and actual statements to other people such as "How can they do this", and "I would never do such a thing", and on the flip side I will feel inferior and less than and powerless to do anything about the abuse on the global scale, or dare to do anything about abuse in my vicinity, because I will be scared for my own physical well-being and will be scared of conflict with the 'abusers', which I will then compensate for with superiority as hatred towards humans and humanity for allowing and exercising such abuse, not realising and understanding that I myself am directly responsible as all humans of all of humanity for all the abuse, which I allow by participating within the system of survival in fear and self-interest, when I am only concerned with my own momentary well-being and will disregard the big picture with everything and everyone that is here within my concern for my own survival.


When and as I see myself becoming emotionally involved in things that I perceive/define as atrocities and abuse, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that within my emotional reaction, I am only perpetuating the abuse, because I perceive myself to be better than others for having an emotional response and being affected by the abuse, but I am really only allowing myself to energetically timeloop and not apply myself in breath towards finding a solution for the actual abuse. I realise and understand that I am only separating myself from all that is here by feeling superior to others about having an emotional response, with which I only feed my mind as ego, and do not direct myself in breath towards what is best for all. Therefore I release the trigger point of the emotional response to abuse with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards applying myself to find solutions for stopping the actual abuse.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of standing up against abuse in my vicinity, whenever I see it going on, because I am too scared of physical and verbal conflict, and will justify it with the thought that it is not my problem, but will later on talk about it and make myself superior to it, not realising and understanding that this is the exact way that I am responsible for the abuse that is accepted and allowed in this world.

When and as I see myself being afraid of speaking out against abuse that I clearly see going on in my vicinity, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I will not do so out of fear and survival and my own self-interest, therefore I release the point of fear with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards pointing out and speaking out against the abuse that I see going on.


I commit myself to through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application stop and remove any and all emotional reactions, responses and thoughts towards things that I perceive as abuse, because I realise and understand that I, together with all of humanity, am directly responsible for the abuse that is going on in the world by not giving a shit about anything else but my own survival that is powered by fear. Therefore I commit myself to stop and remove all fears, which fuel my self-interest and because of which I do not allow myself to stand up for what is best for all life in all ways.

I commit myself to standing up and showing others as a living example of myself that humanity and Earth can exist in a way that is best for all life.

Day 93: Time is Money

A few days ago I was working all day long. In the short breaks that I took, I read up on the blogs, and at some point I went to the toilet and realised that this was the only activity I did for myself and myself only. I hadn't done anything that I find enjoyable all day long. It was all work and no play.
I found myself thinking about how the prices of living went up, while I still work for the same amount of money as three years ago. I thought about how people with families have to struggle in order to put food on the table for their children, and how some of them work two or three jobs. I realised that time is in fact money, and at this point we are running out of time in order to ensure the necessary amount of money for our families to survive. Salaries remain the same and/or are dropping, but the prices are going up. At this rate we'll all be struggling to survive in no time. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a slave to the system, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the system by perceiving myself as a slave of the system, instead of realising and understanding that I am creating the system within my mind, in part by allowing myself to feel like a slave to the system and feel inferior to the system.
Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compensate for my feelings of inferiority to and powerlessness against the system with superiority as anger at the system, instead of realising and understanding that by doing so, I am only participating in the opposite polarity of the same coin of the system and feeding energy to my mind as ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the system within my anger towards it, instead of realising that within this I am abdicating my responsibility by thinking that it is something outside of myself, instead of realising and understanding that I, together with all of humanity, am the creator of the system, and the fact that I was not aware of how I'm doing it, doesn't make it any less so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for allowing myself to co-create and participate within such an abusive system as we have on the planet today, instead of realising and understanding that with being angry with myself, I am only wasting time and timelooping and preventing myself from actually changing the system within myself into one that always considers what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply accept the world system of money to be as it is with my fears and wants/needs of security, instead of realising that this is exactly the way that the world system is built up - from within each and every single human being - feeling and thinking the exact same thoughts that I think and feel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to point fingers and blame other people for upholding the abusive system that we live in, instead of realising that I myself in their position would probably do the same due to the automated nature of the system, thus I am essentially blaming myself, instead of stopping the blame and changing myself in order to stand as an example of change and as an example of a different system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and doubt that people will never change and will never want to hear about implementing a new system, because they're too busy with their lives and areaddicted to their personalities, instead of realising and understanding that I am sabotaging myself with such thoughts, because I'm projecting a part of myself that doesn't want to stand up and walk the necessary walk that needs to be done in order to change the system.

