Day 187: How words create my world

A few years ago my flatmate asked me to be honest with her. It was a touchy subject, and I should have anticipated that she would take my honesty hard, but I didn't, because I was caught up in my own desire to be seen as an honest person, as well as the belief that as long as one speaks the truth, nothing bad can happen, because the truth shall always prevail. (Assange and Snowden are proving this collective belief to be quite wrong.)

So while being caught up in my own conglomerate of beliefs, fears and desires, I was completely unaware of how my words would actually impact this person, whereas had I been clear of all this mental garbage, I would have clearly seen that my honesty was not going to have a positive outcome for this relationship, and sure enough, it crumbled and stopped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak before considering what kind of impact my words would have on the person that I am speaking to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so energetically possessed as to become completely unaware of the words that I am speaking and what kind of impact they are having on the people around me.

When and as I see myself being energetic and wanting to speak, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that if I speak from an energetic reaction, I am only causing discord and chaos, because I am not directing my words in breath within the context of what is best for all, but rather trying to prove a point, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath, and speak only when I am clear of all energetic reactions.

I commit myself to stopping myself whenever I see that I am being energetic, and within this I commit myself to really seeing myself whenever I am being possessed by anger/pride/vanity and effectively stopping myself in that moment with breathing within the realisation that speaking in that state of unawareness is going to have consequences that are not favourable.

Day 186: Fears in relation to time

Getting my work done by the deadline is extremely important to my boss, and is a vital part of me getting paid for my work.

I've always been one that is late. I've also always been one that promises to do something, and then doesn't follow through. It's not that I wouldn't want to do something I promised, it's a point of laziness (escaping reality) and wanting to enjoy myself (escaping reality) rather than working, thus losing time and eventually not being able to complete what I have promised.

I was always late with my schoolwork - if I've done it at all. I always had correctional exams at the end of the school year in high school, because I didn't do the work during the school year (due to escaping reality - drunk parents, which became a big source of excuses for me not doing in life what I'm supposed to do and what is expected of me - by watching tv, reading books and comics), thus my vacation was always tainted with schoolwork in high school. I've started defining myself as lazy and tardy, and I exist in fear of never being able to overcome this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that I will never be able to overcome the point of being lazy and tardy, instead of realising and understanding that with this fear I am justifying myself as a tardy and lazy person and with this fear I am justifying why I do not change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive/see myself as a lazy and tardy person, instead of realising and understanding that with this definition I am allowing myself to not change this point.

When and as I see myself being lazy and tardy and/or perceiving myself as a lazy and tardy person, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that by allowing such thoughts within me to exist, I am giving myself permission to be the way I think I am, tardy and lazy. Therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath towards what is best for all, and I do not allow myself to perceive/define myself as tardy and lazy.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all thought patterns of laziness and tardiness, because I realise and understand that I compromise myself with these patterns and do not allow myself to face my responsibilities immediately, but put them off and procrastinate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel resistance towards immediately dealing with my responsibilities and to rather put them off for later.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use work as an excuse to not deal with my responsibilities immediately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define my work as my greatest responsibility, instead of realising and understanding that I am hiding behind work from my other responsibilities, which I do not want to face due to me defining them as a hassle, boring, inconvenient and unpleasant.

When and as I see myself avoiding facing my responsibilities, and working instead, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's construct, where I feel less bad about shunning my other responsibilities in order to do work, because I define/perceive work to be very important and I use it as a "good excuse" to not have to deal with my other responsibilities in life. Therefore I release the trigger point of wanting to avoid my responsibilities and I direct myself in breath towards taking care of what I can in the moment.

I commit myself to stopping and removing my thought patterns with which I hide behind work from having to face my other responsibilities in life, because I realise and understand that by hiding from my other responsibilities in life, I am compromising myself by piling up my other responsibilities and creating unwanted consequences for myself.

