Monday, 25 March 2013

Day 133: "I'm a freak"

Yesterday I remembered how I always perceived myself as a freak and out of place, always and everywhere, simply for being fat. In my pre-teens I thought that due to being so different physically, my life and behaviour and relationships will also be totally different.
Then through puberty I kind of tried blending in and persuading myself that I am a 'normal person', although I am fat. I was falling in love with the same pretty guys as thin girls, and I wished I could enjoy girlie stuff like playing with clothes, and later manipulating and seducing with clothes, but perceived myself as unable to, due to being fat.
So the process of programming my mind about this stuff went from first creating self-judgement about being abnormal by referencing my surroundings and especially the (anti)social media, then suppressing it and layering a 'trying to blend in and be normal' pattern over it. It never worked, of course, because I was physically different to my references to start with, therefore I grew angrier and angrier.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define myself as an abnormal person due to being fat, as a freak that no one could and/or would ever love, and then I allowed this perception to grow into a fear out of the desire to be normal and be loved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that other people are seeing/perceiving/defining me as a freak and abnormal person, because I was the one that labelled myself as such, and would then project this onto other people in my surroundings. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that no one will ever love me and that no one could ever love me, instead of realising and understanding that this fear is coming from my own relationship with myself, where I didn't love myself but in fact hated myself for being fat and labelled myself as a freak for it.

When and as I see myself perceiving myself as an abnormal person and a freak for being fat, and when I see myself thinking that other people are seeing/perceiving me as an abnormal person and a freak for being fat, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am projecting onto myself through myself or other people self-hatred, which I allowed to fester within me for being fat, not realising and understanding that I can stop and change this experience of myself in breath. Therefore I release the trigger point of perceiving myself as abnormal and a freak with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath within equality with myself without self-judgement and self-deprecation.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my self-hatred and my own labelling of myself as a freak onto my partner, where I would then think/believe/perceive and be afraid of my partner seeing me the way I see myself (as a freak), and would then lash out at him, and demand, tacitly and covertly through blackmailing him that I will leave or violently burst out and break something, for him to show me his appreciation and love, so that I could at least have that from him, because I perceived that I was unable to give this to myself.

When and as I see myself looking for and demanding of my partner to show me love and appreciation, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's construct of self-hatred and self-deprecation, where I hate myself very much, and want to counter it by having my partner show me his appreciation and love so that I wouldn't feel like I am not worthy of those, which is how I felt about myself inside. Therefore I release the trigger point of wanting my partner to show me appreciation and love with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath within respecting/regarding/considering myself as an equal to all human beings and without self-hatred and self-deprecation. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I could never ever love myself and respect myself and genuinely care for myself because I was fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to succumb to feelings of sadness (which I would then transform into anger as to not perceive myself as weak), which I created and generated from the thoughts that "I am fat and therefore no one could ever like me and love me", instead of realising that I myself am the creator of my own experience and that I do not have to allow such thoughts to exist within me.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within myself and then periodically generate feelings of inadequacy within comparison with pictures of thin women, from which I would power my self-hatred and be sad, angry and bewildered as to why I cannot lose weight and why I have to be fat and not have what I perceived to be a normal life.


When and as I see myself generating within myself the feeling of inadequacy through comparison with thin women in terms of how males perceive me and them, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's ego polarity construct in order to keep my ego going within self-judgement and the polarity of wanting to be superior and feeling inferior to other/thin women, with which I generate energy for my mind to survive as ego and am not regarding myself as life in breath. Therefore I immediately stop and remove the trigger point of generating inadequacy about myself within myself with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath within consideration of me as life, not a picture with which I compare and compete with other women for the attention and love of males, because I realise and understand that this is an ego program, an energetic program within which I only exist as energy that needs to win and will also generate energy through feeling as a looser, instead of being here as myself as breath.

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