When and as I see myself thinking and perceiving that people will never want to change, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am projecting a part of myself, which wants to give up on itself in abdication of self-responsibility and in self-interest, therefore I remove the trigger point and origin of such thoughts, and I direct myself in breath towards what is best for all.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all self-sabotaging thoughts because of which I allow myself to skip days of blogging, and all wishes/wants/needs/desires for self-indulgence and justifications that I deserve them, because I realise and understand that by allowing such constructs within myself, I am sabotaging myself and giving myself permission to loop and not stand up.

Day 92: Wanting my partner to treat me as special and more than others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unapreciated, inferior, less than and negative, when and as I see and perceive my partner regarding and being more attentive towards other people than me. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for my partner to always regard me first, and with this show his care for me, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within a relationship polarity construct, within which I want my partner to always consider me first, when aroudn other people, in order for me to feel superior, more than, positive and good, like I am more important to him than other people, and on the flip side, I will feel neagtive, less than, bad and inferior, whenever I perceive that this is not the case.


When and as I see myself wanting to perceive that I am more important to my partner than other people, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, within which I want to make myself superior to other people, and am with this disregarding equality, therefore I release the trigger point and direct myself in breath towards what is best for all in awareness that wanting to be special to my partner is a mind fuckup, with which I separate myself from all that is here and generating power for my mind as ego.


I commit myself to through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application stop and remove all desires for special treatment from my partner, because I realise and understand that special treatment implies inequality and leads to separation.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with jealousy, anger, disappointment, resentment and frustration, whenever I see and perceive my partner being more attentive towards other people, instead of realising and understanding that I am validating myself according to his actions, and am comparing myself to those people, and I will perceive myself as inferior, when I perceive him to be nicer to other people than me, which I then compensate with superiority as anger and frustration, not realising and understanding that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, within which I generate energy for my mind as ego.


When and as I see myself having emotional reactions to my partner's actions and behaviour towards other people and perceive them to be different than towards me, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am making my partner responsible for the way I am experiencing myself, which is silly, because I generate my own energetic reactions within myself, therefore I release the trigger point of the reaction with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.


I commit myself to stopping and removing all of my perceptions, where I make my partner responsible for the way I experience myself, because I realise and understand that by participating wihtin a relationship of such interaction with my partner, where I want him to make me feel good by putting me above all other people, I am abdicating my absolute self-responsibility, and neglecting and disregarding my self-honest expression in breath.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need constant validation from my partner in terms of being more special to him than other people, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for and search out situations that would point to the opposite, within which I would find a reason to create conflict between us and create resistance within myself to power my mind as ego through that conflict, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I will feel superior, more than and positive, when I perceive that my partner regards me as special and more than others, and will feel negative, less than and inferior, when I perceive that my partner doesn't regard me as special and more than others, not realising and understanding that by participating within all this bullshit I am abdicating my self-responsibility by making my partner responsible for how I experience myself through my own perceptions of his behaviour, and am neglecting and negating equality and creating separation as friction to power my mind as ego.


When and as I see myself wanting to validate myself as more than through perceiving myself as being more special to my partner through his behaviour, and wishing him to behave in a way so that I could perceive this, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a relationship construct, within which I will abdicate my own self-responsibility and expect my partner to make me feel more than, superior positive and good, and will lash out at him, when I generate inferiority within myself according to my perception of his behaviour around other people, therefore I release the trigger point with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath in equality without making my self-experience dependant on my partner's behaviour, actions and words.

I commit myself to stop being dependent on my partner for the creation and generating good feelings within myself about myself, because I realise and understand that this is not self-responsibility in equality, it is in fact separation created in friction, with which I only power my mind as ego.

Day 91: Addicted to conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become addicted to conflict with my partner, instead of realising and understanding that I myself am generating this conflict in order to feed my mind energy by participating within a polarity relationship fighting construct, where I make myself feel energetic and superior and more than and positive within my perception of being right, which is my righteousness, and will make myself feel less than, inferior and negative, when I perceive that my partner has made a good argument against me being right.


When and as I see myself looking for reasons to attack my partner and make him feel guilty and inferior, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that by generating conflict between us, I am only powering myself as ego, and am abusing him by putting him in an inferior position, thus I am stiffling our equality and am making us unable to communicate as equals, because he will fear open communication with me. Therefore I release the trigger point of wanting to fight with my partner with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath with common sense towards what is best for our agreement.


