Friday, 31 August 2012

Day 29: Codependency

I've been walking process solo for the most part, except the last six months, when I moved in and started an agreement with a Destonian. I have 'fallen victim' to my own definitions of this person, and consequential expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to point fingers and blame my partner for the way our agreement is ending, instead of taking full responsibility for what I have participated in that helped end the agreement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push my partner and nag him to do process, because I wished that we would see eye to eye.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be with a partner who does process in order for me to feel like I 'have someone'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have someone in my life other than me that I could talk to and confide in, instead of realising how with these thoughts and wants and needs I am abdicating my absolute self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that talking to and confiding in another will help me and make me feel better, instead of applying the knowledge of trust vs. self trust.

When and as I see myself wanting to 'be close' to another, I stop and breathe. I realise that this is a program of the mind, designed to make me eternally look for relationships with other people, so that I would not be able to establish a relationship with myself in full self-sufficiency, therefore I release the point(s) of 'wanting to be close to another and have another be close to me', as I realise and understand that these are merely points of 'survival' and the mind looking to be codependent.




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