Thursday, 30 August 2012

Day 28: Commitment to publish regularly

After watching Anna's vid about writing every day, I decided to make a new commitment: publishing daily. My process was a bit out of the group's eye due to me being banned numerous times because of my indiscretions on the forums, hence I never shared myself consistently. My process consisted of mainly writing to myself, but as I've discovered lately, writing for myself without the intention of publishing leaves room for fucking with oneself and looping. Therefore I commit myself to publish a Journey to Life blog every day.

I just now got stuck in a loop of how to word this, because I most certainly won't be able to do it every day, and how to say this as realistically as possible. When I came to the words 'Journey to life', I typoed and wrote Journey to Lie. I covered my face with my hands in dismay, and experienced a sudden rush of thoughts and pictures of "Should I just give up on this and simply go back and try to make it in the system?" And then I laughed at myself, breathed, and decided to share this little moment.

I commit myself to start publishing blogs on a regular basis until this is done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that it is impossible to publish a blog every day despite the fact that many people have been doing it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go blank, whenever I decide to write a blog, and not know what to write about, instead of simply picking a point from my day and sharing it without fear of how others will accept it and interpret it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of publishing my blogs and fear how others will accept and interpret them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that my blogs will give others excuses to not stand up within themselves, instead of realising the fuckup of wanting others to stand up, when I have not stood myself yet
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of sharing my self-forgiveness, because of fearing that others might judge them as ineffective, instead of realising that this fear is showing me that I am not being absolutely honest with myself, and should therefore revise my self-forgiveness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to publish blogs from the starting point of proving myself as effective to others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be validated by other people as effective, instead of realising that effectiveness shows itself in my world through and as the consequences of my deeds and not through the words of others.

When and as I see myself going into resistance towards writing/publishing a blog, I stop and breathe and push myself through the point that I perceive doesn't allow me to do so.

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