Monday, 31 December 2012
Day 83: Fear of the past repeating itself within my partnership
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately react with fear, anger, frustration, violence and hatred, whenever I hear my partner's message sound from his phone and/or his ex's ring tone, and fear that the message is from his ex, who is trying to manipulate him into straying away from me. I realise and understand that this is due to memories of past experiences, where my partner acted in a way that I did not perceive as best for all/me, within which I experienced being neglected and left out and felt inferior and negative. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remember past occurrences with my partner, whenever I hear his ex's ringtone and message tone, and expect the worst, and for past experiences to repeat themselves, and within this blame my partner for me making myself feel bad based on hearing these sounds, instead of remaining here in breath and directing myself according to what is here.
When and as I hear my partner's message tone and/or his ex's ringtone from his phone, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I have built up a reaction mechanism in my mind based on memories of past experiences, and whenever I hear the ringtones, I become afraid of those past experiences repeating themselves, within which I do not regard what is here, but allow myself to be directed by fears. Therefore when I hear the ringtones, I do not allow myself to go into fear and anger and react with violence within my body, but I remain here in breath and direct myself according to what is here.
I commit myself to through writing and self-forgiveness stop and remove any and all reactions towards ringtones that I hear from my partner's phone, because I realise and understand that I have built up those reactions from fears based on memories of past events, where my partner would communicate through his phone and act in a way that I perceived as not best for me and as harmful for me, and now I am being directed by this fear of the past repeating itself, instead of me directing me in breath according to what is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to memories of past experiences with my partner of him acting in a way that I perceived as bad for myself, and within this build up constructs of hatred, anger, resentment and frustration towards him and his ex, and allow these memories and feelings to fester within me, and explode in violent reactions, whenever I access them in my mind when I hear ringtones from my partner's phone and when a memory about past experiences gets triggered within me in any other way, instead of realising and understanding that within this I am enslaving myself to my own mind's mechanisms and fears that I have allowed to exist within me.
When and as I see myself accessing memories of past experiences with my partner that I perceive and define as bad, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am giving into a fear mechanism, where I fear that the past will repeat itself, within which I will try to make myself feel superior to compensate for past feelings of inferiority and helplesness, and will try to with anger as superiority prevent past experiences from repeating themselves, thus I will try to scare my partner into not behaving the way that he used to behave in the past, so that I would not have to go through the emotional turmoil that I have saved in my memory bank for futuresurvival within our relationship. I also realise and understand that by making my partner afraid of me with anger, I am driving him further away from me and disabling myself and him from effectively communicating about the point that we're experiencing, therefore I release the trigger point of my reaction and the memories that support it with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards what is best for our agreement.
I commit myself to through writing and self-forgiveness identify and remove all memories and mind constructs and reactions, which I have build up in my mind about past experiences with my partner, because I realise and understand that as long as I allow our past to influence and direct our current experience, I am not directing myself in breath as an expression of Life, of myself Here, but as a fear system of survival.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my partner for giving into his ex's manipulations and promisses of safety, despite me warning him about what is going to happen, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior for having beein right, and I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be angry at him because I perceived that he didn't take me into account and neglected my well-being, when he was pursuing his illusion of safety with his ex, and within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel bitter about him not wanting to listen to me at that time.
When and as I see myself becoming angry at my partner for the way that he behaved towards me in the past, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind timeline construct, within which I will re-live the bad feelings that I have allowed myself to feel and become part of me in the past, when my partner behaved in a way that i perceived to be bad for me, and I will try to compensate for those bad feelings with making myself appear superior and more than with anger towards him, and will try to make him feel bad about his past behaviour towards me, so that he wouldn't repeat his behaviour from the past, thus I am creating and participating within an energetic polarity construct of my mind, within which I will generate energy through friction as judgement of my partner and consequentially myself, as I identify myself with the relationship with my partner and feel good or bad according to my perception of his behaviour, and thus I feed my mind as ego and allow the energies to flow between polarities, not realising and understanding that those energies are being created from the very substance of my body. Therefore I release the trigger point of my anger towards my partner for our past experiences together with self-forgiveness and direct myself towards what is best for our agreement in breath, here.
I commit myself to through writing and self-forgiveness and self-corrective application in breath stop and remove all reactions and feelings of anger towards my partner for his past behaviour, because I realise and understand that by acting from within memories of the past, I am not allowing our expression to flow freely Here in Breath, and I am stifling and suppressing our progress with Process by making us both unable to talk and discuss the point that we are facing.