Wednesday, 29 August 2012

Day 27: Relationships are about Survival


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly fear what my partner thinks about my looks, about my behaviour, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for ways in which to bond and get closer to my partner in order for him to want to stay with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize and build up a model of behaviour in my head about having sex with men.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize about a man that I fancy coming into my room and taking me sexually, while I am absolutely vulnerable in his hands.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive sex as the ultimate act of vulnerability and trust between two people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize about a man that I fancy entering my room and starting to kiss me passionately and then spontaneously having sex with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of instigating sex, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that sex is something that should be happening spontaneously and automatically, so that I would not have to take responsibility for the shame that is attached to it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive sex as a shameful act and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire my partner to take responsibility for starting the sex, so that I would not have to be responsible for doing what I have defined as a »shameful act«
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience shame and embarrassment, when/as I (am about to) have sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do everything I do with the starting point of proving myself to men as good enough to have sex with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be motivated to do things only for proving myself to men as good enough to have sex with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lead a life that revolves strictly and only around getting sex for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to validate myself with sex, and exist within and as the need to prove myself with sex to other people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as not desirable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be perceived as desirable by my partner and other people.
When and as I see myself wanting to prove myself to others as good enough to have sex with, I stop and I breathe. I release the point with self forgiveness, because I realise and understand that sexual manipulation and proving oneself as good enough to have sex with is all a part of the program of survival, where one secures one's own survival in the future by forming a sexual relationship with another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be in a sexual relationship with another in order to secure my own survival in the future, as I now see, realise and understand that future is a construct of the mind, it is not real, and my fear of the future comes from me not wanting to take absolute self-responsibility for myself and my survival.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive survival in this world as something negative, a hassle and something difficult.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a negative connotation to the word 'survival'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word survival by fearing for my own survival in the future.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word survival by wanting/needing/desiring for relationships, within which I could run away from my own responsibility for surviving
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word survival by wanting to abdicate my absolute self responsibility and not face myself about being responsible for my own survival
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the word survival and the concept as which I have defined it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word survival as a negative word and feel anxious and uncomfortable, whenever I speak about survival
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in fear of surviving in the future, instead of realising that I am doing so because I am not trusting myself enough that I will be ok in every moment of every breath and that I will be able to take care of myself in this wold at any given moment
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I cannot survive on my own in this world without the help of a partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is impossible to survive in this wolrd without the help of a partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that it is impossible for me to survive in this world without a partner, therefore I must secure a partner for myself so that I would be safe in the future.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I must secure a partner for myself in order to be safer in the future and so that I would survive in the future, instead of realising how I am abdicating my absolute self responsibility within doing so.
When and as I see myself going into fear of survival and believing that I need a partner in order to survive in this world, I stop and I breathe. I do not allow myself to believe this, as I see, realise and understand that this is part of the codependency relationship construct of the mind, designed and manifested in order for me to never realise myself as life in absolute self-responsibility and self-sufficiency, but to always remain enslaved and dependent on a source outside of me.
I commit myself to stop the enslavement of the mind as relationship constructs, which I have built in order to abdicate my absolute self responsibility for my own physical survival, but mainly for the survival of the ego.
I realise and understand that it is only the ego that needs to sustain itself by defining itself with relationships, therefore I commit myself to stop all relationships of/in the mind that I use/utilise to make myself feel good, more than and superior to others.
I realise and understand that the mind forms relationships in order to secure it's own survival in the future by securing a continued communication with other people, in case I need their help in the future, which is also a concept that is only conjured up in the mind, as the future does not exist Here within Breath, therefore I commit myself to stop all Future Constructs within and as myself.

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