I didn't do my schoolwork, because I defined/perceived it as boring, as hard work. I didn't take good notes in school, because I could never decide on the form and design of the notes, on prioritizing with colours, even on the shape of my handwriting. I changed it frequently to be similar to the handwriting of schoolmates that I admired/wanted to be like. I thought that if I wrote like them, and had nice notes and notebooks like them, I will be as effective as them. (I always strived for perfection, and at the slightest sign of not being able to achieve it, I would give up - which was almost always.) However, when I got home, and had to deal with drunk parents and a moneyless broken home, I lost all willpower to do schoolwork. I had it in school, and then reality abruptly changed every day when I'd get home, and I'd go and watch tv in order to isolate myself from this harsh reality, thus manifesting the ever present lateness in my life.

I always wanted to live up to my parents claims that I am special, better than others, more than, superior, but through growing up I gave up on it and secluded myself in my own little fantasy world with tv and reading and later computer games and the internet.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being late with my work, and my boss yelling at me for being late, and threatening me that I will lose my job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect being late with my work and not completing it until the dead line to fear, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my job because of being late with my work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect being late with work and losing my job because of it to fear, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing a constant source of money if I lose my job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect losing money due to losing my job to fear, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about having fun and about completing my tasks as soon as possible so that I can have fun, while I am doing the work that must be done, instead of realising and understanding that I am compromising myself by doing so, because I am wasting time by thinking about having fun while doing the work, I am not fully concentrated on my work, but am divided into separate dimensions of reality and future projections of having fun in my mind, and so I am separating myself from all that is Here and the task at hand, therefore rendering myself less effective with the task than my full potential is. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/desire that the work would already be over/be over as soon as possible so that I could focus on having fun and not have to worry about work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive work as something that I have to worry about and feel negative about, instead of realising and understanding that I am compromising myself with these definitions and energetic reactions towards work.

When and as I see myself thinking about having fun and hurrying to get the work done as soon as possible in order to be able to have fun afterwards, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am compromising the quality of my work, because I am not absolutely concentrated on it, not fully being Here while thinking about fun, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath and do not allow myself to go into mind dimensions of wanting to have fun and wishing that the work was already over.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all definitions of fun and not fun, because I realise and understand that by defining things as fun and not fun, I am participating within a polarity construct of my mind, where I will gladly and enthusiastically do things that I define/perceive as fun, and will create resistance within myself/my mind towards doing things that I define/perceive as not fun, thus separating myself from whatever I am doing.

----

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the justification and excuse about me having had a hard life and growing up with alcoholic parents within communication with people I perceived as authority, whenever I didn't finish a responsibility or whenever I wanted to avoid doing something that was expected of me in the system, such as finishing school and having good grades.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of myself for having used excuses and justifications about having a hard life and alcoholic parents in communication with people I perceived to be authority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as helpless and hopeless within the context of directing my own life into a direction that is best for me within the context of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as a failure that is unable to direct my life in a direction that is best for me within the context of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become comfortable with defining/perceiving myself as a failure that is not able to direct her life effectively.

When and as I see myself looking for justifications and excuses for not doing something that I know I should do/be doing, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that by looking for justifications and excuses, I am abdicating my absolute self-responsibility for directing my life into a direction that is best for me within the context of what is best for all, therefore I release the trigger point of looking for justifications/excuses and I direct myself in breath towards completing the task at hand, and do not allow myself to trap myself into inaction with justifications and excuses.

I commit myself to stop and remove all justifications and excuses for not doing something, because I realise and understand that I inhibit myself with justifications and excuses from effectively directing my life into a direction that is best for me within the context of what is best for all.

Day 185: Fear of the future

Lately the news about governments doing everything to stifle and inhibit the people has been getting to me. The news about the economic situation and complete lack of care for the life of humans in it has been getting to me as well. I became afraid of what might happen if my workload diminishes, how I will take care of myself in the future and how I will be able to stand up for what is best if I do not have the necessary living conditions to survive taken care of.