I commit myself to stopping and removing any and all fighting patterns from within myself, because I realise and understand that by participating in and generating fighting, I am perpetuating my addiction to conflict, within which I power myself as ego through feeling superior and more than and like a winner and positive, if I make my partner subdue himself and put him in an inferior position and get him to do whatever I want him to do, AND through feeling inferior, whenever I perceive I am unable to do that to my partner. Till here, no further!!!


I commit myself to through writing and self-forgiveness stop and remove all conflict patterns from within myself, because I realise and understand that I create conflict only to power myself as ego, and am as such the sole cause of war within this world.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create conflict between myself and my surroundings, be it my partner, my siblings and family or strangers, because I realise and understand that I have been creating conflict because of my constant feeling of inferiority, so when I perceive that someone is criticising me or otherwise causing me to create inferiority within myself, I would try to compensate for that feeling with exerting superiority as anger towards them and try to through that anger get them to say or do something that would make me feel better, thus creating conflict between us and disabling us from effectively communicating.

When and as I see myself reacting with superiority as anger towards something that someone said or did, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I am with that anger compensating for a feeling of inferiority that I have caused within myself, therefore I release the point and origin of inferiority and direct myself in breath towards what is best for all.


I commit myself to stopping and removing with writing and self-forgiveness all creation of inferiority within myself triggered by points from within and without, because I realise and understand that by creating inferiority within myself, I will want to compensate with outwardly projected superiority as anger, with which I will create conflict within myself and my outer world.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior, whenever I see/perceive that someone is not agreeing with me, and will want to compensate for that feeling with superiority as anger towards them, instead of remaining here in breath and directing myself according to common sense.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my partner must always agree with me, even if I said a total bullshit statement, instead of realising and understanding that I will want him to agree with me so that I could perpetuate a constant feeling of superiority and positiveness and more than within myself, and because of that I will demand that my partner agree with me and support me in front of others all the time.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior and less than and betrayed, whenever my partner does not agree with me in front of others and does not support my claims by agreeing with me, which I will want to compensate for with being angry at my partner for not agreeing with me, instead of realising and understanding that within doing so, I am participating within a mind polarity relationship construct, within which I will generate energy for my mind through either feeling superior or inferior according to my partner agreeing or disagreeing with me.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior and more than and righteous, whenever I am fighting with my partner about things that I perceive him to be guilty of, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I will want to fight and have conflicts with my partner, because I am addicted to the feeling of superiority that I generate with it, with which I compensate for the constant feeling of inferiority that I feel around my partner, within which I need him to reassure me that he likes me, and when I do not get that reassurance, I lash out and fight him.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to get constant reassurance from my partner that he likes me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly feel inferior around my partner, whenever I perceive that he doesn't give me enough care and reassurance that I am ok and that he wants to be with me, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within a self-validating mind polarity construct, where I will feel more than and superior and positive and good, whenever I perceive that my partner cares for me through him hugging and kissing me and telling me things that make me feel good about myself, and I will feel less than, inferior, negative and bad, whenever I perceive that my partner does not care for me, because he is not hugging me, kissing me, and not telling me things that make me feel good about myself, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for things to blame my partner for, like his thought processes about his ex, where I will blame him for still liking her more than me, within which I will make myself feel inferior, and then will want to compensate for that feeling with superiority as anger, not realising and understanding that I am compromising myself and our agreement within doing so, because I am creating friction as separation within myself and between us and with it powering my mind as ego.


When and as I see myself looking for points in my partner that I could be angry of, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within an automated mind polartiy pattern, within which I am looking to with superiority as anger compensate for some feeling/thought of inferiority, therefore I release the trigger point of the desire to fight my partner, and I direct myself in breath towards what is best for our agreement.


I commit myself to through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, stop and remove all conflict patterns from myself, because I realise and understand that I create conflict within myself and project it onto my partner in order to create energy for my mind by projecting superiority as anger towards him to compensate for feelings of inferiority that I have generated within myself with thoughts towards him, therefore 
I commit myself to immediately breathe and remove those thoughts with self-forgiveness, because I do not allow conflict to exist within me anymore, as I realise and understand that it is only a way of energizing myself and abusing myself and others.