Day 128: Self-hatred

Here I start writing out my self-hatred. My buddy mentioned that it has to do with the accumulation of fat, therefore this is a continuation to my series of blogs on being fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the way my physical body looks, the way my mind works and my whole being as a presentation of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am a terrible being and that I am not worthy of Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the way I am built, to hate my height and weight and appearance, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop self-hatred as a coping mechanism for my perception that I am not good enough to succeed and make it in this life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for not looking/appearing like the girls in movies and magazines.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my body, because I perceived/thought/believed that I cannot dress the same way as thin girls do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for being lazy and define/perceive myself as a shit that doesn't get anything done, instead of realising and understanding that I am compromising myself with these thoughts/perceptions and actually rendering myself incapable and motionless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my legs, my arms, my belly, my boobs, my ass and my face for not being thin. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself, because I perceived/defined myself to be unattractive and ugly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that no man could ever love/like me, because I am fat, and therefore perceived myself as ugly. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my reflection in the mirror, and be sad and angry with myself for not being able to become thin, whenever I look at myself in the mirror, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to cry every time I see my reflection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge/perceive/define my reflection as ugly, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my reflection and physical appearance reflect who I am as Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overly nice to people as an apologetic move for my appearance. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I must apologize to everyone for having the appearance that I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that other people are perceiving my appearance as ugly and not pretty, instead of realising and understanding that I am the one that isperceiving and defining it as such.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for not being able to become thin, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to become thin in order for my father to approve of my appearance and not pick on me for it anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my father for picking on my appearance and fat, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel desperate, caught, outraged and not loved, whenever my father was picking on my appearance. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be able to develop bulimia and anorexia so that I could loose weight and get my father's approval on my appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to get my father's, mother's, friend's, family's and other people's approval on my appearance, and then hate myself for not getting it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel positive, good about myself, superior and more than, whenever someone says that I have lost weight and/or that I look good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel negative, inferior, less than and bad about myself, whenever someone says to me that I do not look good, that I look ugly and/or that I have gained weight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become angry with my mother, whenever she told me that I gained weight and that I do not look good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally and judge myself in a negative way, whenever someone tells me that I am fat and that I do not look good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seeK/want/need/desire for people to tell me that I look good and that I have a nice body, and then hate myself for not being able to have such an experience, and blame myself for being fat and not being able to hear from others that I look good and that I am pretty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that other people hate the way I look and that I will never be pretty, and therefore hate myself.

When and as I see myself feeling bad because of my appearance and reacting to my reflection in a mirror, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a self-judging construct of the mind, where I compare myself to the ideal woman in my head and am perceiving that I am not 'perfect', therefore I will feel bad about myself. Therefore I investigate the reaction and thought pattern, release it with self-forgivenessand direct myself in breath without emotional reactions to my appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my father, because I saw and perceived that he didn't like my appearance. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that no man will ever like my appearance because my father didn't like my appearance, and therefore want/need/desire to loose weight, to look nice so my father would think that I look nice, and then I believed that other men would also think that I look nice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with incredulousness and disbelief, whenever I saw/perceived that some man likes me the way I am, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start disliking that man, because I started believing that there must be something wrong with them for liking me, and I would start asking myself what is wrong with them for liking me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am so dislikable, that there must be something wrong with the men that like me, instead of realising and understanding that I have created this self-judgement based on my interaction with my father, and that this judgement does not in fact reflect on who I am or what I look like.