The memory that has been coming up is of my family moving to a new country into a new system - capitalism, where we moved into complete lack, so much so that we sometimes didn't have any food in the house. But there was always alcohol. Spitefulness towards my mother who was an alcoholic. I remembered now that I once bought her a liquor for birthday, trying to make her like me by fuelling her addiction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the economic situation in my country and the world might become so bad in the future that I might be out of options to take care of myself in a legal manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and equate 'the economic situation in the world and my country becoming so bad that I could be out of legal options to take care of myself' to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being stifled and inhibited by our governments and politicians and thus not being able to stand up for what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'being stifled and inhibited by our governments and politicians thus not being able to stand up for what is best for all' to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about the future in a negative way with fear of being inhibited and stifled by my government/politicians, instead of realising and understanding that with this fear I am in fact inhibiting and stifling myself into inaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'the future and what might happen in the future' to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that 'politicians and governments can stifle and inhibit their people from taking action', and to connect this perception/belief to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger and resentment and fear, whenever I see/perceive that a government is trying to inhibit its people from taking legal action, instead of remaining here in breath and not allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear politicians because I think/believe/perceive that they are more powerful than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'politicians' to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the politicians will not want to give up their power without fucking the planet up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'politicians not wanting to give up their power' to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of going into politics, becoming politically involved and voicing and standing for what is best for all, because I think/believe/perceive that politicians/government will do everything in their power to inhibit and stifle me, thus dig up dirt from my past and use it against me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that politicians/government are going to try and dig up dirt about my past and use it against me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'politicians/government digging up dirt about my past' to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

When and as I see myself being afraid of being politically active, doubting that I can have any meaningful impact within politics and being afraid of people in politics digging up my past in order to stop me with it, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's limitation constructs where I am giving in to my ideas of participation within politics, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath towards what is best for all and do not allow my fears to direct me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize about/want/need/desire  to become a politician who would have an impact and would implement a change and would be cherished by all people and feel superior about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the future within the context of me having to take political action in the future in order to manifest what is best for all, so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of taking political action in the future and messing up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of making mistakes in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'making mistakes in the future' to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of making mistakes in the future to exist within me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise how I am inhibiting and limiting myself by allowing the fear of making mistakes in the future to exist within me.

When and as I see myself being afraid of making a mistake in the future, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's construct of feeling bad and inferior when I make a mistake, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath and not allow myself to inhibit myself with fear of making a mistake.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'making a mistake' to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never take action, when I could have taken it, due to being afraid of making a mistake somewhere in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never take action, when I could have taken it, due to not knowing and/or not being able to control the outcome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'the future' with the unknown and with me not having control over the outcome, which I connected to fear, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'the unknown future' and 'me not having control (over the outcome) in the future' to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'being alone in the future' to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

When and as I see myself being afraid of being alone in the future, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's relationship construct, where I need other people to define myself with, and at the same time I am abdicating my self-responsibility by wanting to have others live with me in order to not have to be absolutely self-responsible for myself in the future, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath towards what is best for all and do not allow myself to be afraid of being alone in the future.

Day 184: Clearing my reactions to a clash with another person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become angry, whenever I see/perceive that someone is trying to insult me or make fun of me in order to make themselves feel superior about themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with wanting to defend myself, whenever I see/perceive that someone is attacking me verbally, instead of realising and understanding that by not participating within the polarity fight, I keep my integrity intact

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame, judge and hate people, who I see/perceive are trying to attack me verbally, not realising and understanding that by replying to the perceived verbal attacks, I am myself fuelling and participating in war.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to talk to people and make myself feel superior to them, after I perceived that they've talked nasty and down to me, in order to save face, not realising and understanding that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct of feeling inferior to them and wanting to balance it out with superiority as knowledge and information.

