Friday, 22 March 2013

Day 131: Mother



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my mother, because I perceive that she hasn't taken good care of me, and that she has been taking advantage of me in order to boost her own ego at my expense, by sharing my personal information that I was sensitive to, with her friends and other people, instead of realising and understanding that I was being insulted, because I wasn't ok with who and what I am, and I was terribly concerned with what other people think of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I must have control over my mother's actions and thoughts, because I was afraid that if I didn't control what she is doing and saying, that she would somehow hurt my reputation by gossiping about me, and that she would do something irresponsible that would affect me in the end. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel desperate and powerless, because my mother wasn't around for me to control her words and actions, instead of realising and understanding that what my mother says and does does not reflect me in any way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my mother, because she allowed her friend to drive her car, which was promised to me, and then her friend smashed it, and my mother is paying it off till this very day, instead of realising and understanding that I am actually reacting in jealousy, because I perceived that my mother would rather make her friends happy and content instead of her children, because her children couldn't just walk away from her if they had a 'bad' opinion of her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive my mother as a weakling for needing other people to validate her all the time, instead of realising and understanding that within this I am judging myself as such, because I was also looking for attention and validation from my friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to control my mother's life, in order to ensure her being a good mother, a perfect TV mom that I could feel safe and secure with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to control my own life through controlling my mother, instead of simply controlling my own life directly without making my mother and other people responsible for the way my life is/was.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to refuse to help my mother with her financial problems, in order to spite her and punish her for what I perceive to have been her indiscretions towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, whenever I remember and talk about my mother's past actions and choices, instead of realising that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I am being superior to my mother through anger in order to compensate for the feeling of inferiority and helplessness and hopelessness that I have experienced in the past in relation to my mother's actions and words and behaviour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to see my mother realise what I perceive to be her bad behaviour in the past, instead of realising and understanding that I want this, because I feel hurt by her past actions and now I want retribution and I want to feel righteous and justified when seeing her cope with the consequences of her past actions and choices.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel resistance and reluctance towards helping my mother by vouching for her, because I feel like she doesn't deserve my help, because she has walked out on me in the past, so why would I help her now?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to get back at my mother and have my revenge on her for her past actions by giving her the same treatment as she has given me in the past, thus tell her that she is old enough to take care of herself and that I am not responsible for her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hatred for my mother, because I perceived that she never gave a shit about me, and has always regarded other people before me in her life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to give my mother terms and conditions that she must follow, if she wants my help, instead of realising and understanding that this is part of my wanting to take revenge on her, because I perceive that she has hurt me in the past and that she was never a good mother, and that she never took care of me adequately, instead of realising and understanding that I am within this justifying why I shouldn't help her have the best life possible based on memories of the past, thus I am participating within a mind construct instead of directing myself in breath according to common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my mother based on memories of past events and experiences, instead of realising and understanding that I am supporting the sins of those that have gone before us and not giving us a chance to forgive ourselves and continue with a clean slate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger and annoyance and frustration and resentment to what I perceive to be my mother's attempts of making herself appear special and more than other people.

When and as I see myself reacting to my mother based on memories of past experiences, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind polarity/memory construct, where I am being directed by definitions and perceptions of my mother that I have shaped throughout my life with her, instead of regarding her as an equal. Therefore I release the judgements/memories/feeling/emotions with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath and not allow myself to see/perceive my mother as anything less or more than my equal.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all my memories and perceptions and definitions of my mother, because I realise and understand that otherwise I cannot perceive her as an equal, and therefore cannot treat her as an equal being.

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