Thursday, 21 March 2013

Day 130: "I have no time for myself"



I have virtually neglected my process in the last week. I allowed myself to become overwhelmed by a general feeling of wanting some time off, not having to push myself so much all the time. I've had a lot of work, and after I was done with it, I'd skip my routine of pushing myself to also write a blog and read up on other blogs. This has actually been going on for the past two months, where I'd have periods of skipping 2, 3 or 4 days of blogging, because I kinda fell asleep on my laurels, so to speak. I was under the impression that I had made great progress, that I was "different" in relation to my surroundings, and that this was enough. I thought that I had already tapped in to being so equal that I would in my daily participation do what is best for all. And then I failed a test. I failed to effectively take care of a cat that I found on the street in a state of shock, unable to move at the time. I was visiting a friend far away from where I live, when we found it. We took it to his home and had it there for the night, but in the morning we released it into the wilderness where we found it, hoping that it would be ok to take care of itself, although the cat clearly showed to us that it didn't want to leave yet. The back chats that arose to justify it were of the "I am too busy and in a hurry" kind. I had to get home, that friend had to go to work, I don't have my own car, and that friend has a dog, and his family wouldn't approve if the cat stayed, and I have work to do, and I also want some time for myself, and so on and so on. It was simply easier to release it and hope for the best, that it can take care of itself. I am so ashamed of this that I almost didn't write this text. Tried deleting it twice.
I fully realised what I did after indulging in some sweets. There I was, stuffing my face with food that made me feel good, yet I wasn't even able to take care of a cat's basic needs, which in that moment was simply letting it rest and recuperate from the shock in a safe place. Making an effort to make that possible. I failed to take care of a life. The guilt was dreadful. So I'm not that different from my surroundings, am I? Haven't really changed significantly, as I have proved to myself that in a jiffy I'd still choose my own convenience over helping another. Back to the drawing board. Process restart.

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