I talked to her and felt shaky and energetic. I was worried about how she's going to take it, and I didn't want the peace in the house to be compromised, so I would rather compromise my own words and not convey the message, than convey the message and risk falling out of grace with the girl.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, whenever I am taking to someone about a subject that I perceive might hurt their ego, be worried about how they are going to understand and take my words, and be worried about compromising peace with that person, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather compromise my own words and convey the message in a way that I perceive as lighter or not convey the message at all in order to not fall out of grace with that person.

When and as I see myself being afraid of risking falling out of grace with someone, when I want to talk to them about something that I perceive might hurt their ego, and therefore start thinking that maybe I rather shouldn't do it, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that within doing so, I am afraid of the other's reaction by projecting onto them the way I myself would react to a situation like that, therefore 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger, resentment, embarrassment and feel humiliated and attacked and afterwards start hating the person because I perceive them to be attacking my person, whenever someone points out a mistake of mine or behaviour that is not ok in their view, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally, when other people point out what I perceive to be my flaws and what they perceive to be inappropriate action/words from my side, instead of remaining here in breath and allowing myself to look at the point in common sense without energetic reactions to it.

When and as I see myself taking personally whatever someone else is telling me about me and how they think of me, thus becoming angry, resentful, embarrassed and humiliated, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am reacting because I have built up an energetic relationship in my mind to that person, therefore I release the trigger point and energetic relationship of thoughts and perceptions with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath with common sense and do not allow myself to go into an energetic reaction towards what was being said.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, whenever I see/perceive that someone is being abusive and not doing what is best for all, be afraid to tell that person what I see due to being afraid of how they would take it, and be afraid of them thinking that I am compromising their integrity, instead of realising and understanding that I am projecting onto them my own reactions to a same/similar situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like my integrity is being compromised, whenever someone points out to me something that they perceive as me doing or saying things wrongly.

When and as I see myself reacting to words of people who are pointing out what they perceive I am doing/saying wrong and feeling like they are compromising my integrity, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that no one can compromise my integrity except myself, and that in the moment of reaction I am participating within my minds polarity construct, where I always want to be right, and feel good, superior and more than when I see/perceive that other people agree with me, and feel bad, inferior and less than, when I see/perceive that other people do not agree with me. Therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath with common sense and not allow myself to feel compromised by another, because I realise and understand that I am generating the feeling of being compromised within myself, thus I myself am responsible for it and cannot blame another for the way I feel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be overly nice to my flatmates in order for them to like me and for the sake of peace in the house, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather keep quiet about stuff that is bothering me then speak out and risk falling out of grace with my co-inhabitants.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of telling people that they have to give me money for something or have to buy something, because I perceive that people will react negatively to having to spend money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react negatively with annoyance, frustration, anger and resentment and fear of loss, whenever I have to spend money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be reluctant to spend money due to my fear of not having enough of it in the future, instead of trusting myself that I can take care of myself and provide enough money for myself in the future in order to survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it hard to let go of money, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and equate spending money to losing money and safety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that the more money I have, the safer I am, instead of realising and understanding that I am equating safety with an intangible number, thus I am not trusting myself to be my own safety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word safety by defining safety to be dependent on the amount of money I have, not realising and understanding that within this I am abdicating my absolute self-responsibility for my own physical safety onto money.

When and as I see myself being reluctant to spend money on something that I need due to fears of not having enough of it in the future, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct, where I will feel safe when I perceive I have plenty of money, and will feel unsafe and compromised, when I perceive that I do not have enough of it. Therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath within common sense towards what is best for me in the context of best for all, not allowing myself to be directed and influenced by fear of losing money and with that safety.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all my energetic definitions of money, and I commit myself to stopping all my fears in relation to money, because I realise and understand that by participating within these thought patterns, I am abdicating my absolute self-responsibility towards myself to be my own safety in every moment of every breath.

