Thursday, 16 August 2012

Day 26: Interaction with my partner revisited


I’ve been waking up in a bad mood lately, because my partner is avoiding communication and contact with me, and I feel hurt and betrayed because of that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in a bad mood and feel hurt and betrayed, when/as I see/perceive my partner not wanting to spend time with me and interact with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only feel ‘safe’ and ‘fulfilled’ when my partner is around me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that one must have a partner in this world in order to feel safe, secure and fulfilled.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only feel ‘good’ about myself when I perceive that my partner is interested in me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to validate myself and give myself worth with how much interest I perceive my partner to be showing in me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be preprogrammed with only allowing myself to feel better about myself when my partner gives me attention
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about myself when my partner is giving me attention, and bad when he is not, instead of realising this polarity mind game that is keeping me occupied and not breathing here and directing myself within breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to spend all my free time with my partner, because I have defined it as more fun to be spending time with my partner than spending time alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be programmed to only feel fulfilled / better about myself when my partner spends time with me.

When and as I see myself wanting to spend time with my partner, I stop and breathe. I realize that this want is of the mind, therefore I release the point with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

When and as I see myself having thoughts that I am inadequate I realise that I am feeding the system where I can only feel fulfilled when my partner is around me, being interested in me and giving me attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive the time that I spend with my partner as more fun than the time I spend alone or with other people, because there is sex involved in interaction with my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see myself as being able to have fun without a partner
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only see sex as having fun
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to believe that I can only have fun when I am having sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look forward to the time when my partner gets home, because that increases the chances of us having sex together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a religion of sex within and as myself where I can feel better about myself / feel more accepted and wanted if someone is having sex with me

I realize and understand that wanting to spend time with my partner and have sex with him is the mind not wanting to face itself, therefore when and as I see myself thinking about having sex with my partner, I stop and breathe. I do not allow myself to go into the desire for sex. Instead I release the point with self-forgiveness and direct myself with common sense.

When and as I see myself desiring to have sex I stop and breathe - I allow myself to have a look at the pre-programmed design that I had created around sex  - I look at what is it that I am desiring. Is it attention? is it wanting acceptance? Is it desiring to be noticed? – Once I have identified the point – I let the point go within and as myself as I see, realise and understand that holding onto this point means that I am separating myself from it – thus seeking others to fulfil it within and as myself as to what I had separated myself from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek attention, validation and acceptance
from my partner within sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to through sex fulfil my desire to be noticed, to be loved and to be cherished, and validate myself with the feedback that I am getting from my partner about the sex that we have.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek verbal communication about sex with my partner in order to be able to validate myself with what he says about me 'in bed'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and utilize sex as a means of securing my partner staying with me in the future and keeping me safe, instead of realising how I am abdicating my self-responsibility within that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from acceptance, attention and being noticed within my desire to be accepted, have attention and be noticed by my partner and other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt, disappointed, angry and betrayed, when/as I see/perceive my partner avoiding contact and interaction with me, instead of remaining here in breath and directing myself with common sense.

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to have an idea of what this agreement should be like and when my ideas are not met I become disappointed, feel betrayed, get angry, because my idea of the agreement is not met, not realizing that I had created an idea within and as my mind of what it is that I expect from this agreement – thus setting myself up to react in disappointment, anger, hurt, blame as I now see, realize and understand that I was not walking within and as breath, directing the agreement to what is best for all within and as a moment – But instead allowed my ideas to direct the agreement to which I now see has only led to me feeling hurt, betrayed and disappointed.

When and as I see myself creating ideas within and as myself of what it is that I would like to experience, I stop and I breathe. I do not allow myself to create ideas about the moment/point that I am experiencing, but delete the idea within and as myself, and direct myself here in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt, betrayed, disappointed and angry, when/as I see/perceive my partner talking shit behind my back and fraternizing with other people in order to make himself superior to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thoughts about my partner talking shit behind my back and through this I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to talk shit about other people behind their back, thus seeing this within other people because within and as myself, I know what it is that I am doing and as such I fear that others are doing the same to me.

When and as I see myself talking behind other peoples backs or even when I within and as my mind have a conversation with myself about another person (thus talking to myself about another person behind their back), I stop and breathe, I realize that I am causing separation within myself as backchat in my mind, which tends to play out in my reality, therefore I stop the participation within backchat, delete the point I was backchatting about within myself and direct myself within breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as resentful and vengeful towards my partner, when/as I see/perceive that he is fraternizing with other people against me.

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to fraternize with people and thus gang up against another person in order to get what I want, instead of realising that I am causing separation and friction within myself, my world and my reality by doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to take revenge on people that I see/perceive gossiping about me behind my back.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to talk behind peoples backs and thus create revenge within them to get me back, instead of releasing the points that I want to talk about and directing myself within breath, and thus prevent the consequences that I realise to be causing with talking behind people's backs.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand the consequences of my actions in full and thus to stop creating separation within and as myself with thoughts, feelings and emotions, which tend to play out as separation within my world and my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of people gossiping behind my back and me not being there to defend myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the perception that I have to defend myself, as I know see, realize and understand that I stand here within breath as an example of what and who I am, therefore any kind of defensive thoughts are coming from my fears, which I need to release with self-forgiveness.

I See, realize and understand that that which I participate in I create as an experience for within and as myself to make myself feel better about myself and feel superior and more than. Therefore I commit myself to stop creating experiences in which I make myself more than, superior and better than other people, and allow myself to see all people equally as myself.

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to surround myself by people that talk behind peoples backs, instead of standing up within myself against gossip, as I realise and understand that I am allowing abuse by allowing gossip within myself, my world and my reality.

When/as I see myself going into fear and thoughts about what other people are doing when I am not there, I stop and I breathe. I realize that what other people say about me has nothing to do with me, therefore I release the point with self-forgiveness and direct myself with common sense in breath.

I Realize that each person is walking their own process of self honesty and thus if I fear that others are talking behind my back I have to first investigate my life as to where I am accepting and allowing myself to talk behind other peoples backs, I also further realize that when other people are talking behind my back that that is how they fuck themselves to have mind fucks like the mind fucks that I had created about myself worrying how other people are talking behind my back and I now see, realize and understand that creating a reality where I am in constant fear of what others are saying about me is a living hell and as such I now no longer accept and allow this application and participation within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on my partner for having fun, instead of me being fun for myself.

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to define ‘having fun’ as being with my partner instead of giving the word ‘fun’ a living definition within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with my partner because I see/perceive that he would rather spend time with other people than with me.
I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to attach my self-worth to how much time my partner spends with me
I forgive myself that I had created an idea within and as myself that I only have worth if my partner spends time with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel worthless, when/as I see/perceive that my partner is avoiding me and not wanting to spend time with me, instead of realising that I am wanting to validate myself with his attention and 'care' for me.

When and as I see myself emotionally reacting to my partner’s behavior in relation to me, I stop and I breathe. I do not allow myself to go into reaction, instead I release the point with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

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