Tuesday, 4 December 2012
Day 66: Perceived security with others and secrecy within a partnership
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not fully and completely trust myself, when I am alone, but need other people around me in order to feel safe and secure, because I do not trust myself that I will be able to take care of myself financially, if I remain alone, instead of realising and understanding that I already did take care of myself, when I was alone, and by fearing to be alone and not trusting myself when I am alone, I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I will feel safe and secure around other people and define/perceive them as support, and rely on them to take care of me and back me up financially more than I rely on myself, within which I am giving my power away to those people, and on the flip side I will feel usafe and insecure, when I do not have other people around me that I could define and perceive as support and a 'safety net' in my life.
When and as I see myself needing/wanting/desiring to be around other people and have other people around me in order for me to feel secure and safe and financially backed up, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I have defined safety and security with having money and having other people that have money around me, which is a polarity construct of my mind, within which I will feel safe and secure if/when I perceive that there is enough money as security in my vicinity and at my disposal for my survival, and will feel unsafe and insecure, when there are no other people around me with money - where I will have to rely on myself only - and will feel insecure because I do not trust myself fully and completely to be able to take care of myself financially and ensure my own survival within this world. Therefore I release the trigger point of desiring other people to be around me for support with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.
I commit myself to through writing and self-forgiveness stop and remove all wants/needs/desires for having other people around me for material and financial support, because I realise and understand that within needing other people to support me, I am not standing on my own as myself, but am giving my power away to relationships with other people, I am making myself dependent on them and I am not directing myself, but rather am allowing myself to be directed by decisions that are being made by the people that I have allowed myself to rely on.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust my partner to make decisions that will be beneficial to me and not trust my partner in general, instead of realising and understanding that I am building this distrust based on memories of past experiences with my partner, where I have allowed myself to feel hurt and wronged by my partner and his decisions, not realising and understanding that by allowing these memories of past experiences to exist within me, I am building up a mind construct of distrust and separation within myself towards my partner, within which I will need/want/desire to have control over every little thing that he does and says in order to make myself feel secure and sure that his decisions are beneficial to me and that he is not abusing my trust for his own self-interest, and I will feel positive, more than and superior, when I perceive that I have that constrol over him, and feel inferior, less than and negative, when I perceive that I do not have that constrol over him.
When and as I see myself not trusting my partner to make decisions that are benficial to me, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that this distrust is actually coming from me not trusting myself to take care of myself alone fully and completely, and I am actually relying on my relationship with my partner to take care of me, within which I am abdicating my power and self-responsibility to the relationship construct, therefore I investigate where I do not trust myself completely and fully, remove the points with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.
I commit myself to through writing and self-forgiveness stop and remove all distrust that I have towards my partner, because I realise and understand that this distrust is stemming from me not trusting myself to take care of myself in every moment of every breath and is connected to my fear of the future and not being able to take care of myself financially in the future, therefore I will remove all points/future dimensions of the mind, within which I participate, and bring myself back here into breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in secrecy manipulate my friends into manipulating my partner or another man into doing my bidding and act the way I want them to act, instead of realising and understanding that within this I am making myself superior in secrecy, and I am hiding from others in order for them to not see the nastiness of my plans, because I know that within common sense I would not pass with my behaviour.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to get men/my partner to meet with me in secrecy and hidden from other people, so that I could manipulate them emotionally into serving my self-interest, instead of realising and understanding that I am hiding behind my "right to a private conversation" in order for me to through (self)manipulation and lies have them do things and act the way I want them to in my self-interest, not realising and understanding that I am participating within a polarity construct of the mind, where I will want to feel superior to other people that I am hiding this from by manipulating in secrecy, and will feel inferior to other people, which is the cause of me manipulating in secrecy, so that I could not be overpowered or countered by other people's arguments/common sense.
When and as I see myself wanting to talk to another person in secrecy, I stop and I breathe. I check my starting point for wanting to speak to them in secret, because I realise and understand that I mostly want to speak to others privately, because I have something to hide from others/want to lie, for which I need privacy, within which I will feel secure and so compensate for feeling inferior and being afraid of other people judging me for my thoughts and words, therefore I release the desire to speak to someone in private and direct myself in breath.
I commit myself to stopping and removing all needs for privacy within myself, because I realise and understand that wanting to have privacy means that I want to lie to/manipulate other people/myself, which is a construct of the mind, within which I am looking to have power over others with manipulation.