Day 183: Blaming parents for not completing my education

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I've never amounted to anything and within this feel inferior to other human beings, whom I perceive have done something with their lives in terms of education and survival in the system - getting what I perceive to be a good job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that the goal in life is/should be getting the highest form of education, excel at it, get a job, excel at it, and within this I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel inferior/negative/less than because I perceived that I was unable to complete my schooling and get what I'd perceive to be an ideal job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior in the presence of people who have finished their schooling, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself and others who have not reached/completed the highest form of education as inferior to those that have completed it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a fear of not finishing my schooling/university within myself when I was a child, when I read in a paper article that a woman didn't/couldn't finish university and left before she graduated. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to that woman, and fear that I too will not be able to finish my schooling, not realising and understanding that that is when I started creating my own reality of not graduating from university.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define myself as a student who is not capable of concentrating enough in order to learn the information presented at school, instead of realising and understanding that with this perception/definition I was creating an excuse for myself, because I didn't want to or had the drive to study and better myself amidst the emotional turmoil I subdued to because of living with alcoholic parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive my childhood experience with my parents as hard and a turmoil, and use it as an excuse to not have to take responsibility for myself in the system in terms of educating myself effectively on how to survive in the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply not care what happens to me in terms of education and survival within the system and justify this not caring with having too many problems at home to be able to focus on my education and learning how to survive in the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the fact that my parents were alcoholics for me not studying, not wanting to study, not feeling like studying and not caring what happens to me in the future if I do not study, instead of realising and understanding that with this blame I am abdicating my self-responsibility and shifting it onto my parents, not realising and understanding that I was haring myself in the process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for the way I experienced myself as a child, instead of realising and understanding that I created my own inner experience and I myself allowed myself to feel like a victim and feel powerless as a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a child feel powerless and like a victim, instead of breathing here and not allowing myself to go into self-victimisation.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise as a child that I am the sole creator of my inner experience and that only I am responsible for what I create within my mind based on the input from outside of myself.

When and as I see myself wanting to blame my parents and their drinking of alcohol and irresponsible behaviour for the experiences I have created within myself and my reality in life, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within abdication of absolute self-responsibility within my mind, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath without blaming my parents, and I take absolute responsibility for the situation I am in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive my parents as irresponsible and neglectful because they drank alcohol, and within this feel superior to them, instead of realising and understanding that with this I am justifying/causing separation between myself and my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my parents by defining and perceiving them as bad, neglectful and irresponsible parents, instead of realising and understanding that I am with this blaming my parents and with that abdicating my self-responsibility for the way I experience myself in this world.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all my thought patterns about blaming my parents for the way I turned out, because I realise and understand that what I am is a result of what I have accepted and allowed to exist within my own mind.

Day 182: Tears of joy

I watched this video about a chicken farmer releasing his chickens from cages and making it possible for them to live as actual chickens. This act of kindness brought tears to my eyes. I have already dealt with my reactions to animals and people being abused, but I had not yet written out my reactions to such acts of kindness, hence the welling up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cry and get entangled into positive feelings and energetic movement within myself, whenever I see acts of kindness that humans do for each other and/or (abused) animals or that animals do to each other or to humans. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive such acts of kindness as something irregular and extraordinary, and be happy for such acts of kindness in this abusive world, instead of realising and understanding that I am perceiving something that should be normal and generally accepted as superior and more than.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience happiness and joy, whenever I see acts of kindness being done, because I perceive that if someone else does more acts of kindness, then I do not have to worry about the world so much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and fret about the world and the state it is in, instead of realising and understanding that worrying and fretting is not going to assist this world to manifest a system that is best for all in any way, only the self-directive movement of many individuals will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that it is ok to cry for joy, instead of realising and understanding that I am crying for joy because at the source of what I am crying about there is great pain and great abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify abuse in my mind as "not that bad", whenever I see acts of kindness that contradict the abuse, instead of realising and understanding that no abuse whatsoever is acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to adore and give credit to people who diminish or abolish abuse themselves, instead of simply following their example and standing for the same abolishment of abuse worldwide.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel joy and happiness and other positive energetic feelings, whenever I see that suffering that was there before has been stopped, as an opposite polarity of thesadness and anger I felt when I saw suffering happening.

