Friday, 7 December 2012

Day 68: Paranoia



This is how I write myself out when I'm in the most terrible turmoil and cannot even think straight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience violence within myself when and as I see/perceive that my partner doesn't want to live with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on my partner that we will live together, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior and scared and less than, when I see/perceive that he doesn't want to live with me, and feel superior, more than and like a winner, when I see/perceive that he does want to live with me.

When and as I see myself reacting to my partner not wanting to live with me, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I want to live with my partner so that I wouldn't have to be absolutely self-responsible, therefore I release the trigger point with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

I commit myself to stopping and removing any and all reactions to my partner not wanting to live with me, because I realise and understand that this is stemming from me not wanting to be alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define my partner as a person that will never stand up within himself without my help whenever I see/perceive that he is dwindling from process, instead of realising and understanding that within this I am making myself feel superior and more than him in order to mask my being insulted, whenever I perceive that he doesn't want to stand up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for my partner to do process in order for him to want to be with me, because he would see in common sense that it is the best option that he has, instead of realising and understanding that within this I am trying to force him to do process, which results in friction as separation and I am feeding my mind with energy.

When and as I see myself wanting my partner  to do process, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that this is due to my fear that otherwise he will not want to live with me, and if that happens, I will feel defeated and less than and inferior, which I am trying to avoid by making him do process, therefore I release the trigger point with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all desires to push my partner to do process, and I commit myself to embrace my partner, because I realise and understand that if I push him to do process, I will cause friction as separation between us and cause the opposite effect of the intended one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger, frustration and resentment, whenever I see/perceive other girls/people trying to persuade my partner to not be with me and to not move in with me, instead of realising and understanding that I am exerting anger as superiority, because I feel inferior to them and am afraid that they might succeed.

When and as I see myself becoming angry at other people, when I perceive that they want to persuade my partner into not being with me, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that this is coming from a point, a polarity construct within my mind, within which I compete with those people, and want to win over them, and will feel superior and more than, if I see/perceive that my partner is listening to me, and will feel inferior and less than, when I perceive that my partner is listening to them, thus I am feeding my mind energy through friction within myself, therefore I release the trigger point with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all reactions of anger and frustration towards people whom I perceive are trying to persuade my partner into not moving in with me, because I realise and understand that this frustration is coming from a point of competition, which I do not allow myself anymore.

I commit myself to stopping and removing any and all points of desiring validation within myself from other people, because I realise and understand that by validating myself through the eyes of others, I am powering my mind as ego through wanting to get positive affirmations from them, so I would feel superior, and will feel inferior if I don't get affirmations from them, or when I get feedback from them that I perceive as negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger, frustration, indignancy and resentment towards people, whom I perceive to be communicating to me with a superior tone and make fun of them in my head that they want validation for their superiority, instead of realising and understanding that I am reacting from a point within myself, where I try to make myself superior to others.

When and as I see myself reacting towards people whom I perceive to be superior to me, I stop and I breathe. I realise that I am reacting like this because I feel inferior to them somehow, therefore i release the point of inferiority with self-forgiveness and idrect myself in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to someone who I define/perceive to be the boss in an apartment, and therefore feel like I have to listen to them , give them respect and be quiet around them, instead of realising and understanding that I am compromising myself with this.

When and as I see myself feeling inferior to x/women, and compensating it with superior backchat within myself, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I make myself feel inferior to people who have money and perceived power, and will compensate with nasty backchat in the style of "you're so limited" within me, thus powering my mind as ego, therefore I release the trigger point with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

I commit myself to stopping and removing any and all points of inferiority and superiority towards x/women, and communicate myself openly with her/them, because I realise and understand that otherwise I am creating friction within myself and between us and causing separation to feed my mind as ego.

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