Sunday, 2 September 2012

Day 30: I'm responsible for someone else's delusions

I've been hanging with a certain individual, who has been part of Desteni before, but has failed to apply himself in a manner that would bring him back here. Instead of removing his programming, he has been adding new constructs on top of old ones. My reason for hanging with him was to be able to hang with his gf, who does remove constructs and is doing process for herself, more or less. I could talk to her about common sense, but I still failed to acknowledge her relationship to this person, and I might have said too much, which resulted in him building extra new constructs after talking to her.

I was also trying to persuade him to start writing a blog, and make an account on Demonology - basically walk the path that I had walked. Unfortunately, his warped sense of reality twisted all of this, and although he outendly did create a blog, he still went on with following his mind and not stopping it, which resulted in him writing a whole lot of Desteni bashing.

I can see how I created this. It is a consequence of me thinking that all people can and should be 'saved', as none of us are free until all of us are free. In that I completely failed to realise that some people simply won't put in the effort to save themselves, and that this is only my 'saviour construct' trying to achieve something in order to validate myself with it.

I've been talking to him a lot about my own process, how and what I have changed about myself and how I am experiencing myself in my physical body now that I have regained some control over it and started enjoying the physicality of it.
Throughout that whole venture, which lasted for about a month, I was slowly realising that I am not getting through to this person, and I might never be able to. He started worshiping me for my progress instead of starting to walk the same path that I walk. I was not hitting the 'apply yourself' button, I was hitting the 'build new constructs' button. The more I tried to point this out, the more energy I was feeding into the new constructs. This all resulted in him conjuring up an idea of a way in his mind to get back into the group, because he perceives the group as something that will take responsibility for his life instead of him. I have warned him that he will never succeed with this, but of course he wouldn't listen, and went on with his rampant mission to get back into the group - by means of forcing himself onto certain individuals that I had mentioned as a great influence/support for me and my process. When I was made aware that this happened, I decided to stop all my participation with this person, and I asked him to delete the blog, which he has not done, because he still thinks that his ideas will work.

This whole mess is a result of me expressing myself within my own mind constructs of superiority and inferiority. I was not in any way ready to stand as an example of effectiveness to a very mindfucked person.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to persuade all people that I meet to do self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that self-forgiveness can and will save anyone, instead of realising that self-forgiveness can help only those that have a self-drive to 'save' themselves.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to get praise and acknowledgment on my effectiveness in getting other people to do self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look upon myself, define/perceive myself as a 'saviour' that can show people how to save themselves, instead of realising that with this I am trying to make myself superior to others. When and as I see myself wanting to explain and show self-forgiveness to another, I stop and I breathe. I investigate my starting point, clear it with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath with common sense towards what is best for All.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be part of a group within which I could feel safe and wouldn't have to face myself in absolute self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to help others within 'best intentions', instead of realising that those best intentions are coming from a need to make myself superior and more than others in terms of wanting others to perceive me as good and benevolent.
When and as I see myself wanting to help others, I stop and I breathe. I investigate my starting point and release the points of 'want' with self-forgiveness and direct myself within breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy, be happy and satisfied with myself, when and as I see/perceive someone praising me for my progress, instead of remaining here and directing myself in breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define myself as superior and more than other people because I am walking the process of equalising myself. lol - When and as I see myself feeling superior to and more than other people, I stop and I breathe. I investigate the point of superiority, release it with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to stand as an example of the effectiveness of process to others, instead of realising that this want is stemming from my want to be superior, which stems from ingrained inferiority. When and as I see myself wanting to stand as an example to others, I stop and I breathe. I release the point of want and superiority/inferiority with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

2 comments:

  1. Cool realizations Hilda.

    A point I suggest is to as you place your writings, to 'strip' them of anything that is focused on another person and to if you do write about others, to only do it as much as you immediately bring the point back to yourself.

    It's cool as an initial 'raw' writing where one allows oneself to 'vent' however since all points are about SELF - they are never about anyone else and thus others are only standing 'for us' as mirrors of reflection through which we can see and realize WHO WE ARE.

    I also suggest to consider the implications of 'outing' others, even if you don't mention them by name - because essentially, it's not about them. It's about you.

    So within even the slightest having focus on 'them' one is in fact diverting the attention from oneself - which is a point of deliberateness and projecting blame.

    My suggestion would thus be to in future writings, to keep the 'venting' to yourself as merely the initial opening up of the point, where one starts with what one sees/experiences in one's mind - and then focus your published and primary writings on only the process where you are walking your own realizations of self-responsibility.

    For me, this has changed my writings significantly in removing the 'layer' of blame through which I prevented myself from in fact focusing only on myself.

    Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  2. yeah, this blog was a bit apologetic... will work on that, self-forgiveness on the point follow :) thanks, Anna

    ReplyDelete