198: The Fear and Pride in Perfectionism

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit my work in a less than what I perceive to be perfect form due to fear that if I do not submit my work in a perfect form, that someone will find a mistake in my translation and have me fired for it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become obsessed with submitting perfect translations to the point of not allowing myself to have any free time for myself in the day, but spend almost all of my time on work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that a viewer might notice a mistake in my translation and write to my superiors and have me fired for it, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of losing my livelihood, my financial self-support in case I got fired, instead of realising and understanding that I am through this fear abdicating my absolute self-responsibility to keep myself financially stable and fluent to support myself within the system with any kind of job I can get.
When and as I see myself becoming overly worried and perfectionistic about my work, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am being overly perfectionistic because I'm afraid to make a mistake and I am fearing the possibility of being fired due to a mistake or mistakes, thus I am afraid of losing my source of income. I also realise and understand and trust myself that I can provide for myself another source of income in case I lose my job, and I realise and understand that I fear losing this job because I perceive it as glamorous and respected, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern of the perfectionism with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath and do not allow myself to be overly perfectionistic to the point of wasting my own time with unimportant details.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive my job as a translator to be a respected and glamorous job, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct, where I will make myself feel superior to other people for being a translator and am causing separation within myself and my world by defining/perceiving some jobs to be better/more than and others as worse/less than.
I commit myself to stopping and removing my wasteful and time-consuming perfectionism, because I realise and understand that otherwise I will be limiting myself only to my job and being good at work and I will not be allowing myself to expand in other areas of my life.
I commit myself to allowing myself to not worry and be perfectionistic about my job, so that I may expand myself in and explore and enjoy self-expression in other areas of my life that I am currently neglecting/ignoring due to being overly perfectionistic about my job.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overly perfectionistic about my work to the extent of compromising my time, my life, my self-expression in physical movement, my process, in order to do a perfect job so that I may get feedback from others, especially my former boss, that I am doing a good job, so that I could feel proud of myself and the work that I have done, instead of realising and understanding that with this kind of behaviour and thinking I am limiting myself into a mind polarity construct, where I will feel pride as superiority to others/my peers for having done a good job, and on the flip side I will fear making a mistake and consequentially feel shame for not having done a good job, not realising and understanding that I am simply generating energy with these thoughts for my mind to survive as ego.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pride as superiority over others, whenever I perceive that I have done a good job with my work, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overly perfectionistic about my job and the work that I do in order to be able to feel that pride as superiority over others, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be perceived as a good translator so that I could be proud of that aspect of myself.
When and as I see myself being overly perfectionistic about my job and the work that I do, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct, where I will feel pride for doing a good job, and on the flip side I will feel fear of not doing a good job and therefore feeling shame, thus I am generating energy for my mind to survive as ego. Therefore I release the trigger point and though pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards doing the necessary adequate work, and I do not allow myself to go into desire to be proud of my work, as I realise and understand that with that I am only supporting my ego and am not being productive at all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become overly perfectionistic about my job and the work that I do due to fear of being scolded by my superiors for not doing a good job and due to fear of being fired by my superiors for not doing a good job. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to work from a starting point of fear due to allowing the memory of my boss yelling at me for making mistakes to linger around in me and generate the need for perfectionism so that I would avoid being yelled at if I make a mistake.

Day 187: How words create my world

A few years ago my flatmate asked me to be honest with her. It was a touchy subject, and I should have anticipated that she would take my honesty hard, but I didn't, because I was caught up in my own desire to be seen as an honest person, as well as the belief that as long as one speaks the truth, nothing bad can happen, because the truth shall always prevail. (Assange and Snowden are proving this collective belief to be quite wrong.)

So while being caught up in my own conglomerate of beliefs, fears and desires, I was completely unaware of how my words would actually impact this person, whereas had I been clear of all this mental garbage, I would have clearly seen that my honesty was not going to have a positive outcome for this relationship, and sure enough, it crumbled and stopped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak before considering what kind of impact my words would have on the person that I am speaking to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so energetically possessed as to become completely unaware of the words that I am speaking and what kind of impact they are having on the people around me.

When and as I see myself being energetic and wanting to speak, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that if I speak from an energetic reaction, I am only causing discord and chaos, because I am not directing my words in breath within the context of what is best for all, but rather trying to prove a point, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath, and speak only when I am clear of all energetic reactions.

I commit myself to stopping myself whenever I see that I am being energetic, and within this I commit myself to really seeing myself whenever I am being possessed by anger/pride/vanity and effectively stopping myself in that moment with breathing within the realisation that speaking in that state of unawareness is going to have consequences that are not favourable.

