Monday, 21 April 2014

Day 186: Fears in relation to time



Getting my work done by the deadline is extremely important to my boss, and is a vital part of me getting paid for my work.
I've always been one that is late. I've also always been one that promises to do something, and then doesn't follow through. It's not that I wouldn't want to do something I promised, it's a point of laziness (escaping reality) and wanting to enjoy myself (escaping reality) rather than working, thus losing time and eventually not being able to complete what I have promised.
I was always late with my schoolwork - if I've done it at all. I always had correctional exams at the end of the school year in high school, because I didn't do the work during the school year (due to escaping reality - drunk parents, which became a big source of excuses for me not doing in life what I'm supposed to do and what is expected of me - by watching tv, reading books and comics), thus my vacation was always tainted with schoolwork in high school. I've started defining myself as lazy and tardy, and I exist in fear of never being able to overcome this point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that I will never be able to overcome the point of being lazy and tardy, instead of realising and understanding that with this fear I am justifying myself as a tardy and lazy person and with this fear I am justifying why I do not change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive/see myself as a lazy and tardy person, instead of realising and understanding that with this definition I am allowing myself to not change this point.
When and as I see myself being lazy and tardy and/or perceiving myself as a lazy and tardy person, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that by allowing such thoughts within me to exist, I am giving myself permission to be the way I think I am, tardy and lazy. Therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath towards what is best for all, and I do not allow myself to perceive/define myself as tardy and lazy.
I commit myself to stopping and removing all thought patterns of laziness and tardiness, because I realise and understand that I compromise myself with these patterns and do not allow myself to face my responsibilities immediately, but put them off and procrastinate.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel resistance towards immediately dealing with my responsibilities and to rather put them off for later.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use work as an excuse to not deal with my responsibilities immediately.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define my work as my greatest responsibility, instead of realising and understanding that I am hiding behind work from my other responsibilities, which I do not want to face due to me defining them as a hassle, boring, inconvenient and unpleasant.
When and as I see myself avoiding facing my responsibilities, and working instead, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's construct, where I feel less bad about shunning my other responsibilities in order to do work, because I define/perceive work to be very important and I use it as a "good excuse" to not have to deal with my other responsibilities in life. Therefore I release the trigger point of wanting to avoid my responsibilities and I direct myself in breath towards taking care of what I can in the moment.
I commit myself to stopping and removing my thought patterns with which I hide behind work from having to face my other responsibilities in life, because I realise and understand that by hiding from my other responsibilities in life, I am compromising myself by piling up my other responsibilities and creating unwanted consequences for myself.
I didn't do my schoolwork, because I defined/perceived it as boring, as hard work. I didn't take good notes in school, because I could never decide on the form and design of the notes, on prioritizing with colours, even on the shape of my handwriting. I changed it frequently to be similar to the handwriting of schoolmates that I admired/wanted to be like. I thought that if I wrote like them, and had nice notes and notebooks like them, I will be as effective as them. (I always strived for perfection, and at the slightest sign of not being able to achieve it, I would give up - which was almost always.) However, when I got home, and had to deal with drunk parents and a moneyless broken home, I lost all willpower to do schoolwork. I had it in school, and then reality abruptly changed every day when I'd get home, and I'd go and watch tv in order to isolate myself from this harsh reality, thus manifesting the ever present lateness in my life.
I always wanted to live up to my parents claims that I am special, better than others, more than, superior, but through growing up I gave up on it and secluded myself in my own little fantasy world with tv and reading and later computer games and the internet.
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being late with my work, and my boss yelling at me for being late, and threatening me that I will lose my job.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect being late with my work and not completing it until the dead line to fear, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my job because of being late with my work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect being late with work and losing my job because of it to fear, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing a constant source of money if I lose my job.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect losing money due to losing my job to fear, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about having fun and about completing my tasks as soon as possible so that I can have fun, while I am doing the work that must be done, instead of realising and understanding that I am compromising myself by doing so, because I am wasting time by thinking about having fun while doing the work, I am not fully concentrated on my work, but am divided into separate dimensions of reality and future projections of having fun in my mind, and so I am separating myself from all that is Here and the task at hand, therefore rendering myself less effective with the task than my full potential is. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/desire that the work would already be over/be over as soon as possible so that I could focus on having fun and not have to worry about work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive work as something that I have to worry about and feel negative about, instead of realising and understanding that I am compromising myself with these definitions and energetic reactions towards work.
When and as I see myself thinking about having fun and hurrying to get the work done as soon as possible in order to be able to have fun afterwards, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am compromising the quality of my work, because I am not absolutely concentrated on it, not fully being Here while thinking about fun, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath and do not allow myself to go into mind dimensions of wanting to have fun and wishing that the work was already over.
I commit myself to stopping and removing all definitions of fun and not fun, because I realise and understand that by defining things as fun and not fun, I am participating within a polarity construct of my mind, where I will gladly and enthusiastically do things that I define/perceive as fun, and will create resistance within myself/my mind towards doing things that I define/perceive as not fun, thus separating myself from whatever I am doing.
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the justification and excuse about me having had a hard life and growing up with alcoholic parents within communication with people I perceived as authority, whenever I didn't finish a responsibility or whenever I wanted to avoid doing something that was expected of me in the system, such as finishing school and having good grades.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of myself for having used excuses and justifications about having a hard life and alcoholic parents in communication with people I perceived to be authority.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as helpless and hopeless within the context of directing my own life into a direction that is best for me within the context of what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as a failure that is unable to direct my life in a direction that is best for me within the context of what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become comfortable with defining/perceiving myself as a failure that is not able to direct her life effectively.
When and as I see myself looking for justifications and excuses for not doing something that I know I should do/be doing, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that by looking for justifications and excuses, I am abdicating my absolute self-responsibility for directing my life into a direction that is best for me within the context of what is best for all, therefore I release the trigger point of looking for justifications/excuses and I direct myself in breath towards completing the task at hand, and do not allow myself to trap myself into inaction with justifications and excuses.

I commit myself to stop and remove all justifications and excuses for not doing something, because I realise and understand that I inhibit myself with justifications and excuses from effectively directing my life into a direction that is best for me within the context of what is best for all.

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