When and as I see myself becoming positively energetically charged and reacting with positive feelings, whenever I see/perceive the ending of hardship and suffering, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind and generating thoughts and energetic feelings within myself as the opposite polarity of the sadness and anger and frustration I felt when I saw/perceived suffering occurring, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards having no energetic reactions to what I am seeing/perceiving.

I commit myself to identify, stop and remove all positive energetic reactions within myself, because I realise and understand that I need to remove both polarities in order to be clear of any kind of reactions and be able to direct myself towards what is best for all.

Day 181: Deconstructing the Cartoon Character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive the behaviour of characters in cartoons and comedies to be funny, cute, innocent and appropriate for me to copy it and incorporate it into my own behaviour towards and communication with other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act and speak like cartoon and comedy characters within my desire to be perceived as funny, cute, innocent and non-threatening to others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise and understand that by copying and imitating cartoon/comedy characters, I am in my mind further separating myself from myself into separatecharacters for specific situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy expressing myself through cartoon and comedy-like characters and define and perceive such expression as pleasant, funny and cute and non-threatening, instead of realising and understanding that I have developed those characters within myself with a specific reason of being more liked by other people, because I perceived that all people like cartoon and comedy-like characters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself through cartoon and comedy-like characters with baby speak and baby and animal noises in order to alleviate a situation that I perceived as serious/heavy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use/utilize the cartoon and comedy-like characters in situations that I perceived as serious in order to be the one that calms the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself through cartoon and comedy-like characters and baby-speech and animal noises and other random noises in order to be perceived by men as funny and quirky and different from other girls.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use/utilize cartoon and comedy-like characters and baby-speech and animal and other random noises without words in order to make myself feel like a child and within that deflect my responsibility for matters that I have perceived as serious and grown up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself through cartoon and comedy-like characters, through baby-speech and animal and random noises in order to escape the seriousness of being a responsible grown up.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that by using baby-speech, animal and random noises and cartoon and comedy-like characters I am escaping and abdicating my responsibility to become a responsible human grown-up that realises it's responsibility towards myself and all that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to forever stay a child and be perceived by others as a child, even though I am grown up, in order for me to not have to take on the responsibilities of grown-ups, because I perceived/defined those responsibilities to be hard, arduous, scary and not fun.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of not having fun as a grown-up, and therefore try to stay in my childhood mode by using and expressing myself through baby-speech, cartoon and comedy-like characters and random noises.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define grown-ups as beings who are serious and boring and never have fun, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of becoming a boring and serious grown-up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run away from facing myself and my own responsibility for myself and all that is here by developing and playing out cartoon and comedy-like characters with and as baby speech, animal and other random noises.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive the character Dexter from the cartoon Dexter's laboratory as a character that is appropriate for me and overlapping with my own personality, and therefore incorporate parts of this made up characters expression of funny speech and using big words into my own behaviour towards other people in my surroundings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define myself as a pleasant and funny person, whenever I was using the cartoon and comedy-like characters, baby speech and animal and random noises to express myself, instead of realising and understanding that I was automatically participating within my own self-accepted and self-created mind construct, where I have defined people who express themselves with cartoon and comedy-like characters, baby speech and animal and random noises as funny, pleasant, entertaining and superior to people who do not express themselves in such a way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and escape and avoid becoming a responsible and serious grown-up human being by watching cartoons and mimicking cartoon-like behaviour in real life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define myself as a grown-up child, and within this perceive myself as different, funny and entertaining, instead of realising and understanding that with this I am deliberately trying to escape my responsibility towards myself and all that is here as a grown-up human being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to entertain people in my vicinity with cartoon and comedy-like