Day 184: Clearing my reactions to a clash with another person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become angry, whenever I see/perceive that someone is trying to insult me or make fun of me in order to make themselves feel superior about themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with wanting to defend myself, whenever I see/perceive that someone is attacking me verbally, instead of realising and understanding that by not participating within the polarity fight, I keep my integrity intact

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame, judge and hate people, who I see/perceive are trying to attack me verbally, not realising and understanding that by replying to the perceived verbal attacks, I am myself fuelling and participating in war.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to talk to people and make myself feel superior to them, after I perceived that they've talked nasty and down to me, in order to save face, not realising and understanding that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct of feeling inferior to them and wanting to balance it out with superiority as knowledge and information.

I talked to her and felt shaky and energetic. I was worried about how she's going to take it, and I didn't want the peace in the house to be compromised, so I would rather compromise my own words and not convey the message, than convey the message and risk falling out of grace with the girl.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, whenever I am taking to someone about a subject that I perceive might hurt their ego, be worried about how they are going to understand and take my words, and be worried about compromising peace with that person, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather compromise my own words and convey the message in a way that I perceive as lighter or not convey the message at all in order to not fall out of grace with that person.

When and as I see myself being afraid of risking falling out of grace with someone, when I want to talk to them about something that I perceive might hurt their ego, and therefore start thinking that maybe I rather shouldn't do it, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that within doing so, I am afraid of the other's reaction by projecting onto them the way I myself would react to a situation like that, therefore 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger, resentment, embarrassment and feel humiliated and attacked and afterwards start hating the person because I perceive them to be attacking my person, whenever someone points out a mistake of mine or behaviour that is not ok in their view, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally, when other people point out what I perceive to be my flaws and what they perceive to be inappropriate action/words from my side, instead of remaining here in breath and allowing myself to look at the point in common sense without energetic reactions to it.

When and as I see myself taking personally whatever someone else is telling me about me and how they think of me, thus becoming angry, resentful, embarrassed and humiliated, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am reacting because I have built up an energetic relationship in my mind to that person, therefore I release the trigger point and energetic relationship of thoughts and perceptions with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath with common sense and do not allow myself to go into an energetic reaction towards what was being said.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, whenever I see/perceive that someone is being abusive and not doing what is best for all, be afraid to tell that person what I see due to being afraid of how they would take it, and be afraid of them thinking that I am compromising their integrity, instead of realising and understanding that I am projecting onto them my own reactions to a same/similar situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like my integrity is being compromised, whenever someone points out to me something that they perceive as me doing or saying things wrongly.

When and as I see myself reacting to words of people who are pointing out what they perceive I am doing/saying wrong and feeling like they are compromising my integrity, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that no one can compromise my integrity except myself, and that in the moment of reaction I am participating within my minds polarity construct, where I always want to be right, and feel good, superior and more than when I see/perceive that other people agree with me, and feel bad, inferior and less than, when I see/perceive that other people do not agree with me. Therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath with common sense and not allow myself to feel compromised by another, because I realise and understand that I am generating the feeling of being compromised within myself, thus I myself am responsible for it and cannot blame another for the way I feel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be overly nice to my flatmates in order for them to like me and for the sake of peace in the house, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather keep quiet about stuff that is bothering me then speak out and risk falling out of grace with my co-inhabitants.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of telling people that they have to give me money for something or have to buy something, because I perceive that people will react negatively to having to spend money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react negatively with annoyance, frustration, anger and resentment and fear of loss, whenever I have to spend money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be reluctant to spend money due to my fear of not having enough of it in the future, instead of trusting myself that I can take care of myself and provide enough money for myself in the future in order to survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it hard to let go of money, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and equate spending money to losing money and safety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that the more money I have, the safer I am, instead of realising and understanding that I am equating safety with an intangible number, thus I am not trusting myself to be my own safety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word safety by defining safety to be dependent on the amount of money I have, not realising and understanding that within this I am abdicating my absolute self-responsibility for my own physical safety onto money.

When and as I see myself being reluctant to spend money on something that I need due to fears of not having enough of it in the future, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct, where I will feel safe when I perceive I have plenty of money, and will feel unsafe and compromised, when I perceive that I do not have enough of it. Therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath within common sense towards what is best for me in the context of best for all, not allowing myself to be directed and influenced by fear of losing money and with that safety.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all my energetic definitions of money, and I commit myself to stopping all my fears in relation to money, because I realise and understand that by participating within these thought patterns, I am abdicating my absolute self-responsibility towards myself to be my own safety in every moment of every breath.