characters, baby speech and animal and random noises, so that I would be perceived by them as entertaining and a desirable person to hang out with, instead of realising and understanding that I am compromising myself and losing myself in a sea of characters in order to please others or not be perceived as threatening by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself and others what I am truly feeling in a moment and cover it up and silence it with trying to be funny through cartoon and comedy-like characters, baby speech and animal and random noises, instead of realising and understanding that I am suppressing what I am experiencing and I am not facing it, therefore allowing it to become a more complex set of suppressedemotions/feelings within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use/utilize cartoon and comedy-like characters, baby speech and animal and random noises as a mechanism to avoid having to talk about myself and my own situations and life experiences, which I have defined as bad/negative/tragic/sad, and with this behaviour hide those situations and life-experiences and accompanying emotions and feelings from my peers/surroundings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad/sad/inferior/negative about myself, my family and the fact that my parents were alcoholics and didn't have enough money/were poor, whenever theconversation with my peers lead to talking about our situations at home, and try to deflect and cover-up my situation at home by expressing myself through humour, because I thought/believed that if I make my peers laugh, they will not want to find out about my situation at home, and will not tease me about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed and degraded/inferior/less than/negative/humiliated because my parents were alcoholics and that we didn't have enough money/were poor, and to be afraid that my integrity among my peers and my family's safety and my own safety within it will be compromised if my peers/schoolmates and teachers found out about it, therefore I started behaving like a person that has fun, that is funny and laughs a lot in order to hide and suppress those fears and prevent anyone from finding out the truth, because then the social workers might come and break up my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a child be afraid of social workers breaking up my family, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define social workers as bad/negative/scary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use/utilize cartoon and comedy-like characters, baby speech and animal and random noises in order to convey a message that I perceived as serious/boring in a funny way, so that I would not be perceived as serious/boring and not feel like I am in danger of falling out of favour with the person that I am conveying the message to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at all costs avoid having to act and behave in a serious way, because I have equated and defined seriousness with/as being boring, instead of realising and understanding that within acting in such a way I am abdicating my responsibility towards myself, others and all that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive people whom I perceive to be acting in a serious manner without humoristic additions as boring and uninteresting, instead of realising and understanding that with these definitions I am giving myself permission to never have to take on serious responsibility for myself and all that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use/utilize cartoon and comedy-like characters, baby speech and animal and random noises in order to "better" myself as a "person" within my perception that I do not look as appealing as other girls, therefore I upgraded my personality to one that I perceived as fun and entertaining in order to compensate for my perceived lack in my appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use/utilize cartoon and comedy-like characters, baby speech and animal and random noises in order to be more liked by men and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my chances for finding/keeping a partner increase with my usage of funny elements in my expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being perceived as both ugly and boring by my surroundings and especially men, if I do not use funny elements within my expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to make people in my vicinity, and especially men, laugh, so that I would be perceived by them as desirable to hang out with and have conversations with.

When and as I see myself acting within cartoon and comedy-like characters, baby speech and animal and random noises, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my minds construct of wanting to be perceived as a funny and entertaining person in order to manipulate others into liking me and/or deflect something that I perceive as serious/bad/negative, and compromising my true expression in equality, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards communicating without energetic reactions what I had set out to convey.

I commit myself to observing myself and stopping and removing all my cartoon and comedy-like characters, and the need to express myself through baby speech, animal and random noises, because I realise and understand that with such communication I as humanity as all have been avoiding, deflecting and abdicating our actual responsibility for ourselves and all that is here. I also realise and understand that comedy and funny behaviour is used in order to cover up and ignore pain and suffering by giving it a comical twist, therefore I commit myself to releasing the comical mechanism/way of thinking within myself and uncovering and exposing it to other human beings as well, so that we may all look at the reality of the situation we are in and deal with it appropriately by implementing a system within ourselves that is best for All.